Human Givens/ His Real Name Was Liebling
Well you know, Saturday night. Sat is the time the place the right time the night time...that's projectile vomit...aye where was I? Good start to today. Positive vibes. Up early. Went to meet KB. Did usual tour of coffee plisses and leafy parts of the city. Sunny vibes in place so yon 'movement in your brain' sent us to the Botannical Gairdens. Loads and loads o' folk there in the winter sun but far more squirrels, a situ which provided an appealing tilt to the population ratio at large in the gardens. KB has been a great great pal to me over the years and he's been pretty long suffering too on my account. I know that my seemingly endless 'issues' and periods o' low mood/ill health/stasis have been hard on him but somehow he continues to 'be there' and to provide advice, encouragement, perspective etc. I have said this before but I probably wouldn't be here without him. I think he found my recent return to the world of dairy produce to be a real blow but we managed to have an amiable chat about it today. I admit my decision to start eating cheese etc again was a laziness/greed/frustration issue. I believe that being vegan is something that just makes sense from an ethical POV. It really is the only way you can say you're making a real stand to care aboot animal welfare et al . For the time being I seem to be indulging masel despite my beliefs- something I'm not proud of. I think I've temporarily run out of a bit of fight and I know I need to regain it. Part of me just feels like eating cheese (!). That's a given for 99% o' folk but I dinnae feel that good about it. There isn't ANY reason I can give either as to why I'm not going back to the vegan path other than 'I still seem to be eating cheese'...mmm...
Bit of a packed programme today- a rare occurrence indeed and a welcome one. Generally speaking it is healthy for me to have plenty on the calendar cause if no then I find masel falling into the stay at home/ have a wank/ eat Pringles and waste away another day syndrome. This is naturally no good for my 'mental wellbeing' (!) and desperately needs to be avoided however hard it is to motivate my fat ass and to shake off all the barriers I put in my own way- you can guess what they are. After I saw KB I met one of my brothers and my sister in law. They've had a birthday tea thing arranged for me since Jan 1st so we wandered aboot for a bit, made an abortive attempt to visit the Parliament (another of our many national disgraces, if still not quite on a par with Tam Cowan or Rab C Nesbit) , had a few grogs and went for a rather sumptious Indian nosh-up. B+C are nice folk pure and simple and we get along pretty well. Probably without knowing it I've started to make more of an effort with the family of late. For a long time I think I felt like I really was an embarassment or at least a black sheep or that they just didn't 'understand' me. Now, it's hard to describe but it seems easier to spend time with them. Generally I feel better these days so I'm able to keep a conversation going and to not feel a total absurdity when I talk re my crappy life (!). A few years back I felt a total brick wall was present with the family. I thought I couldn't raise any aspects of my life as I was sure they just didn't know what I was talking about- I put a huge price on this vulgar notion of being 'understood'- and I often felt cut off from them as on the surface we seemed to have nothing in common at all- I was the misfit and the poor one who couldn't afford to gan oot wi' them and stuff like that. I know my brothers made a lot of effort to keep in touch with me during thae times but I distanced masel and I feel bad about it now, I really do. I suppose I'm trying to redress that. There's a good 10-12 year age gap between me and my brothers and I never felt as if we had a normal brotherly relationship- no massive fights over domestic matters etc etc. They seemed a hell of a lot older and were coupled up and civilised while I seemed to struggle with everything, trudging through life in the hairshirt ha ha!. Basically I felt quite inferior to my brothers tho' they NEVER encouraged this feeling or wanted to spend any less time with me when I went a wee bit AWOL, there was just a bit o' distance there. Acht we had a guid time wandering aboot and chatting today tho'. Things went a wee bit heywire in my mind when we were sitting in a pub and who should walk in but TLK and her pal SH! Things were very good with us as they have been lately but the meeting kinda threw me. For starters it got me thinking about her all night! We were en route to the nosh hoose so we couldn't stay very long but it was long enough for me to want to stay there with her and abandon food plans!!! I knew this was impossible so I tried to make my fat belly do the thinking and it worked! The family seemed to really take to TLK too which was