Elvis- fat, frantic and 40

Aye...Monday...reasonable day at work. Bit of a calm before the expected storm o' this interview thing the morn. Relations were very cordial a' day wi' the management. I just hae a feeling that they'll pull something out the hat on the day. Been a bit para re some TLK stuff as well. I tend to presume that I'm automatically being seen by folk or folk I fancy in particular(!) as sinister/'freaky' or just dull and boring in a 'I have no reason to want to spend time with you'stylee. That may sound an awfy strange thing to say. Sadly for most of the time it's the truth. That is the way I think. Whether it's a mental illness thing. Whether it's the truth or evidence o' a crippling lack o' any positive self image I just don't know. But now I feel the familiar pattern is starting wi' TLK matters. She's obviously freaked re my feelings about her and just wants to get away from me yada yada yada. A coupla things happened last week which I've interpreted as her trying to distance herself. She probably isn't but I can't pull masel away frae that deadly type of thinking. Trying to find some clarity tho' I don't think she really thinks of us as close friends despite things she's said to the contrary. I just don't know if she thinks of me at all- fuck that's glib, it's the kind of shit I think most days tho'!- or has ever thought anything of me and it bothers me not because I want her to fancy me/love me etc just cause I think there is a way we could be pals and I want that to happen. I want to be able to spend time wi' her and talk to her in an easy stylee. Her mood swings and her character- self sufficient, independent, a wee bit aloof, very reserved tho' she tries to give an impression otherwise- kinda just leave me uncertain where we stand. I'm even para at the moment re what her best friend thinks of me! I think this is my cue to back off big time which is what I've tried to do over the weekend- no contact at all. I do believe now that she is trying to give me the odd signal to stay away which is fine but me being me automatically thinks she's labelled me as some kind o' psychopath and my head can't really handle those labels. I've started looking even closer at what she says and how she comes across. I really am a fucking idiot worrying about this I know that but if her character produces interesting situations for others then mine does quite nicely in that dept for me thanks very much! Anyway...enough TLK...went to see 'Hidden' tonight. Another uber subtle and nuanced psychological warfare piece from Michael Haneke. I won't give the game away but there is a certain sequence that you won't forget in a hurry...believe me. Go see it. In terms of sheer quality of acting, direction and ...goddamnit...originality this just blew the pants of 'Munich' which I saw last night. 'Hidden' has none of those Hollywood movie things going on. Those staples of the movies just grind me down...here's the heart string tugging bit...here's the patriotism...here's the saccharine etc etc...why would you choose to see fillims like Cheaper By The Dozen when you could go to see something else like this?..I don't understand it. When I got back frae the pictures I put a post up on Bowlie. Bowlie is a v.v. vibrant and entertaining music-y forum and COMMUNITY which has close links tae Belle and Sebastian et al. The folk who post on it are mostly serious indie-philes. Sometimes it gets me down a bit. There are only so many testaments to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (that IS the worst band name EVER pure and simple...I think they called themselves that just to annoy fat baldie people called John from Fife) that a man can tolerate. I got a wee bit angry tonight at folk getting excited re the prospect of the bloated misery that is Dungen appearing TWICE at ATP next year. I won't go in to it here but ATP is a festival that I have a love hate relationship with. I've been 3 times now and I'm going twice this year but there are so many ways it could be improved IMO and I get annoyed that it continues in the same stylee year after year. Anyway ATP and Bowlie are indie staples and now and again I have to lash out at such conventions. I feel the indie world exists for the gratification of 20-something nubiles frae Hemel Hempstead who have no trouble 'pulling' but who like to make out that they are in terrible pain most of the time. This is not a world I fit into. Now and again I need to vent. I have to add that I feel real guilty re my post and am currently thinking of the large number of very lovely Bowlies that I know in person...eek...I'm a brute of a man...PS I 'fancy' so few people that when I do like someone it comes as a mammoth surprise and I know I will remember them the person in question pretty clearly! I'll call her JN. Will there be more to report at a later date?!...eh...no...PPS this has been an awfy ragged post tonight mainly because I've started to feel a bit ragged in the last hour or so. It is a seriously cold night up here and I can hardly move my fingers to type...bedsit land eh? ha ha..