Missing Out

You want to know the most humiliating experience in the world...if you're a singleton...particularly an overweight singleton? I'll tell you. Here's the deal. It's late at night. You've been drinking. Suddenly you feel the need to enlarge yer heart with the death sentence dessert that is takeaway food. You buy it and you're walking along the road clutching it with a certain ferocity. Suddenly you see a couple. They look at you with utter contempt tho' they also have a smug knowing look in their collective eye. They know that they have just seen the perfect embodiment of the age old scheme of things. There they are strolling, in a casual yet thrusting manner that is the wont of the couple, down the street..their part of the street will always be leafier than mine...they are attractive , virill, wholesome, they can and they will etc. Now the fact that they've seen you with a takeway casts a terrible (and leaden) pall. They of course eat freshly prepared meals at bistro's, they buy things like rocket regularly and they will never have infarctions. They will never be seen on their individual ownsomes never mind in true solitary mode and they'll certainly never be caught with a late night takeaway in their hand!. When you see a downhome man wandering the streets with pizza or chip poke in hand there's a fair chance that he might be a singleton, have nae friends, be 'alone' etc etc. There is something about the very feeling of being rumbled as someone who lives on their own, is not a shackjob like the rest of the world seems to be, is not out having fun on a Saturday night and so forth. When you're exposed in this fashion it really hurts, I can see them looking at me in a Charlton Heston "THEY'RE LEPERS!!" stylee with a' the feelings that I outlined the other day coming into play. These bastards hate me cause I remind them of their own potential unattractiveness(!)...it can happen to us all! I have my doubts (ha ha) but maybe one day they will be 'porky,alone and asexual. Aye, I walked home tonight pizza box in hand. I felt their eyes burning into me. I even got paranoid with passing cars. The bastards were looking at me as a sad case/ a loner/ a stalker/ not one of them. The usual quota of my brain was on TLK but the other parts couldn't think of anything other than me as Mick Travers on top of a roof, having raided the armoury, and dispensing 'justice' at a Valentine's Day ball. "...to be one mile high, then I would kill you all..." Aye, quite. Nae mair couples shit. I'm exhausted. I should say there won't be any more TLK shit either but I just can't guarantee that.
Wed wasn't too bad a day at work. Slightly less busy than of late. The only heaviosity being that I found myself having to dispense droppers of liquid morphine to a client- fucking hell. I tried not to dwell on the wider picture and just thought of the fact the guy seemed to feel better pretty quickly afterwards. Away from specifically 'work' related vibes, I chatted a wee bit wi' TLK. She continued her Tuesday distance early doors but warmed a little later on. She's still pretty reserved tho'. Part of me wants to tell her everything that goes on in my head but she'll probably call the police! I've found myself starting to say semi-manipulative wee things like "I'm going to put in my notice". This is something I really feel like doing but probably won't. I know that part of me says this to see how she'll react. I'm desperate to know what she really makes of me what with all these mixed signals that fly around. I think she's probably wise to it as she plays a very very dead bat indeed when I mention this. I'm not proud of doing this. I justify it as only being 'semi-deliberate'! For fuck's sake! I kinda know somehow that she's seeing someone and I have a feeling she maybe feels funny re me knowing. The thought of this in turn irks me. Despite evidence to the contrary on these pages, I'm not a psycho (!!!). I don't keep many secrets from folk I know and like and trust and I have a preference for folk who are honest with me in return. Of course she doesn't have to tell me anything and I don't want to know anything re her business. I just want her to be a bit more consistent and not switch on and off as she tends to do. If we were real pals I feel she would tell me certain things as I do with her when she's approachable. The more I think about it, I reckon that she just never thinks about most things that much. She's a fairly instinctive lass and maybe isn't someone who dwells very much on certain aspects o' her goings on. I don't know. I still know how I feel about her tho' and that doesn't seem to be abating...for now...I must work on that.
Went to see Daniel Kitson at the legendary Stand in Edinburgh on Wed night. Saw him doing stand up last year and was a little disappointed. The guy is a genius with words but that night a lot of his show was engulfed in talk of how great he was and how funny he was! That isn't really my vibe, I'm afraid and it doesn't tie in with the moments of melancholy and sadness that appeared all too rarely at other parts o' that show. Last night the balance was restored and at times he came close to the total mastery of his crafts that he displayed during the monologue thing that he did at The Traverse last year. That was a tearjerker and probably one of the best pieces of 'art' I've been party to in a' ma puff! He was generally sharper and far more inspired than in the summer stand up and it was amazing to see the difference between the loose mostly improvised first half and the tight as nails second bit. It was quite something. DK can do anything he likes! I love tragi-comedy. What a surprise! Got a wee bit self-conscious going in to The Stand when I saw a' the couples who were there and realised that as a speccy, rotund, beardie, folk might think I was an acolyte or that I had been one of those keen as mustard 5 year olds who you used to see at snooker on the telly dressed in a waist coat, bow tie and a Snooker Loopy badge. It was a wee bit awkward. This was in addition to me trying not to dwell on the phenom of well adjusted 'couples' seemingly enjoying the humour of a social misfit...if that phrase can ever really have a proper human manifestation! Went hame after this headfirst into the scenario outlined earlier. Got melancholy. Wished I was erudite like a DK. Wished I was drunk etc etc...Dragged masel up at (thanks CH) 'stupid o' clock' to plough into another long, packed and really quite harrowing day at work. The guy who's terminally ill got extremely emotional on a couple of occasions and spoke a lot re the delusional stuff he's had to suffer for years. I was greetin' with him and I just can't stop thinking about and caring for the guy. He's a great bloke and I know I will think about him for a long time to come. This guy has had a shit life, the likes of which nobody 'deserves' but he, in particular, does NOT deserve it. There really isn't a fucking god you know. Not that I needed any confirmation at all but anyone who can think there is one need only hear this guy's life story. Was run off my feet all day and then I came hame in the pissing rain. Ended up in Interweb caff land again. The music in here vexes me bent. Anyone who thinks 'Satelite Of Love' is a classic is sadly mistaken...

PS Contemplated editing some o' the TLK stuff I wrote above. I didn't but I'll allow masel a comment! I really don't 'mind' re her goin out wi blokes!! It is of course nothing to me...which is as it should be...S'pose the point I was trying to make was that I've seen enough evidence to indicate that we've been through times when she would have told me about a fair few things that were going on with her and yet now that appears to have changed. I know that my mind clouds over as soon as the thought of another couple entering the world takes hold but I'm clear on my awareness of the kinda person I am. I am not an 'erse and I hope I've never done anything to irk her or piss her off. Maybe I should just talk to her?!! I really don't know re the efficacy of that. Of late I feel she's kinda treating me differently as a colleague as well and I'm hurt on that level too. I'm probably just paranoid and stupid. No that that knowledge by itself is much succour to certain feelings I have. That wee paragraph explains everything doesn't it?! Fuck..