Shane Roiser

The weekend. In my darkest hours I had an almost pathological hatred of the weekend. It's true! When I was off my heid and on the dole in the badlands of Fife I felt as if I had more to hide from on Sat/Sun. I spent most of the time trying to protect my very solitary sense of despair and the wallowing that went with it. It was precious to me. The very fact that folk weren't at work at that time would mean that the phone might ring or there would be a knock at the door. I would have to pretend I was happy or sociable or act 'normal' and I couldn't/ wouldn't do it. It was painful. I couldn't accept folk's moods or their enthusiasm. I just wanted to be alone. Take away the last bit and I've felt a bit like it's the year 2000 all over again today. Without realising what I was saying I trotted out a couple of my old standards. When I was at my worst I always got rather spooked when someone suggested I 'join in' or I do something that the rest of the world did on a regular basis. It was some kind o' crazy reaction to feelings such as I had no money or was an outsider and a pariah and that I had no friends around me (this was a pretty delusional belief-I would try to ignore folk from time to time and then get down that I was alone. I would dwell on the times when no-one was around (ie they were doing something else) and claim to myself that I don't have any friends/nobody wants to ken me etc etc.). TLK said to me "you should go and get drunk" I laughed and said "That's funny. I always have to laugh when folk consider me as being part of the human race" It just slipped out. I used to use that phrase a lot in the bad old days cause I felt so adrift, I had no-one to go out with, I was unattractive etc. I didn't feel as if I was part of life or as if I was considered as a normal person (why should I be? No-one wants to spend time with me or snog me or 'appreciate' me or get excited about me and my abilities etc etc) I had another bad day today and I seem to have got back to that mind set. I can't remember what it was but I did say something else of this kind to her ie me scoffing that there's no point in doing whatever it was she had suggested cause I would fuck it up or something to that effect. These happenings are kinda worrying. TLK just adopted a kinda resigned look as if she'd heard it from me before which she has tho' maybe not to this extent. She was in another spiky mood and I couldn't cope with it. She didn't even refer to the txt (maybe I should explain it a wee bit more at this point. Basically she was going along to a meeting which was pretty important to our work. It was a stressful thing for her and she seemed to invite input prior to it and we agreed she would phone/txt and let me know how she got on. Now, we had spoken about it in a friendly manner and from a pal's pov I wanted to hear how she got on. From a colleague pov it could be argued that I needed to know how she got on. She doesn't seem to have considered either pov and basically forgot about contacting me and didn't even think twice today about the fact she hadn't done it. What really made me explode was a rather blunt txt she sent the day after her meeting which asked me a favour re something else entirely and didn't even mention the thing or respond to/acknowledge a light txt I'd sent her inquiring how she'd got on. I really felt as if I'd been cut off and the lack o' thought about it tended to make me reckon I'd seen the true pic re what she thought of me ie she doesn't think o' me. This continued a bit today. She may have been responding to my low mood tho'. The vibes (or so I thought) she was giving me tended to make me think twice about talking to her re the fact I was upset. I just felt she would have thought I was getting 'intense' or something of that nature) or consider anything should be untoward...which maybe it shouldn't be.. There were still some friendly moments and after I left work I got sheepish re what I'd said and txted her apologising (!!) and suggesting we met for a pint as I was going oot for a few. Is this psycho territory?! All this has made me think about what I feel about her. I've seen a side to her that I don't like. I think she has been a wee bit cold and terse about things tho' I would doubt if she means to be and that approach tends to freak me a bit. I'm not sure why it means so much to me to be pals with her. Probably because I think she's a likable person who I do have stuff in common with. Maybe it's just because of the way I feel generally..the 'love' vibe!! I still know how I feel when I'm around her but I just don't think we're meant to be pals either. I need someone who's a wee bit more consistently thoughtful and 'feeling' than that!! I'll still try to talk to her about it but I have to really force masel not to make an effort to approach her and to keep these feelings away. Work is so grim the now too and it ain't helping. She is getting increasingly militant and barbed re work situ's and it counts towards such a deflating atmosphere. She is nearly always right in her opinions on work stuff/ office politics but she presents them with a sledgehammer and a blunderbuss at the same time. There is no end of heavy client stuff happening now too and it ain't a good place to be. I feel really frustrated with the lack of support in working with one client who is just in the wrong type of service, pure and simple. There seems to be all manner of hold ups in him moving on to a more apt place and it's getting me down. Add that to the shit wages, the on call service we have to provide and the fact I'm obsessing re one of my colleagues all mean I have to leave. I'm not sure I can wait. I'm seriously thinking that I'll just put my notice in and fuck off to look for something else....mmm...aargh...Can I use one of my favest and most dog eared of phrases? It's at times like these when you start to feel the maggots take hold of your body...fantastic..maybe there's solace in romanticised despair after all..

PS TLK just phoned! She sounded on great form and was very friendly! Of course when she's like this I start wanting to be with her ALL THE TIME again. Is all this shit just in ma heid?!...you don't have to answer...