Did Darlinda Ken The Reels?

...so Friday then... I would have to describe Friday as a McLuckie 'curate's egg'. The paranoia was raging from early in the day. Things seemed to get less absurd later on. I was glad. One thing re not doing daily blog posts is that you lose track o' certain things you might have done at a particular time on that day. From what I mind re the first part o' Fri this is no bad thing. I think I did ma share o' internal flapping. Another thing I did and that I just shouldn't do at this time is look at my bank account. In yet another act of total folly of course I did. I couldn't get it away from it. It was 4 days after pay day. I was 'almost' skint. I might as well have been. I might as well have not been paid. These were horrid feelings. I'm going to need to borrow some cash from somewhere for the rest o' the month or for the rest o' ma life. Borrowing from individuals is nowhere near as appealing as borrowing from institutions. I do have a conscience you know. How have I got in this shit?... Anyway anyway I think I was in the land o' the interweb for a good while. After that I met KB and went to see SM play heavy metal! Aye, Under Thorns were playing at The Canonsgait in the nether reaches o' The Royal Mile. While I was waiting for KB I was standing in Hunter Square just up the road from one of the main TLK haunts in that part o' town. I looked down the road. It was her! Ma stomach nearly emerged oot ma mooth. She walked closer. It wasn't her. Just a good lookalike, whoever she was. Similar clothes. The same look, tho not quite of course. Jeez. Fuck man. Why am I still caught up in all this??? I'm feared to bump into her on the street. The thought of it causes me a load o' stress. This is like what's supposed to happen to you when yer 15. The difference being of course that that never happened to me. I've never been sufficently attracted to someone or 'in love' with them. Given ma past too there's no way I could possibly bump into an ex either cause I don't have any! It feels rather inhuman and 'unnatural' going through these vibes at 35 but I've began to take them for granted when it comes to 'love' or owt like that. Dwelling on it makes me feel like I have no 'life skills' at all and in this particular sense that's probably a correct assumption. So, the gig was in an odd wee 'cellar bar' downstairs. It was a most poky pliss. To paraphrase ma mother it was 'right Leven'. I thought I was back in The Hunting Lodge circa 1991. Loads of crust and some stripey tights too. It felt like some of these folk had been in hibernation since then. The headliners were full on crust apparently. There were some very smelly guys in the room right enough. I didn't stay to see them. I thought of the infamous CH story re a crusty lass and a drinkng fountain. I thought it best to leave promptly.The first band on were frae Poland. They all looked ascetic and uptight. Andrew Golota appeared to be playing the drums. They were thumpy thumpy in a nice way. UT were great I thought despite the scree and mud that constituted the 'live sound' in the pliss. I reckon they will 'entertain' (in the best possible way) a fair number of you in the forthcoming while. While there I met a few faces frae Kdy I'd not seen in some time. Guid folk all. I keep having this desire to 'immortalise' (ha! That's very arrogant) people I know in some grand form...I can see it now...here are 2 'briefs' to the grand premiere at The Lochgelly Theatre of 'My Year Of Alcohol With TLK' written and directed by Mcluckie and starring 'the people'. Part of me wants to try. Other parts have already told me that it would be 'too difficult'. I'm no Mike Leigh or even Mike Yarwood that's for certain...anyway, enough of this madness...seeing as I'm getting old now ma ears were stinging towards the end of the night. I simpered up the road. CH phoned en route frae Glasgow. I met him off the bus. We talked and went to the legendary Favorit at 12.30 AM or so. In Fife there is no such thing as 'a civilised place' where you can go after midnight. In the big shitty it seems you can sip tea in 'non-threatening' environments at any time of the day. I managed to resist fattening foods (sit- in food at 1 AM in the morning! There are indeed many many things I love re the city. It feels surreal to be party to all this. I dig being able to 'fill the endless night' in this way. It feels like I've 'arrived') and bathed in late night civilisation. It was pretty balmy. A nice fillip tae finish the day, I guess.. Well on Sat I met KB. Mood was up and down at first but talking was good. Perspective was supplied. I went to KB with the 'feelings of doom' I've had lately. He managed to snap me out of most of them. How did he manage that? These feelings were well ingrained. Being forthright helped. I must learn from that. We walked around in the brewery smell just like I dreamt about doing most days frae the age o' 16. The weather was great. After a while everyone I saw started to look like TLK. It's true. Ginger hair and frickles had become the norm. I got happier. I thought about her as I walked. Switch off now cause this'll sound bad but I thought of how she smells! Could somebody else call the coppers please? I'm not going to make it worse by describing her smell. I'll let you guess. I'm feeling way sheepish. To recap...Last week after she'd left the office, by mistake I picked up a bottle of water that was hers. It was TLK right there. I found it intoxicating. Her smell was everywhere in the room. She'd been away for some time. I doubted my sanity at the time. I told KB about it. He put on his scientist hat. He said that one of the main factors in attraction is the way we smell, our scent. I felt guilty about it. Seedy. I thought of poor Timothy Treadwell and his bears. I should have listened more to my uncle KB. We are indeed apes after all. I tried to keep these images out of ma mind. We went to 'vegetarian restaurant', aye the one in the song. I'm taking 'it' back from the shaggy ones, you see. I tried not to eat too much and I didn't really. The diet's still going well. I'm under 19 stone now which is a breakthrough or something that feels akin to it. I've managed to get away from scoffing too much at nights. That must have just killed me in the past. I would go and gorge on cheese and onion pasties AND crisps AND anything else I could get ma hands on. I'm managing to hold this at bay so far. Then I started to dread work the morn. It would be miserable, I knew it. Why do I have to go back on a Sunday??! The 'positives' were not there. That was my fault. To get over these lulls I put ma back into it and I 'pulled ma socks up' as it were. Tried to get a smile forced onto my face. I met up with CH, SJ and Idles and others at D's leaving do. Sometimes in a large group I know I'll start to feel the old 'endless night' come in. It didn't. I felt happy. I enjoyed the company. I was positive, in my own fashion. CH seemed down. I tried to keep him up. I was probably just a pain in the neck. I started thinking about going to The Green Man fest in August. I was obsessed. I really want to go. Fucking debt and poverty. That won't stop me. CH wanted to go too. I tried to contrive a way to pay for tickets TODAY. It wasn't happening. I hate being skint with a' ma being. I still try to 'deny any responsibility' for getting into that state tho'. Somehow I didn't dip. I stayed happy! I was sad to see D go tho'. She's one o' thae 'honest ray o' sunshine' folk. Reliably bright and happy. I do like that a great deal you know despite murmerings to the contrary. I walked up the road wi' SJ. I was still happy. We talked about going to the May Day Beltane Fires thing the morns night. It didn't seem like 'my thing'. The idea of me running naked round fires wi' willowy students jumping aboot in the vicinity is not within ma ken. To push me away from the wispy I saw some late night carnage on the way back. I had the night before too now that I think of it. Beatings. Wall to wall pissing. It was Fountainbridge at night in full effect. I hate this area. At the same time I felt like I was missing out on 'something'. Answers on a postcard. As soon as I got 'hame' 'she' was back on ma mind..same old same old...Sunday I was back tae work right enough. I hate going back on a Sunday. It seems to be against the natural 'scheme' of things. I end up thinking re the normal folk of the world with their Sunday shags and expeditions to windswept places while I'm 'here'...etc etc. I lose ma mind so easily it seems. More and more admin stuff was going down at work. It felt like drudge writ large. Ravenous all day. Not that I gave in. I had an extra Cup-A- Soup and got on with it. Work was slower than slow. When I left I was lost. Dip in mood. Uncertain. Nae money. I wanted to go and see Odetta at The Queens Hall. Didn't want to pay the 16 brick therein. Noticed at the last minute that it was sold oot. I was relieved. I counted ma money and fretted. Wondered how I would survive on ma forthcoming holiday week if naebody gies me ticket money when I arrive. I'm going down to 2 ATP festivals this month. When I had a lot of the bank's money I got extravagant and booked chalets for them both. Naebody's going with me to the first one. I'm going to be as 'on ma ain' as can be. I'm selling the 3 tickets to folk I don't know. I'm feared that I might not get the money for them all. The arrangement is that I'm meeting the 3 folk outside the pliss and exchanging wristbands etc there. I have bad vibes re one of the folk. I've got some following up to do with this. I need that money or I'm going to be penniless on the south coast for a week. I feel nervy about it. Yet mair examples of thae chickens coming home to roost for Mcluckie I guess. I'm looking forward to going away but I know I'm going to have at least some feelings of skintness. I don't like that. For a lifelong poor person I have 'spoilt brat' tendencies re cash. I come over all 'England Is Mine, It Owes Me A Living'. To block it oot I did ma usual and went to the Cameo for a fillim. The lovely knitting lass was there. She looked amazing. She was wearing the cuddliest sweater I've ever seen. In another moment from 'normal' adolescence I decided that it even defeated the red one TLK has. (that's very sad isn't it?) The stud thing isn't in her nose after all. Its in her lip instead. I like it. I got quite excited seeing her. I even tried to go all Tracy Cox and make 'eye contact'. Somehow I avoided arrest. There are times in ma life when I wish I had an element of balls but I can't help think that lasses are going to call the police whenever I speak to them. I must get over that...or of course maybe its the truth... The head was full of the knitter. She's great. I am officially 'out of her league'. I mused on areas that I often went to in the early days of TLK ie why does the human body not have a cut off valve for yer feelings when it realises that you're extremely infatuated/ in love with/ enamored of folk who clearly/ most likely don't reciprocate this. The valve in me would be overworked. The fillim was 'Paradise Now'. It was certainly 'gripping' and made its point in economical fashion, something I like. It lead me to 'expect' a bit more at the end but I suppose it all made sense. It got muddled in the middle and a bit of plot 'exposition' was omitted for reasons unclear. This made 'one' expect a 'twist' to come into play. It didn't and I lost the thread somewhere. The normality o' most o' the terrorists was very well portrayed tho' and the 2 lead guys were pretty good, particularly the Kevin Rowland one. It's structured like a thriller which in this case works a great deal as you feel you're being drawn on and on towards the inevitable tragedy. It's well worth seeing. Most of the political argument and debate is a bit above ma heid, I'm afraid. There are corners o' the Interweb which cover the arguments therein awfy well. I liked it as a human story. That's ma kinda level. Aye a very good and a very human story then. I bet Bradshaw's quaking in his boots. Peter not Ian. I walked home in the now pissing rain. Minded the Beltane Fires thing was going on. Thought about them all getting doused up Calton Hill. Thought about posh folk painted green and with horns stuck on their heids. I thought about fun and happy revels. I wanted to be involved in them. I've always want to be involved in that. The other half of ma brain tels me it's all impossible for me to ever take part. It's done this for 35 years. It's still winning. Acht Monday. I'm not going to dwell on this for long. It was somewhat shite at work. The boss was playing silly buggers again. The work itself was tedious and uninvolving. It looks like getting busy busy before the end of the week. I couldn't be bothered with it all. My demeanour in the office probably sucked. I didn't feel massively concerned. When I got hame the hunger pangs were back. I had an extra 'low fat' veggie burger. I had some more fruit. Eventually I got out the hoose to try to quell the cravings. I think it worked. I walked to Saughton Park and back and then ate 2 Weetabix wi' a banana. I was sated and not too bloated. I didn't know what to do last night. I was on call so couldn't do much. Ended up watching snooker and thinking of £ and all the