Top Banana

Up insanely early today. Awake since 5AM thinking about debt and other 'issues'. It never does a person ANY good to muse on how it might have been and how you've ended up and all that...but... I would like to say I thought I would be 'married 2 kids' or a 'success' by now but I never expected that at all. There are times when I feel I've got just what I deserved...I mean I'm sorry Jim...I know this is self loathy bull and so forth but I think I expected this. I never saw myself in a positive light and I always felt powerless against the weight of a' thae hegemonies- the successful career, the degree, the attractiveness, the disposable income, the goddamned confidence- what I could ever offer you, I don't know. I still feel crushed by this and other trappings of middle class oppression(!). I still feel this thing whereby I could work all I wanted, do all manner of laudable things and I would never be 'accepted'. I felt this really badly when I sang in the band. I suppose we were mildly successful in our tiny wee sphere and I felt we put on a better show than most of our peers but somehow I knew that we could never ever cut it with the shaggy haired ones. They were easier on the eye-more pallatable and sellable and that of course is all that counts. I'm not going to kid yous all. I'm sure you're well aware of my limitations by now. I'm a person of average abilities and with no real talent but I've met a lot of folk who were total assholes and had NOTHING AT ALL to say and yet they are awbody's pal and musically they were the best thing ever etc etc. Every day I have this sense of failure, of defeat and as if being some kind of fuck up was what I was destined to be. I can only fight against this for so long. I need to force masel free of this shite and work it out. Can I do it? No sure...I'll have a fucking good bash tho'...