Hurried, unloved...Can you break a broken heart?
Aye well. Not sure I've quoted one o' ma favourite lines on this so far but I'm sure as hell going to do it now! 'These phrases and these thoughts that will come to mind'. Indeed...Bit of an odd coupla days I think. More madness wi' TLK last night. Some heaviosity at work so we went for a few grogs which, on this occasion, turned into 6. My feelings about her were always on my mind and she talked very openly re these kinda matters ie love, relationships etc when she asked me a question re how attractive I thought she was!!! Look I'll give you a bit mair context. I think I'd got in the usual wee bit o' negativity re my self image. Something she doesn't really like to hear too much of and I think as some kinda empathy/ sympathy thing she asked me "how attractive do you think I am to the average person?". This is a topic which always causes her a fair bit o' angst. One of the main factors is that her best pal is, in TLK's eyes, 'more conventionally attractive' and she finds certain situ's quite hard to handle as a result- a' thae confidence issues etc start whirring aboot in a manner I ken a hell of a lot about!. So she asked me this more than once and I gave her 2 or 3 fairly straightforward answers which she didn't seem to accept, so then because she was being quite persistent, I just thought fuck it and told her the true answer which was 'That's hard for me to answer because of the way I feel about you'. It didn't seem to create any great waves and we just moved on to another topic but it stayed on my mind for a good while. I felt this was the honest way to reply when she just wouldn't get off the scent! I suppose I felt that giving this kinda reply was prefereable to appearing creepy by rating her as a 25! (one of my stalling answers was to refer to a male stag that we both know. I rated him an 8 in terms of how folk saw him) or by thinking too much about 'other factors' even tho' I think she is generally attractive to other blokes, just maybe not the ones who would say things in the 80's such as 'Kim Basinger is stunning', if ya dig. Kept thinking about this all the way long into the night. I should have never referred to this again. Got para re my usual conviction that women I like will automatically think I'm 'pursuing' them! Fuck. Delusional behaviour or even behaviour which is only 'arguably delusional' tends to rear it's head at awkward moments with me! Think the aforementioned self image vibes take hold big time when I'm talking with/about people that I like. I just have these solid beliefs that they will never 'fancy me' and that I will adopt the role of an ugly 'sad/lonely' man 'trying to find love'. I would love to be sexist at this point and rant re certain male/female role dynamics but perhaps I shouldn't!...anyway...
Got rather pished, started to feel a bit cold and fluy, got fed up, knackered, went hame, fell asleep, woke up at 7.30 AM feeling close to death. TLK didn't make it into work but I did..somehow. More heaviosity during the working day. Bizarre appearance from the area manager, for some reason related to the work 'troubles' that have been going on. Very hush hush stuff. Spoke briefly with TLK who was quite grumpy and sounded in a frame of mind akin to the form she was in last week. Decided not to prolong said conversation and sleepwalked through the day at work, stopping only to feel more distress re the guy who's terminally ill and re a few other clients too. Also started thinking again bout the shit I seem to be in money-wise. Not done a lot about it lately and it's getting close to 'default-time'! Need to get the act together to see the debt counsellor again and initially just to contemplate 'the extent o' the problem'!!! Anyway, chose to ignore that and acrue more debt by going out tonight too! Scran with CH first (this included a scene of such gluttony on my part that it just will never see the light of day!- 20 stone fat fuck in collapse shocker etc- When I have my infarction can it follow the Uri Zhivago model please? A hammily acted collapse while trying vainly to catch a final glimpse o' Julie Christie/TLK!!!! complete with loads o' 'peasants' rushing to my aid! Superb. Of course I'll draw the short straw and get the one where I croak mid-wank in bedsit land, penniless, 'morbidly obese', festooned in pornography and with none of my 'goofball ideas' having come to fruition after all-natch. Not that I have any say in the matter of course but this scenario might be tolerable only because I have never ever used a 'wanking sock'!! Never seen the appeal of that..) and then on to see Chris Brokaw. CB is a US indie alumnus who these days does a lot of solo stuff of pretty reliable quality and who turns in a nicely homespun and deftly played acoustic set. He has a nice manner about him too even this was surely tested tonight by the lack of publicity surrounding the show (the poster outside mentioned 'Tonight-Pilot Cam' Pilot Can are the pretty shite band of a local gig promoter and nothing to do with C. Brokaw, ex of Come and Codeine. The gig didn't make it into the List (semi-legendary local 'entertainments' guide) either and this was reflected by the fact that about 3 people ie me, CH and AM appeared to be there to see him. The crowd swelled towards the end of the set and it became apparent that an open mic thing was about to kick off!!!! So, loads of folk ended up coming along to see an am dram monstrosity to which CB was a virtually unannounced sideshow!! I tried not to dwell on this situ and headed off after the horror of the 'Open Mic' sesh became apparent. CB's tunes stayed in my mind tho'- fave being one gorgeous achy Codeine epic early on in the set called 'Median', I think. AM is a very brave man when it comes to talking to 'celebs' (I get extremely shaky about doing this- the self esteem thing again I'm afraid) and he had a chat with CB afterwards. CB mentioned that 'Median' was in fact an unreleased Codeine song!! Ah, Mr. Immerwahr, you are so missed. There aren't many moments of the day when I don't feel like abandonding sanity/ rationale completely and singing ' ...to be one mile high then I would kill you all...' at top volume. Jeez..I can't stop... "D for dishes, F for floors, can't make the grade anymore" ..."Last night I had a dream, your eyes were lit by fire" etc etc. One of the tragedies of my life (no joke) was the fact I had to leave a Codeine show after 2 minutes to catch the last train! Those two minutes have never left me- " Loss Leader, losing sight of the shore' Fucking hell...pauses to greet...so CB was awfy guid. Naebody was there. Had another guid chat with AM towards the end o' the night. Went hame, listened to the King Creosote LP AM lent me. It was recorded in Crail. There was a line on it about the first tree in bloom on the High Street or something like that. I felt was on a wavelength with KC at that moment!