The Most Pooterish

Can you tell if someone might own a 'buck ram stimulus kit' or not? More old material. The dying man might ask you what you think of certain things. I can't tell him. I don't really know. There are times when I like the sound of 'Rumours'. Working class heroes. I don't know any. One day I wrote that I was 'tired of life'. Lack of connection. Digging the sound. You don't know what I make of you anymore. Taking up the blame for the great hurricane. I never listen to a difficult song. I've only ever loved one person. Reservations. I told him a bad joke. He told me it wasn't funny. He was right. It was hospital humour. It was grin and bear it. She said that it never gets her pissed. You dislike the feeling that someone might possibly 'understand' you even a little or , even worse, that they might try to get to know you. It seems that you have to be in control of all of this. I'm never in control of any of it.

Contrived hair do's have never gone out

When I was young we played together. Waste. A mess of the...Rampaging through the afternoons with Teresa. Teresa's on crack, Teresa has AIDS. Her bairns were sired by Edward Mental or was it 'Biddy'?. I was once told 'biddy' was German for cock. I have a small penis. I can't handle it. That's not a joke. An evening of humiliation with the stars of the Ganja Island of the early 80's. Batter folk for their trainers. Knock Flakey Michael's face off wi' one punch. Early respect for Curtis Mantronix. He's always kept it real. Real enough for Fife. Real enough to be an unobtrusive soundtrack. The war versus intelligence is nothing new. You have to be stupid to survive. Small town madmen reinvented themselves in the early 90's. A few years hence they had battered speccy boys for wearing black STA Press that were 'flordy flare'. In the post Farm world they wore million inch flares. Nothing else had changed. At the same time Billy Sloan told you about Josef K. Are Paul Quinn and Paul Haig interchangeable? They set the mold for contrivance. I KNOW A MEMBER OF BRICOLAGE. I can't quite believe it. Neither can you. In the West End is anyone fat/ugly/single/bald/in possession of a Rush LP? I can never understand. You have a White Stripes CD. Of course you like 'Brown Eyed Girl'. You have lovely hair. Are all wispy people called Gemma Hayes? Some are called Kate Rusby. I love you just the same. Did Bourgie Bourgie play Kelty Rock Club? I don't understand why you sing that way. And as for yer notion of style? There is a Kirkcaldy Legend called Bill Gimmix. He wears Harley Davidson cut offs over a bulging gut. He has no hair anymore. He used to be a staple of pub rock. I wish I had legendary status. I wish I was as impressive as that. We are measured by notions of style. These criteria are not as relative as they're made out to be.

A Middling Affair

On Saturday night after I'd given you yer latest sporadic yet sweaty instalment I left the shithole and ventured into (ah...'one night I left my room in the evening...' you know, one day I will find a bookstore that plays Dinosaur Jr and that would indeed make me happy! Mark Eitzel. Fucking hell. There are no many people re whom I would say that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for their contribution. KB is one. Jeff Martin is another. Mark Eitzel is definately one. He really is one of the greats. A' this dedication to folk I've never met kinda makes me feel like one o' the failed contestants on Pop Idol. Particularly the social misfit ones-natch- oh Celine saved my life... I mean who am I to belittle folk's hopes and dreams...) the land of the rugger bugger. The west end was covered in the bastards. I'd agreed to meet 2 of my oldest neebors (Can I call them Mike and Bernie??! That's a crass in-joke but it would indeed make me happy! They are completely inseperable brothers both hangdog in expression. I just keep thinking o' Mike and Bernie Winters! or are they more Bernie and Schnorbitz?..mmm...old Mike must have been a bit hacked off. He falls oot wi' Bernie, heads off to Aus for a new life and has the indignity of finding that his sibling has replaced him with a St.Bernard! It must have ripped and torn a bit...) after they'd been to the Farquahar fest at Murrayfield. As I've said many times I would love to hijack the Tannoy at these things and empty the place by announcing "Could David Patterson-Barclay come to the front gate please? Thank you." These solicitors wi' their kilts and a' that. They think they're behaving like the common man! At this point I just have to say.."Hello there captain, I've got a few fundamental questions for you. You with me?" Indeed. Anyway, met up after a wee while of being on ma ain in a totally stowed pub surrounded by a' thae 'secrets of the easy yoke'. Ma mind lists badly in these situations. Thoughts of how fat I am, of how 'some cunt's been glessed', of how I don't pass as a rugger bugger, of the way people 'seem to'(maybe that's the key phrase) 'fit in' to social situations etc etc. Anyway M&B arrived and we had a good natter, revelling in normality for a while. M used to play in the band. I think the lack of the band and the talking points/ 'ways in' that he felt it presented to him for a while still rankles with him. He told me that he had played our alboom over the PA at his work (he works in a large 'entertainment complex' down south) the other day. This made me feel a mite bizarre, like one o' thae stuffed imitation dodos in the Chambers Street Museum! I can never quite sum up how I feel re the band and the music we made. I spent most of it's lifespan either worrying over losing my voice or complaining that we weren't recognised! I know we were a far better than average live band but the recordings don't quite match up. The fact that I was fat and bald presented too much weirdness for the average punter to take in too! This was definately a factor in the 'naebody likes us' stakes. If it came doon to a choice between Woomble or McLuckie they wouldn't be taking my 'wordplay' (!!!) into consideration, you know what I'm saying?! Anyway, chatted with the Winters boys for a while, felt old, felt average, felt left behind, felt fat, felt provincial. Ultimately felt tired....round about 11PM it started to hit me big time that I was working the following day- an extra shift and an unpaid one too!!! Put away the mandatory takeaway greedily- when was the last time I cooked a meal in the hovel?! Fuck...and crashed oot. Dragged masel in full of Sunday vibes. Soon found out one o' the clients was hospitalised during the night. Had to juggle things roond and ended up heading to the hospital for what turned oot to be a period of considerable heaviosity. Went back after a while. Met TLK and things got better. She was on great form and I got thae vibes again that we were genuinely supportive of each other in the work place. The day ended up with the inevitable grogs. Jeez, I am still mad about her. However on days like these I feel that we are great pals. I'm feeling rather sheepish re previous posts where I've doubted that. I mean things may change again but they're good at the moment. Long may it last. Another day off on Monday. Felt drained by yeasterday's work events. Couldn't stop thinking about DT (I'll leave you to work out who that is...I'll explain if needs be!!) and the tragedy therein. Thought about how alone I've felt in me life. In moments of perspective I do know tho' that I've probably had folk around me most of that time, even if they never quite seemed or seem close enough. DT has absolutely no one. Nada..or at least nobody meaningful, that is. I recognise a lot of me in his delusions and in his lack of 'connection' wi folk. I notice the way that he seems to make a decision and then is hit by this wave of doubt and 'second thought'. I've had times where I felt as if I was near death because no human being could surely ever function while thinking this way. I had a long time of suffering from a type of delusion and a belief I was hearing voices. This guy has had extremely severe versions of these feelings all his life and continues to have them close to death. I want to repeat earlier comments I made re the flawed make up of the human psyche and body. Surely there should be a cutoff so that a person who has limited time doesn't have to put up with mental turmnoil too. I would suggest that he has already 'suffered enough' by being on the point of death. Anyway, drifted through Monday. Went through to Kdy. Briefly met KB. It was great to see him. He was a little subdued by costly 'car trouble'. No the best. I was a little subdued by the prospect of visiting my parents in Kinghorn! I just couldn't face it and promptly headed back here! I must tell you about my folks at one point..but not just now! Went out to see the almost beyond legendary Sunburned Hand Of The Man later on. Took a 'shortcut' to get there and appeared to end up hiking along the motorway for some time! Is it possible to get lost when you're literally just round the corner from yer abode?! Aye it does seem to be the case. This wasn't a clever detour. Going to see SHOTM wasn't that great a decision either! Lame ass psychedelic wigouts and ramblings alongside Sun City Girls-esque masks and pissing about. I wasn't impressed. Really nice beards tho'. 2 of them played in the support band who had a very wispy hippy name that I can't quite recall. The singer looked and sounded like Cat Stevens and they jangled away nicely at times but got a wee bit lumpy and overly austere at others. A guy called Wounded Knee played too. I saw him once before and he did fairly standard bleepy bloppy fare. Last night he did a set that was part looped harmonica and part looped Ivor Cutler esque phraseology intoned boomily. It was a wee bit wearisome if not altogether unpleasant. The gig was at Henry's Cellar Bar. This is not a venue that has visibility as one of it's selling points. If you stand anywhere to the right of the door you'll see nothing and the best vantage point is to be found by squeezing yersel between the toilets and a pillar! Of course 20 or 30 others have this idea too! Not a great fan of the place. Rather liked The Left Bank where I saw Chris Brokaw the other night. It reminds me of a wee village hall! Seeing more gigs in there would be rather cool methinks. Met AM there last night. He's a nicely arch chap. We've known each other for a good while now. He is possibly the least 'Fife' Fifer I've ever known just in terms of his zest for life and general enthusiasm. Good old AM. Had real trouble in getting out of bed this morning even for an 11.30 start. Felt sure more heaviosity awaited...and it did... DT's health has worsened. It's not good. Yet more 'office politics' are going down. The management are a bunch of bastards. TLK met me today and gave me possibly the nicest smile I've ever seen from a human being. I suddenly felt much better. That moment got me through the rest of the day. So here I am in the land of the Interweb. The fucking Pretenders are playing now. There's a guy next to me playing a game which is making some nippy popping noises. It's freezing cold. I'm thinking of DT. I'm thinking of TLK. There isn't enough space for anything else...

How many indie bands have there been called Rorschach?

Been thinking a wee bit re the format o' this blog. Not sure whether I want to keep doing the diary entry type bits or not. Feel as if I'm repeating masel hell of a lot. Think I might look to change things at least for a wee while. Maybe do some more of the wee doodles instead or post something different. Don't really know. Just thought I'd let the 4 or 5 of you who read this know! BTW, I really love to get comments from you. It's been lovely to think you've taken time to read and then write too. It really does make me awfy happy to get them.Please let me ken what you think if you've got a sec. What do you think re any format changes too?! Cheers, John.

Hurried, unloved...Can you break a broken heart?