credit cards in the world sitting out there waiting for me. I was a bona fide 'crumpled man' in a bed sit with a' thae broken dreams that I'm 'supposed' to have. I appreciated the melodramatics of the situation. The awareness of them helped me to feel better. Had a chat wi' CT on the MSN. I miss the guy a gret deal. He's a true pragmatist. Like I told you before he's probably the brightest person I've ever met. These factors tend to ensure he gives you good measured advice. Tonight was no exception. Mair 'perspective' re TLK. I need all that I can muster. When I think o' CT I think aboot ma days of 'activism' a lot, of fly posting in Kdy High Street in the middle of the night and of getting busted for said 'fly posting'. We were doing things for 'the cause'. It was kinda exhilarating. One day I'll tell you the true reason why I gave it all up. You'll get a good laugh. So today. The day started with emails re twa comments on here frae one 'Mummy Caesar'. He didn't have a blog so I knew it was either spam or a gripe. It was the latter. He took exception re my go at the horrid 'Germlin'. I found it all rather heady. I thought about ma reply for most of the day. Work was a grind once again. TLK was in today. Fucking hell. She looks nicer every day I see her. I can't stress that enough. When I was talking to her I said "good lord" mid sentence a coupla times because that was all I could say. I have not met anyone like her. The way I feel when I see her is unlike any way I've felt before. I'm still stunned when I'm around her. Shit there's no way that can sound anything other than 'sleazy' coming from me. That's not the intention. She was in an almost eerily good mood. Manic in fact. This made me a mite uneasy. She was so so happy but still did the dead bat thing. We spoke about diets. She said 'the weight's dropping off you'. I do not possess the powers of description to represent how she said it but she took something that would normally be intoned in a light colloquial friendly manner and flatlined it in a monotone with a hint of the sermon. There was nothing of the personal whatsoever in there. I mean I thought she was talking about 'my' weight, maybe she was talking re what happens when folk diet. She never ceases to astound me does TLK. It was almost impossible to 'take' what she said. What did she mean? The 'friend/colleague' filter inside her had ovbviously just been switched on. Any semblence of warmth had been axed for the sake of not 'giving the wrong impression'. I was gone. I found her barrage of sunshine at all other times patronising and glib. I was annoyed at her. DROP THESE FRONTS AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Mcluckie is Big Hypocrite. I went 'intae masel'. I couldn't stand being at work. I needed to get away from her. I sat all the way through another fucking team meeting. The boss was horrid. Being in the same room as TLK was driving me insane. I started the silent thing again. AM, CH, CT and KB all came into ma head. I shouldn't be doing this., They told me that and they are of course so right. I did it for a bit anyway. I felt 'off the boil'. She ploughed on regardless with the floucy positivity. I felt miserable when she spoke re the great time she'd had at the weekend. She'd been to the Beltane thing. I was alternately glad and annoyed I didn't go. I couldn't stand not being with her or being with her . I went into the kitchen away from them all and put ma head on the bunker for a while. It didn't help. I left early on reasons of impending breakdown and lightened the mood not a jot by going to arrange for yet another bank account to be started up. This was the one for the trust deed thing. I was reading about it last night. It seems like I can't fuck around with it. Lots of talk of how I could be 'sequestered' if I step out of line. The bank virtually offered me an overdaft facility straight away. I forced and forced and forced masel to turn it down. I might be breaking the law if I take on any more credit! There are times in life when you feel small. This was one of them. The clerk at the bank was an odd bumbly man who looked like John Prescott. It warmed me a little to feel the welcome absurdity flooding intae ma brain. Before that I couldn't recall anything other than ma ain ruin and TLK. At last thinks to the big shagging Labour grandee a wee light came in. It's went oot and came back on again since then. I've been at the home of Stelios for some time now. It's no a welcoming place. I nearly went to see the metal fillim at The Cameo or more correctly to see if the other 'she' is working there tonight. I couldn't make it. Been amending this post like it's ma life's work. I have a fucked self image. Part of me thinks I'm hot shit. I'm not happy with it. The post or the self image. It's shoddy. I'm hungry. I had a panini thing for ma tea. It was probably a million cals. I'm eating nothing else today. I've had very little all day. That's maybe helped my mood to dip. I feel strange. Caught oot and trapped. Not sure what to do next. At times I have the feeling underneath that it's like it's maybe no quite as bad but then I start to think that maybe it is. I'm as simple as that. My thoughts are conveyor belty. I'm coming oot wi' meaningless metaffers for 'feelin' up and feelin' down' now. It's time to go....

Aroma Of Gina Arnold

Strange as it might seem...and it appeared quite odd to me...I think I had a 'settled' coupla days on Sun & Mon. Bizarre. Sunday passed so quickly. I woke up. Didn't eat any junk food. None at all. Hardly ate anything all day in fact. I could feel the pounds peeling off. It's a weird weird one. I like it. Spent all day at the work doing the admin task I mentioned the other day. It literally took forever- 15 pages worth. I kept at it. I left the work at 9.15 pm when I was suppposed to finish at 7. My mind felt rested and clear. The weather helped big time. Balmyness has always been ma vibe. I sat in the office all day with the window open and the fan going and kept plugging away wi' the drudge. The feeling when I got it finished was quite something. TLK had phoned earlier. She was on great form. We spoke for a while. I was worried by summat at work/pissed off wi' something the boss had done. TLK is always keen to talk re work probs and so she did..at some length. I enjoy having easy conversation with her. The state of ma heid of late has helped to make things awfy stilted between us. TLK always uses the deadest of dead bats so she would never comment on it but I've been an erse wi' her. She knows it too but she doesn't provide comment on such things (Does that still annoy me?? Aye it does but it's clearly something I just have to put up with. There is nothing more to it than that) Anyway, I felt at ease while talking to her. She's a very good 'conversationalist'. The boss had left a 'see me' note. I panicked for 5 minutes but it didn't really matter. I realised that panic can fade after all! I must remember that. I felt good all day. Monday seemed like more of the same...but with more TLK. There are times when it astounds me how attracted to her I still am. Today was one of those days. She was scuffed looking, tousled. I'd been summoned to see the boss before she arrived. As usual it was a nothing that had been 'formalised' and blown up into an anxiety provoking 'something'. When she got in she was interested in how it went. We went outside and chatted about it. We used to do this all the time 'in the old days'. We sat in the sunshine or more correctly leant against the bannister oot the back, just above her rusty old bike which, I believe, has sat there for 2 years. I noticed the furrows on her brow. They were deep and pronounced. They looked like the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. She was bleary eyed. Hungover. Flushed. Being there with her felt like I was in another cinematic moment. She does that to me. There is 'something' about her, about the way she looks, that I'll never be able to convey correctly to anyone. I would like to keep trying but it probably doesn't do me that much good to do so...perhaps later... I thought about her all day. I know I've described this to you many times but on Mon it didn't seem like a negative thing to be doing at all. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't...hell... Didn't know what to do after work. For all that it mattered it was pay day. Shit man, I know there are folk far worse off than me in terms o' monthly wage but £1032 for what I know to be usually a months hard work in one way or another is not really what I would call a 'rewarding' or 'fair' wage by todays standards. Add to that the totally draconian attitude towards paid overtime or double time on public holidays or anything like that and I want to name and shame, I really do. Also I would be surprised if the many 'suits' employed by the Association were skint after a day or two, and that really hurts. I owed ma mum money so wi' these thoughts on ma mind I dragged masel through tae Fife. It seems an ddd thing to say but for a long time I would never visit mother on a Monday as she tends to have 1 or 2 of her pals visiting. It's a horrid scene. They take over the house completely. A card table gets plonked in the middle of the room. They used to play Yahtzee but now it's some numbers 'only available from Admail 77' gash called Rummikub. They play loudly with constant running commentary. The manner of conversation is not relaxed. It's OTT. Forced. Unreal. Surreal too. The sound and 'the knockon effects' to me of 3 60-something women shouting 'Yahtzee' on a freezing Monday afternoon while I was 'going insane' in my bedroom in a shit town is not something I ever want to relive. Anyway, my folks have never done anything together. My dad sits and sleeps in his chair in the living room when he's in. Mum sits edgily in the kitchen and reads or knits. When somebody wants to watch TV there is always a big hoo-hah about it. For one of the kindest people alive mother has an odd side to her whereby she can get very 'niggly' with certain triggers. One of them is noise. She can't stand having the telly up at audible level. Whenever father turns it up so he can hear it you can see her look across and an air of tension takes hold. The volume eventually goes down after a 'heated exchange'. If it goes up again a little bit because somebody can't hear it mother will normally leave the room saying that she can't sit there with that 'screaming' going on. You'll often see mother put the telly on and sit and stare at it with the sound off. She'll pass comment (negatively) on whats going on and inquire with you what's happening. I'll say to her 'do you want the sound on'? 'Matter of factly she'll reply, 'no its ok'. This irritates me. So why did you put it on? Seemingly just to make comments as to how this or that looks 'weird'. As I've mentioned before mother dislikes most things, normally in a kneejerk fashion. If you think I'm a negative bastard, I'm sorry but there's no doubting where I got the instinct from. Of course it's up to me to change 'my ways'. It seems at times that there are certain things that get so ingrained into you it becomes almost impossible to stop them. Defeatism is in ma 'genes' too...natch...Dad doesn't really have any friends as such so whenever mum's pals visit things get very territorial. They're not used to the 'disturbance' caused by visitors to the living room. Normally mums other pals stay in the kitchen while father crashes out in comfort. In recent years it has been decided that mum's pastime playing pals visit on Mondays so dad normally has to get out of the way. This is a rare concession from him. Again her pals are nice folk but they get a little 'too much' to take on board at one time. One of them comunicates exclusively in cackles. It's very disconcerting. You don't get the feeling she ever listens to you. She affects mother too. Mum starts acting like her. Everythings a massive to-do. Whatever you say gets scrutinised and has negative vibes applied to it. Mother is not a confident person. She gets totally intimidated by other folk. She can genuinely NEVER be 'herself'. Seeing her act differently to how she is when she's on her own with you is an experience I will always find totally deflating. Mainly because I'm like that too. Her other pal is nicer. She's a 'nice wee wife' (a knowledge of the Fife dialect is probably required to fully appreciate the meaning of that) frae Ballingry. Nowhere near as judgemental as the cackler. She does listen to you a wee bit and mum tends to be far more relaxed when the 'wee wife' is there and the cackler ain't. This doesn't happen very often. Anyway...I went headlong into this scene. I gave mother her money and I just wanted to go. The cackler left so I stayed a bit longer. Mother gets older every time I see her. It scares me a little. For the last few years she's had one health problem after another. They don't show much sign of slowing down. She wasn't right on Monday. We talked for a while. Her anxieties get worse when she's physically unwell. She was wound up. I tried to help her by listening. I'm not sure it worked. I left feeling down. I'm worried about her. For the most part she drives me nuts but I still love her. She loves me. That's a nice thing to know.
