Is This A Cave-In?

1. Wednesday- incredibly busy day at work which ended in a rather heavy way. Went to a hospice to see a client who is dying of cancer. He's an interesting and likeable guy who's ,,quite frankly, had a shit life and I do find it hard not to get 'emotionally involved' or effected when I'm working with him. Spent a good bit of time there during which he displayed some of his delusional beliefs ie that people are talking about him and that his thoughts are being broadcast by radio/TV. The effect of seeing this torment coming from a dying man really hit me and I felt pretty screwed after that and as if I had been 'too professional' in not just breaking down in tears in front of him. More TLK stuff was brewing at this time (for once I won't bore you with it) and the effect was a little heady to say the least. Went home, bought the reddest indian takeaway I've ever seen and wished I was 'one mile high', just like the song (no it's not a ganja reference..)

2. Thur- Aye, for some reason I want to start with a mention o' The Moomins! Maybe I feel the need to long for some kinda mega-wispy idyll. Right now the mundane is not doing it for me. Maybe I should do a David Crosby and 'go upstairs and freebase for a couple of hours' or maybe I need to just go adrift in the city night like I've always wanted to. The act of 'going adrift' carries all sorts of romantic notions for me , none of which of course involve flop houses, Meths or being 'rolled' for all my worldly goods. It involves plenty of self pity and self-pitying drinking, observation as confirmation of the extent of my 'goddamned regret' and blind despair and a final 'triumphant' journey 'to the bridge' (I love metaffers that aren't metaffers but just sound like them eg the one coined after the infamous incident years ago when my pal Rab saw a pretty girl and told us that he 'dropped his roll' ie he was eating a roll at the time and dropped it when he saw her instead of anything more of the 'creamed my briefs' variety!! Magnificent. Talking of Rab I must tell you the one that ends in the punchline " he should have been promoted to general for that" sometime!!..anyway). I realised a while ago that I romanticise my own gloom, misery, despair etc as well as my almost constant 'suicidal ideation' (shit I just read that back. It even sounds as if I'm luxuriating in the moment...aargh..). I do genuinely accept that this ain't good. However, I suppose it's almost kinda belittling my crap and keeping it at a distance in a way which is maybe not a bad thing. Aye..Distancing is one thing but actually doing something re the causes of yer 'forlornness' can be and is a hell of a lot harder. I know the causes but I tend to distance and abstract them as well as force masel to not think about them or to go to great lengths to work around them instead o' tackling them. Aye this bout of crap has been inspired by a txt from TLK which I won't go into detail about but has really got me down. I know I'm looking into things but, in it's context, it's probably the most impersonal and detached thing I've ever read. I'm now back into the realms of 'she doesn't think anything of me/doesn't want to know me etc etc etc'...damaging, self loathy and rather inconsequential crap I know but...the txt medium does lend itsel to being clipped and brief and TLK's normally are both those things but this is more like it was written by a robot or is using one of those templates that you get on mobile phones (!) She might as well have said FUCK OFF. I've been here before and I swore I would never react like this again but I have and I'm here now and I have no idea at all what to do...