Aye well. Not sure I've quoted one o' ma favourite lines on this so far but I'm sure as hell going to do it now! 'These phrases and these thoughts that will come to mind'. Indeed...Bit of an odd coupla days I think. More madness wi' TLK last night. Some heaviosity at work so we went for a few grogs which, on this occasion, turned into 6. My feelings about her were always on my mind and she talked very openly re these kinda matters ie love, relationships etc when she asked me a question re how attractive I thought she was!!! Look I'll give you a bit mair context. I think I'd got in the usual wee bit o' negativity re my self image. Something she doesn't really like to hear too much of and I think as some kinda empathy/ sympathy thing she asked me "how attractive do you think I am to the average person?". This is a topic which always causes her a fair bit o' angst. One of the main factors is that her best pal is, in TLK's eyes, 'more conventionally attractive' and she finds certain situ's quite hard to handle as a result- a' thae confidence issues etc start whirring aboot in a manner I ken a hell of a lot about!. So she asked me this more than once and I gave her 2 or 3 fairly straightforward answers which she didn't seem to accept, so then because she was being quite persistent, I just thought fuck it and told her the true answer which was 'That's hard for me to answer because of the way I feel about you'. It didn't seem to create any great waves and we just moved on to another topic but it stayed on my mind for a good while. I felt this was the honest way to reply when she just wouldn't get off the scent! I suppose I felt that giving this kinda reply was prefereable to appearing creepy by rating her as a 25! (one of my stalling answers was to refer to a male stag that we both know. I rated him an 8 in terms of how folk saw him) or by thinking too much about 'other factors' even tho' I think she is generally attractive to other blokes, just maybe not the ones who would say things in the 80's such as 'Kim Basinger is stunning', if ya dig. Kept thinking about this all the way long into the night. I should have never referred to this again. Got para re my usual conviction that women I like will automatically think I'm 'pursuing' them! Fuck. Delusional behaviour or even behaviour which is only 'arguably delusional' tends to rear it's head at awkward moments with me! Think the aforementioned self image vibes take hold big time when I'm talking with/about people that I like. I just have these solid beliefs that they will never 'fancy me' and that I will adopt the role of an ugly 'sad/lonely' man 'trying to find love'. I would love to be sexist at this point and rant re certain male/female role dynamics but perhaps I shouldn't!...anyway...
Got rather pished, started to feel a bit cold and fluy, got fed up, knackered, went hame, fell asleep, woke up at 7.30 AM feeling close to death. TLK didn't make it into work but I did..somehow. More heaviosity during the working day. Bizarre appearance from the area manager, for some reason related to the work 'troubles' that have been going on. Very hush hush stuff. Spoke briefly with TLK who was quite grumpy and sounded in a frame of mind akin to the form she was in last week. Decided not to prolong said conversation and sleepwalked through the day at work, stopping only to feel more distress re the guy who's terminally ill and re a few other clients too. Also started thinking again bout the shit I seem to be in money-wise. Not done a lot about it lately and it's getting close to 'default-time'! Need to get the act together to see the debt counsellor again and initially just to contemplate 'the extent o' the problem'!!! Anyway, chose to ignore that and acrue more debt by going out tonight too! Scran with CH first (this included a scene of such gluttony on my part that it just will never see the light of day!- 20 stone fat fuck in collapse shocker etc- When I have my infarction can it follow the Uri Zhivago model please? A hammily acted collapse while trying vainly to catch a final glimpse o' Julie Christie/TLK!!!! complete with loads o' 'peasants' rushing to my aid! Superb. Of course I'll draw the short straw and get the one where I croak mid-wank in bedsit land, penniless, 'morbidly obese', festooned in pornography and with none of my 'goofball ideas' having come to fruition after all-natch. Not that I have any say in the matter of course but this scenario might be tolerable only because I have never ever used a 'wanking sock'!! Never seen the appeal of that..) and then on to see Chris Brokaw. CB is a US indie alumnus who these days does a lot of solo stuff of pretty reliable quality and who turns in a nicely homespun and deftly played acoustic set. He has a nice manner about him too even this was surely tested tonight by the lack of publicity surrounding the show (the poster outside mentioned 'Tonight-Pilot Cam' Pilot Can are the pretty shite band of a local gig promoter and nothing to do with C. Brokaw, ex of Come and Codeine. The gig didn't make it into the List (semi-legendary local 'entertainments' guide) either and this was reflected by the fact that about 3 people ie me, CH and AM appeared to be there to see him. The crowd swelled towards the end of the set and it became apparent that an open mic thing was about to kick off!!!! So, loads of folk ended up coming along to see an am dram monstrosity to which CB was a virtually unannounced sideshow!! I tried not to dwell on this situ and headed off after the horror of the 'Open Mic' sesh became apparent. CB's tunes stayed in my mind tho'- fave being one gorgeous achy Codeine epic early on in the set called 'Median', I think. AM is a very brave man when it comes to talking to 'celebs' (I get extremely shaky about doing this- the self esteem thing again I'm afraid) and he had a chat with CB afterwards. CB mentioned that 'Median' was in fact an unreleased Codeine song!! Ah, Mr. Immerwahr, you are so missed. There aren't many moments of the day when I don't feel like abandonding sanity/ rationale completely and singing ' ...to be one mile high then I would kill you all...' at top volume. Jeez..I can't stop... "D for dishes, F for floors, can't make the grade anymore" ..."Last night I had a dream, your eyes were lit by fire" etc etc. One of the tragedies of my life (no joke) was the fact I had to leave a Codeine show after 2 minutes to catch the last train! Those two minutes have never left me- " Loss Leader, losing sight of the shore' Fucking hell...pauses to greet...so CB was awfy guid. Naebody was there. Had another guid chat with AM towards the end o' the night. Went hame, listened to the King Creosote LP AM lent me. It was recorded in Crail. There was a line on it about the first tree in bloom on the High Street or something like that. I felt was on a wavelength with KC at that moment!- in an attempt to beautify hopeless smalltown Fife esteemed town planners planted twiggy saplings in all the High Streets. Obviously these get swamped by all the gustiness and Saturday night piss therein so they have to be protected by these black metal (as opposed to 'black metal' ...Bathory hit Kdy High Street!) grate things which are rather ugly! Maybe I'm reading into it too much but with that line he managed to say more about small town hopelessness than anyone else has done before! Other tunes reveal some lovely lo-fi sounds and heart string tugging. Some of the words are a mite quirky and indie friendly but somehow that doesn't matter! Good old KC.
Woke up on Fri feeling extremely cold and flu'd. Had a wee bit of a lie in as I didnae start at the work til 11.30. No the best vibes today. Felt unwell. Work was hectic and heavy. Still understaffed and very much overworked and it's no that cool. The client I mentioned earlier is struggling and has terrible periods of loneliness. We finish at 7 and he might not see anyone til 9 the next day. This ain't good for him. The fact that I know a fair bit about loneliness made it hard for me to remain totally professional and clear. It's probably hard for a virill stag to take this in but if you want to be with people and 'elements of the way you are' prohibit your chances of achieving that', then you're going to have moments of crippling loneliness and despair! To me that's a given. I suppose I had a period where I felt unbelievably lonely but also couldn't bear being with anyone as I felt so bad! This wasn't much fun. Reading it back now I feel as if I should have just told masel to 'pull yersel together' but of course that's no that easy...anyway. Felt awfy hopeless and kinda useless re what I can do for folk. Also felt very alone masel as well as wheezy and runny nosy! Spoke briefly on the phone wi' TLK. Was pleased she phoned me and she sounded ok. Afterwards I tried to erase her from my mind and of course failed. Crawled up frae the work tae the Royal Mile and met CH in the Canon's gait . My mood was upped tremendously after some chat and also by the fact that staff agreed to turn the telly over to the Aus v. SA 20/20 game on the other side! Ah it was magic- one of the many advantages of big city life- Cricket is tolerated in pubs. In Fife cricket does not get put on pub TV's. It would get 'shouted down' if it did. Sat there for a while. Then wandered doon to the legendary Bongo Club (the old Moray House- memories of seeing Half Japanese there in the early 90's came flooding back. The pliss was packed but it became apparent NOBODY was there to see HJ. They had flocked to attend the indie disco afterwards. Some prick actually shouted " get the disco back on!". It was grim stuff.) to see the incredibly legendary Park Attack. PA are a band who seem to play every day in Glasgow but who's Edin appeareances are rare to say the least. I've heard so many good things about them and I was v.v. keen to finally catch a taster. The fact that they didn't come on til after 1 AM and we had to sit through a mostly crap 'discoteque' complete with students trying to work out how to shag each other on the dance floor tested my resolve more than a tad. Christ these 'standard interactions' again- you know, this is how life works ain't it? We all possess a certain amount of attractiveness so therefore society has created these plisses where we can put that to the test/ into action and behave in certain ways which might or might not produce opportunities for coitus. The flaw is that certain folk clearly do not have the looks or the lifestyle or the temperament to handle these rutting rituals and to 'pull' so they are forever destined to sit at the side taking in the sights of mass frottage to the sounds of the Stooges or the Pleasureheads or 'Gorky's'. I can only tolerate so much of these evenings where how little other folk think of you 'in that way' is pointed out. I was just about to start thinking like Mick Travers and raiding the armoury before PA came on! Man, they were great. They played for 20 minutes!, annoyed the kids who wanted to dance to Le Tigre and generally confused the hall big time. They don't embrace many indie formats and rumble and rattle in a nicely primordial way. Gruelling, growly, grating guitar sounds scour your lugs, the lovely lass on drums almost destroys the bass drum while grinning the whole time and the singer yelps away in a harsh whiny fashion which is oddly satisfying!, the bass player abuses the thing with various boxes and devices and the whole thing is far far remove from the sound iof the underground and it works big time. Of course Edin being Edin nobody notices they're playing or have finished and they leave the stage to a total whimper. I think I love this band! Had a late late night, particularly as I walked hame to the wild west through thae usual late night pissy and kebaby streets. Turned into a bit of a sleepless night too. Woke up many times totally fu' o' the cold. Have been rattled wi' it a' day. Off work the day but couldn't make up ma mind what to dae. Got put off by crowds o' folk who' all look forward to their Saturdays' en route to Tynecastle whuich is just along the road frae the shithole where I stay. Later in the day rugger buggers were everywhere too. Felt squeezed. Spoke wi' KB and ISH for a while on the blower. Felt distanced frae the world. Drifted into default mode- to this interweb caff land where they play Fleetwood Mac LP's as a break frae Les Ferdinand. Still trying not to think of TLK...still failing...