Tuesday was worthy for two things only. I was on a late shift. I was in the shower at 9.15 when the phone went. I let it ring. I checked it when I got back to the 'living area' in the s-h. It was TLK. She'd left a message. It turned out to be 4 or so minutes of mixed wooshing and distortion. It was the sound of TLK going to work. It was an oddly riveting thing to listen to. It had come from her phone but it could have been anyone at all. A random combination o' buttons being pressed on an unlocked phone. I pondered re why out of a' the folk on her phone it had rang me. What did it 'mean'? My number was saved in her phone. Somehow me being me I was bouyed by this. She hadn't deleted me. I managed to turn it round a tad later and it dawned on me that this was just the latest example of me being unable to 'get over her' and it was not 'wholly positive' after all...mmm...the usual team meeting took place later. I hate these things. I was hating this one too. I got pissed off at something and cracked a sarky joke. She laughed. I turned around. She was beaming straight at me. I've mentioned this before but when she gives you a genuine smile or she laughs then her eyes glisten and her whole face erupts in what looks like the essence of pure happiness. It's an incredible sight. There's something totally 'natural' about it. I don't think it'll be possible for me to ever forget this sight...so there... Wed I woke up wi' a lot of feelings o' paranoia. They were on me right away. I lay there in the 'living area'. I thought about the trust deed thing. I thought about the scrutiny that would come from it. I was sure something would go wrong. The TOT came back. It raced away in front of me. I could work out what was going to happen. I could see the road to ruin. I couldn't face it. It wouldn't go away. I didn't want to go anywhere. I thought if I stayed in bed it would eventually go away. It didn't. I thought it was best to go to the work. It ended up hanging around all day and it's not went away yet. I could see every negative thing that could happen in the future. I piled up all the pieces of circumstance or chance that could affect the way my future turns out. They were all bad. I couldn't shake it off. I've ended up doing what I usually do when I have the TOT. I tough it out. There is no 'coping strategy' that significantly helps. I just have to drown out the thoughts and force masel to ignore them. There's no other option. I can't remember much about Wednesday apart from that. I could give you more TLK but I'll hold that for the moment. I'll give you an update on the diet. It's going very very well so far. It looks like I may have lost something approaching a stone in the last 2 weeks! I feel lighter already. I've been quite full on with it. Not sure where I've found the 'willpower' from but I've not had anything particularly fatty for nigh on a week now. For a few days I lived on nothing more than cup a soups and apples. I've been walking everywhere and getting a good bit of exercise. I feel hungry at times and I've felt a bit tired over the last coupla days. This has made me cut back on the exercise front but I've still managed to get in a good bit more than I used to. I'm really trying. I'm fed up being fat. Most of ma pairs of trousers seem to be falling down. I think I'm doing ok on the diet front. On Wed I stayed behind at the work again, this time to make amendments to the admin thing as requested by our glorious leader. Part of me quite likes all the paper chase stuff. I get into it a fair bit. Not sure I 'enjoy' it as such but I feel oddly compelled to finish it. I lack motivation to finish most other tasks at work or in life- ha. Why 'clerical tasks appeal to me, I'm not sure...make of that what you will. 'Office tasks' and paranoia are not that nice a combo. I had them at large on Wed night. I don't recommend it....on that note...Thur...
It was still there. I could feel it. The endless ruminating over shit.I pictured the worst happening. It was horrible. There was a particular reason for it. Maybe one day I'll share it with you. I don't think I can right now. I felt somewhat weighed down by all of these internals. Not unusual for me. Part of me seems able to function through it. That's something, I guess. I sleepwalked through work. I got a bit o' cheer re the absence of freezing cold biting winds. I thought they would never go away but maybe they have. It is indeed a miracle. A nice bit o' warmth is never a bad thing. Thursday night I met CH and D at the Mosque again. I love this place. It's rustic alright. It's frequently overrun by pigeons and whenever a few of them appear a guy comes out the kitchen and bangs a big stick off the walls. This keeps them at bay for all of 5 minutes. Lovely nosh tho'...for £3. Magnificent. D is a pal of CH's who I got to know through music circles. She's a lovely person. Very droll. Bright. Nothing much seems to get to her. She's a positive person. I often forget what that means as well as how nice it is to be around one of them. D's heading down south soon. This is a real shimm. She will be missed. Later on we went to see Silver Jews at the Bongo Club. The SJ's are possibly the most legendary of US undergroundy bands. They are effectively the work of poet/singer/ guru etc etc David Berman. This guy has been adopted as an uber figure by most members of the (Glaswegian) indie fraternity . He hadn't done any live shows til earlier this year despite being 'a legend' since time began. Acht, I didnae enjoy them at all. Probably my fault really...or a misunderstanding at least. I remember hearing 'The Arizona Record' years and years ago. It was the lowest of lo-fi. I liked it a great deal. I wanted a bit of introspection and despair but it turned out that I got showy 'eccentric' wordplay backed by the sound of indie rock instead. I didn't want to hear that. The band as well as being 'indie sounding' just provide 'too much' in the way of noise and interference and clutter complete with 3 guitars. You couldn't really hear what the shaman was saying. He was buried in needless scree. The sound guy appeared to be Steve West who used to be the drummer of Pavement and his approach was to crank 'awhong' up to the max. This may have been fun but it wasn't 'appropriate' imo. Everything they did sounded the same. No really. It was awfy safe too. Catchy enough. Straight enough. Not much in the way of grit and stickyness. Maybe if Berman had played on his own you would have got mair of an idea what he was about but on this showing he came across like a vaguely Catweazley 30/40 something who sounded even more like Lou Reed than Stephen Malkmus does/a wee bit like Neil Diamond on a bad night. Maybe a true understanding of their oeuvre would have helped but I was just lost. They went down a storm but they'll go down far better in Glasgow obviously. Alasdair 'Ali' Roberts was excellent however. I last saw him playing live years ago. Then he seemed hamstrung by a peculiar hangup on Will Oldham. It got into his voice, his songs, it was everywhere. Now he's found his own voice and it shows. He comes across like a bona fide wandering folk minstrel now, all beguiling tales and mysterious turns o' phrase. His voice is way way stronger. It manages to tell his stories with some light and shade. His music is strangely intoxicating. His guitar playing has come on many country miles too. He comes up with spidery, wandering lines to go with his broken melodies. He looks like he's not had a good meal in some years. He seems all the better for it. Later, I couldn't summon up any enthusiasm for the SJ's. I hope I never got anyone down while we were ootside. They'd all had a great time. Shit, I can be an arsehole...sorry...Today's been a bit odd. Feel awfy drained. Just looked at ma bank balance too. I can't stand being skint. I could when I was on the dole but when I'm working I somehow don't expect to be struggling. I resent it. That's where all the credit card shit came into play. I'm hoping to get a few extra shifts wi' the agency I applied to last week. My disclosure came back at the start of the week. There was nowt on it as there wouldn't be of course, but I feel a bit freaked that they haven't contacted me yet. Maybe they've 'discovered' something I don't know about. That's one of the things that's been going through ma mind. Relentless paranoia about 'exaggerated' situations and scenarios. Never let yersels get into this state kids ok. Today I went and arranged to start up ANOTHER bank account prior to the trust deed thing happening. I've got an appt for that next week. I feel really panicky about it...fuck...so I'm in the land of the interweb. the couple who talk to each other like 'domestic tabbys' are back. I'm not a great fan of ridiculous ways of speaking! Maybe they actually talk like that. 'Jack Daw' is belting it out once again next door. He's goin' all Jim Diamond on yo' ass. By the sounds of it all the post-work crowd are going ber-serk. While I listen to it it's dawned on me that I have a feeling like something awful is about to happen. That's the honest truth. I look around me and see folk going aboot their day to day stuff and laughing and joking. I can't relate to that. It confuses me why they would be like that. I'm back into the social pariah mode I've felt masel to be in so many times. It would take me a long time to spell out to you why I feel like this. Maybe I will one day...or then again maybe not...ha...At least I'm thinner...

