An Intro to last year/last night.

Today was a strange day. I'm sure that was how a fire safety public info fillim of the 70's started-old man falls asleep with ciggie in hand while in mid reverie over his day selling livestock at a country fair! Christ that phrase reminds me of being back in Fife- For 10 or so years I was 'stuck to my couch back east..depressed'!!- I had any number of weird days there. Constant feelings of a lack of 'connection' (whatever that may be) with folk and a kind of hellish, clingy torpor which gets it's teeth into me whenever it can to this day still. I went around or more correctly stayed in the house analysing everything I did and every wee gesture or look that came my way. Think the day's nonsense started when TLK told me she didn't want to come out for a drink! She'd said earlier that she might so I was filled with my own brand o' paranoia as to why she'd 'changed her mind'. Of course her answer that she 'felt like shit' wasn't enough. It obviously means that she never wants to see me again-fuckin' hell! Last Sunday I told her I was in love with her!! She took it well and said that we would continue to be pals as well as colleagues so now every time I see her I'm looking for signs that she's freaked out at my confession and wants nowt to do with me. Our 'relationship' doesn't amount to much anyway, I suppose. She's a colleague and drinking buddy as well as my first love (I am only 35!) . We have moments where it seems we're close and I think we do have plenty in common but I also think that I tend to spend most of my time with her simultaneously thinking about how much I feel about her and in getting drunk. I just can't work out what she actually thinks of me and my bullshit causes me to make myself kinda ill ruminating over it. Because of the grog and the self-doubt to-do I'm tending to think I need to cut myself off from her which will be hell as that old 'movement in your brain' just makes me want to be with her ALL THE TIME. I've known her for 9 months and been in love with her for 9 months and I've spent most of that time thinking about her tho' I have always known that she doesn't feel the same about me..yada yada yada...and I'm cool with that but of course I soon discovered that my feelings didn't switch off like a tap. If only I could go the whole hog and drink to forget! Good lord..
Also had a daft argument with KB. KB is my oldest and closest pal. He makes a huge effort to get me motivated and to encourage me to make changes to my shit. Basically, I think he cares about me a hell of a lot and I've never doubted that for a second. KB is vegan and lives and breathes that. I was vegan for 8 years 'til I got frustrated, greedy and lazy and started eating cheese! It took me 4 months to tell him. He was crushed I think and took it as an example of how I might have 'given up' or something to that effect. I nearly snapped when he suggested that I was bound to eat meat soon! In reality I think he was just a bit too correct and a bit too honest for me and I couldn't handle it. He has got me thinking about myself and my current ennui a great deal. I'm living in a studio shithole. I'm over 21 stone. Basically I'm tending not to face up to reality and I need to change that. Facing up to yersel is a bit o' a mofo and no doubt. Have I ever done it? Probably no.