Matter Paneer
Wednesday night 'awake in a muddle', I made a phone call tae ma mother. Felt desperate. I wanted all ma problems solved for me. Instead she grilled me re money. It turned into a short phone call. I was 18 again and I had just been caught sneaking records into the house. Mother wasn't that keen on me spending money then and she still isn't. Just as well I never told her about imminent financial ruin then. That can never happen. I got a tad bereft one night and told her a lot of TLK stuff. It wasn't a great thing to do. She would probably attack TLK if she ever met her. That ain't good. Thur- Day off but I had to gan up tae the hospital for a meeting re a prospective new client. I didn't want to be there. With hindsight I didn't have to be there either. It didn't feel like I was entering a massively 'forward thinking' environment. A lot o' things the guy had done while delusional and very unwell got cast up to him as 'reminders' of episodes which would ensure he returned to the hospital asap if they were repeated. I guess I was isolated in thinking it might no be the coolest approach to take ie to rake all this up but the boy (for the meaning o' that, please remember I come from Fife) seemed a little inconsequential next to the obviously superior wisdom of the psychiatric profession. The tone was patronising and of the stern patrician variety. At the end o' it he said he felt embarassed and no wonder. His past was presented to him in a 'it's your fault' bad bad light. I didn't feel proud of ma job. It seemed like I was complient with 'them'. I didn't want this. It has seemed ever thus. I started to think that maybe it's me that is 'wrong' so of course I shut up and proceedings went on the way they were intended to. I didn't like all this. It didn't seem like the way it should happen but it did seem like the way these things tend to happen. Resignation. Before I left, the S-h had been bearing down hard. The size, the grimness, the absence of the feeling that my living space is 'a home' etc. Aye, there are many poor vibes re my present 'living' environment. One of them is the fact that I have no decent hi-fi set up due to my complete lack of ability in setting up the speakers and all the equipment...now that's real hardship. You see I've never really kept it that 'real' at a' have I?... My CD player is in the storage space that I'll probably never be able to rescue it from due to having nae £ for the rest o' ma days, but I'd still like to have ma computer goin' through the speakers. I have a pair of awful PC speakers the now. It just means that I'm not listening to music at the moment. I wish I was. It reminds me that I can be a lazy lazy man, slouching around in the chaotic environment and wearing nowt but an air of resignation to 'it all'. Was dwelling in the midst o' this when I phoned the work re the meeting. Of course TLK answered. I inquired re practicalities but wanted to ask about the blonde bits in her hair . Were they still there? I hoped they weren't. Even talking to her reduces me to a wreck, he says in the stylee of anyone called Adrian from Brize Norton. After the hosp, I went to see 'Pierrepoint' wi' CH and Idles. As CH has said before, this looks so like a Mike Leigh fillim complete wi' the presence o' a coupla Leigh 'vets on board. The overall gloom was rather welcoming to me tonight. There was something re seeing a fillim about compassion and a' that presented to you when you're no feeling chipper. You get it. Big time. And I did. I'm sure it was a somewhat liberal adaptation but it was none the worse for that. Another go see, I would suggest. On return...I didn't want to return to the S-h. Not sure where I wanted to go but not there for certain. I tried to 'write down the truth' I have to share with you what I wrote. It's a classic of it's kind. I truly am the Jake Ar-nott of Gorgie/Dalry... A species unknown. Stiptic pencils. I wish I'd written a series of poems called Anthems For A Generation. Even the actual author of this gets a lumber. Self pity is my name. It's my wife and my life. Ha. Do you have any mair?... I'm sure you agree that it was worth sharing...
Friday. TLK was at work so therefore I nearly lost my mind again. She made 'funny' remarks. The situ wi' the client got worse. She got barbed. I replied in kind. It was petty and horrid. She must have known that. I did but I kept on making the comments anyway. She just beamed at me in a knowing and rigid way for 5 mins and then said nothing for the rest of the time. I don't want to talk aboot it any mair. It was CH's birthday. A' the best to the man himsel'...without whom etc etc...It 'dawned' that it's also TLK's next week. I'm trying not to think of all the cues that will be setting off in ma head. At night we went for nosh and drinks. I was on the softies. Nae grog in 3 or 4 weeks now. I'm going strong...ha....good chat went down. I left early. Too much on ma mind. Too much crap.
