Flawed

Unaccustomed as one is to feelings of love and longing there are days when I get extremely bewildered as to just how overcome by them I can get. Today was one of those. Hadn't seen TLK in a few days. When I saw her this morning I remembered how in love with her I undoubtedly am. A' that teenage rubbish that I never had when I was a teenager- the sense of Wendy Craig in the stomach, looking out for her (TLK not Ria Parkinson) coming in the door, contriving ways to spend a second or two longer with her, at times (I'm not bullshitting you)literally being unable to speak because I'm looking into her eyes....aye, that kind of thing. At 35 it all seems a bit creepy and a bit wrong!! I'm supposed to say that it is of course nice to feel I'm capable of said feelings tho' as I had previously thought I could never feel this way about anyone. These phrases and these thoughts didn't prove much of a consolation today. Aye I'm daft about her and that does get me down in my own 'typical life of a painful introvert' kinda way but other non-ish TLK shit came into play. From time to time I feel is if I'm not doing my job properly and that the work environment is such a gnarly, awkward place in which it is simply impossible to do it properly. On a personal level I will always think of that office as a pliss where I spent so long with a head full of TLK, so crammed in fact that work became ..well.. a load of pish quite frankly. I like the clients that we work with but there are a number of probs with the 'management' in the place. I'll no go into these the now but their 'issues' are unnecessary and petty and quite draining. I feel as well that after 3 years o' support work I've wiped enough bums, applied enough plasters and washed enough dishes for a lifetime goddamnit. I want to go adrift in the city night, I want to wear silly hats and grow big hair, I want to shout at people who want to swim with the dolphins. I want to let my single follicle down. I know what I'm going to do- I'm going to leave Sunshine Desserts-Portobello Beach here I come. I'll get a job at the nearest pig farm while wearing fake big teeth....anyway, left work with a head full o' crap thinking of the rubbishy tasks I've got down for tomorrow. I feel like I want to leave my job, find something else, change the style, fuck it up, walk down your street naked if I want to...eek...maybe I'll take recourse to Absinthe cocktails or tins of Princes Beef n' Beer...anything that 'numbs the senses', he says in the Cowdengelly style...At this point I have to add this...I don't care if this is uber glib...fuckin hell man I really feel totally alone tonight. A screen (TV or monitor) may have many advantages over some types of company but it doesn't flatter itself with conversation or bon mots. There are only so many times you can scream at it or throw things at it or pu' yer bannet in front of it (is that too much information?!) and it still fucking sits there looking at you. I find masel pondering over my old crucial Countdown conundrum- How is loneliness possible?..there should be a natural cutoff and balance. Your brain should be able to work out how much company and solitude respectively you need and operate you accordingly but alas....most of my life I've wanted to be on my own for one reason or another and when I end up on my own it is invariably unrewarding, disappointing, a mini Play For Today tragedy so bad the BBC kept it in the vaults until the time was right to re-evaluate the career of Ted Moult. Along the same lines I desperately want to be with certain folk at times but then I'm so inept around them and come across so indifferent to their presence that it looks like they can't get away quick enough. I've never felt as if folk are madly excited by being around me. The option of another spunkier person always seems the stronger compared to me and my Kermit's nephew ways. Aye I'm the stereotype of a lonely person-a buyer of ready meals, large on gut and Agnew's bags but short on co-habitation or experience of mutual shopping expeditions to buy 'a nice bottle of wine', short of hair, not too clued up re giving the gift of lingerie and a complete stranger to Expedia.co.uk. Wait a minute man...I've just thought of a phrase that makes me quite proud of what I am. I sound strong and aloof, single-minded and rugged...yes I am a SOCIAL PARIAH...oh glorious consolation...you're so pretty baby where did you go?...