Tony Sonntag

Monday Monday. Relatively uneventful day at work. The nighttime was a good bit more noteworthy, I suppose. Had a good day with TLK. Fine chat, a return to friendly and collegue-y vibes and the inevitable 'few pints'...well, 5 (including a couple of these incredibly potent Belgian Strawberry beer things-frothy, lovely and a mere snip at £3.90 a go (it's true!!! tho' I didn't notice that 'til after I dwelt on the amount of change I got back!)).. after work. We spoke re many things, mostly stuff relating to the client at the work who is terminally ill. She talked very wonderfully about karma and her views on death. What she said will be forever etched on my mind. It confirmed to me that she is a rather beautiful human being and I realised that to be around that is a great thing. It also helped to remind me I am completely in love with her! - this is obviously a wee bit o' a mixed blessing but hell...I will dwell long on moments sic as this...it may sound very sad and more like the sort of thing an R.Kelly fan would say but we sat in the pub near the window and I felt as if I was entering some kind of cinematic cliche' land. It was just like you see in Kieslowski!- the light from passing cars and streetlights kept shining across her face. I tried to supress my thoughts but it was impossible. I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life. There I said it. She has an extremely interesting and lovely (good lord) face and I felt pretty heady immediately after experiencing that 'moment'. Of course a wee bit later I felt more like an unattractive fat and bald man again but there was something re being with her at that time that I really don't think I will ever forget. Jeez I know I just said something awfy corny and 'common' but I think I felt something I have never felt before. The staus of our friendship seemed safe and sound and I was kinda able to grasp everything I felt about her so easily. Obviously we'll never be owt more than pals but I thank thae few seconds kinda made me feel great about her and about how things are now and I feel now as if things are oddly sorted. Beatific bullshit indeed but hell...the rest of the world does it wi' their 'requited' vibes. Why can't I dae it wi' my brand?! Maybe I should drink fruit beer mair often! Anyway, we went up the road quite tipsy. It dawned on me again and again that I have never felt this way re anyone else in my life. Intense-ish moments I suppose but I just continued to feel so great that I knew her as a person. There wasn't any despair at all!! Jeez...enough of this...went up the road and into the legendary Henry's Cellar Bar to see the fantastic Jack Rose. Was a mite tiddly by this time and ignored 'mystery phone calls' which turned oot to be from SJ and D re the gig. Got very very sheepish about this and felt like a bit o' a drunken fool. The combo of TLK, strawberry beer and the reveries therein had removed my judgement somewhat! SJ and D are neebors that I met through CH and the land of the Interweb. I can't say much else about them other than the fact they are lovely folk and I like bein aroond them. Anyway, met them in the pub up the stairs and also bumped into a coupla folk from my old band days. Had a brief chat, felt a tad too tiddly to properly converse and headed into the gig. It was weird seeing the band folk again. H & S were in a group who we played wi' a few times and AF and ISH frae 'my' band had stints in theirs tae. I started thinking hard re many nights in the late 90's when I would have those few seconds of thinking that folk liked what we were doing! These wee moments were brief and mostly I got down and anxious re the 'quality of my work' and other bloated concerns. I am not anything approaching a quality artiste tho' I felt at times as if I was prone to believing the hype (not that any hype was made about us of course!) that emanated from within my head! I'm sure I'll tell you how I feel about the band days mair at one point but probably not for some time! I don't find it easy to talk that rationally about them!!...anyway..went doon to H'sCB. It's a funny wee room which is oddly appropriate for quiet, acousticy stuff. When we arrived there was a guy on stage who it dawned on me I had seen before. In the summer I saw him playing at The Subway supporting A Hawk and A Hacksaw. I think he calls himself Kappa something or other. He's a wonderfully fragile performer who plays meandering, intricate acoustic tunes with minimal whispery vocals. The guy has a really nice natural presence about him and he is extremely unreconstructed in his stagecraft-taking ages to tune, saying 'fuck's sake' to himself when he can't tune properly and generally seeming awkward and real and..just right. I've seen a lot of people do shambolic and it's obviously an act but this guy is the real deal! Something about him is just top quality- achy poignant, wide open songs, lovely lyrical guitar playing etc etc. In true fashion he had forgotten to bring CD's but he asked folk to come and see him and get his email address if they wanted one. I meant to but then started to talk at length with AM, another o' ma Fife pals, and also to drink MORE beer so I didn't get round to speaking with him. I really want to hear more of him. I shall track this guy down goddamnit. Aye, the evening continued wi' a set of total dullness from an act called Eagle something or other. I saw them at the same gig as the Kappa guy. They consist of one fey bloke with a medieval haircut and a bouzouki and one Craig and Charlie Reid lookalike wi' an awfy strained and unnatural way o' singing. Tonight they had an ineffectual double bass on show too. They're really no that guid- nae presence or substance, nae tunes, nae atmosphere and as for dynamics? Well there aren't any o' thirr either! Chris Corsano was up next tho'. Oddly I felt that the time was right for a set from a solo drummer. He can play to a pretty amazing standard. He does all sort o weird things wi bows and strings and saxophone mouthpieces and somehow creates quite a warm and wonderful vibe out of nowt but a few things which he hits with sticks! You can tell he's a drummer's drummer too. The legendary Alex Neilson stood in front of me and seemingly was awestruck. Given his ability I reckon that's a pretty good testimony for CC. Not that he was just 'a good drummer' tho'. I got the feeling that he'd worked a bit on what he played too. He played a short set but it had some lovely highs and lows therein moving from lightning fast wigging to bowed, lurchy, scrapy bits and back again. Top class. As for Jack Rose. Well he was fantastic. AM pointed out that in the old days they would call this stuff 'folk'! Now of course it is 'drone folk', 'psych folk', 'drone' , 'improv folk' etc. Whatever it is it does it for me big time. For the first coupla 'pieces'(!) I was quite near the back but I moved forward later on and got a lot more into it. A wee group of fan-atics had formed near the front and there was a far more initimate vibe available up close to him. The last 2 things he did were lengthy pieces with the guitar on his lap and loads of slide action. It was beautiful, elegant and magic! If you manage to really concentrate on what he's doing and go with the vibe this is absolutely mesmerising music. Some folk were a bit lost I think. He started off very suddenly and quietly and it took a long time for the chatter to die down to a respectable level. There was a table of metally people near to me who just seemed to have lost the will to live! At least 2 of them were asleep after a wee while and the others talked all the way through the set. The fact that JR is a tubby balding bloke made me feel good too!! Had a further guid chat wi' AM (he's another o' thae folk who made Fife slightly less so when I lived there and I can't think o' a better intero to the guy than that), bought a coupla CD's that I couldn't afford and staggered up the road rather happy! I wasn't so happy at 8.15 AM this morning however but then I didn't expect to be! Stumbled into work- another busy day. Spent mair time wi' TLK. I'm still in love with her! Got awfy tired later on. Ended up in the land of the Interweb Caff again- excerpts from the 'Greensleeves' catalogue playing today- complete with a total skagger at the PC along frae me who has just had a conversation wi his 'berd' re how he got 'some of the big white ones, a couple of the wee blue ones and a couple of the 'V' ones'! Life's rich pageant indeed...

this just might be the endless night at last

Messages come my way. They say 'you have a beautiful cock'. Some people get fellated while watching 'The Guns of Navarone'. The rest end up dialling 0909 numbers. They think they'll achieve satisfaction that way.