- in an attempt to beautify hopeless smalltown Fife esteemed town planners planted twiggy saplings in all the High Streets. Obviously these get swamped by all the gustiness and Saturday night piss therein so they have to be protected by these black metal (as opposed to 'black metal' ...Bathory hit Kdy High Street!) grate things which are rather ugly! Maybe I'm reading into it too much but with that line he managed to say more about small town hopelessness than anyone else has done before! Other tunes reveal some lovely lo-fi sounds and heart string tugging. Some of the words are a mite quirky and indie friendly but somehow that doesn't matter! Good old KC.
Woke up on Fri feeling extremely cold and flu'd. Had a wee bit of a lie in as I didnae start at the work til 11.30. No the best vibes today. Felt unwell. Work was hectic and heavy. Still understaffed and very much overworked and it's no that cool. The client I mentioned earlier is struggling and has terrible periods of loneliness. We finish at 7 and he might not see anyone til 9 the next day. This ain't good for him. The fact that I know a fair bit about loneliness made it hard for me to remain totally professional and clear. It's probably hard for a virill stag to take this in but if you want to be with people and 'elements of the way you are' prohibit your chances of achieving that', then you're going to have moments of crippling loneliness and despair! To me that's a given. I suppose I had a period where I felt unbelievably lonely but also couldn't bear being with anyone as I felt so bad! This wasn't much fun. Reading it back now I feel as if I should have just told masel to 'pull yersel together' but of course that's no that easy...anyway. Felt awfy hopeless and kinda useless re what I can do for folk. Also felt very alone masel as well as wheezy and runny nosy! Spoke briefly on the phone wi' TLK. Was pleased she phoned me and she sounded ok. Afterwards I tried to erase her from my mind and of course failed. Crawled up frae the work tae the Royal Mile and met CH in the Canon's gait . My mood was upped tremendously after some chat and also by the fact that staff agreed to turn the telly over to the Aus v. SA 20/20 game on the other side! Ah it was magic- one of the many advantages of big city life- Cricket is tolerated in pubs. In Fife cricket does not get put on pub TV's. It would get 'shouted down' if it did. Sat there for a while. Then wandered doon to the legendary Bongo Club (the old Moray House- memories of seeing Half Japanese there in the early 90's came flooding back. The pliss was packed but it became apparent NOBODY was there to see HJ. They had flocked to attend the indie disco afterwards. Some prick actually shouted " get the disco back on!". It was grim stuff.) to see the incredibly legendary Park Attack. PA are a band who seem to play every day in Glasgow but who's Edin appeareances are rare to say the least. I've heard so many good things about them and I was v.v. keen to finally catch a taster. The fact that they didn't come on til after 1 AM and we had to sit through a mostly crap 'discoteque' complete with students trying to work out how to shag each other on the dance floor tested my resolve more than a tad. Christ these 'standard interactions' again- you know, this is how life works ain't it? We all possess a certain amount of attractiveness so therefore society has created these plisses where we can put that to the test/ into action and behave in certain ways which might or might not produce opportunities for coitus. The flaw is that certain folk clearly do not have the looks or the lifestyle or the temperament to handle these rutting rituals and to 'pull' so they are forever destined to sit at the side taking in the sights of mass frottage to the sounds of the Stooges or the Pleasureheads or 'Gorky's'. I can only tolerate so much of these evenings where how little other folk think of you 'in that way' is pointed out. I was just about to start thinking like Mick Travers and raiding the armoury before PA came on! Man, they were great. They played for 20 minutes!, annoyed the kids who wanted to dance to Le Tigre and generally confused the hall big time. They don't embrace many indie formats and rumble and rattle in a nicely primordial way. Gruelling, growly, grating guitar sounds scour your lugs, the lovely lass on drums almost destroys the bass drum while grinning the whole time and the singer yelps away in a harsh whiny fashion which is oddly satisfying!, the bass player abuses the thing with various boxes and devices and the whole thing is far far remove from the sound iof the underground and it works big time. Of course Edin being Edin nobody notices they're playing or have finished and they leave the stage to a total whimper. I think I love this band! Had a late late night, particularly as I walked hame to the wild west through thae usual late night pissy and kebaby streets. Turned into a bit of a sleepless night too. Woke up many times totally fu' o' the cold. Have been rattled wi' it a' day. Off work the day but couldn't make up ma mind what to dae. Got put off by crowds o' folk who' all look forward to their Saturdays' en route to Tynecastle whuich is just along the road frae the shithole where I stay. Later in the day rugger buggers were everywhere too. Felt squeezed. Spoke wi' KB and ISH for a while on the blower. Felt distanced frae the world. Drifted into default mode- to this interweb caff land where they play Fleetwood Mac LP's as a break frae Les Ferdinand. Still trying not to think of TLK...still failing...