Martin Beavis Worked For The Cooncil

So Friday I wandered aboot for a good while. I was looking for some o' Bert's 'cold- blooded clarity'. I ended up searching in Hollyrood Park. As a wee aside, I discovered that you can't take the Kirkcaldy out of the man. Before I wrote 'Holyrood' just now I had the word 'Ravenscraig' in there almost automatically. That's the name of the less popular but undoubtedly nicer of the 2 public parks in Kirkcaldy. Oops. I thought of climbing up the old Crags but looked at my papery Shoezone shoes and surmised that I would most likely require an airlift sometime later if I went up there today or maybe I was just being a lazy bam. I thought better of it and circled the wee loch for a while. There were millions and millions of swans there. A laddie of 4 or so shouted oot "dinnae go near them. You'll get that bird flu". Aye the Daily Record has done it's work alright. I sat at the waterside. Good vibes came in. The sun started to get warmer. It was nice. Even the presence of a number of couples strolling hand in hand couldn't get me down. I thought of the story AM told me the other night re the time David Quantick got stuck up Arthur's Seat and required an airlift to get him down. I thought of the day I climbed one o' the Lomond Hills wi' the KB family. I even thought of non-negative TLK memories, in particular the day she beamed at me inexplicably in the kitchen at the work. I've never seen anything quite like that- and I probably won't see anything like that again but I didn't dwell on that aspect of it at all. I thought of the day I met Laura Ballance. She beamed at me too. That was also great. I minded the unique feeling I get from sitting and watching a gemme o' cricket. I recalled the time on the only family holiday I had (9 ah wiz) when I couldn't stop giggling as my dad kept referring to there being 'a vile smile' afoot. I thought HAPPY THINGS. Here comes the glibness again but I truly did have a physical sensation of happiness for the first time in so long. I was about to say 'a year' but I thought that would have sounded too keech and too TLK-centric. In this mode I headed up to meet CH and Idles. Idles is a true original. I would love to describe her to you..and let me assure you I have tried. Quite simply I can't do her justice. I'll keep trying because she's worth hearing about. Idles went off to do 'girly' things. Her phrase and not mine of course. I had a guid chat wi' CH. He was doon. I tried to do what I could. He didn't tell me to getafuyabassa which was hopefully a good sign. If CH hadnae been in the city over the last year then I probably would have given up 'totally' instead of 'just a bit'. He's a great man and he deserves some guidness to come his way. I want a great deal of that for him. We visited the Rowley approved Elephant Hoose up on George IV Bridge. This is a fine fine pliss especially now that the non-smokers aren't just squeezed into the 2 or 3 tables at the front. A rosy cheeked Olivia Williams lookalike was working there. My mood lifted further. We then took a gamboll oot intae the sunshine. The weather was magnificent. We headed through The Meadows. I felt like I was living in the city, like I had arrived. If I was in Kinghorn right now I would only be 'stuck to my couch back east depressed'. The contrast today stunned me. I felt thin and fit. Even if I wasn't really that thin it didn't matter. Goodness abounded. A willowy lass sat up in a tree while her 'buff' man huffed and puffed underneath generally struggling to scale it. He eventually had to get somebody to give him a leg up! Once he was up there he tried to go higher and higher to 'redress the balance' wi' his missus. She sat there impassively. Magnificent. Come to The Meadows and watch...The Battle Of The Sexes AS WELL AS The Class Struggle. I loved this. EVEN THE VIRILL FAIL. This was indeed the cold blooded clarity I was looking for. You definately wouldn't see this in Kirkcaldy either. Over there it's only wee bastards who climb trees, not 'comfortable couples' and they don't do it for reasons of athletic endeavour they do it to 'chorr' stuff or as a pliss to throw things from. Yet more big city bona fidery. Fantastic. While we were sitting there I got the courage up to txt TLK. I just kept it to the very very basics. I got CH to vet it for me. She replied a short while later. It was a nice reply. I gave masel an eyeopener afterwards. I felt wholly positive at first then I started in with my usual shit. I thought of her closing line. It said " see you Monday!". Before I knew it I was ranting to CH along the lines of " You see man, there you go. That's another example of how she tries to point out that it's a colleague only thing now. She's pointing out there that under no circumstances will I be up for going for a pint with you...just in case you were testing the waters wi' that txt" or crap to that effect. I soon realised I was spouting insanity. I forced masel to file it away purely as something I can learn from. The realisation that I've been doing this kinda thing for some time hit me. Leaving insanity aside she is very good at effectively setting 'boundaries' on things while not addressing them directly. I know that but it's me that's thinking all the time re meeting up with her and the mechanics of that simply because I want that. She's not thinking in the same arc at all. I keep making out that she's trying to point things out to me, trying to hint at stuff. I mean maybe she is on occasion but then again I'm sitting there analysing every contact we have and looking out for all this. By nature humans find it difficult to communicate with each other. She can't or doesn't say things directly? Well really in this context it shoudn't matter. I still wish she did because we are very different people and it generally makes getting along wi' folk easier if you know where you stand. Of course this ain't gonna happen with most folk. I have to accept that. I have a lot of improvements of my own to make when it comes to communication too. I'm not always that honest either and it ends up causing me a lot of pain and a' that. The time I've wasted recently in getting wound up and blaming TLK for ma problems could have been spent elsewhere. That's the bottom line. I can't let masel forget that. I hope I've not upset her. I don't think I have. I've been an idiot a few times when in my head I thought she was being 'inconsistent'. I became pretty obsessed really. I've been trying to avoid thinking about that. I must have come across to you as a madman. Fuck man. I think about it all now. I still can't believe what happened. How I finally met somebody I had strong feelings about and then a made an erse o' masel over them and 'associated issues'. I don't yet believe I'm a total idiot. I've not done anything too bad (!). I have to put it behind me and learn. As for my feelings for her? well they're still there. I don't think they're likely to fade for some time. She is the only person I've been 'in love' with and all that entails for me in 35 years. When I met her I realised I had feelings that I thought I was incapable of. That was kinda nice in it's way. I now have to work on rebuilding and reworking masel. I have to do it, that's for sure. I think a change of scenary will help. I keep looking out for jobs. I've got a coupla application forms in the s-h. I have to work hard and 'extend masel'. I almost think I can do it...eek... so after a short interlude the good vibes went on. Went wi' CH to the emerging legend that is The Mosque Kitchen. This is a rough and ready pliss at the back of the big mosque (funnily enough) deep in student land. It does rather nice large portions of basic and tasty curries and daals etc for £3. They don't have forks. YOu take yer spoon and yer paper plate and sit outside the kitchen on plastic seats under a rickety canopy thing. 'The dirty pigeons' come and go all around you. I'm sure it defies certain rules under the jurisdiction of Edinburgh Council etc etc but it is a great pliss. Once again it seems like summat you would do exclusively in the big city. It seems like a pliss 'known only by locals'. I love that feeling. I've always felt like I'm outside of things. I used to get intimidated and kinda jealous seeing folk in the big shitty. They strolled about all day. They weren't thinking re the times of the last bus and where everything was .They knew instinctively. You would hear references to legendary places which seemed inaccessible. Now I know about a few of them. It's a whacky kind of empowerment. Tomorrow ma hair will grow shaggy and I'll start 'popping' Alice, doin' ma PHD and flicking ma fringe back outside Favorit. There are times when I genuinely love the big city. These feelings only come when I am not in Gorgie/Dalry. I must get out of there...wanted to keep up the niceness and remain out of G/D so I resorted to ma usual preference and went to a fillim. The only one to stick out was 'New York Doll' at The Cameo. I decided to go for it. I tried not to think of the fact that 'Sir' Bob (I've disliked him intensely ever since he said that he admired Thatcher. Some things are unforgivable to me, I'm afraid. I saw the old bag on the telly the other day. She was droning on re how much she loved the queen. She seemed to have slowed down considerably. Hopefully she'll be gone soon. As I've said before, the bunting will fly outside the s-h on that day) and the horrid Chrissie Hynde are 'in it'. It might seem odd to say but The NYD's are a band I've never really heard to any great degree. They certainly don't 'mean' a great deal to me. Their music sounds pretty (I can't believe I'm going to say this) 'rocking' whenever I stumble across it. I can see that they massively influenced most bands of the Poison/Cinderella persuasion. I know that the frequently tiresome Morrissey is their number 1 fan. The trailers for this fillim looked ok despite the presence of the aforementioned saviour of the world and other big name consciences. I headed in. The Cameo always seems a nicer pliss when the dark haired lass who sits at the front desk doing her knitting is there. This is another example of boho cosmopolitan life. Folk are minded to do kooky things and they don't get self conscious about doing them. They're in an environment where they know it'll be accepted and won't be referred to in a negative way. This just wouldn't happen in Fife. Shit what a lovely lass she is. Warm. Intelligent. Peircing eyes. Nose ring. Tousled in a fetching and non 'shaggy' way. 'European'. Quirky. Man, I wish I was 5 stone lighter, had hair and was currently studying for a postgrad in glaciology. Then I would...still just sit and dream about her but I might feel a bit more 'legitimate' re doing it...Sigh. The fillim turned oot to be certainly entertaining and almost very guid despite initial uncertainty. It wasn't a great one imo tho'. It had chunks of standard 'rock doc' fare but somehow came through mainly because of Arthur himself. He seemed like a 'real' human being. I would have loved to have seen more of him and learned about his 'lost years'. It didn't go into any great depth at all on these. This lack of depth was a factor in making it like another instalment of 'Classic Albums' or 'Rock Family Trees'. There is way too much reliance on interview footage. These are mostly dull and superfluous. It's not an incisive or probing fillim and it doesn't seem to take any partcular viewpoint or adopt any style. It was probably directed by a robot or a Windows 'Direct A Doc' program. I don't want to put you off totally tho'. I'll repeat that it gets there because of Arthur himself. He had a varied life and you can tell that. He saw many highs and lows. There are a number of telling moments particularly in the scenes re his relationship with the highly grizzled David Johansen. These give you a welcome flavour of his inner workings. Gelders was tolerable and Hynde was quite personable in fact. Morrissey didn't seem like a pompous fool as he usually does in interviews, probably because he wasn't talking about himself. I always enjoy hearing the quote he allegedly made some time ago re Brett Anderson however. He said "I have no desire to meet Brett Anderson. He seems to be a deeply boring young man with Mr. Kipling crumbs in his bed". Word. 