Hell

I apologise in advance for all this but I'm going to have my tuppence worth!! Fucking Valentine's Day. Every year I feel fucking crazy on this day. This year has been far far worse because of the recent discovery of my ability to have 'these kind' of feelings for another human being. Valentine's Day is an annual opportunity for couples to inflict legalised torture on the unattractive and non-nubile of the world. All day today I've seen shacked up financial services employees walking around with bouquets ranging from the ostentatious to the uninspired. Tonight I'm afraid to venture into the community as the terrible twosomes will be at large whispering their little confidences and thoughts about you at a volume just loud enough for you to hear. I am the big guy who sits in front of them at the pics, I am the singleton who sits on his own at a table with two chairs and gets in their way-they could be there bellowing their union and 'specialness' to the world etc etc. You see because I'm unloveable I am obviously cut off from society and normalcy- that's a given- but on this day I feel rather sorely exposed and as if I'm being highlighted as a threat to this very status quo. People meet other people, shag them, spend time with them, marry them, share their lives with them. The fact this has not and will not happen to me seems to have been pounced on today. Everywhere I go I've been thinking of folk's marital status- NEVER SINGLE, OF COURSE- and I've become consumed by this and resultant feelings of loneliness, despair, isolation (!) etc. I do want to meet someone and get to know them, do things with them, fall in love with them etc but I think I know now...somehow... that this ain't going to happen (particularly not with that kinda attitude, I hear you say!!...pah..). I wish I could be totally aloof and not want to be 'with' folk but sadly I wasn't programmed that way. I just have to endure/evolve/ withstand etc etc. To top all this off, TLK relations have reached a low. She has been distant all day- no hint of her talking as a friend, just as a fellow employee. I can't help but get freaked by her moods and this uncertainty as to 'what we are' and I probably show this at times by with you these responses from me just make her clam up even more (perhaps rightly so. It's hardly 'treating folk as I would like to be treated masel, I know that) and she tends to go VERY distant indeed. I can't blame her at times. I'm not coping with the situ very well. I feel freaked out on a daily basis and I don't know what I need to or want to say to her. When she's like this I don't want to talk to her about it either. Another factor I should mention (and imo a possible explanation for a 'change' in behaviour) is that I think she's possibly started seeing someone. Now this genuinely doesn't upset me. I know how I feel about her but I am not an asshole and I try to be her pal therefore if the dude is a good bloke and she's happy then I'm happy...honest...What I don't like is the inevitable change to the way she reacts to me that being coupled up brings. Every person I've been pally with who enters a relationshjip changes in some way when they 'meet' someone. The very status of yer friendship changes as the person spends less time with you but everyone I've known changes almost imperceptibly at least near the start of the relationship. Most folk tend to go oddly secretive and cloak and daggery as if they're guarding something or have suddenly become party to some top secret info that you simply couldn't comprehend. I've seen folk go curt and evasive and make you feel as if you're in their way. I've seen folk quite simply ignore you until the initial vibes die down. I always feel that I'm not quite as interesting or valued or fun or worthy as I was before the shagging started. I tend to end up feeling as if I'm impinging on the person's quality of life in some way by taking up time they could be spending in their wee reverie. It's happened with every pal I've had' to some extent. That's probably what's happening with her too. I have thought that maybe she may be bothered by my feelings for her and it's making her feel awkward re mentioning certain things and I really hope that isn't the case but when she's in this kinda frame of mind I'm not sure she even thinks of me at all!!..that's no exaggeration. I think she tries to give off the vibe that she's quite casual and doesn't dwell on things. It's maybe a defence mechanism against certain anxiety based demons but I don't know. That's the problem. I keep trying to work out how I feel about her. Do I just like a concept I have of her that's false and idealised or do I like the real thing? I still know how attracted I am to her but I do dislike some aspects of her character. That may be down to me projecting an idea of how I'd like her to be on to the real person so that I'm imagining her as some kinda construct. I don't know!!! All I know is how very very messed up I am by being around her and the uncertainty it brings. She continues to give off these mixed signals re our friendship and (Because I'm a stupid mofo) it is damaging my health. When she's like the way she's been lately I don't feel valued as a colleague by her either as she goes very curt and tries to be oddly autocratic in work matters. Shit man, this isn't much fun. I really do want her to be honest with me and tell me to fuck off or for her to start being a good deal more consistent....Fucking valentine's day...