Got rather pished, started to feel a bit cold and fluy, got fed up, knackered, went hame, fell asleep, woke up at 7.30 AM feeling close to death. TLK didn't make it into work but I did..somehow. More heaviosity during the working day. Bizarre appearance from the area manager, for some reason related to the work 'troubles' that have been going on. Very hush hush stuff. Spoke briefly with TLK who was quite grumpy and sounded in a frame of mind akin to the form she was in last week. Decided not to prolong said conversation and sleepwalked through the day at work, stopping only to feel more distress re the guy who's terminally ill and re a few other clients too. Also started thinking again bout the shit I seem to be in money-wise. Not done a lot about it lately and it's getting close to 'default-time'! Need to get the act together to see the debt counsellor again and initially just to contemplate 'the extent o' the problem'!!! Anyway, chose to ignore that and acrue more debt by going out tonight too! Scran with CH first (this included a scene of such gluttony on my part that it just will never see the light of day!- 20 stone fat fuck in collapse shocker etc- When I have my infarction can it follow the Uri Zhivago model please? A hammily acted collapse while trying vainly to catch a final glimpse o' Julie Christie/TLK!!!! complete with loads o' 'peasants' rushing to my aid! Superb. Of course I'll draw the short straw and get the one where I croak mid-wank in bedsit land, penniless, 'morbidly obese', festooned in pornography and with none of my 'goofball ideas' having come to fruition after all-natch. Not that I have any say in the matter of course but this scenario might be tolerable only because I have never ever used a 'wanking sock'!! Never seen the appeal of that..) and then on to see Chris Brokaw. CB is a US indie alumnus who these days does a lot of solo stuff of pretty reliable quality and who turns in a nicely homespun and deftly played acoustic set. He has a nice manner about him too even this was surely tested tonight by the lack of publicity surrounding the show (the poster outside mentioned 'Tonight-Pilot Cam' Pilot Can are the pretty shite band of a local gig promoter and nothing to do with C. Brokaw, ex of Come and Codeine. The gig didn't make it into the List (semi-legendary local 'entertainments' guide) either and this was reflected by the fact that about 3 people ie me, CH and AM appeared to be there to see him. The crowd swelled towards the end of the set and it became apparent that an open mic thing was about to kick off!!!! So, loads of folk ended up coming along to see an am dram monstrosity to which CB was a virtually unannounced sideshow!! I tried not to dwell on this situ and headed off after the horror of the 'Open Mic' sesh became apparent. CB's tunes stayed in my mind tho'- fave being one gorgeous achy Codeine epic early on in the set called 'Median', I think. AM is a very brave man when it comes to talking to 'celebs' (I get extremely shaky about doing this- the self esteem thing again I'm afraid) and he had a chat with CB afterwards. CB mentioned that 'Median' was in fact an unreleased Codeine song!! Ah, Mr. Immerwahr, you are so missed. There aren't many moments of the day when I don't feel like abandonding sanity/ rationale completely and singing ' ...to be one mile high then I would kill you all...' at top volume. Jeez..I can't stop... "D for dishes, F for floors, can't make the grade anymore" ..."Last night I had a dream, your eyes were lit by fire" etc etc. One of the tragedies of my life (no joke) was the fact I had to leave a Codeine show after 2 minutes to catch the last train! Those two minutes have never left me- " Loss Leader, losing sight of the shore' Fucking hell...pauses to greet...so CB was awfy guid. Naebody was there. Had another guid chat with AM towards the end o' the night. Went hame, listened to the King Creosote LP AM lent me. It was recorded in Crail. There was a line on it about the first tree in bloom on the High Street or something like that. I felt was on a wavelength with KC at that moment!- in an attempt to beautify hopeless smalltown Fife esteemed town planners planted twiggy saplings in all the High Streets. Obviously these get swamped by all the gustiness and Saturday night piss therein so they have to be protected by these black metal (as opposed to 'black metal' ...Bathory hit Kdy High Street!) grate things which are rather ugly! Maybe I'm reading into it too much but with that line he managed to say more about small town hopelessness than anyone else has done before! Other tunes reveal some lovely lo-fi sounds and heart string tugging. Some of the words are a mite quirky and indie friendly but somehow that doesn't matter! Good old KC.