'Killer' himself was kinda riveting. I'm sure the fillim could have mined the sadness of his life a lot more. It would have been a better and more rounded one if they'd done so. As it was it comes across as a bit of a 'for fans only' thing. It can't really make up it's mind what it is. There is far too much footage of the Dolls themselves in action and not enough Arthur. Maybe I'm being harsh as the stuff from the Meltdown thing seems solid and they're clearly having a guid time along with awbody else. It took a while to dawn on me that the drummer playing at the gig was in fact him from The Libertines tho'. Crazy shit. There's a great bit towards the end when A'K'K leads the group in prayer before they go on stage. This is sad and touching and seemed to catch a lot of what a gentle guy he really was. Anyway, it's a flawed fillim but definately a fun and at times a nicely bittersweet one. Worth seeing. Felt quite relaxed last night. I'd had a feeling that I would spend Friday in knots over TLK. I had the odd pang but thankfully I survived. I'll just keep having to 'redirect' masel whenever I think about her. Good lord...So Saturday then. Drifted in the morning. I had my usual waves of thoughts about 'her' but managed to deal with them fairly nicely. I got an application form through the post today. It had 'out of my league' written all over it. It looked like a suit and tie job. The money was great. I began to feel the word 'limitation' writ large. I'm good for nothing etc. The instinct when I feel like this is to start eating the junk food and wallow. I didn't do that. I had 2 Weetabix wi' a banana (sans sugar) and then walked down to ma work (2 miles approx). I felt proud o' masel. I walked through TLK country too. I could feel thae memories and associations waiting to pounce but I didn't let them in. I kept on walking. I went down to get money from petty cash that I thought would have been waiting for me. It wasn't. KS was there. She lent me a tenner instead! She's a lovely lovely person. We talked for a while. I told her about the double personality clash at the training course the other day. We had a good laugh about it. I confessed my mental block re SVQ stuff to her. She understood. I felt good. Clear. Bright. I mentioned the efforts to lose weight. I described how I was trying to get ma act together. I said "I'm sorry for being an arsehole to folk lately". I meant it. She said "you've not been an arsehole to me". I said "I think I have been with everyone else". I didn't catch her reply. I think she knows the score with TLK and me. TLK talks to her. I intend to try hard to stop the silences and the atmosphere whenever TLK comes in. I've not been enjoying ma work for a while. I'm sure it's pissed some folk off. I've been 'prone' to negativity...no shit?... Part of me doesn't care but I need to force masel to care. I need to start being consistent both with others and to masel. I don't like this preachy tone. I'm changing the subject. I spent a good while in the land o' the Interweb today. I met CH and had a cuppa at the Museum. They charged me £2.50 for a cup of Earl Gray tea. I queried it. She said something about them being 'special bags'. In ma life I've heard of 'special cheese' (answers on a postcard. I'll answer any queries if you ask me) but never 'special bags'. Odd. That sort o' thing wouldnae happen in Fife either....so it's Sat aft. Some woozy music is leaking oot o' a distant pair o' headphones. I like it whatever it is. I'm thinking o' a few things. I'm hacked off at the use of a Vashti Bunyan song in an advert for mobile phones that I've seen at the pictures a few times this week. What do folk think aboot when they give permission for their songs to be used to sell comestibles? That's a rhetorical question. Whenever I like a tune, I'm no that keen on it being 'pinched' for the purpose o' flogging some plastic to schemies. The VB number on the ad sounds surreal in context when you see it. Maybe millions of folk will hear her music. That's a slightly nicer prospect...kinda. I'm peeved at hearing it 'misappropriated'. Maybe she needed a few bob. I'll see her play in a few weeks. I'm still looking forward to it. Can you request that somebody doesn't play a certain song? There's another tune that I've heard at the pictures this week. It's the soundtrack tae an advert for a skateboarding prog on Sky. Young Brad loops the loop to the sound of one finger piano and Newsom-esque side of the mouth swooping. It's a nice wee song that starts wi' a line about how 'they built a city just for us or after us' or something. Anyone got any ideas who it's by? It's from the Cocorosie school but it ain't them. It sounds a bit like what I mind Faun Fables to be like but it's nowhere near obscure enough to be them/her. It might be one o' these generic major label imitators of current artists that pop up now and again. It's maybe Katie Melua. Fuck knows. Anyone ken? I'm thinking o' the guy ootside the pub in Gorgie when I walked past last night. He said loudly "oh aye, well that'll be the same for the fudge won't it?" I'm sure it will. I'm thinking o' the pro lifers who were standing on Princes Street wi' their placards the day. I wasn't sure who they were 'til I noticed a woman with a 'brethren' scarf. That gave the game away somewhat. They needn't have bothered by the looks of it. They got ignored. I feel that's a just response. After the last post I've been thinking o' Thursday mornings. I have a history wi' them. When I was off ma heid in Templehall I used to meet my mother every Thursday in Kirkcaldy when she came in for weekly shopping. I didn't have a washing machine at the time. She was doing it for me. I took doon ma Tesco 'Bag For Life' wi' the Tropical Fruit on it and she gave me the finished articles. I would borrow cash frae her tae. I had to drag masel out o' bed to meet her. More often than not it was raining. Kdy can look hellish grim (at times). We would walk through The Postings Shopping Centre(!). There was always a stink of fish frae Massyoassys' (their actual name is simply unpronouncable and unspellable without days of research) Fish...and Wholefoods emporium. The number of cheap shit shops (shops in Kdy appear to be owned by seedy Eddie Clockerty-esque males, most of them called Josh Canard) grew and grew weekly...an engravers, a hoover repair shop, a 'fat lady's shop' (my mum's phrase), a Vettriano et al print seller and my personal favourite, a knackered second hand book store where my mother would go and exchange her Mills and Boons (she only liked a certain kind. No Betty Neels or 'period romance'. Nothing too flouncy. Her tastes in most things are spartan ie she doesn't like anything. I might explore that with you at one point)ran by a defeated woman frae Templehall. She was, as my mother would say, 'right Kirkcaldy'. This is mum's shorthand for common as muck, brassy,bolshy and/or indiscreet. This person had suffered all the misfortune Kdy had to offer. A string of husbands. Ongoing hospitalisation. A thousand bairns. A billion fags. Whole 'Welcome To Tenerife' tankards of booze and madness. There was plenty to choose what to sink yer heart with when you went in there on those Thursdays. "How are you the day hen?" ..slow speech...measured yet strident voice..."Aye, my sisters' bad wi' the jaundies and I've got a strangulated hernia tae. My laddies up in the coort the morn and I've got to get up tae Lumphinnans the night to see ma mother wi' her bad chist" Relentless misery. "Have you got any o' thae ones?". She never did. I can't understand mother. She likes NOTHING. She only wants to read something 100% like the one she read the other day. It's 'escapism' she would say. She was 'feared' to read the paper or watch the news. She went to great lengths to avoid them. She was bored and restless at times because she had no interests. She likes one genre of fillims only ie US romantic comedies. I've seen them all- 'Pretty Woman', 'Green Card', 'Maid In Manhattan'. The whole shebang. ALl other fillims are 'weird'. We used to fall out regularly when there was a video shop in Kinghorn. I went down to get a fillim. Beforehand she would say "just get anyhting" but if she didn't like the sound of it she wouldn't watch it. Mum, I got you 'Gorillas In The Mist'. "There's nae gorillas in it are there? You ken I dinnae like that shite wi' animals and that'. The examples are endless...I think they're for another day...I'm here. It's the springtime. I think I feel ok tho' I do feel lonely. I'll give you a bit of DT to finish off. I miss him. "How are you the day?" "Ocht. no too bad. Not top of the form but no too bad"...aye...

Take Me Back To The Mumbles Road

...Tue night...Forgot tae mention it but I just minded re summat which happened earlier on, just in case I hadn't rammed hame 'the point' re ma 'madness' enough. We had a team meeting thing at work. I hate them. Probably because I end up being divvied up mair work but mostly cause they remind me how shite the work (and the TLK at work situ) is. TLK will sit across frae me. I 'have to' look at her all the time. Sometimes I can't. The work tensions come in to play at these meeting ie the office politics thing. Fucking nonsense. Today I was sitting across from her again. She was talking away in a clipped manner. I'm going to sound horrid here. I realised how much of a front she puts on. I know because I do exactly the same thing masel. All human beings do. It's how you cover it up that matters. It hit me suddenly. Here we are sittting here both putting on guises. She was battering head long into TLK at work mode by now- uniquely remote, aloof, outwardly composed, civil, professional. All of a suddden I found it awfy funny. The whole scene. I couldn't stop laughing. She asked me what was up. I said I don't know. I kept laughing. She asked me again. She added, '"you're starting to freak me out now" in a mock pally style. This time I said "I'm internalising. If I told you it would be giving too much away". Not sure why that came out. Well it was the truth after all. I kept laughing. She kept up the pally stuff. I thought I'd better stop. I was aboot to greet anyway. This all came back tonight when a dready lass started laughing during 'Anticipation Of The Night'. The Filmhoose pit it on as a double bill with my beloved 'Blue'. 