Sat- Was on the way doon to the work. Felt on poor shaky form. I was going to see 'her' today. I struggled with all the 'holding it in' that entailed. A young guy stopped as he walked past. He sheepishly pointed and said "Keith?" I said. "no, man" and chuntered as I walked off. I knew who he meant. Roond about Xmas I mind being on a bus when a load o' schemies came on. They were in the midst of high Buckie intake. The scalliest one o' the lot got awfy excited. He shouted. "I'm no joke-hong. That's Keith oot o' The Office. It is likes". I had a big beard at the time. My face is round. I look 'introverted'. I must have been 'him oot' o the office'. I saw said Ewen MacIntosh trudging the streets during the festival last year. I'm strangely proud to say that he is 'even bigger' than me. That provides me with some crazy relief. He looked 'puggled' in the heat. He does look like me. I bet you he's loved up and normal tho'...I'm not honouring that wi' exclamation marks. I'm too bitter...or something...Saw 'her' later. It was cordial enough. She's so in control, it genuinely is rather scary. Her whole tone can change in an instant if she doesn't want to talk about something. It's incredible. It's not something I can cope with. It irritates and bewilders me, the effort she goes to not to talk about certain things. I know she does it. She might put it down to anxiety if you managed to get inside her head and tune in to her thoughts- she will never verbalise anything of this nature- but it might be more like somewhere between can't be bothered and what would that achieve? Conversation was back and forward a bit. She was friendly and then not so, just as normal. She got increasingly friendly as the day went on. Maybe she just wanted me to make her a cup of tea! Which I did. I am, still forgive the cliche totally head over heels about her. I can't keep saying that ALL of my thoughts come back to her but of course I do. If I have any ambition in life and if I'm around long enough then I want to immortalise her in some way. The thought of bringing TLK to 'the world'..for fuck's sake...is quite something to me. I suppose at least outwardly I'd be doing it to try and 'vent' my fucked up feelings mostly. She is a unique person too, I think. I've certainly never met anyone like her but maybe I am a limited mofo. Maybe she would be of interest to some folk. I'd like to see how she reacted too. Totally underwhelmingly would be the answer but I want to do it anyway. On Sat I wanted to tell her all the things I was feeling about her, about me, about the crappiness o' ma life- ha. The feeling I get when I'm in the office and she leaves is, in all it's shitty honesty, the most sunken feeling I've experienced. It gets worse and worse every time it happens. On Saturday I kicked a few chairs around for a while. She came back just after I'd finished. She'd left her crossword. I cannae describe what went through ma head when she left again. Folk bandy phrases around like how they're in despair. I know I was in genuine despair of sorts after she left. I sat in the office and cried. I missed her. I hated her. I love her. The knowledge that it's impossible to speak meaningfully to her for whatever reason- a combination of our personalities being the correct answer- was almost too much. I was finished. Needed to get out into the mythical aimless night. I left the office early. I had to get out somewhere. I ended up scaling Arthur's Seat in the gloom. I was looking for clarity...well her...I didn't get it. I had blowsy moments where I wanted to jump off. Maybe I staved off the infarction for an hour or 2 instead. This didn't help. Walked frae there 'home' to the S-h. Just sat down and she phoned. Not sure why. She saw a message I'd got on the works pager. She wanted to know the client in question was ok. He was. I let her know. She was compassionate or at least sounded like she was. No personal stuff of course. She sounded tipsy. In ma head she sounded like the loveliest individual alive. I couldn't take talking to her any longer. Thankfully she hung up. As soon as the phone was down I wanted to call her back. Sun- Don't want to talk about work. No TLK. No interest to me. Met KB for a while. I didn't feel good. Went to see Junebug later. Shit man, the most important things are ayways those that folk leave unsaid. This fillim understands that. I loved it. It doesn't all tie together