nice and a reflection o' the sort o' person she is. My feelings about her tend to turn a little sideways due to my madness and I'm forever looking for some 'bad' side to her which is mostly inside my head..eek.. Aye during the meal I ended up trying to come across as making light conversation wi' the family when in fact I was thinking about nothing but TLK! I thought about txting her when the family headed back to Fife but decided against it. I know I can't allow masel to get caught up in drunken madness with her- the madness coming mostly from what's going on inside ma head but also in terms of the tendency for TLK to end up getting totally smashed and for me to get drunk to a degree not too far behind that . I felt I should avoid this. So I escaped the various vicissitudes of further TLK time and headed up to meet CH and some rather lovely Bowlie types. CH is a fine guy. He has a rather marvellously arch way about him and is also an instinctively caring sorta person even if he probably suprises himself at times with the extent of these qualities. I think we feel similarly re the lie of the land and way of the world (!). No need to say any more. Aye, the evening ended in Indie club land up at the Art School. I just can't help but get maudlin in these plisses. I feel too old and too letchy (I don't do anything to warrant this! What comes to mind is that wonderful Peel quote about gig going as an older person. He always felt that he might be seen as being there 'purely to feel girl's bottoms'!! He was a wise and lovely man. I kinda try to not look in the direction of any female in Indie land in case she calls the police! I think I must appear like someone's dad lurking in the background and trying to keep an eye on his Jacinta or Katinka while 25% of his brain can think of nothing but Sally James) and I start to feel as if life really has passed me by! All that snogging and frottage has never played any part in my life. I'm sure it would have been nice (!) but the seeming hegemony and feeling of inevitability that any remotely nubile folk will get involved in these behaviours just as a matter of course was not written with me in mind. Maybe it's just a fundamental lack of attractiveness (!!) . It's also maybe a lot to do with coming across as being tired of life or being reticent to get involved in the rich pageant therein. Anyway..no snogging for John Quays..ha ha...I get bogged down in these matters when I'm around younger folk or hip folk or hip younger folk and feel as if I'm vexed pretty bent. The music played last night was poor and I lost interest mainly because, even allowing for the general youthful hence personally uncomfortable vibes, my head was capable of thinking of nothing but TLK. So I went hame past the usual late night weekend end of civilisation carnage- piss, vomit and kebabs in queasy concert- and had a wee downer. The flat ws messy, freezing, dusty. It has never been a home and is a most unwelcoming place. I came home 'feeling up and feeling down and like I'm blown in on something I don't understand'. I was alone, too old, too fat, too shit. I sat in the dark suddenly deadly sober and sang 'X-French T-Shirt' out loud over and over again. It might have been an example o' yon catharsis that you read about but it didnae work...
Bit of a packed programme today- a rare occurrence indeed and a welcome one. Generally speaking it is healthy for me to have plenty on the calendar cause if no then I find masel falling into the stay at home/ have a wank/ eat Pringles and waste away another day syndrome. This is naturally no good for my 'mental wellbeing' (!) and desperately needs to be avoided however hard it is to motivate my fat ass and to shake off all the barriers I put in my own way- you can guess what they are. After I saw KB I met one of my brothers and my sister in law. They've had a birthday tea thing arranged for me since Jan 1st so we wandered aboot for a bit, made an abortive attempt to visit the Parliament (another of our many national disgraces, if still not quite on a par with Tam Cowan or Rab C Nesbit) , had a few grogs and went for a rather sumptious Indian nosh-up. B+C are nice folk pure and simple and we get along pretty well. Probably without knowing it I've started to make more of an effort with the family of late. For a long time I think I felt like I really was an embarassment or at least a black sheep or that they just didn't 'understand' me. Now, it's hard to describe but it seems easier to spend time with them. Generally I feel better these days so I'm able to keep a conversation going and to not feel a total absurdity when I talk re my crappy life (!). A few years back I felt a total brick wall was present with the family. I thought I couldn't raise any aspects of my life as I was sure they just didn't know what I was talking about- I put a huge price on this vulgar notion of being 'understood'- and