Woke up on Fri feeling extremely cold and flu'd. Had a wee bit of a lie in as I didnae start at the work til 11.30. No the best vibes today. Felt unwell. Work was hectic and heavy. Still understaffed and very much overworked and it's no that cool. The client I mentioned earlier is struggling and has terrible periods of loneliness. We finish at 7 and he might not see anyone til 9 the next day. This ain't good for him. The fact that I know a fair bit about loneliness made it hard for me to remain totally professional and clear. It's probably hard for a virill stag to take this in but if you want to be with people and 'elements of the way you are' prohibit your chances of achieving that', then you're going to have moments of crippling loneliness and despair! To me that's a given. I suppose I had a period where I felt unbelievably lonely but also couldn't bear being with anyone as I felt so bad! This wasn't much fun. Reading it back now I feel as if I should have just told masel to 'pull yersel together' but of course that's no that easy...anyway. Felt awfy hopeless and kinda useless re what I can do for folk. Also felt very alone masel as well as wheezy and runny nosy! Spoke briefly on the phone wi' TLK. Was pleased she phoned me and she sounded ok. Afterwards I tried to erase her from my mind and of course failed. Crawled up frae the work tae the Royal Mile and met CH in the Canon's gait . My mood was upped tremendously after some chat and also by the fact that staff agreed to turn the telly over to the Aus v. SA 20/20 game on the other side! Ah it was magic- one of the many advantages of big city life- Cricket is tolerated in pubs. In Fife cricket does not get put on pub TV's. It would get 'shouted down' if it did. Sat there for a while. Then wandered doon to the legendary Bongo Club (the old Moray House- memories of seeing Half Japanese there in the early 90's came flooding back. The pliss was packed but it became apparent NOBODY was there to see HJ. They had flocked to attend the indie disco afterwards. Some prick actually shouted " get the disco back on!". It was grim stuff.) to see the incredibly legendary Park Attack. PA are a band who seem to play every day in Glasgow but who's Edin appeareances are rare to say the least. I've heard so many good things about them and I was v.v. keen to finally catch a taster. The fact that they didn't come on til after 1 AM and we had to sit through a mostly crap 'discoteque' complete with students trying to work out how to shag each other on the dance floor tested my resolve more than a tad. Christ these 'standard interactions' again- you know, this is how life works ain't it? We all possess a certain amount of attractiveness so therefore society has created these plisses where we can put that to the test/ into action and behave in certain ways which might or might not produce opportunities for coitus. The flaw is that certain folk clearly do not have the looks or the lifestyle or the temperament to handle these rutting rituals and to 'pull' so they are forever destined to sit at the side taking in the sights of mass frottage to the sounds of the Stooges or the Pleasureheads or 'Gorky's'. I can only tolerate so much of these evenings where how little other folk think of you 'in that way' is pointed out. I was just about to start thinking like Mick Travers and raiding the armoury before PA came on! Man, they were great. They played for 20 minutes!, annoyed the kids who wanted to dance to Le Tigre and generally confused the hall big time. They don't embrace many indie formats and rumble and rattle in a nicely primordial way. Gruelling, growly, grating guitar sounds scour your lugs, the lovely lass on drums almost destroys the bass drum while grinning the whole time and the singer yelps away in a harsh whiny fashion which is oddly satisfying!, the bass player abuses the thing with various boxes and devices and the whole thing is far far remove from the sound iof the underground and it works big time. Of course Edin being Edin nobody notices they're playing or have finished and they leave the stage to a total whimper. I think I love this band! Had a late late night, particularly as I walked hame to the wild west through thae usual late night pissy and kebaby streets. Turned into a bit of a sleepless night too. Woke up many times totally fu' o' the cold. Have been rattled wi' it a' day. Off work the day but couldn't make up ma mind what to dae. Got put off by crowds o' folk who' all look forward to their Saturdays' en route to Tynecastle whuich is just along the road frae the shithole where I stay. Later in the day rugger buggers were everywhere too. Felt squeezed. Spoke wi' KB and ISH for a while on the blower. Felt distanced frae the world. Drifted into default mode- to this interweb caff land where they play Fleetwood Mac LP's as a break frae Les Ferdinand. Still trying not to think of TLK...still failing...
posted by Jock Gumps at 9:34 AM
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