Is It?

How would I rate today? Well I don't know. A little better than yesterday perhaps with a few trips to the dark side en route. Coming back 'home' to this horrid flat is never a good thing and my mood tends to dip on first sight of the squalor therein. In terms of cleaning the fucking place well I've just never done it! I kinda feel as if the pliss doesn't deserve to be clean. There's no room to move things around in anyway. At least I can get all Marc Almond on yo ass by saying that I leave in Bedsit Land. Of course it's without any o' the dancing, laughing or loving but with a fair bit o' the drinking. He makes it sound exciting. Of course that's where he falls doon a bit. I shall never again live in a pliss that doesn't have a kitchen but merely a 'food preparation area'. Bedsits are fucking horrid. Period. If yer living in one it means you've nae cash, are 'on your own' (it's such a given somehow that fat bespectacled males will say they're single. I feel a billion 'thought so's' coming my way when I give my 'status' to anyone) and are probably at some kind o' a crossroads. I wonder if anyone called Matt or Will/Emma or Sarah has ever stayed in a bedsit or been single for that matter!!. I would seriously doubt that any ever have. Fuck. The jealous shit of the fat ugly man (in a bedsit natch) comes to the fore again. TLK was off sick today but I spoke to her on the phone a coupla times re work stuff. A' the stuff that goes through my mind when I speak to her. I totally cut masel in two trying to think of what she feels about me. I've known from day one where we stand in terms of 'mutual attractiveness' but I just don't know that she sees me as a proper friend either. We've done a lot of friendy type things but I can never quite establish whether she's totally ok re me phoning her or suggesting we meet up. She's never given me any direct vibes but I've seen a lot of her 'complexities' in action and my thinking dashes off into areas where I startto believe she doesn't want anything to do with me ootside o' work or is (the feeling beyond contemplation) freaked oot by my feelings for her. You see, it's because I'm thinking like this that I know I have to get away from her-move on (AARGH! That fucking phrase), develop, grow, find someone else(HA HA HA HA HA..the glibness of advice that tends to be dished out in these instances sometimes defies belief!!) etc etc. I know what I have to do man. The snag is that I'm still at the stage where I'm thinking about her too much and this thinking tends to fall a bit short on desired standards of clarity/perspective etc etc. Hell hell...sometimes being a lump o' lard is the hardest job in life...cue despair etc etc..I promise that my next post will be shorter on cliche's and longer on euphemisms for the word 'penis'...