Fight The Good Fight Dear Students Of The Weedge

Days off on Friday and Saturday this week. Traditionally (may be a bit of a generalisation I suppose. Ah, the never ending appeal of romanticising gloom and despair) if I do nothing on my days off I am prone to going to the dark side. Sitting in and getting fed up re yer surroundings can never be a guid thing of course but I reckon that, over the years, I've made more of an artform of it than others. I mean, there is an appeal of sorts to loungeing in yer own space as a matter of course and the feel of sic a reverie can be quite addictive in it's way. The problem is , of course, the biggest age old vibe of them all- LONELINESS and ISOLATION (very much a singular entity rather than a pair) . I know that in discussing this with you I will start to feel hell of a self conscious, mainly because these things get appropriated by the mainstream shall we say so that the very concepts are cheapened and their impact softened. I do genuinely believe that we are 'meant to' or have evolved to be (I need yer input on this KB. Ha ha...oh fuck, I've started writing for the benefit o' my pals. I'll be singing the praises of The Country Teasers or The Rebel (just fuck right off now) next) around/with other people but the crucial flaw is that we haven't evolved anything that GUARANTEES the provision of said facilities/closeness/companionship/ physical needs/connection etc. So if, for whatever reason, (I've already spoken too much re what I think the reasons for my loneliness or lack of ability to keep people around for too long might be...anyway) you feel bereft of a presence or a body around you then panic! Ocht at least I tried to fight this on Friday. Aye I ended up pottering around a wee bit and thinking of doing things that I never got round to etc etc . Went to the GPO (no one calls it that any more!) and collected a package o' DVD's. A coupla cricket things (!!!), the seminal 'Wolf Creek' and the shite '9 Songs'. It is of course impossible for a single male to publicly evalute this fillim as it will come across as if he will inevitably be reviewing it on it's merits as a 'pornographic' wank piece as opposed to it's artistic standing. It's clearly not 'intended' as a porno! but it doesn't cut the m-m-mustard as anything else either imo. It's main protagonists are of course buff young bucks who love their crowd pleasing/mediocre music and who have nae probs in terms of 'pulling'/conforming to the established modes of life for buff young bucks. It would of course have been a challenging film if the shaggees had been 'average looking' folk and/or had been 'social misfits' !! (I am currently obsessed with that phrase and the respective criteria for it's 'award'- TLK once described herself as one and I obviously am one!!..natch..) but of course social misfits 'cannae get a lumber' and the mean can't handle seeing them in states of undress so that fucks that up really...or so it would appear...anyway, it is an oddly mainstream fillim that should be avoided..so there. Drifted for a while on Fri but kinda managed to maintain a reasonable balance o' mood. Headed through to Glasgow with CH later on, initially for scran at one of my fave places on earth- Mono. This is a vegan eaterie/shop/record shop (ran and staffed by the living legend and nice man that is S. Pastel)/bar/ venue. It is simply a nice space- bright, airy and welcoming. It can house the boho and sceney of the Glasgow way but it appears to syphon off the bullshit therein (they all seem to leave that behind in the physical embodiment of farce that is 'Brel' and the 'ostentatious tea room' that is 'Tchai Ovna' or whatever it's called) and that fills a real public service. It is the sorta place that masel and KB used to sit in Fife shitholes and dream about opening up ourselves. It is a lovely pliss and one of the principal reasons for my occasional wish to move to Glasgow! Anyway, after a rather great veggie burger and spicy chips it was on to the way legendary Art School to see the sound of now or Broken Social Scene as they are only slightly more frequently called. 'Fraid they werenae much cop! ..and as for bloody students? The pliss was full o' many exemplers o' the speeshiss. Not indie types just students! There is a difference. The latter is equally shaggy but far less rigidly defined and way more perky and lacking in a sometimes useful sense of defeat. I don't feel at home in this vibe. Thought BSS might produce the goods in a homespun quirky epic kinda way but alas. They started off with 3 and a half nice numbers which featured good elements of understatement and some nice crisp Tortoise-y drumming but lost it quite spectacularly in a bevvy of bombast, superflous instrumentation, Bono-esque vocals and atmospherics, fist pumping, unnecessary female vocalists, wanky between song 'rants' and stage presence, numbers that sounded like 'lost' Avril Lavigne out-takes, guitarists that looked like what Aussie members of the Waterboys would look like (some going considering they're Canadian!) and of the sense that the drummer seemingly forgot how to play in anything approaching an interesting fashion. There were 9 of them on Friday, a number which seems to represent something approaching a cutback for them (CH said extremely pertinently that they would make a good 4-piece band) and after a while you just felt bashed into submission by never ending extraneous and uninteresting/samey noise. My ears were pleading for less and less and they got exactly the opposite. I'm a big fan of music which has economy and contains therein just as much as there needs to be and nowt more but this sure as hell ain't it! The tunes and character of the songs got lost in the melee and whereas on the odd song the presence of 3 or 4 guitars (!!) did create a nice beefiness, for the most part they just bloated and confused to an unacceptable level. It was poor poor stuff lacking in thae rather important dynamics and in yon equally important sense of variety and diversity which they're probably trying to achieve by having a' thae players. Anyway...the female singer had really bad hair too!!..something I don't usually pass comment on of course but then I'd never seen hair like this up to that point! The kids loved it all and went ber-serk. The singer went a bit nuts at the end too- all pumped up on Pino Grigio and pretense. He did seem genuinely happy at the way they were received but did a few odd things eg leaving the stage and going into the crowd seemingly purely to hug folk and take the plaudits he felt were deserved and going on and on in a way which seemed to indicate he was trying desperately and kinda sadly to come across as 'one of us'. It was all a mite uncool...imo...I felt rather 'out of step with the world' as I often do. Went hame on the train. There was a man on there who WAS 'fuck me' Bobby Peru (if he came frae Nitshill somewhere near Peat Road Motors) and who spoke at a blonde lass all the way hame without drawing breath. As ever when I've just seen a band I didnae like very much I feel odd and drained/let down. Walked up the road frae Haymarket, bought chips and cheese, got freaked re being seen by a mutant 3-headed couple, came hame, cried, thought about phoning 'premium rate' numbers, put on my 'sleeping hoody' (it's true!!) and slept like a... 20-stone 30 something social misfit!- heavily yet warily...sheesh...Saturday dawned. Had a guid lie-in and met KB. I think we know each other pretty well (!!) so there tends to be the feeling that we can say a fair bit and it'll be taken the right way. I think I have that certainty with 2 and a half people in the whole world so it's nice to be able to have a whole day's worth of it at the one time. We did our usual wandering and coffeeing and conversing and it was most welcome. KB has a lot of faith in me (!) and having that kinda feeling coming back at you is invigorating after a fashion. Met up with Mrs KB later on and almost forgot I was with ' a couple'! SB is a good lass. She's a kind and empathic sorta person who takes a benevolent interest in how you're doing and I like that. We ended up having a few grogs in one o' thae 'big city pubs' and it was a pleasant evening all told. Had to fight off some rather heavy TLK pangs at times tho' and almost without knowing it I found myself getting rather mental re the thought of 'bumping into her' and of avoiding that happening. Not sure what that was about quite frankly. Think my head has considered me to be an abomination for so long that it's starting to try to make me act in the manner that I believe I'm 'expected' to. The feeling that TLK 'has a man' seemed to be producing this impulse to avoid/ 'licence to confuse' etc. It vexed me a lot towards the end of last night. What was I fucking doing? I reverted back to the status of that Countdown conunder (when I were 12 that's what I thought Vord On The Board and St. Chalky were actually saying(!)) hammering away inside the Mcluckie head to the effect of...'shit, I'm in love with someone and SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME' and so forth way beyond the mere ad nauseam. Came hame too scared to walk past traffic or twoses with a takewaway to hand and phoned for a pizza in a sheepish and decidedly 'stupid assed' and uncute way. Scoffed it very quickly. Felt fat as... Felt way too much in love and yearning with TLK for comfort. Became aware I had to work in the morning. Got down. Thought re the usual late night bull etc etc (I never feel right last thing at night!) and ended up having an online chat wi a lass frae a dating site that I'm on!! . Never mentioned this nonsense before but I carry on the absurd pretense of 'finding a berd' via the Interweb. The very recollection that I actually do this makes me giggle! Been a member of quite a few o' these sites. The vibe is mighty depressing and crushing, it really is. Feel increasingly like Glenn from 'Nighty Night' too (Personality: Scottish). I've managed to meet a few folk via these ower the last coupla years. They've all been decent sorts but we've..shall we say...'never hit it off' (the fucking amount of understatement implicit in there is bewildering!!). I could go on forever re the very vibe of trying to contrive a 'date' but maybe I shouldn't! Anyway things seemed quite nice while we chatted. We had a few rather large 'it's a small world' moments which were oddly cool. We probably have nothing at all in common. Like the last person I met frae a dating site she says 'lol' way too much which wasn't the only thing that set me off thinking that she's too normal (!!) but hell we manged to converse for a while and that has to be something, I think. Crawled into bed somewhere past 2AM. Up at 7.30. Strangely wide awake. Expected a busy morning at work. This didn't quite emerge. Spent good time wi a couple o' the clients. Also spent some good time with TLK who was back to being friendly (!- I accept now that my 'perception' of her supposed state of mind has tended to automatically and unrealistically/madly/irrationally veer somewhere towards the negative of late as a matter of course. You reckon?! so therefore I now have to supply instruction that you take anything I say negatively re TLK with a huge pinch of salt but I hope you knew that already. Good lord). I'm still totally flipped over her. I hope I'm starting to get a bit of perspective over the way I 'interact' with her. I feel today as if I am and not just because I felt she was being 'nice to me'( fuck's sake. I am indeed 12.5 yrs old) more that I didn't look to turn everything she said around and over and through the nearest hoop- I felt more as if I knew accurately what she intended to convey and get across. More often than not this was just good, solid chat and goss and it felt easy and 'FRIENDLY' (I'm totally obsessed with that word re TLK amn't I?..shit). Long may that feeling continue. So after a' that I came up the road and back to this caff where they play Les Ferdinand on a loop and where the lovely lovely French Chloe Sevigny lookalike who works here during the week is sadly on a day off...shit..perfection or in my case satisfaction (I seem to confuse the two!) is truly impossible ain't it?! ha ha...

Not That Flamboyant

You say you should have done it when your brother died. I leave you to your own devices. Thoughts batter away at us both. What am I thinking about? Whatever they are, my thoughts are no less damaging than yours. You never get to give in or to fail. Romanticised. People bellow at you. You're deaf. Vibration only partially drowned out. Left in a middling flat. Scolded by naked electric light. Water is a conductor. You have acquaintances. No friends. Lazy people visit you. They come to drink red death on your setee. You treat all with good grace. People steal your money. You tell me jokes. You say it's a cruel world. Some people are good. Some are but they can be elusive and are often busy being good in other settings. You tell me about John Payne...not Wayne. You think you've been idle. You say that that idle hands work for the devil. You ask my opinion on actors. You ask if I've ever been paranoid. I suddenly see myself as Reznor and want so badly to say "If only you knew". You want a sense of achievement. You want to be recognised. It's a crime that you can't recognise it yourself. I admire you. You've survived. I might not. I won't forget you.

For DT

Missing Out

You want to know the most humiliating experience in the world...if you're a singleton...particularly an overweight singleton? I'll tell you. Here's the deal. It's late at night. You've been drinking. Suddenly you feel the need to enlarge yer heart with the death sentence dessert that is takeaway food. You buy it and you're walking along the road clutching it with a certain ferocity. Suddenly you see a couple. They look at you with utter contempt tho' they also have a smug knowing look in their collective eye. They know that they have just seen the perfect embodiment of the age old scheme of things. There they are strolling, in a casual yet thrusting manner that is the wont of the couple, down the street..their part of the street will always be leafier than mine...they are attractive , virill, wholesome, they can and they will etc. Now the fact that they've seen you with a takeway casts a terrible (and leaden) pall. They of course eat freshly prepared meals at bistro's, they buy things like rocket regularly and they will never have infarctions. They will never be seen on their individual ownsomes never mind in true solitary mode and they'll certainly never be caught with a late night takeaway in their hand!. When you see a downhome man wandering the streets with pizza or chip poke in hand there's a fair chance that he might be a singleton, have nae friends, be 'alone' etc etc. There is something about the very feeling of being rumbled as someone who lives on their own, is not a shackjob like the rest of the world seems to be, is not out having fun on a Saturday night and so forth. When you're exposed in this fashion it really hurts, I can see them looking at me in a Charlton Heston "THEY'RE LEPERS!!" stylee with a' the feelings that I outlined the other day coming into play. These bastards hate me cause I remind them of their own potential unattractiveness(!)...it can happen to us all! I have my doubts (ha ha) but maybe one day they will be 'porky,alone and asexual. Aye, I walked home tonight pizza box in hand. I felt their eyes burning into me. I even got paranoid with passing cars. The bastards were looking at me as a sad case/ a loner/ a stalker/ not one of them. The usual quota of my brain was on TLK but the other parts couldn't think of anything other than me as Mick Travers on top of a roof, having raided the armoury, and dispensing 'justice' at a Valentine's Day ball. "...to be one mile high, then I would kill you all..." Aye, quite. Nae mair couples shit. I'm exhausted. I should say there won't be any more TLK shit either but I just can't guarantee that.
Wed wasn't too bad a day at work. Slightly less busy than of late. The only heaviosity being that I found myself having to dispense droppers of liquid morphine to a client- fucking hell. I tried not to dwell on the wider picture and just thought of the fact the guy seemed to feel better pretty quickly afterwards. Away from specifically 'work' related vibes, I chatted a wee bit wi' TLK. She continued her Tuesday distance early doors but warmed a little later on. She's still pretty reserved tho'. Part of me wants to tell her everything that goes on in my head but she'll probably call the police! I've found myself starting to say semi-manipulative wee things like "I'm going to put in my notice". This is something I really feel like doing but probably won't. I know that part of me says this to see how she'll react. I'm desperate to know what she really makes of me what with all these mixed signals that fly around. I think she's probably wise to it as she plays a very very dead bat indeed when I mention this. I'm not proud of doing this. I justify it as only being 'semi-deliberate'! For fuck's sake! I kinda know somehow that she's seeing someone and I have a feeling she maybe feels funny re me knowing. The thought of this in turn irks me. Despite evidence to the contrary on these pages, I'm not a psycho (!!!). I don't keep many secrets from folk I know and like and trust and I have a preference for folk who are honest with me in return. Of course she doesn't have to tell me anything and I don't want to know anything re her business. I just want her to be a bit more consistent and not switch on and off as she tends to do. If we were real pals I feel she would tell me certain things as I do with her when she's approachable. The more I think about it, I reckon that she just never thinks about most things that much. She's a fairly instinctive lass and maybe isn't someone who dwells very much on certain aspects o' her goings on. I don't know. I still know how I feel about her tho' and that doesn't seem to be abating...for now...I must work on that.
Went to see Daniel Kitson at the legendary Stand in Edinburgh on Wed night. Saw him doing stand up last year and was a little disappointed. The guy is a genius with words but that night a lot of his show was engulfed in talk of how great he was and how funny he was! That isn't really my vibe, I'm afraid and it doesn't tie in with the moments of melancholy and sadness that appeared all too rarely at other parts o' that show. Last night the balance was restored and at times he came close to the total mastery of his crafts that he displayed during the monologue thing that he did at The Traverse last year. That was a tearjerker and probably one of the best pieces of 'art' I've been party to in a' ma puff! He was generally sharper and far more inspired than in the summer stand up and it was amazing to see the difference between the loose mostly improvised first half and the tight as nails second bit. It was quite something. DK can do anything he likes! I love tragi-comedy. What a surprise! Got a wee bit self-conscious going in to The Stand when I saw a' the couples who were there and realised that as a speccy, rotund, beardie, folk might think I was an acolyte or that I had been one of those keen as mustard 5 year olds who you used to see at snooker on the telly dressed in a waist coat, bow tie and a Snooker Loopy badge. It was a wee bit awkward. This was in addition to me trying not to dwell on the phenom of well adjusted 'couples' seemingly enjoying the humour of a social misfit...if that phrase can ever really have a proper human manifestation! Went hame after this headfirst into the scenario outlined earlier. Got melancholy. Wished I was erudite like a DK. Wished I was drunk etc etc...Dragged masel up at (thanks CH) 'stupid o' clock' to plough into another long, packed and really quite harrowing day at work. The guy who's terminally ill got extremely emotional on a couple of occasions and spoke a lot re the delusional stuff he's had to suffer for years. I was greetin' with him and I just can't stop thinking about and caring for the guy. He's a great bloke and I know I will think about him for a long time to come. This guy has had a shit life, the likes of which nobody 'deserves' but he, in particular, does NOT deserve it. There really isn't a fucking god you know. Not that I needed any confirmation at all but anyone who can think there is one need only hear this guy's life story. Was run off my feet all day and then I came hame in the pissing rain. Ended up in Interweb caff land again. The music in here vexes me bent. Anyone who thinks 'Satelite Of Love' is a classic is sadly mistaken...