'AOTN' is a 40-odd minute 'avant garde' silent film by the kinda legendary Stan Brakhage featuring endlessly flailing Super 8 images, a guid few of them looped almost ad nauseam , magnetic town lights at night visuals and loads of flamingos, bears and bairns, a' shot in a style which eventually was to be seen in every video they played on that much loved (by me..and a few folk frae Leven) 'Transmission' programme presented by Pat 'The Jazz Butcher' Fish and a proto 'UIG' (Unfeasibly Indie Girl in case you should ask. Just come along to ATP, stand by that dance machine thing for a while and you'll see what I mean) in the late 80's- woozy, blurry, cost 5p ie the 'pop' video equivalent of a 'fleabag apartment, you know the kind'. Of course 'AOTN' was filmed in 1962 and retains 'un certain cache`' in thae avant gardie circles. I would doubt if many things looked like this in 1962. There are times when ma world has looked like this minus the bears, flamingos or bairns tho'. Once you got over the self conscious stuff of sitting in the silent dark and hearing all the sounds therein ie the toffs up the back tutting and talking to each other, the various odd sounds from the cinema next door and the aforementioned giggles you realised how nice it was to be in a space where your mind could run wild. The images fly at you. The fililm is always on the move in one or another. I suppose it's one that is totally up to you to work out and to use in yer ain way and for me that was the fun and the enjoyment of it. A' the wooze made me think o' what happens when I would close my yaks in Kirkcaldy 'in the old days' and the world didn't go away. What I had was a refracted and mair grotesque version thereof. A slightly nicer world was 'represented' here tho' there were still times when it was an empty and lonely one. Some of the stuff near the end which featured an unhappy flamingo flapping around with it's head out of shot was bloodcurdling ditto the bear in darkness bit at the end. I loved how it let you go off on your own thing with the smallest trigger frae the screen. It would be nice if most fillims were like this but that ain't the case. Not sure that the folk there knew what they were getting into. A certain discombobulation was evident. Plenty o' chatter and 'fuck you Jeremy' behaviour. When the boho couple (the lasses' man soon got them too) wi' the giggles next to me sat doon, a horrid stench o' semi digested wine filled the row. Fuck knows what they'd been drinking. Probably the semi-mythical 'gutrot wine' Bukowski talks aboot. Wine breath is a nasty thing. Ain't it funny how such a supposedly 'refined' drink gies off a worse bowf after consumption than simple grog. The lass in the couple opened up a pack o' crisps just after 'Blue' started. I think she had them mic'd up. Major rustling went on all the way through the first half. It was a crackly old print o' the fillim, no the best for one wi' nothing but sound and the volume level was low so it proved hard at first to zone into the vibe. The prog had advertised a 10 minute interval between the 2 fillims which didn't materialise. This caught awbody unawares. The stream of plummy bastards going in and out of the cinema detracted frae what you were trying to pay attention to. Let's face it, to get ANYTHING frae 'Blue', you have to concentrate. Ha! A popcorn movie it ain't. I sat there .You say to the boy open your eyes. When he opens his eyes and sees the light. You make him cry out. Saying O Blue come forth O Blue arise O Blue ascend O Blue come in. I was in right away. Never mind the outside world. At times I shut ma yaks. At others I stared into the blueness. My vision was tired frae staring intently at the Brakhage frenzy earlier. It was just right. There was a major 'something' to be had frae sitting in the dark listening to this outpouring of a man's fears, hopes, memories, pain...to hear something of this nature expressed so vividly and so uniqely was a privilege. I was gripped by it. On and on it went. The image is a prison of the soul, your heredity, your education, your vices and aspirations, your qualities, your psychological world. and If the doors of perception were cleansed then everything would be seen as it is. Fucking hell. Loss. Love. Madness. Thought. Fantasy. LIFE LIFE LIFE. JOY. It's all here. It's all as powerful as it was when I saw it in my folk's back room on a Sunday night just after DJ died. The space and the scope supplied by the lack of pictures leave you with room to make your own visuals. If you look at the blue it does quickly make it's way into your head. I have walked behind the sky. For Blue there are no boundaries or solutions. Jeez. There are certain times when I simply wish I had mair words. An intellectual I am clearly not. I'm sure it can be handy to have a bit more at your fingertips from time to time. I didnae feel that guid on Tues. I sat in the cinema getting pissed off before the fillims wi' all the chattering classes, their confidence, their ability to grab life and seemingly to not care when they make arses o' themselves. Two hetero couples up the back (that fucking speeshiss) were talking loudly almost a' the time. I could hear them coming into the cinema. There was an audible sigh frae one o' them when he realised 'AOTN' was a silent. On the way oot I heard him telling one o' the Jemimas he was with that 'Blue' was 'impersonal'. I shouldn't be fixating on folk's 'negative sides' but I 'couldnae' shake it off on Tuesday so that clearly means I have to rake it up over and over again. At times my reactions, for the most internal, to people aren't good. For a long time I could hide it. There are certain,shall we say, affectations that I dislike. I won't outline them here. You've had plenty of chances to work them out already. A further example had been provided by yet another fucking COUPLE who had been sitting in front of me. 'He' reacted with delight on working out that the double bill consisted o' a fillim with no images and a fillim with only images '. He of course sounded like my lifelong enemy Lloyd Cole. I wanted to lean over and say either " Yeeah, are you The Rebel?" or "Yeeaahh, did you write 16 Years Of Alcohol?"..Fucking privilege. It's everywhere, carrying complacency, elitism et al in it's Pimmsy wake as well as me seething mad behind them desperate to 'fuck shit up'. but saying nothing cause I am a nothing...and so forth...well anyway... Wednesday...TLK stuff is currently marring the work experience somewhat. Knew today would be busy. I'm involved in a MAMMOTH admin task. It is taking forever. It's bogging me down further. Had a word wi' the boss yesterday. She'd been off sick for some time. In the interim I had come out wi' that post 'falling out wi' TLK' outburst to the effect I was leaving. In hindsight I'm no that proud of saying that. I'm sure TLK probably knows why I said it...or does she???? FUCK FUCK FUCK I SHALL NEVER TRULY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT...at the time the bastard in me wanted her to know. There is no justification for behaviour o' that kind really. No that it's bothering TLK overly tho', I know that much, a state of affairs which proves I am EVEN more stupid than I thought..but anyway...I apologised to her for coming out with that but I confirmed I am looking for something else. I asked her for a reference wi' this job I'm about to apply for. I assured her that I wasn't leaving because I had 'a problem' wi management'. She said " it wouldn't bother me if you did". Good answer. I repeated the 'personal reasons' thing. The true answer is of course 'TLK reasons' but 'one' can't really say that. Aye work was grim. Joyless. No TLK= no spark and no effort. Yes TLK = madness and despair. Great. After work I went to meet AM at the legendary Pivo (nee` St. James' Oyster Bar) near Waverley. I've been there once before. It has TLK memories too, as does every hostelry in this half of the town. One of the first nights we went out for grog she got smashed and somewhere about midnight suggested that we should both 'go to Pivo and pull'. I felt this showed something of a lack of understanding of me and ma raw materials as well as the imbalance in our respective levels of 'attractiveness' so I declined. We were both plenty drunk enough. I was in there over Xmas wi' Mike + Bernie. I told her I'd drank some odd brand of Czech beer that night. That got her maudlin. Her lip quivered. She said that the love of her life used to drink that. She was visibly upset. As I did most of the time I just gazed into her eyes not knowing what to do. She didn't always appreciate me trying to provide too much understanding or empathy. Agan that probably had a lot to do with me and the way things 'really' were between us. I mind I felt awkward at the time but of course we just got blootered and 'forgot' aboot it. Spoke for some time wi' AM. As ever conversation flows easily wi' him. Bands. Fillims. He told me that he'd been reading the blog. I was pleased. We started talking about TLK. He said that he thought I was becoming overwhelmed. This is of course true. He told me to quit the silent treatment with her. He said that's not the way you are. Do you want her to remember you as that? AM has a way of saying things that I tend not to forget. His message was that you've wasted enough time. He accepted that all the yearning and shit like that was definately going down but pointed out why I needed to sort masel out. He meant what he said. He was concerned by my mentions of going to the bridge. He spelt it out bluntly and in an incisive way. I listened. I needed to hear it spelt out like that. He got me to think of how she is probably feeling ie I was a guy who went oot for drinks wi' her. She didn't want any heaviosity coming along wi' that so when she got it she 'withdrew'. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong or hurtful. She's probably spoken to her neebor and had that 'confirmed' too. He's right. I still wish she was 'honest' (my own personal interpretation thereof) but it's no going to happen is it? I need to get on with it. At the time I felt as if something monstrous had been removed frae ma shoulders. I knew the score. Meaningful advice from a genuine pal is quite something, it really is. It was a nice night. Mild. Blowy. I was a shade invigorated.Temporarily high on life. I couldn't get 'Wind Of Change' out my head. Please take me 'too de magick off de moment' etc etc right now. It was almost summer. I wasn't in Fife. Things were guid for a while. It was lovely to have that. In the midst of it I txted CH. I'd just walked past The Usher Hall. He was inside seeing The Flaming Lips. There were a load of bairns milling aboot the pliss. It seemed festive. I wrote 'maybe I've started to get over k'. That won't mean anything to non-Clientele fans but both that song and it's title mean a hell of a lot to me. I got the alboom when we were very pally and I've just wanted to greet ever since. Anyway, go and dae yer research re The Clientele. I wanted to stay out and about in the city night. I amended that to a wish to 'do something'. I went to see 'Pavee Lackeen' at the Filmhoose. It was quite special. In most ways it is as far remove from 'Blue' as I could have gotten. A million country miles. It is the most documentary like drama I've ever seen. It's about a 10 year old girl frae a traveller family in Ireland. Her mother's oan the grog and has 10 bairns. The family in it are a real family and all the travellers are played by non actors. The non travellers are played by actors. The actors aren't that good but of course the travellers are all excellent. There's nae plot and nothing is resolved. Few rules are followed. The dialogue looks mostly improvised. It's 'nowt' but a series of situations and snippets of life. Grim as grim can be. It has to be the closest I could come to watching 'real life ' up on screen. While it doesn't utilise the Stan Brakhage camera technique it still does not have much of the conventional to offer. That might throw some of you but please please stick with it. Without using the modern cinema box of tricks it tugs at you by doing nowt more than presenting a bit of someone's life and really that's enough to make sure you get the message. Another hot McLuckie tip...I'll end up with a status akin to that 'morbidly obese' Interweb movie gossip guy wi' the ginger hair one day. What's he called again?..ha ha..talking of obesity, I've been trying hard wi' the diet for a few days now. Think I've lost a few pounds already. Don't feel anywhere near as bloated. Having mega food cravings but keeping them at bay for the most part. Getting loads o' exercise tae. I dare say It's all good. Have passed on details o' ma financial ruin to the debt counsellor. The procedure of the trust deed thing should start soon. Good lord. Despite moments of neo-bounty I feel worried about ma life. Edgy. I'm no in control. I never have been but I've never gotten used to that either. I've no idea where I'm going. Again I never have but I continue to dislike the vibes therein, Some progress is going down. Me being me tho' I feel for certain as if some crap is roond the corner. What new devilry is this? As well as hoping it isn't waiting for me and 'lying out there like a killer in the sun' (I couldn't resist that) I can keep trying with the blubber and with ma TLK feelings. I want to get there, wherever that is... Just noticed these guys sitting next to me. I've seen them in here before. They're a gay couple who talk to each other like they're trying to imitate pussycats. They do it every time I've sat next to them. It's an odd spectacle that is probably an example of these ones that 'you have to be there' to appreciate. It is of course gubernatorally camp and intimate and nice but it's a bit nippy for spectators to hear sic a contrived sound! I couldn't stop thinkin' o