Greg Blewett

If yer talking diary entry then I don't have much to say today. Another quite incredibly busy day at work. Non stop all day. My mind tended to wander somewhat tho'. Couldn't quite focus on very much. Thought about TLK of course and I suppose this is kinda tied together with it but I thought mostly about the notion of 'attractiveness'. Whatever 'attractiveness' is and it of course does mean different things to different folk, I clearly don't have it. Over the course of my lifetime I have only been aware of 2 people having 'fancied' me! Now I'm sure that many folk fancy others without letting on but I have trouble even contemplating sic a thing when it comes to this body, this face, this frame , this very 'soul' (!!!!...ha ha ha). 'Aye Kelly, you know, it's odd but I've got a real crush on the nervous, bald, behemoth over there'. Before you kick in wi' yer positivity aye I know I can do something about these things etc etc but I think for me there are big psychological factors at play which prevent me from loosening up and getting a clear head on this. I've never felt part of the process. This snogging and flirting thing is a foreign language and culture and the concept of 'pulling' someone is frankly absurd to me. I suppose I don't feel attractive but then again stags such as the ubiquitous Huey and the aforementioned Antwan The Swan maybe don't feel that crash hot either but it doesnae matter for them because they conform to a popular concept o' attractiveness. I have seen many vaguely buff arseholes go out with many women and it's made me cynical too. I don't know what some of you want! Outwardly you claim that personality is the biggest consideration...if he happens to look like a virile rutting rhino etc etc. I'm not sure there is a way in for me at all! I've never really felt any connection with a woman...maybe the odd half moment when I had hair and less blubber. This lack of something has made me dwell on what my sexuality may be. I kinda know that I like women and am no totally keen on blokes 'in that way' (that fucking phrase again!) but when I make initial 'advances' to a woman, this wave of something that is almost apathy tends to come in as I know that whatever I feel won't be reciprocated. TLK was different for me,I suppose. I knew right from the start she didn't fancy me but I was totally besotted with her from an early stage in a way I had never been with anyone else and my feelings were pretty strong so I didn't really have the apathy thing with her. Not that it did me any good! She is scuffed and world weary and strong and spiky and bright and complicated and complicated and complicated (!) as well as being a goddamned decent person if a pretty bruised and battered one. I know now that I probably will compare other folk I meet to her but seeing as all I'll ever do is meet them instead o getting to know them it doesn't really matter! Part of me has given up with romance/love/sex/ whatever. It just won't happen for me, I know that. I just wish I could stop feeling initially attracted to folk and/ or hadn't fallen in love for the only time in 34 years. Then it would be a lot more simple. I'm pretty certain this was brought on by the thoughts o' Valentine's day. That fuckin disgrace...another chance for the nubiles to gloat over you and for someone like me to feel extra humiliated if they dare to walk into a social setting on their own on Feb.14th. Dental torture? This is far worse. Want to get your enemies to confess? Ask them to go to a fillim in Edinburgh tomorrow night ON THEIR OWN and then ask them how they feel after 5 minutes. They won't be able to offer any resistence.

2) A wee housekeeping moment. I feel I should explain a coupla things. I've notice that I tend to use ' ' rather than the correct " " when I quote folk. This is kinda deliberate. I love the use of thae dreaded ' '. They seem to be able to totally undermine the meaning of any thing you intend to convey. Examples I've seem at my workplaces in the past include "S mentioned that his plug socket was 'sparking' "!!!..." P kept annoying the rest of the house by 'niggly' comments" and my pesonal favourite " D displayed a large amount of 'excessive' behaviour" !!! How can anyone behave excessively or even 'excessively'?!! Most things that folk tend to say, especially when they're written down and often taken out of context don't really convey what they mean to say or what they're thinking. I suppose by doing ' ' rather than " " I'm enjoying/employing the ability to turn everything in to a euphemism rather than a verbatim record. This just seems a wee bit more honest eg TLK said, 'I love you' means more to me than TLK said "I love you" Does that make any sense?? maybe not...drop me a line and I'll try and explain it all. I'll tell you things you'll never forget. I also dislike the idea of anything I come up with 'scanning' or following rules of how you're supposed to write. I don't write poetry, just doodles and I'm not wanting to write perfectly composed palimpsests/ novellas etc. I write what I can in the only way I can. I don't edit. It comes out as naturally ( that's always a controversial phrase but for me it just means unforced and unplanned) as I can make it. I know that the stuff I write off the cuff means a hell of a lot more to me than anything I've sat and laboured over for a long time. I've always struggled to 'compose' stuff. I have to just blurt it out and then try to make it semi- legible with spelling that is almost proper and a wee bit o' adherence to convention! but as for grammar and coherence!..I don't think so...