PS Contemplated editing some o' the TLK stuff I wrote above. I didn't but I'll allow masel a comment! I really don't 'mind' re her goin out wi blokes!! It is of course nothing to me...which is as it should be...S'pose the point I was trying to make was that I've seen enough evidence to indicate that we've been through times when she would have told me about a fair few things that were going on with her and yet now that appears to have changed. I know that my mind clouds over as soon as the thought of another couple entering the world takes hold but I'm clear on my awareness of the kinda person I am. I am not an 'erse and I hope I've never done anything to irk her or piss her off. Maybe I should just talk to her?!! I really don't know re the efficacy of that. Of late I feel she's kinda treating me differently as a colleague as well and I'm hurt on that level too. I'm probably just paranoid and stupid. No that that knowledge by itself is much succour to certain feelings I have. That wee paragraph explains everything doesn't it?! Fuck..

They Might

You leave early. I guess you have a life. I stay behind. Foraging for fun and adventure in the old ways. Annual leave. Time spent walking past Private Lines over and over again. Nothing adds to us. There are things I'd rather be doing than listening to A Flock Of Seagulls. Looking at properties. Shacking up wi' 'the girl'. Off to the site. I have not entered the human race. One time you asked me "Have You Ever Been With A Guy?". I said that I hadn't but I wouldn't rule it out. Adherence to hetero scum. Concentration interrupted by Psycho Killer. Wearing a big suit proves to be popular. So does looking like Stuart Braithwaite. They slag others off for appearing in style mags. I think of all the endless nights I spent plotting their demise. It's easier to plot my own. 20 Chlorpromazine and 17 Zispin. I have them put by for a rainy day. I shall take my megaphone with me and make you all cry. You were all indifferent to me. I have been to myself too many times. Strange how you stopped loving me. In shittown there was a sign that said 'The --- are Arsewhips' It wouldn't have been good enough for Roberto Calvi or even John Toye. The same references 10 years gone. "They all end in this house where the senses love to drown".

Last Call

Leaving aside the morass of my feelings re a Valentine's Day Massacre for a sec (even tho' I can't hear myself think for the rustle of La Senza underwear packaging city wide), today was a heavy day. Work things are frustrating and emotionally demanding, personal stuff seems to be if not in crisis then in a highly highly unsatisfactory state. The promised diet has never materialised. I've been hitting the takeaway outlets with a vengence of late. I'm still hiding from the debt situ too. Not really going all the way, or anywhere really, with it. Still using credit and living 'beyond my means'. Been stalling re going down the road to potential bankruptcy! It sounds like a hard road (thanks Bert) but one I probably need to take. I'm still allowing my feelings re TLK to govern so many aspects of my thinking. My initial thoughts on most areas of life are overwhelmingly negative ones. A situ which tends to make it hard for me to find perspective and clarity. I get torn to bits by feelings that I'm an outsider and am fundamentally different to others. I've been a poor friend to many and a poor human being to most at one time or another. I can feel a lot of the bad old ways creeping in.I internalise all the time. I talk to myself while outside(!). I build up huge seething walls of resentment and bitterness. I'm starting to feel again as if everything is doomed. I've seen it in things I've written on here where I've started out trying to be upbeat and open and ended up firing my usual blanks at anything. Shit man, I have to change. I still hate couples (tho' individuals within them are usually cool!) and couple ephemera tho'...

Hell

I apologise in advance for all this but I'm going to have my tuppence worth!! Fucking Valentine's Day. Every year I feel fucking crazy on this day. This year has been far far worse because of the recent discovery of my ability to have 'these kind' of feelings for another human being. Valentine's Day is an annual opportunity for couples to inflict legalised torture on the unattractive and non-nubile of the world. All day today I've seen shacked up financial services employees walking around with bouquets ranging from the ostentatious to the uninspired. Tonight I'm afraid to venture into the community as the terrible twosomes will be at large whispering their little confidences and thoughts about you at a volume just loud enough for you to hear. I am the big guy who sits in front of them at the pics, I am the singleton who sits on his own at a table with two chairs and gets in their way-they could be there bellowing their union and 'specialness' to the world etc etc. You see because I'm unloveable I am obviously cut off from society and normalcy- that's a given- but on this day I feel rather sorely exposed and as if I'm being highlighted as a threat to this very status quo. People meet other people, shag them, spend time with them, marry them, share their lives with them. The fact this has not and will not happen to me seems to have been pounced on today. Everywhere I go I've been thinking of folk's marital status- NEVER SINGLE, OF COURSE- and I've become consumed by this and resultant feelings of loneliness, despair, isolation (!) etc. I do want to meet someone and get to know them, do things with them, fall in love with them etc but I think I know now...somehow... that this ain't going to happen (particularly not with that kinda attitude, I hear you say!!...pah..). I wish I could be totally aloof and not want to be 'with' folk but sadly I wasn't programmed that way. I just have to endure/evolve/ withstand etc etc. To top all this off, TLK relations have reached a low. She has been distant all day- no hint of her talking as a friend, just as a fellow employee. I can't help but get freaked by her moods and this uncertainty as to 'what we are' and I probably show this at times by with you these responses from me just make her clam up even more (perhaps rightly so. It's hardly 'treating folk as I would like to be treated masel, I know that) and she tends to go VERY distant indeed. I can't blame her at times. I'm not coping with the situ very well. I feel freaked out on a daily basis and I don't know what I need to or want to say to her. When she's like this I don't want to talk to her about it either. Another factor I should mention (and imo a possible explanation for a 'change' in behaviour) is that I think she's possibly started seeing someone. Now this genuinely doesn't upset me. I know how I feel about her but I am not an asshole and I try to be her pal therefore if the dude is a good bloke and she's happy then I'm happy...honest...What I don't like is the inevitable change to the way she reacts to me that being coupled up brings. Every person I've been pally with who enters a relationshjip changes in some way when they 'meet' someone. The very status of yer friendship changes as the person spends less time with you but everyone I've known changes almost imperceptibly at least near the start of the relationship. Most folk tend to go oddly secretive and cloak and daggery as if they're guarding something or have suddenly become party to some top secret info that you simply couldn't comprehend. I've seen folk go curt and evasive and make you feel as if you're in their way. I've seen folk quite simply ignore you until the initial vibes die down. I always feel that I'm not quite as interesting or valued or fun or worthy as I was before the shagging started. I tend to end up feeling as if I'm impinging on the person's quality of life in some way by taking up time they could be spending in their wee reverie. It's happened with every pal I've had' to some extent. That's probably what's happening with her too. I have thought that maybe she may be bothered by my feelings for her and it's making her feel awkward re mentioning certain things and I really hope that isn't the case but when she's in this kinda frame of mind I'm not sure she even thinks of me at all!!..that's no exaggeration. I think she tries to give off the vibe that she's quite casual and doesn't dwell on things. It's maybe a defence mechanism against certain anxiety based demons but I don't know. That's the problem. I keep trying to work out how I feel about her. Do I just like a concept I have of her that's false and idealised or do I like the real thing? I still know how attracted I am to her but I do dislike some aspects of her character. That may be down to me projecting an idea of how I'd like her to be on to the real person so that I'm imagining her as some kinda construct. I don't know!!! All I know is how very very messed up I am by being around her and the uncertainty it brings. She continues to give off these mixed signals re our friendship and (Because I'm a stupid mofo) it is damaging my health. When she's like the way she's been lately I don't feel valued as a colleague by her either as she goes very curt and tries to be oddly autocratic in work matters. Shit man, this isn't much fun. I really do want her to be honest with me and tell me to fuck off or for her to start being a good deal more consistent....Fucking valentine's day...

I First Saw You Down By The Wire

Is there a place for me? Will you be there too? Maybe not. You'll be at The Venue on a Saturday night or you might be at a Brewer's Fayre jazz night. Old friends. Rekindle. Make statements about grammar that show I don't know what it all means. I'm no that bright. But he is. Intimidating and crusty. I might well be on the way out. If only I knew when. You play everything down. So do I. But maybe for once I want to shout unmentionables from the rooftop. Impossible ways of life. A lack of a design for life. Orchestrated power pop. The sway of the terrace. Brave souls adrift on the night. Mad for you. I'm aching for you. That was a song that the discerning one didn't like. I don't like it now either. I remember a house with an overgrown pond. One of the kids there had 1 ear bigger than the other. It stuck out at right angles. He drank himself to death. Manipulative. Holly Golightly is an easy listening act. I only sang for the sake of it or maybe for status akin to The Voodoo Queens. Whatever happened to Linus? They pinched my band's name. We didn't support 'vaginal pride' strongly enough. I split my keks on stage. Others have shat themselves there. The drummer shagged good time girls in toilets. I spoke to Mark E Smith. Karl Burns pissed me off. Nobody listens to me. You might not care. I'm taking a breather from myself. A weekend in Cowdengelly. Underneath the arches. Maybe Dennis really was George Best after all. He was into gangsterism and Willie Nelson. He liked me. I liked him a great deal. I'm thinking of my comrade tonight. I hope he never found god.