this shite 'ironic' Edinburgh band called Lapsus Lingue who don't talk to the crowd but meow instead. Thats a bit nippy tae. So... Thur. The training course I went to the day was shite.There's nae point in expressing it in fancier terms. Mair SVQ crap. The subject matter was so dry. I couldn't stay awake. I will sound like a complete cunt saying this but 2 of the most genuinely irritating people I have ever met were on the course. One was a pinched flouncy white liberal a' la Miss Jean Brodie. She intoned everything like she was saying La creme de la creme over and over again. Of course she was perfect at 'writing reflective accounts'. Her companion...more of her in a sec...boomed out that Maggie Smith (I'm paraphrasing) here had an arts degree. The tutor mentioned something about having a masters in IT. She said "I've got one of them too". I sank into my seat. She had this prying patronising pseudo-concerned way of phrasing stuff. She spoke in a mewling, nasal voice. She appeared to have done most things and was about to do the things she hadn't done. She made 'her direction in life' very clear. Her pal defied belief. She was equally loud and self obsessed but 'presented' as if she as working class as Hilda's muriel. She knew everything about leggings and 'The Bangkok Ladyboys'. She was a big big lady. Think Mama Cass wi' hair by 'Classic Cuts Of Monifeith'. She had this bogus ripe Dundonian accent. It sounded way exaggerated to me. On reflection it was like hearing one o' Fran + Anna... if they had come frae Dundee. MAH MAN CANNAE LET OAN. MAH MER HAD CANCER FER 6 YEE-ARS. AW THE NURSES IN YON HOASPITAL ARE PIGS. SHE GOAT DROAPPED OAN HER HEID. It was all high drama wi' her. She was desperate to tell you how she had suffered and how she 'goat oan wi' it'. On and on it went. She was unstoppable. The word 'loud' cannot do her 'justice'. "THAAT WOMAAAN HAD AYAAT BAIRANS. HE SHOULD BE REMOAVED LIKES" . I became convinced she was a spoof. Surely she was about to say 'Ocht jings I cannae get ma matches to light'. Maybe Julia Davis was under there. Mama Cass had an odd closeness wi' Dame Maggie. They were a double act. Coming soon to the Bein Inn Glenfarg it's 'The Bona Fide Boastful Class Struggle Medicine Show'..or something. I just hoped that at least a mere fragment would come out of it and that Murray Melvin would come in and call anyone he could a 'silly wee hoor' but of course it didn't happen. I was sitting next to a lovely lass wi' endearing ringletty bits in her hair. It was 'gingery' hair too. I seem to have 'a thing' about that. I tried to think of 'other' topics. I just ended up getting mair and mair negative. These fucking people. I envy their motiviation. Their keeness. How can they be bothered with this crap? I was stunned. On Wed night I had felt positive re my thoughts on TLK. I got a coupla tests today. Her best pal was on the bus I got doon to Leith. I didn't see her when I got on. She walked past later and didn't acknowledge me. There maybe is a chance she didn't see me. I got para. I'd nearly got on her bus the day before but 'checked' masel when I saw she was on it. That an't cool. On Tuesday I mentioned to TLK the thing I told you about the other week re bumping into someone who was obviously her pal's twin sister. From what I described she confirmed that it was the twin rather than the pal. Things had been pally for a while that mornin. She had referred to walking out on her neebor when she got annoyed at her last week. My mind went into overdrive. We were on a wavelength. Maybe she 'understands' why I walked out on her after all. THIS WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO. I piled in. I said "Or maybe 'yer pals' ( I can't think of a good 'name' for her) not talking to me. I think I freaked her out a bit the last time I saw her". This was my most blatant reference yet to the 'falling out'. It was a clumsy thing to say. It seemed like I was 'looking for a reaction' which I was. She took it perfectly calmly and said ' no no of course not'. She was in a good mood at the time but funnily enough she wasn't later on ie after I'd said this. At the beginning of Thur I thought I had started to get my shit the gither. On reflection, I've not really got off the starting line. I'm trying hard, I really am. The pliss where the course was held was deep in TLK country. On the way hame I walked past the top of her street. I'd stumbled down that road with her on many occasions. I should have went a different way. All the old thoughts came back. The waves of despair that hit me when I think of where she might be and what she's doing and the fact I'm not there. There is no basis for internal negotiation here. I just have to stop thinking this way. Wandered aboot for some time. Bought some 'healthy' shopping. When I got back to the s-h I saw a pic o' that wee shite Chris Evans and the rather lovely tho' persistently disappointing Jo Whiley meeting the queen. They seemed ecstatic and fawning. I couldn't understand this. Why would anyone see it as a privilege to meet her and why would you treat her wi' any heirs and graces? Haein cash clearly does mess you up. Fucking bullshit artists. Surely naebody under 70 respects the royal bastards do they? After I while I thought of my 'tendency to get angry'. I have to work on this. I promise you I'm not as much of an arsehole in real life. My kneejerk thing seems to be that I have intense feelings of exclusion and dislocation a' that. If I get para I feel like I'm being 'kept out' of stuff, as if I'm not invited. I know that my manner invites a form of the cold shoulder. I'm rarely outwardly grumpy unless I lose it and I force masel to be ie mostly with TLK but I usually sit back and keep oot the road. I don't involve masel. I prefer to stay out of things but then I sit on the fringes and wish I was in the midst of it, waiting all the time for someone to talk to me and 'take an interest'. When nobody does I dwell on it and start getting aw these crazy feelings which I've outlined to you non stop for the last 4 months. I want to have someone ask me " What's It Like Being You?". That would make me the centre of attention. I would feel Iike I was being thought of. That seems to mean a lot. Of course I then get paranoid re the normal aspects of interaction. I'm just not an 'extrovert' I guess. I still have bad times when I feel that it's other folk's 'fault' that I'm alone and unhappy. I turn it round. The anger thing diverts attention away from scrutiny of me. Cue any character from Eastenders...I just want to be loved and accepted...Shit...moving on... so noo it's Friday. Have had the 'day off drifty' thing but not too bad as yet. Spent the mornin typing this in Stelios country. I miss being able to turn round and look at Chloe Sevigny. I must go back to Maisie's at one point. I intend to gan on a long wander later. Not sure where. It is TLK's birthday. I rambled on to AM re how I wasn't going to recognise it as we're no pals..sob etc...I've thought about her a great deal but I'm trying so much not to do so. I'll probably txt later and wish her happy birthday and all that and then I'll switch off ma TV set and go and do something less boring instead..that sounds like a good idea...

Matter Paneer

Wednesday night 'awake in a muddle', I made a phone call tae ma mother. Felt desperate. I wanted all ma problems solved for me. Instead she grilled me re money. It turned into a short phone call. I was 18 again and I had just been caught sneaking records into the house. Mother wasn't that keen on me spending money then and she still isn't. Just as well I never told her about imminent financial ruin then. That can never happen. I got a tad bereft one night and told her a lot of TLK stuff. It wasn't a great thing to do. She would probably attack TLK if she ever met her. That ain't good. Thur- Day off but I had to gan up tae the hospital for a meeting re a prospective new client. I didn't want to be there. With hindsight I didn't have to be there either. It didn't feel like I was entering a massively 'forward thinking' environment. A lot o' things the guy had done while delusional and very unwell got cast up to him as 'reminders' of episodes which would ensure he returned to the hospital asap if they were repeated. I guess I was isolated in thinking it might no be the coolest approach to take ie to rake all this up but the boy (for the meaning o' that, please remember I come from Fife) seemed a little inconsequential next to the obviously superior wisdom of the psychiatric profession. The tone was patronising and of the stern patrician variety. At the end o' it he said he felt embarassed and no wonder. His past was presented to him in a 'it's your fault' bad bad light. I didn't feel proud of ma job. It seemed like I was complient with 'them'. I didn't want this. It has seemed ever thus. I started to think that maybe it's me that is 'wrong' so of course I shut up and proceedings went on the way they were intended to. I didn't like all this. It didn't seem like the way it should happen but it did seem like the way these things tend to happen. Resignation. Before I left, the S-h had been bearing down hard. The size, the grimness, the absence of the feeling that my living space is 'a home' etc. Aye, there are many poor vibes re my present 'living' environment. One of them is the fact that I have no decent hi-fi set up due to my complete lack of ability in setting up the speakers and all the equipment...now that's real hardship. You see I've never really kept it that 'real' at a' have I?... My CD player is in the storage space that I'll probably never be able to rescue it from due to having nae £ for the rest o' ma days, but I'd still like to have ma computer goin' through the speakers. I have a pair of awful PC speakers the now. It just means that I'm not listening to music at the moment. I wish I was. It reminds me that I can be a lazy lazy man, slouching around in the chaotic environment and wearing nowt but an air of resignation to 'it all'. Was dwelling in the midst o' this when I phoned the work re the meeting. Of course TLK answered. I inquired re practicalities but wanted to ask about the blonde bits in her hair . Were they still there? I hoped they weren't. Even talking to her reduces me to a wreck, he says in the stylee of anyone called Adrian from Brize Norton. After the hosp, I went to see 'Pierrepoint' wi' CH and Idles. As CH has said before, this looks so like a Mike Leigh fillim complete wi' the presence o' a coupla Leigh 'vets on board. The overall gloom was rather welcoming to me tonight. There was something re seeing a fillim about compassion and a' that presented to you when you're no feeling chipper. You get it. Big time. And I did. I'm sure it was a somewhat liberal adaptation but it was none the worse for that. Another go see, I would suggest. On return...I didn't want to return to the S-h. Not sure where I wanted to go but not there for certain. I tried to 'write down the truth' I have to share with you what I wrote. It's a classic of it's kind. I truly am the Jake Ar-nott of Gorgie/Dalry... A species unknown. Stiptic pencils. I wish I'd written a series of poems called Anthems For A Generation. Even the actual author of this gets a lumber. Self pity is my name. It's my wife and my life. Ha. Do you have any mair?... I'm sure you agree that it was worth sharing...
Friday. TLK was at work so therefore I nearly lost my mind again. She made 'funny' remarks. The situ wi' the client got worse. She got barbed. I replied in kind. It was petty and horrid. She must have known that. I did but I kept on making the comments anyway. She just beamed at me in a knowing and rigid way for 5 mins and then said nothing for the rest of the time. I don't want to talk aboot it any mair. It was CH's birthday. A' the best to the man himsel'...without whom etc etc...It 'dawned' that it's also TLK's next week. I'm trying not to think of all the cues that will be setting off in ma head. At night we went for nosh and drinks. I was on the softies. Nae grog in 3 or 4 weeks now. I'm going strong...ha....good chat went down. I left early. Too much on ma mind. Too much crap.