neatly. It's all about the great meaty stuff within us all. Matters of the heart. Fuckin' great fililm. Go see it. It starts oddly. Weird choice of a horible Syreeta tune as a theme song. The fact it begins with 2 nubiles snogging each other to the sound of what is nowt more than a typical rom com theme tune puts you off tho' it doesn't take long to get you back in ie a frame or 2. Watching nubiles act out animal attraction. I thought, 'this is not my life' or in an odd way maybe it is. In 'spiritual' terms it is a billion miles remove from my life. This cannot happen to me . Does it happen to anyone? FUCK AYE. Somehow the film managed to get ma heid away from certain concerns. On the way out they came back when I recalled the sheer horror of the cinema itself. The Fountainpark 'leisure complex' is a nasty place. It is like being back in Fife. There's a Wild West theme pub up the stairs where the Diet Coke tastes like its from a soda stream and the trivia machine is totally fucked. The whole multiplex thing sucks. It is not like 'going to the cinema'. It's like going to a schemie fest. A normal person's theatre of dreams. Even the 'weirder films' at multiplexes are populated by the bastards. They didn't take to this one. I felt like I was back in Halbeath at the Odeon. Here comes the despair...I am indeed Student Grant...these past few days have blended into one. Nae colour and shade. All the same thoughts. The same shite. I was running oot o' money tae. That doesnae help. I've blown many things in ma time but never 'the old Bajan Sea Shell'...Oh I wish I had...Mon- work was quiet from a client pov and busy from an 'admin' one. I've started an epic project of documentation which is draining any remaining vim and vigour oot o' me. Nae TLK. Not anything really. Met CH later. Our respective pal CJ was through to Edin for the last time before he leaves for the States and a new life and a' that. It was touching. CJ's a guy I like a great deal. His enthusiasm for music reminds me of something I had for 5 minutes in the early 90's. It is infectious and meeting him makes me feel dewy eyed as if I've lost something along the way. He's one of the good ones is CJ. I will indeed miss him. I wish I'd seen more of him when I had the chance. I'll mind him ploughing through the vinyl in this truly insane record shop somewhere up the bridges. It was a sight to behold. Later, I ended up goin through to Fife to borrow £ from mother. I got to Kinghorn but wasn't sure I would go to see her. I walked round the Village Of the Damned. It was all closed. I thought re the insane number of pubs and 'facilities' that have closed doon since ma youth. What do folk do here? Watch TV is of course the answer. Some might fuck each other a lot to pass the tme but then in some kind o' benign act o' balance this ain't an area for nubiles. It's more like the land of Nod. It was blowy and cool, just like I remember it. I walked past places where I'd cried, places where I fell off ma bike, places where I got drunk but mostly places I'd went mad in. I didn't want to be there. I dwelt on how the family cause me 'difficulties'. I still borrow their money of course. The fucking hypocrisy of it all. Moan about folk and then borrow cash..class class stuff. I've been thinking re the blog a lot lately and what I want to do is get more honest. It bothers me that I'm only being honest re TLK cause I ken she's unlikely ever to read this. That's bullshit. It's false and it's 'cheating'. Of course I'm not saying that I'm going to start slagging ma neebors off (!!), I might just get a bit more 'obfuscatory' ( oh beloved irony) in the attempt to facillitate honesty and because I want it to ring true. Right now I feel like I want to savage masel...cue Werner..."I VANT A FUCKING MOUNT EVEREST". I want to cast off the shackles of mediocrity !!!!!!!! and make an erse o' masel...what am I talking aboot?...answers on a postcard...Well today's been fuckin' hellish. It started off ok. She was there. She looked incredible. The hair has reached new realms of shagginess. I loved it. She was very chatty. There was the odd reference to 'personal stuff', well quite a few in fact. It didn't seem as difficult as before. I must have got ahead of myself somewhere because her tone changed before long. She'd probably had time to re-evaluate and close a few doors she'd left ajar. I've lost the specifics in amongst