Greg Blewett

If yer talking diary entry then I don't have much to say today. Another quite incredibly busy day at work. Non stop all day. My mind tended to wander somewhat tho'. Couldn't quite focus on very much. Thought about TLK of course and I suppose this is kinda tied together with it but I thought mostly about the notion of 'attractiveness'. Whatever 'attractiveness' is and it of course does mean different things to different folk, I clearly don't have it. Over the course of my lifetime I have only been aware of 2 people having 'fancied' me! Now I'm sure that many folk fancy others without letting on but I have trouble even contemplating sic a thing when it comes to this body, this face, this frame , this very 'soul' (!!!!...ha ha ha). 'Aye Kelly, you know, it's odd but I've got a real crush on the nervous, bald, behemoth over there'. Before you kick in wi' yer positivity aye I know I can do something about these things etc etc but I think for me there are big psychological factors at play which prevent me from loosening up and getting a clear head on this. I've never felt part of the process. This snogging and flirting thing is a foreign language and culture and the concept of 'pulling' someone is frankly absurd to me. I suppose I don't feel attractive but then again stags such as the ubiquitous Huey and the aforementioned Antwan The Swan maybe don't feel that crash hot either but it doesnae matter for them because they conform to a popular concept o' attractiveness. I have seen many vaguely buff arseholes go out with many women and it's made me cynical too. I don't know what some of you want! Outwardly you claim that personality is the biggest consideration...if he happens to look like a virile rutting rhino etc etc. I'm not sure there is a way in for me at all! I've never really felt any connection with a woman...maybe the odd half moment when I had hair and less blubber. This lack of something has made me dwell on what my sexuality may be. I kinda know that I like women and am no totally keen on blokes 'in that way' (that fucking phrase again!) but when I make initial 'advances' to a woman, this wave of something that is almost apathy tends to come in as I know that whatever I feel won't be reciprocated. TLK was different for me,I suppose. I knew right from the start she didn't fancy me but I was totally besotted with her from an early stage in a way I had never been with anyone else and my feelings were pretty strong so I didn't really have the apathy thing with her. Not that it did me any good! She is scuffed and world weary and strong and spiky and bright and complicated and complicated and complicated (!) as well as being a goddamned decent person if a pretty bruised and battered one. I know now that I probably will compare other folk I meet to her but seeing as all I'll ever do is meet them instead o getting to know them it doesn't really matter! Part of me has given up with romance/love/sex/ whatever. It just won't happen for me, I know that. I just wish I could stop feeling initially attracted to folk and/ or hadn't fallen in love for the only time in 34 years. Then it would be a lot more simple. I'm pretty certain this was brought on by the thoughts o' Valentine's day. That fuckin disgrace...another chance for the nubiles to gloat over you and for someone like me to feel extra humiliated if they dare to walk into a social setting on their own on Feb.14th. Dental torture? This is far worse. Want to get your enemies to confess? Ask them to go to a fillim in Edinburgh tomorrow night ON THEIR OWN and then ask them how they feel after 5 minutes. They won't be able to offer any resistence.

2) A wee housekeeping moment. I feel I should explain a coupla things. I've notice that I tend to use ' ' rather than the correct " " when I quote folk. This is kinda deliberate. I love the use of thae dreaded ' '. They seem to be able to totally undermine the meaning of any thing you intend to convey. Examples I've seem at my workplaces in the past include "S mentioned that his plug socket was 'sparking' "!!!..." P kept annoying the rest of the house by 'niggly' comments" and my pesonal favourite " D displayed a large amount of 'excessive' behaviour" !!! How can anyone behave excessively or even 'excessively'?!! Most things that folk tend to say, especially when they're written down and often taken out of context don't really convey what they mean to say or what they're thinking. I suppose by doing ' ' rather than " " I'm enjoying/employing the ability to turn everything in to a euphemism rather than a verbatim record. This just seems a wee bit more honest eg TLK said, 'I love you' means more to me than TLK said "I love you" Does that make any sense?? maybe not...drop me a line and I'll try and explain it all. I'll tell you things you'll never forget. I also dislike the idea of anything I come up with 'scanning' or following rules of how you're supposed to write. I don't write poetry, just doodles and I'm not wanting to write perfectly composed palimpsests/ novellas etc. I write what I can in the only way I can. I don't edit. It comes out as naturally ( that's always a controversial phrase but for me it just means unforced and unplanned) as I can make it. I know that the stuff I write off the cuff means a hell of a lot more to me than anything I've sat and laboured over for a long time. I've always struggled to 'compose' stuff. I have to just blurt it out and then try to make it semi- legible with spelling that is almost proper and a wee bit o' adherence to convention! but as for grammar and coherence!..I don't think so...

Are Supergrass Any Good?

I preferred them in the form of beavers. Rod Hull fell off a roof. Davie Powrie drank himself to death while his C5 rusted away. I got annoyed at that chunky northern poet who likes football and writes quirky verse. Lemn Sissay presented 'Jazz Club'. I went mad. I couldn't bear to read the word 'Domestos'. You 'shagged half of London'. I told mum everything. It drove her mad. Soon I will be bankrupt. Soon David will be dead. Soon I might be dead too. Soon you will find out about 'Internet Usage'. I might miss you so much that I give in. Music For Pleasure. Steven Bunting shot to fame too soon. I had a razor to my wrist in 1996... in the bathroom. It was creative expression. You were 'emotionally deprived'. I met Dr. West. She thought I should 'make more of myself'. She didn't talk to me. It was no-talking therapy. I had enough. I walked past King's Kurrys for the last time. I'm going to head off and find you in a dog-eared flat. You won't like me in that way. You admit that you will miss me when I burn. You might put on some mascara for going into town. You might 'snog dirty boys'. You might pull someone. You might be happy for a while. My brother went mad too. It was the late 90's. Everyone was doing it.

Normal People Are Daft

Sunday Sunday. I really have done nothing outside of work today. Did an 11 hour shift and felt somewhat drained when I finished. As I mentioned last night work is heavy at the moment- in a client as well as an office politics stylee. A few o' the service users are having crises and it makes for a different kinda job when you have to come in and deal with something pretty involved right from the start of the day. You have to find a way of unwinding, I suppose. Traditionally I've found it hard to leave work behind at the end of my shift. It's got harder since I've started living in a cupboard in a Twilight Zone Cowdenbeath. Anyway, sure I'll talk mair aboot a' these employment vibes soon. The Interweb caff has just been invaded by schemie little bastards. This is what plisses of public internet use are like back in Fife. The probable reason why Interweb caffs are scarce over there is that they WILL become invaded by wee shites as will any non-grog related place which opens after 5 pm. Huge cliche tho' it may be to say it there really is just nothing else to do in Fife if you're a working class kid 'cept hang around the streets so therefore bairns will always gravitate to anything at all that's open. If you ever go to a library that has interweb access and opens after school closing time it will also be clogged with the sound of popping bubblegum and contrived 'attitude'. It seems weird to see a group o' the Saughton Crew and their ilk in here as big city Interweb caff land is uniformly global and young and bourgeois. I think, in a way, I quite like to see one aspect o' the status quo being messed with! Aye being a teenager was hell in the 80's. I seriously wouldn't want to be one now. The pressure to 'conform or be cast out' (which has always been there to a certain extent) has been ramped up tenfold and you seem to simply have to act stupid/ reactionary/shitty just to get along and to 'fit in'. Of course it's the real thickies that have the hegemony on the way things are just because they can shout louder than anyway else and have forced their inhibitions oot the road. Sometimes I'm happy that I'm old! Today is possibly the first day in some time that my thoughts have predominantly veered away from TLK! It's a breakthough of sorts, I think. She's crept back in since I finished work but at least I'm getting there! Good lord...
PS due to work commitments I'm missing the Sunn O/ Earth gig in Glasgow tonight. A mite disappointed at that. I really wanted to give my bowels a good clear out.
PPS am starting to get disgruntled as a funky and beautiful couple have sat next to me. This makes me nervous. He's singing along to Supergrass while she gyrates on her seat in the glacial style. Before long I will start to dwell on privilege and how I have been 'done wrong'....I really must work on this nonsense...

I Remember When You Thought Weezer Were New and Fresh

Circular. I liked the sound of his name. Perry Como. Mother used to play 'And I Love You So' on a loop. You try to do perky. You can't. You try. I try. You've had enough of reasoning. 17-18. The best dream I could have- Saloon stocks sponsored by Cronbach For Meats. How am I supposed to get along? Nonesuch. No humour for the scuffed. Saturday night and Sunday morning in the Snake Pit- We only have Beers, Steers and Queers (Extended Mix)- desperate drinking. There's nowhere else. What about a masonic lock-in? Blind nostalgia for the place from those long gone. It's not uncommon. 'Ream Me, Cream Me' reappears. He got annoyed when I asked to borrow it within earshot of his mum. The floodgates have opened. I will be billed discreetly. Another night with 'the Chillis'. Why are you all drawn to white boy funk? It reminds you of easy hedonism and experiments with 'base'. You like the egregious Antwan. He's semi-rugged. There was a minute a while back where I didn't have you in my mind. Do you like to be called 'spiky'? I can't describe what I make of you. We're not close enough for that. What if you had been around in the days of despair? I'll meet you at Tony's Kebabs. We'll go to Kelty Rock Club. We'll see Joe's Band. I'll work in the Alabam. We'll rent flats decorated with tubular bells. We'll live off of the land...near the 'bru. We'll fail. These days. Impossibility. Less so/more so. We both used to be thinner. You have 'exes'. I have baldness. The books and all the records of our lifetime. What are yours? You never bought Real People 12 inches for 10 p. I never hung Picasso posters anywhere but I wanted to.

Song For 1992

What's the name o' that bad Deep Purple song? You know the one. The one where he sings like him oot o' Manowar. How do you connect with someone? Is it over a beer? Is it because of beer? Is it always mutual? Is it always healthy? What if I don't love life? What if I give in? What if I vanish? What if I have an infarction? What if I go on an endless quest for meaning and only make it to Bernard's Smithy? What if I try to become the new Milton Balgoni? What if I try to buy The Bein Inn? What if there was no one ever?...why does this sound like Desiderata?...I don't want to give 'you' this shit. I want to be acclaimed like David Berman. I want to proclaim. I want to enlighten. I want to ken who I am. I want to love anyone who'll look twice at me. I want to have a big willy. I want to know someone called John Thomas. I want to drink 2 bottles o' 'The Vale' and have 'the power'. I want to like you all. I want to be able to say I've never visited Naughty At Home.com. I want to be ebullient. I want to be at the centre o' these conversations I hear in The Filmhoose Caff- oh Matt, you know, you're such a good DP. I wish I could extend masel. I wish I could play a different kind o' 'death game'. I wish I could tell Bert Smog how great he is. I wish I wish I was in Egypt...or that I wanted to be in East Grinstead. I wish I was Steve Immerwahr. I wish I was Mark Eitzel. I wish I'd 'shagged berds' or anyone really. I wish I'd liked people. I wish I was liked more by 'the common man'. I wish it was still 1992, not that it was that great but I was less cynical then. I would have made an erse o' it and never thought about it twice..well once and a half...there are too many things you can be scared o'. I'll tell you aboot a few...

