Never

Another Monday. Had to drag masel out of bed in order to get to work today. Had a huge sense of the 'couldnae be bothereds'. Finally crawled in at 9.25 AM to find that I was on ma ain and immediately having to handle a client crisis. Things got better when TLK arrived on the late shift as they usually do when she gets in (leaving aside my somewhat complex raft o' feelings for her(!) she is a rather fantastic support worker- very good at motivating folk and getting them to realise that learning to do more for themselves will ultimately increase their quality o' life etc etc etc)- I suppose I'm an employee who prefers to work with others and to use 'the team approach' whenever possible. I like having other folk to run things by and to work matters out with. I've had a lot of experience in this and previous jobs of understaffed projects where you're on your own most of the time. It just isn't a good way to work. Had a good day's chatting with TLK- nae management at large so we had free rein to chat and work things out re our feelings on the current work 'difficulties'. From time to time I feel that TLK is getting a mite intense re these matters to the extent that she can't let the issues go and she tends to keep going over and over them. I ken we're probably moving into (or deeper into- ha!) cliche territory but I just think that expending emotional energy and reserves over these bastards is akin to giving into them. TLK tends to regard this advice as glib and, you know, she's maybe right but it does appear to be advice that, so far, is working for me. Anyway, a day's chatting with TLK inevitably turned into a night in the pub tho' this time it was a relatively positive affair for the most part . During the first 5 we talked a lot re work initially but then got deeper into our ain vibes and I got more of that confirmation that we are indeed friends that seems to be so important to me. I remember talking a lot re 'suicidal ideation' as the boss at the work calls it. Neither of us are strangers to that nonsense and I mentioned to her that I felt a wee bit freaked re the feelings I had had strongly on Saturday night. We've always been able to talk re this kind o' thing and I appreciated the fact she listened last night. After drink no. 6 matters dipped a wee bit. In my tiddly state I got miffed re her wish to enter an argument wi' a bunch o' bar proppers re the death penalty. When TLK has a few jars she gets very deeply drawn to these bar debate vibes. Frankly I just can't be jeered with it. The boozy opinions of strangers are just snippets of wisdom that I tend not to wish to seek out. I also ken very well where I stand on the death penalty and the prospect of hearing 2 or 3 pissed blokes go on in the style of 'the man in the street' re how 'bufties' and other undesirables should be gassed is garbage I don't need to hear. TLK went to get the grog in, didn't emerge from the bar for some time then stuck her head roond the corner and waved me through. I got the low down and gist o' the chat and made up my mind re wanting to get out of there ASAP. She said "I can't skip this argument". In a rather miffed way I said "well, can I skip it?" and went back to where we were sitting. I was peeved (and pissed). I was enjoying talking with her and to see her get a mite pointlessly argumentative wasn't really what I was up for. She also made a throwaway comment re how she needed some '"riveting conversation in a pub". She didn't mean it the way I took it but the alcohol made me regard this as a personal insult. I had no desire to go and talk to random blokes when I could be having a great chat wi' her! Anyway, we left a wee while after that, pretty blootered but without having fallen out. Sometimes I can't handle imperfections! My paranoid shit reads far and falsely into everything and tries to work out why she didn't want to keep talking to me...godamnit!...grog really should be banned, shouldn't it? Got down on return to the hovel but was so knackered I feel asleep fairly soon afterI got back. Blissful sleepy vibes seldom come to bedsit land, my only home!!...ha ha..
Tuesday saw another drag masel oot o' bed scenario...slightly hungover...another busy day at work...2 client crises...mair feelings of solidarity wi' TLK...another coupla pints wi' TLK...mair feelings of a lack of connection wi' TLK...premature exhaustion...a building feeling of ennui...more bewilderment re how attracted I am to TLK...feelings of how unattractive I am to simply EVERYONE...feelings that life is never going to be fulfilling...feelings of annoyance at the England cricket team but mostly at masel...I keep thinking about going for these 2 better paid jobs that I've got app. forms for but somehow I know that I'll never get round to actually applying for them...dwell on this and feel pish...gan hame... eat junk...crash out...expect to do it all again the morn...shit, I said I would back off from her didn't I?...