I often felt cut off from them as on the surface we seemed to have nothing in common at all- I was the misfit and the poor one who couldn't afford to gan oot wi' them and stuff like that. I know my brothers made a lot of effort to keep in touch with me during thae times but I distanced masel and I feel bad about it now, I really do. I suppose I'm trying to redress that. There's a good 10-12 year age gap between me and my brothers and I never felt as if we had a normal brotherly relationship- no massive fights over domestic matters etc etc. They seemed a hell of a lot older and were coupled up and civilised while I seemed to struggle with everything, trudging through life in the hairshirt ha ha!. Basically I felt quite inferior to my brothers tho' they NEVER encouraged this feeling or wanted to spend any less time with me when I went a wee bit AWOL, there was just a bit o' distance there. Acht we had a guid time wandering aboot and chatting today tho'. Things went a wee bit heywire in my mind when we were sitting in a pub and who should walk in but TLK and her pal SH! Things were very good with us as they have been lately but the meeting kinda threw me. For starters it got me thinking about her all night! We were en route to the nosh hoose so we couldn't stay very long but it was long enough for me to want to stay there with her and abandon food plans!!! I knew this was impossible so I tried to make my fat belly do the thinking and it worked! The family seemed to really take to TLK too which was nice and a reflection o' the sort o' person she is. My feelings about her tend to turn a little sideways due to my madness and I'm forever looking for some 'bad' side to her which is mostly inside my head..eek.. Aye during the meal I ended up trying to come across as making light conversation wi' the family when in fact I was thinking about nothing but TLK! I thought about txting her when the family headed back to Fife but decided against it. I know I can't allow masel to get caught up in drunken madness with her- the madness coming mostly from what's going on inside ma head but also in terms of the tendency for TLK to end up getting totally smashed and for me to get drunk to a degree not too far behind that . I felt I should avoid this. So I escaped the various vicissitudes of further TLK time and headed up to meet CH and some rather lovely Bowlie types. CH is a fine guy. He has a rather marvellously arch way about him and is also an instinctively caring sorta person even if he probably suprises himself at times with the extent of these qualities. I think we feel similarly re the lie of the land and way of the world (!). No need to say any more. Aye, the evening ended in Indie club land up at the Art School. I just can't help but get maudlin in these plisses. I feel too old and too letchy (I don't do anything to warrant this! What comes to mind is that wonderful Peel quote about gig going as an older person. He always felt that he might be seen as being there 'purely to feel girl's bottoms'!! He was a wise and lovely man. I kinda try to not look in the direction of any female in Indie land in case she calls the police! I think I must appear like someone's dad lurking in the background and trying to keep an eye on his Jacinta or Katinka while 25% of his brain can think of nothing but Sally James) and I start to feel as if life really has passed me by! All that snogging and frottage has never played any part in my life. I'm sure it would have been nice (!) but the seeming hegemony and feeling of inevitability that any remotely nubile folk will get involved in these behaviours just as a matter of course was not written with me in mind. Maybe it's just a fundamental lack of attractiveness (!!) . It's also maybe a lot to do with coming across as being tired of life or being reticent to get involved in the rich pageant therein. Anyway..no snogging for John Quays..ha ha...I get bogged down in these matters when I'm around younger folk or hip folk or hip younger folk and feel as if I'm vexed pretty bent. The music played last night was poor and I lost interest mainly because, even allowing for the general youthful hence personally uncomfortable vibes, my head was capable of thinking of nothing but TLK. So I went hame past the usual late night weekend end of civilisation carnage- piss, vomit and kebabs in queasy concert- and had a wee downer. The flat ws messy, freezing, dusty. It has never been a home and is a most unwelcoming place. I came home 'feeling up and feeling down and like I'm blown in on something I don't understand'. I was alone, too old, too fat, too shit. I sat in the dark suddenly deadly sober and sang 'X-French T-Shirt' out loud over and over again. It might have been an example o' yon catharsis that you read about but it didnae work...
posted by Jock Gumps at 6:05 PM
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