Shane Roiser

The weekend. In my darkest hours I had an almost pathological hatred of the weekend. It's true! When I was off my heid and on the dole in the badlands of Fife I felt as if I had more to hide from on Sat/Sun. I spent most of the time trying to protect my very solitary sense of despair and the wallowing that went with it. It was precious to me. The very fact that folk weren't at work at that time would mean that the phone might ring or there would be a knock at the door. I would have to pretend I was happy or sociable or act 'normal' and I couldn't/ wouldn't do it. It was painful. I couldn't accept folk's moods or their enthusiasm. I just wanted to be alone. Take away the last bit and I've felt a bit like it's the year 2000 all over again today. Without realising what I was saying I trotted out a couple of my old standards. When I was at my worst I always got rather spooked when someone suggested I 'join in' or I do something that the rest of the world did on a regular basis. It was some kind o' crazy reaction to feelings such as I had no money or was an outsider and a pariah and that I had no friends around me (this was a pretty delusional belief-I would try to ignore folk from time to time and then get down that I was alone. I would dwell on the times when no-one was around (ie they were doing something else) and claim to myself that I don't have any friends/nobody wants to ken me etc etc.). TLK said to me "you should go and get drunk" I laughed and said "That's funny. I always have to laugh when folk consider me as being part of the human race" It just slipped out. I used to use that phrase a lot in the bad old days cause I felt so adrift, I had no-one to go out with, I was unattractive etc. I didn't feel as if I was part of life or as if I was considered as a normal person (why should I be? No-one wants to spend time with me or snog me or 'appreciate' me or get excited about me and my abilities etc etc) I had another bad day today and I seem to have got back to that mind set. I can't remember what it was but I did say something else of this kind to her ie me scoffing that there's no point in doing whatever it was she had suggested cause I would fuck it up or something to that effect. These happenings are kinda worrying. TLK just adopted a kinda resigned look as if she'd heard it from me before which she has tho' maybe not to this extent. She was in another spiky mood and I couldn't cope with it. She didn't even refer to the txt (maybe I should explain it a wee bit more at this point. Basically she was going along to a meeting which was pretty important to our work. It was a stressful thing for her and she seemed to invite input prior to it and we agreed she would phone/txt and let me know how she got on. Now, we had spoken about it in a friendly manner and from a pal's pov I wanted to hear how she got on. From a colleague pov it could be argued that I needed to know how she got on. She doesn't seem to have considered either pov and basically forgot about contacting me and didn't even think twice today about the fact she hadn't done it. What really made me explode was a rather blunt txt she sent the day after her meeting which asked me a favour re something else entirely and didn't even mention the thing or respond to/acknowledge a light txt I'd sent her inquiring how she'd got on. I really felt as if I'd been cut off and the lack o' thought about it tended to make me reckon I'd seen the true pic re what she thought of me ie she doesn't think o' me. This continued a bit today. She may have been responding to my low mood tho'. The vibes (or so I thought) she was giving me tended to make me think twice about talking to her re the fact I was upset. I just felt she would have thought I was getting 'intense' or something of that nature) or consider anything should be untoward...which maybe it shouldn't be.. There were still some friendly moments and after I left work I got sheepish re what I'd said and txted her apologising (!!) and suggesting we met for a pint as I was going oot for a few. Is this psycho territory?! All this has made me think about what I feel about her. I've seen a side to her that I don't like. I think she has been a wee bit cold and terse about things tho' I would doubt if she means to be and that approach tends to freak me a bit. I'm not sure why it means so much to me to be pals with her. Probably because I think she's a likable person who I do have stuff in common with. Maybe it's just because of the way I feel generally..the 'love' vibe!! I still know how I feel when I'm around her but I just don't think we're meant to be pals either. I need someone who's a wee bit more consistently thoughtful and 'feeling' than that!! I'll still try to talk to her about it but I have to really force masel not to make an effort to approach her and to keep these feelings away. Work is so grim the now too and it ain't helping. She is getting increasingly militant and barbed re work situ's and it counts towards such a deflating atmosphere. She is nearly always right in her opinions on work stuff/ office politics but she presents them with a sledgehammer and a blunderbuss at the same time. There is no end of heavy client stuff happening now too and it ain't a good place to be. I feel really frustrated with the lack of support in working with one client who is just in the wrong type of service, pure and simple. There seems to be all manner of hold ups in him moving on to a more apt place and it's getting me down. Add that to the shit wages, the on call service we have to provide and the fact I'm obsessing re one of my colleagues all mean I have to leave. I'm not sure I can wait. I'm seriously thinking that I'll just put my notice in and fuck off to look for something else....mmm...aargh...Can I use one of my favest and most dog eared of phrases? It's at times like these when you start to feel the maggots take hold of your body...fantastic..maybe there's solace in romanticised despair after all..

PS TLK just phoned! She sounded on great form and was very friendly! Of course when she's like this I start wanting to be with her ALL THE TIME again. Is all this shit just in ma heid?!...you don't have to answer...

Optimum Time

Been a day o' self-reflection I suppose. Have felt pretty whacked since the TLK incident and have veered towards the dark side or at least 'the endless night' which is slightly lower in my personal despair hit parade. In addition to my own brand of 'drifting' and the 'death games' that I involve myself in I've been through all manner o' self analysis, most of it pointless, and have came back to the same place ie I'm hacked off, hurt, discombobulated, whatever. Had a chat wi' CH last night and one wi' KB today tho' which have reminded me of perspective. KB broke the incident down into likely goings on and I was able to see another side to it which I just couldn't before. I suppose he reminded me of who TLK is and helped me focus on how she tends to play things (going by as much as we know!). I get so totally paranoid and fatalistic in these situs and I always imagine the worst. I still want to move on- from job, from flat (this fucking place!), from life (!!!...ha ha) and most importantly from the states of mind I've been in ower the last coupla days. I'll write more the morn. Am genuinely drained. A' that wasted energy...fucking hell..
2. Have seen a few fillims yesterday and the day. Started off with Walk The Line. I know it may have divided opinions in some quarters and it does feature situations that are staples of bio-pics but having said that I liked it a great deal. Old Joaquin Phoenix is a total revelation in it. He has the mannerisms down completely and looks a bit more like him that you might think! It does appear that they did their own singing too and a fine job has been made of it. I was pretty impressed wi' the general package. Don't think you'll get many better biopics(!)...not saying a lot I know but still...saw 'Grizzly Man' tonight. Another fine fine fillim. It's one o' thae descents into madness... but with bears! There are times when you can see that old Treadwell probably wasn't that well a man but there are also many moments when you can see why he seemed to command a high rate of affection from those close to him. The interview bits are pure genius. Wunder Werner has clearly tried to contrive kinda false situations for these and the fact that the interviewees are uncomfortable seems to produce answers that are probably more pertinent than what they would have given if they'd been at ease and these work in drawing you further into Timothy's world and in giving you a sense of what happened...WHEN GRIZZLIES ATTACKED!!...acht that's being flippant. It's a great movie. Go and see it. Try not to go to an evening showing tho' because you have to put up with couples. I know I've ranted before re cinema going crowds but tonight brought it all back. I hate the inevitable reaction of total fear I get when folk see me coming to their row. 'He's not going to sit there is he? 'There's a big person in front of me'!!. These young lovers get quite miffed at the very thought of having to share a room with me. I mean, an obvious singleton going to the cinema? whatever next. Daytime cinema going is the way ahead...no couples...loads of space...cheaper prices...ideal. After this I went up to The Cameo to see 'Sympathy For Lady Vengeance'. Not seen 'Oldboy' or the other one whatever it's called. No really sure about this. It left me kinda cold- great visuals, great humour and an attempt to say stuff re the effects of violence but it just didn't register at all. The gamers/Tarantino stylised violence buffs behind me (a few longhairs were sighted in the audience too even some longhairs who seemed to be coupled! so 'violent' (not my phrase!) Asian cinema must be going down well wi' the ganja loving post-Crow crowd! Not so many hip young couples at this as there usually are in Edinburgh 'arthouse' cinemas. Maybe they were all in the bar as this seemed to be rammed beyond human endurance. The shackjobs of bourgeois Edinburgh re-enact the black hole of Calcutta in the Orgreave stylee) loved it tho' it 'wasn't as good as the other two' apparently. Rather worryingly their response to the trailer for ' Good Night, and Good Luck' was to ask each other 'what is that film about?' Go back to 'Tekken 2' and your parental contributions you wee bastards...anyway...

Where?

Late night...this'll be a brief one, I think. Have spent most of the day totally furious with TLK and by default myself after the txt I mentioned earlier particularly given the context of recent work events leading up to it. I've deliberately not explained what's went on. You'd probably think it's me being an arsehole but at the moment I am extremely hurt by what happened. I feel as if she has totally disregarded me both as a pal and as a colleague. I feel like putting my notice in and fucking off somewhere never to return. I feel that she's just dismantled all the great feelings I had of the team at work as having genuine togetherness and comradeship. It's dawned on me I'm not valued by her in any way and I've been very stupid to think that was the case. Maybe she meant to hurt me-that's what I can't get out my head. She's done a pretty good job if that's the case. In a way I hope I'm wrong about this but part of me maybe wishes I'm right so it'll allow me to clear the decks and fuck off away from all of it.

The Wayfaring Stranger

One stodgy meal was all I ever made for you. I present a bad picture of you to others. You spend new year's eve with the children of solicitors. You have always done what you wanted. Your manner somehow allows you to do it. I don't know how you achieve it. You looked out for me for a while. You find others more exciting. You were very kind to me. You kept your distance. I'm not sure why I do what i do. You don't know either. I don't know you. When I wrote that I felt substandard. You wouldn't write anything like that. You've never had time for subsistence living. You can get away with it. That's what I resent most of all.

Sent

I do not and I cannot. You can call me any time. I'll only call you when I'm buying the Harpic. I never think about you. Viewers in two states listen to anything. Contradictory nature. An aversion to Windy and Carl. Where is it? Is it somewhere sweating it out? Should we hope that it's lost? Traffic stops for no-one or at least not for anyone who's looking. In the ether there might not be something or there might be. When I met you I was wearing a purple shirt which didn't fit me. You never liked my clothes. I loved your red jersey-something that made me feel indecent. Here I am. I'm probably skint and aflame. I'm maybe washed up. I can't write proper stories. You guard yours with jealousy. I lent you a red hanky. You washed it and gave it back to me. You talk about getting over our pasts. We're all getting over them somehow. That's what we're meant to do.

Is This A Cave-In?