Sat- Was on the way doon to the work. Felt on poor shaky form. I was going to see 'her' today. I struggled with all the 'holding it in' that entailed. A young guy stopped as he walked past. He sheepishly pointed and said "Keith?" I said. "no, man" and chuntered as I walked off. I knew who he meant. Roond about Xmas I mind being on a bus when a load o' schemies came on. They were in the midst of high Buckie intake. The scalliest one o' the lot got awfy excited. He shouted. "I'm no joke-hong. That's Keith oot o' The Office. It is likes". I had a big beard at the time. My face is round. I look 'introverted'. I must have been 'him oot' o the office'. I saw said Ewen MacIntosh trudging the streets during the festival last year. I'm strangely proud to say that he is 'even bigger' than me. That provides me with some crazy relief. He looked 'puggled' in the heat. He does look like me. I bet you he's loved up and normal tho'...I'm not honouring that wi' exclamation marks. I'm too bitter...or something...Saw 'her' later. It was cordial enough. She's so in control, it genuinely is rather scary. Her whole tone can change in an instant if she doesn't want to talk about something. It's incredible. It's not something I can cope with. It irritates and bewilders me, the effort she goes to not to talk about certain things. I know she does it. She might put it down to anxiety if you managed to get inside her head and tune in to her thoughts- she will never verbalise anything of this nature- but it might be more like somewhere between can't be bothered and what would that achieve? Conversation was back and forward a bit. She was friendly and then not so, just as normal. She got increasingly friendly as the day went on. Maybe she just wanted me to make her a cup of tea! Which I did. I am, still forgive the cliche totally head over heels about her. I can't keep saying that ALL of my thoughts come back to her but of course I do. If I have any ambition in life and if I'm around long enough then I want to immortalise her in some way. The thought of bringing TLK to 'the world'..for fuck's sake...is quite something to me. I suppose at least outwardly I'd be doing it to try and 'vent' my fucked up feelings mostly. She is a unique person too, I think. I've certainly never met anyone like her but maybe I am a limited mofo. Maybe she would be of interest to some folk. I'd like to see how she reacted too. Totally underwhelmingly would be the answer but I want to do it anyway. On Sat I wanted to tell her all the things I was feeling about her, about me, about the crappiness o' ma life- ha. The feeling I get when I'm in the office and she leaves is, in all it's shitty honesty, the most sunken feeling I've experienced. It gets worse and worse every time it happens. On Saturday I kicked a few chairs around for a while. She came back just after I'd finished. She'd left her crossword. I cannae describe what went through ma head when she left again. Folk bandy phrases around like how they're in despair. I know I was in genuine despair of sorts after she left. I sat in the office and cried. I missed her. I hated her. I love her. The knowledge that it's impossible to speak meaningfully to her for whatever reason- a combination of our personalities being the correct answer- was almost too much. I was finished. Needed to get out into the mythical aimless night. I left the office early. I had to get out somewhere. I ended up scaling Arthur's Seat in the gloom. I was looking for clarity...well her...I didn't get it. I had blowsy moments where I wanted to jump off. Maybe I staved off the infarction for an hour or 2 instead. This didn't help. Walked frae there 'home' to the S-h. Just sat down and she phoned. Not sure why. She saw a message I'd got on the works pager. She wanted to know the client in question was ok. He was. I let her know. She was compassionate or at least sounded like she was. No personal stuff of course. She sounded tipsy. In ma head she sounded like the loveliest individual alive. I couldn't take talking to her any longer. Thankfully she hung up. As soon as the phone was down I wanted to call her back. Sun- Don't want to talk about work. No TLK. No interest to me. Met KB for a while. I didn't feel good. Went to see Junebug later. Shit man, the most important things are ayways those that folk leave unsaid. This fillim understands that. I loved it. It doesn't all tie together neatly. It's all about the great meaty stuff within us all. Matters of the heart. Fuckin' great fililm. Go see it. It starts oddly. Weird choice of a horible Syreeta tune as a theme song. The fact it begins with 2 nubiles snogging each other to the sound of what is nowt more than a typical rom com theme tune puts you off tho' it doesn't take long to get you back in ie a frame or 2. Watching nubiles act out animal attraction. I thought, 'this is not my life' or in an odd way maybe it is. In 'spiritual' terms it is a billion miles remove from my life. This cannot happen to me . Does it happen to anyone? FUCK AYE. Somehow the film managed to get ma heid away from certain concerns. On the way out they came back when I recalled the sheer horror of the cinema itself. The Fountainpark 'leisure complex' is a nasty place. It is like being back in Fife. There's a Wild West theme pub up the stairs where the Diet Coke tastes like its from a soda stream and the trivia machine is totally fucked. The whole multiplex thing sucks. It is not like 'going to the cinema'. It's like going to a schemie fest. A normal person's theatre of dreams. Even the 'weirder films' at multiplexes are populated by the bastards. They didn't take to this one. I felt like I was back in Halbeath at the Odeon. Here comes the despair...I am indeed Student Grant...these past few days have blended into one. Nae colour and shade. All the same thoughts. The same shite. I was running oot o' money tae. That doesnae help. I've blown many things in ma time but never 'the old Bajan Sea Shell'...Oh I wish I had...Mon- work was quiet from a client pov and busy from an 'admin' one. I've started an epic project of documentation which is draining any remaining vim and vigour oot o' me. Nae TLK. Not anything really. Met CH later. Our respective pal CJ was through to Edin for the last time before he leaves for the States and a new life and a' that. It was touching. CJ's a guy I like a great deal. His enthusiasm for music reminds me of something I had for 5 minutes in the early 90's. It is infectious and meeting him makes me feel dewy eyed as if I've lost something along the way. He's one of the good ones is CJ. I will indeed miss him. I wish I'd seen more of him when I had the chance. I'll mind him ploughing through the vinyl in this truly insane record shop somewhere up the bridges. It was a sight to behold. Later, I ended up goin through to Fife to borrow £ from mother. I got to Kinghorn but wasn't sure I would go to see her. I walked round the Village Of the Damned. It was all closed. I thought re the insane number of pubs and 'facilities' that have closed doon since ma youth. What do folk do here? Watch TV is of course the answer. Some might fuck each other a lot to pass the tme but then in some kind o' benign act o' balance this ain't an area for nubiles. It's more like the land of Nod. It was blowy and cool, just like I remember it. I walked past places where I'd cried, places where I fell off ma bike, places where I got drunk but mostly places I'd went mad in. I didn't want to be there. I dwelt on how the family cause me 'difficulties'. I still borrow their money of course. The fucking hypocrisy of it all. Moan about folk and then borrow cash..class class stuff. I've been thinking re the blog a lot lately and what I want to do is get more honest. It bothers me that I'm only being honest re TLK cause I ken she's unlikely ever to read this. That's bullshit. It's false and it's 'cheating'. Of course I'm not saying that I'm going to start slagging ma neebors off (!!), I might just get a bit more 'obfuscatory' ( oh beloved irony) in the attempt to facillitate honesty and because I want it to ring true. Right now I feel like I want to savage masel...cue Werner..."I VANT A FUCKING MOUNT EVEREST". I want to cast off the shackles of mediocrity !!!!!!!! and make an erse o' masel...what am I talking aboot?...answers on a postcard...Well today's been fuckin' hellish. It started off ok. She was there. She looked incredible. The hair has reached new realms of shagginess. I loved it. She was very chatty. There was the odd reference to 'personal stuff', well quite a few in fact. It didn't seem as difficult as before. I must have got ahead of myself somewhere because her tone changed before long. She'd probably had time to re-evaluate and close a few doors she'd left ajar. I've lost the specifics in amongst a' ma crap but she was 'too' friendly. She kept saying 'loaded' things. I know she does this. For some reason she won't say them straight. Never. I find this the hardest possible thing to deal with ie when a person just isn't goddamned honest with you. Of course I know that I'm not always direct either. Hopefully I tend to eventually tell you when I'm not being 100% bona fide. It's harder with her. I don't know what to do. That's all I can say. My feelings for her keep me coming back to this. They make sure it continues to matter. By the end of the shift, I couldn't speak to her. I was just realising that she'd be leaving soon, I think. I ignored a few smily attempts to talk to me. I think she got annoyed at a mention I made of stuff re the new client. She knows she can do a better job than me and so she has taken over slightly...in a TLK style. She's made showy 'comments' like "Oh, I hope I'm not stepping on your toes". The golden rule in dealing with TLK is that she is ALWAYS IN CHARGE. There are no exceptions. She WILL have the upper hand. In my POV you either take her on...you will fail...or you get away from her. That's the way it feels at the moment. What do you do when someone 'implies' everything and doesn't give you any honesty? The answer is nothing. There is nothing you can do except lie down and let them get on with it. As soon as she left, 'it' ie the sense of a lost TLK, started again. This feeling is truly evil. It's a sense that nothing can ever be funny or happy or 'light' again and that you are worth nothing and that you are nothing..add that to the burst of TOT I got as an accompaniment and right now I believe it. Can I be a glib bastard again? This is a serious question. How long can a person live in a kind of misery and wretchedness and just put up with it? I hope that it's not too long. 'Soon it will be over. I laughed under my breath over your shoulder"...aye...

The Neps Possee

Mair o' the detached stuff. Life isn't happening. "There's just some things that I see from the side". I could beat you into submission with metaffers that were just dripping in wind and wuthering and I would really like to but I'm trying (relatively speaking) to learn the value of restraint so therefore I'll edit this part down to ...made it onto the train through to Glasgow. Met CH ootside Mono and we went to see Afrirampo. The impact this band had on me when I saw them before was considerable. They played to a meagre crowd in Edinburgh and really fucking rocked the place. I have to say tonight I didn't enjoy them as much but they did have so much to live up to. They seemed to play fewer 'ragers'. There was a bit more messing about. They had acquired some longer pieces some of which contained elements bordering on introspection, not the first thing that normally comes to mind with this band. They had also found some new 'performance' bits which I enjoyed a great deal . Maybe the 'shock value' of being so impressed by an unfamiliar band had just gone. Maybe my mind had gotten attuned to the sight of 2 'eccentric' skinny Japanese girls rocking out and doin' whacky things. This is something that shouldn't be. The intensity and the ROCK level seemed to have gone down and that imo was a shimm. They went down very well tho'...and rightly so. Aye, some wee bastard who called himself 'Germlin' played as well. He was a despicable fake geek. I can't stand this appropriation of despair by the world of virillity. He thought he was funny. So did most folk. He had a lap top. He cue'd up waggish 'gabba' sounds and then 'jamp' aroond in a 'comedy' and dare one say it, 'spaz' style. If you were his best neebor and/or a membor of the arch enemy Bricolage then you maybe found it funny but for the casual observer or ok..me... it was real garbage despite the occasional big bassy bit which revealed hitherto unheard strength in the Mono PA. It got surreal. A plummy Glasgow version of Jay and Silent Bob were digging it big time ie A chunky ponytailed Gimli lookalike and a longhaired 'dude' got very excited, even taking part in the Germ's 'antics'. They were keen keen keen guys. The whole Germlin spectacle sucked ass. There are certain members of (musical) society who because of prevailing winds and culture can get away with anything. The Germ is one of them. ALL you need is shaggy hair and the ability to wear the claes of a 'goofus' and thae black thick glasses and yer sorted. If you happen to come from The West End tae then you're in 7th heaven. You're a 'made' person. This was yet another example thereof. It turned oot that Jay and Silent Bob loved Afrirampo too. Cue more 'awkward yet enthusiastic' dancing. Silent Bob looked as if he had been made by the Weta Workshop complete with warts and facial 'peculiarites'. There is a chance that he genuinely wasn't human. It was hard to tell whether the dancing was totally sardonic or not. They may have been the Tekken 2 worshipping bona fide article. This 'type' is not normally seen in Mono tho' I am aware that metallers tend to like anything with loud guitars and also anything played by pretty girls . It's just that they tend not to be exposed to many of the non generic loud guitars in Kerrang or the pretty girls in any sphere of their lives either so if they stumble onto something by accident they will tend to dig it big time and they did. It was touching in it's way, I think. My mind wasn't right while I was there. I was dazed. I felt an overwhelming urge to drink beer and lots of it. I think I spoke to CH a lot re 'going to the bridge' It was on ma mind all the time. Its been there today. Festering away. "I can't find a lot in ma life I enjoy". I have a number of 'problems' etc etc. That weight has reappeared ... in addition to the 20 stone one round my belly ...overpowering and draining. I'm loath to write it down cause it sounds extremely shit, like the work o' someone trying to curry favour and manipulate you. I know I have done manipulative things in my time. I'm deeply ashamed of them. I got desperate for attention or company or to have the feeling someone was thinking about me and that I 'meant' something to them. In my delusional state I would think I was due 'recognition' for something unclear, just anything. Maybe I like the anonymity of writing this blog and the feeling I'm getting something out into the open. I have to weigh that up against the opportunities it gives me for negative self reflection. I'm far less self conscious than I would be if I was talking to your face. I'm not sure whether that's a negative or a positive. My mood's been so low today. I've lolled around trying to get moving. All the time new negative thoughts come in to replace the ones I've got rid of. New reminders of how 'shit' things seem to be. The TOT has made sporadic reappearances. I've been dwelling on debt and the prospect of having no money. I'll probably be skint for some time from next week. I do force masel to a certain extent to try to think of solutions to 'everything' and it's as if I have no energy left to fight. The negative outlook has taken over and removed any will I had. It's felt that bad today. There really is nothing to report re what I've done cause I haven't done anything. I've thought about doing lots but it's all 'too difficult'. Being tired o' life can be pretty tiring. Fuck...