Ghosts and death...

Went to a 'rival' bank today and did one o' the many things I shoulda done some time ago ie open up a different bank a/c away from my main creditor! This being me we're talking about, of course there was a slight complication in that my new bank promptly offered me a credit card as part of the 'package' and of course I accepted it!!! What the fuck is going on? Anyway, at least I've got a new hame for my wages. I'm not quite sure what ultimately the score is going to be with these debt 'issues' but I know that my current bank is going to get kinda angry pretty soon when they notice no further funds will be coming in! A big part of me does not want to go all the way to court and bankruptcy and shit like that so what I'll probably look to do is try to renegotiate summat with the biggest o' my creditors (I took out an incredibly stupid loan wi' the bank last year to 'consolidate' debt and then promptly spent the cash without paying off the debt!! I've got one particularly large credit card as well) wi' the help o' the debt counsellor person I saw. The process of changing a bank account proved to be an oddly involved process complete with the running of a credit check and much photocopying of documents. It's kinda like these bastards think you're wanting to bank their money instead of your own- ha I suppose that's what I've been doing for the last few years anyway so why change now!! Aye I feel uncertain about the future...for many reasons but principally for financial ones. I love working with the clients at my current job BUT the wages are shit...really shit..., the management are a bunch of bastards (I'm dying to tell you all about them but prudence dictates otherwise...for now...) and I'm also rather hopelessly in love with one of my colleagues. As melodramatic as it sounds seeing her every day is not proving that healthy a thing for me at the moment even tho' I get awfy down if I don't see her every day! The 3 support workers in our place (me, TLK and KS- not mentioned her so far but a nicer person would be hard to find) are a pretty tight unit. We get the job done and support each other with difficulties and dodgy moments. Something is about to kick off soon which will get messy and will probably make the atmosphere in the office total hell. I want to stay and make sure we get through this crisis (KS is going off on maternity leave in the summer too) and not leave the others...well principally TLK...to deal with it. However, I've seen a coupla jobs which pay a hellova lot better and which look quite interesting. Due to my current financial meltdown I think I need to apply for these but I don't want to leave folk in the lurch. TLK has already said that she's worried I'll leave and she'll be left on her own with the management. I know that TLK being TLK a statement like that can never be a straightforward one She is a person who certainly from my experience tends to take charge of things as opposed to finding hersel in a state where she might feel 'in hock' to other folk and she tends to project a spiky brand o' self-sufficiency so how much my disappearance would really mean to her I don't know. But having said that I feel maybe I should stay and tough it out. That may involve doing relief work on the side.. I've already put the feelers out for this. My worst fear is that I'll end up working with folk wi' learning disabilities again and doing sleepovers and things like that. I did this for 2 years and it nearly finished me off. Individual clients were great but the general vibe in these places sucks-institutional, run for the benefit of staff, backward, patronising-clients were often spoken to like kids and ticked off as such- and generally miserable. The main pliss I worked in Fife was grim- short staffed, very challenging tho' cool clients, dated, grimy etc etc. I would not want to do this again. I applied to an agency which provide 'care' staff so I could get offers of anything from work on a needle exchange to night shift in an old folk's home. I didn't mind doing hands on personal care stuff or lifting folk in hoists yada yada but the hardest bit was being on your own in a challenging environment for long periods of time and also having to endure things like supporting clients to clubs and nights out which featured kids entertainers and appearances from Santa Claus! SOME of the clients liked that kinda vibe, others were a bit bemused by it. To me, it was all rather Victorian. THESE FOLK ARE NOT KIDS AND DO NOT THINK OR BEHAVE IN THAT WAY. Jeez it was a hard 2 years. I don't want to get back to the situ of having to take on shifts in these kinda places cause im desperate for cash. Anyway, I dinnae ken what'll happen. I'll let you know what ensues..eek...I'll try my damndest to keep the muddled thinking and the paranoia down to a minimum when it comes to making decisions...AARGH...