1. Wednesday- incredibly busy day at work which ended in a rather heavy way. Went to a hospice to see a client who is dying of cancer. He's an interesting and likeable guy who's ,,quite frankly, had a shit life and I do find it hard not to get 'emotionally involved' or effected when I'm working with him. Spent a good bit of time there during which he displayed some of his delusional beliefs ie that people are talking about him and that his thoughts are being broadcast by radio/TV. The effect of seeing this torment coming from a dying man really hit me and I felt pretty screwed after that and as if I had been 'too professional' in not just breaking down in tears in front of him. More TLK stuff was brewing at this time (for once I won't bore you with it) and the effect was a little heady to say the least. Went home, bought the reddest indian takeaway I've ever seen and wished I was 'one mile high', just like the song (no it's not a ganja reference..)

2. Thur- Aye, for some reason I want to start with a mention o' The Moomins! Maybe I feel the need to long for some kinda mega-wispy idyll. Right now the mundane is not doing it for me. Maybe I should do a David Crosby and 'go upstairs and freebase for a couple of hours' or maybe I need to just go adrift in the city night like I've always wanted to. The act of 'going adrift' carries all sorts of romantic notions for me , none of which of course involve flop houses, Meths or being 'rolled' for all my worldly goods. It involves plenty of self pity and self-pitying drinking, observation as confirmation of the extent of my 'goddamned regret' and blind despair and a final 'triumphant' journey 'to the bridge' (I love metaffers that aren't metaffers but just sound like them eg the one coined after the infamous incident years ago when my pal Rab saw a pretty girl and told us that he 'dropped his roll' ie he was eating a roll at the time and dropped it when he saw her instead of anything more of the 'creamed my briefs' variety!! Magnificent. Talking of Rab I must tell you the one that ends in the punchline " he should have been promoted to general for that" sometime!!..anyway). I realised a while ago that I romanticise my own gloom, misery, despair etc as well as my almost constant 'suicidal ideation' (shit I just read that back. It even sounds as if I'm luxuriating in the moment...aargh..). I do genuinely accept that this ain't good. However, I suppose it's almost kinda belittling my crap and keeping it at a distance in a way which is maybe not a bad thing. Aye..Distancing is one thing but actually doing something re the causes of yer 'forlornness' can be and is a hell of a lot harder. I know the causes but I tend to distance and abstract them as well as force masel to not think about them or to go to great lengths to work around them instead o' tackling them. Aye this bout of crap has been inspired by a txt from TLK which I won't go into detail about but has really got me down. I know I'm looking into things but, in it's context, it's probably the most impersonal and detached thing I've ever read. I'm now back into the realms of 'she doesn't think anything of me/doesn't want to know me etc etc etc'...damaging, self loathy and rather inconsequential crap I know but...the txt medium does lend itsel to being clipped and brief and TLK's normally are both those things but this is more like it was written by a robot or is using one of those templates that you get on mobile phones (!) She might as well have said FUCK OFF. I've been here before and I swore I would never react like this again but I have and I'm here now and I have no idea at all what to do...

Never

Another Monday. Had to drag masel out of bed in order to get to work today. Had a huge sense of the 'couldnae be bothereds'. Finally crawled in at 9.25 AM to find that I was on ma ain and immediately having to handle a client crisis. Things got better when TLK arrived on the late shift as they usually do when she gets in (leaving aside my somewhat complex raft o' feelings for her(!) she is a rather fantastic support worker- very good at motivating folk and getting them to realise that learning to do more for themselves will ultimately increase their quality o' life etc etc etc)- I suppose I'm an employee who prefers to work with others and to use 'the team approach' whenever possible. I like having other folk to run things by and to work matters out with. I've had a lot of experience in this and previous jobs of understaffed projects where you're on your own most of the time. It just isn't a good way to work. Had a good day's chatting with TLK- nae management at large so we had free rein to chat and work things out re our feelings on the current work 'difficulties'. From time to time I feel that TLK is getting a mite intense re these matters to the extent that she can't let the issues go and she tends to keep going over and over them. I ken we're probably moving into (or deeper into- ha!) cliche territory but I just think that expending emotional energy and reserves over these bastards is akin to giving into them. TLK tends to regard this advice as glib and, you know, she's maybe right but it does appear to be advice that, so far, is working for me. Anyway, a day's chatting with TLK inevitably turned into a night in the pub tho' this time it was a relatively positive affair for the most part . During the first 5 we talked a lot re work initially but then got deeper into our ain vibes and I got more of that confirmation that we are indeed friends that seems to be so important to me. I remember talking a lot re 'suicidal ideation' as the boss at the work calls it. Neither of us are strangers to that nonsense and I mentioned to her that I felt a wee bit freaked re the feelings I had had strongly on Saturday night. We've always been able to talk re this kind o' thing and I appreciated the fact she listened last night. After drink no. 6 matters dipped a wee bit. In my tiddly state I got miffed re her wish to enter an argument wi' a bunch o' bar proppers re the death penalty. When TLK has a few jars she gets very deeply drawn to these bar debate vibes. Frankly I just can't be jeered with it. The boozy opinions of strangers are just snippets of wisdom that I tend not to wish to seek out. I also ken very well where I stand on the death penalty and the prospect of hearing 2 or 3 pissed blokes go on in the style of 'the man in the street' re how 'bufties' and other undesirables should be gassed is garbage I don't need to hear. TLK went to get the grog in, didn't emerge from the bar for some time then stuck her head roond the corner and waved me through. I got the low down and gist o' the chat and made up my mind re wanting to get out of there ASAP. She said "I can't skip this argument". In a rather miffed way I said "well, can I skip it?" and went back to where we were sitting. I was peeved (and pissed). I was enjoying talking with her and to see her get a mite pointlessly argumentative wasn't really what I was up for. She also made a throwaway comment re how she needed some '"riveting conversation in a pub". She didn't mean it the way I took it but the alcohol made me regard this as a personal insult. I had no desire to go and talk to random blokes when I could be having a great chat wi' her! Anyway, we left a wee while after that, pretty blootered but without having fallen out. Sometimes I can't handle imperfections! My paranoid shit reads far and falsely into everything and tries to work out why she didn't want to keep talking to me...godamnit!...grog really should be banned, shouldn't it? Got down on return to the hovel but was so knackered I feel asleep fairly soon afterI got back. Blissful sleepy vibes seldom come to bedsit land, my only home!!...ha ha..
Tuesday saw another drag masel oot o' bed scenario...slightly hungover...another busy day at work...2 client crises...mair feelings of solidarity wi' TLK...another coupla pints wi' TLK...mair feelings of a lack of connection wi' TLK...premature exhaustion...a building feeling of ennui...more bewilderment re how attracted I am to TLK...feelings of how unattractive I am to simply EVERYONE...feelings that life is never going to be fulfilling...feelings of annoyance at the England cricket team but mostly at masel...I keep thinking about going for these 2 better paid jobs that I've got app. forms for but somehow I know that I'll never get round to actually applying for them...dwell on this and feel pish...gan hame... eat junk...crash out...expect to do it all again the morn...shit, I said I would back off from her didn't I?...

Ronnog + Bleak

So, the morning after the nicht before. Wake up without hangover but with plenty of the maudlins still hanging around. Tried not to think of the way I felt last thing last night and it did work after a while. The presence of live cricket on TV cannot be underestimated as a factor in keeping the poison down. I suppose strictly speaking watching sport is just another waste of time but I can safely say to cricket that, hey man, "you're my favourite waste of time" (It took a fair bit of contriving but to get an Owen Paul reference in to something I wrote has been an ambition of a lifetime!!). Watching cricket has never seemed like a waste of time to me. I think I've loved the game since birth and a lot of the time I'm in the hoose I'll spend it flicking through cricket stats (I'm not joking!!). Anyway, I'm going to move on before I start to feel that I am in fact nowt more than another faceless contender for Polyglot Of The Year or Chorister Of The Decade. AARGH. Had a few dodgy moments today and my mind was prone to drift me into a' the bad shit I get up to- wastefulness, lazyness, sloth, greed, envy etc etc. I had an arrangement with KB to pop through to Kirkcaldy this afternoon. I ended up going tho' I had to force masel, mainly because TLK's pal had vaguely suggested we might meet up this afternoon. I didn't expect it to happen but seemingly naturally the mad side of the brain took this as a cue to start getting desperate to see TLK and to force out thoughts of doing anything else on the vague chance of being in the same room as her for a wee while. Even if we did meet up drunkenness would have ensued and I would have had a' thae muddled, empty vibes and tangled vines that often come when drink, my'weaknesses' and TLK get combined. I forced masel to purge these thoughts and headed through to Fife. The clincher came when I saw the amount of rugger buggers who were hanging around the west end prior to the game at Murrayfield. EVERYWHERE you looked there were middle aged solicitors called Magnus in kilts and Barbours- hip flasks at the ready- and chunky Frenchmen wearing Tricolours from head to toe. The sheer volume of folk drove me out of the city and on to the bona fide 'Cultural Chernobyl' that is Fife. Kirkcaldy gets me down as soon as I enter the pliss- no nice facilities for coffee or for contemplation, just many many pubs and kebab shops. The fact it was a grey, chilly sorta day didn't help but damn Kdy wasn't looking good- dead shops and sleepy Sunday people (not sleepy in the beautiful shaggy haired big city style just in a monged brainwashy vein) next to..well...next to nothing really! I have a million bad memories of these towns. IMO the dearth of any sense of life or adventure in these places - folk only think of pubs as arenas for entertainment and nobody bats an eyelid to any great degree when leisure facilities shut down. People power is not the done thing here. Fifers seem to accept any closure and just stay in and watch the telly even more. This town really did damage my health, I'm sure of it, but of course I have to quote old Gibbard when he says " I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective" Aye maybe life and location is/are what you make it/them, it just doesn't quite seem as simple as that. Ya dig? I'm sure I'll tell you more about Fife at a later date...BTW...feel free to request my opinions on anything!!!! I'm happy to consider all requests for my wisdom on selected topics!!! I'll do my best to answer anything....aye...anyway...met KB and did the usual KDY stuff- characterless coffee shop, wander for a while hoping something will come up, dodge the thousands of schemie bastards that block yer path, ponder on why the people accept life in a town like this, think you know the answer, get fed up, want to leave after you've been here for 5 mins. Seeing KB was great tho'. We had a further talk on TLK matters and I pledged to masel that I will try and get further distance from me, her and pints. I also agreed to reconsider starting the diet. We sat in KB's hoose and I fell asleep for a while! Not sure what was up with that. I always miss KB when I leave and usually feel kinda down on leaving the pliss that I've been desperate to leave for the duration of the afternoon! Got the train home- it broke down and had to get towed to Haymarket! The bourgeoisie on the train got politely annoyed at the dashed inconvenience of it all. I got very annoyed at the dashed complacency of all of them...anyway...got hame...drifted aboot a bit..forgot aboot the diet...ate Pringles....started to get down and alone...thought about phoning the Samaritans...didn't see the point...wanted to eat more food...don't want to go to work tomorrow..wish I wasn't me...wish I had a bigger 'bannet'... thought about going to the bridge but then reckoned the train would probably break down en route...night...