Last Call

Leaving aside the morass of my feelings re a Valentine's Day Massacre for a sec (even tho' I can't hear myself think for the rustle of La Senza underwear packaging city wide), today was a heavy day. Work things are frustrating and emotionally demanding, personal stuff seems to be if not in crisis then in a highly highly unsatisfactory state. The promised diet has never materialised. I've been hitting the takeaway outlets with a vengence of late. I'm still hiding from the debt situ too. Not really going all the way, or anywhere really, with it. Still using credit and living 'beyond my means'. Been stalling re going down the road to potential bankruptcy! It sounds like a hard road (thanks Bert) but one I probably need to take. I'm still allowing my feelings re TLK to govern so many aspects of my thinking. My initial thoughts on most areas of life are overwhelmingly negative ones. A situ which tends to make it hard for me to find perspective and clarity. I get torn to bits by feelings that I'm an outsider and am fundamentally different to others. I've been a poor friend to many and a poor human being to most at one time or another. I can feel a lot of the bad old ways creeping in.I internalise all the time. I talk to myself while outside(!). I build up huge seething walls of resentment and bitterness. I'm starting to feel again as if everything is doomed. I've seen it in things I've written on here where I've started out trying to be upbeat and open and ended up firing my usual blanks at anything. Shit man, I have to change. I still hate couples (tho' individuals within them are usually cool!) and couple ephemera tho'...