a' ma crap but she was 'too' friendly. She kept saying 'loaded' things. I know she does this. For some reason she won't say them straight. Never. I find this the hardest possible thing to deal with ie when a person just isn't goddamned honest with you. Of course I know that I'm not always direct either. Hopefully I tend to eventually tell you when I'm not being 100% bona fide. It's harder with her. I don't know what to do. That's all I can say. My feelings for her keep me coming back to this. They make sure it continues to matter. By the end of the shift, I couldn't speak to her. I was just realising that she'd be leaving soon, I think. I ignored a few smily attempts to talk to me. I think she got annoyed at a mention I made of stuff re the new client. She knows she can do a better job than me and so she has taken over slightly...in a TLK style. She's made showy 'comments' like "Oh, I hope I'm not stepping on your toes". The golden rule in dealing with TLK is that she is ALWAYS IN CHARGE. There are no exceptions. She WILL have the upper hand. In my POV you either take her on...you will fail...or you get away from her. That's the way it feels at the moment. What do you do when someone 'implies' everything and doesn't give you any honesty? The answer is nothing. There is nothing you can do except lie down and let them get on with it. As soon as she left, 'it' ie the sense of a lost TLK, started again. This feeling is truly evil. It's a sense that nothing can ever be funny or happy or 'light' again and that you are worth nothing and that you are nothing..add that to the burst of TOT I got as an accompaniment and right now I believe it. Can I be a glib bastard again? This is a serious question. How long can a person live in a kind of misery and wretchedness and just put up with it? I hope that it's not too long. 'Soon it will be over. I laughed under my breath over your shoulder"...aye...
Friday. TLK was at work so therefore I nearly lost my mind again. She made 'funny' remarks. The situ wi' the client got worse. She got barbed. I replied in kind. It was petty and horrid. She must have known that. I did but I kept on making the comments anyway. She just beamed at me in a knowing and rigid way for 5 mins and then said nothing for the rest of the time. I don't want to talk aboot it any mair. It was CH's birthday. A' the best to the man himsel'...without whom etc etc...It 'dawned' that it's also TLK's next week. I'm trying not to think of all the cues that will be setting off in ma head. At night we went for nosh and drinks. I was on the softies. Nae grog in 3 or 4 weeks now. I'm going strong...ha....good chat went down. I left early. Too much on ma mind. Too much crap.
Sat- Was on the way doon to the work. Felt on poor shaky form. I was going to see 'her' today. I struggled with all the 'holding it in' that entailed. A young guy stopped as he walked past. He sheepishly pointed and said "Keith?" I said. "no, man" and chuntered as I walked off. I knew who he meant. Roond about Xmas I mind being on a bus when a load o' schemies came on. They were in the midst of high Buckie intake. The scalliest one o' the lot got awfy excited. He shouted. "I'm no joke-hong. That's Keith oot o' The Office. It is likes". I had a big beard at the time. My face is round. I look 'introverted'. I must have been 'him oot' o the office'. I saw said Ewen MacIntosh trudging the streets during the festival last year. I'm strangely proud to say that he is 'even bigger' than me. That provides me with some crazy relief. He looked 'puggled' in the heat. He does look like me. I bet you he's loved up and normal tho'...I'm not honouring that wi' exclamation marks. I'm too bitter...or something...Saw 'her' later. It was cordial enough. She's so in control, it genuinely is rather scary. Her whole tone can change in an instant if she doesn't want to talk about something. It's incredible. It's not something I can cope with. It irritates and bewilders me, the effort she goes to not to talk about certain things. I know she does it. She might put it down to anxiety if you managed to get inside her head and tune in to her thoughts- she will never verbalise anything of this nature- but it might be more like somewhere between can't be bothered and what would that achieve? Conversation was back and forward a bit. She was friendly and then not so, just as normal. She got increasingly friendly as the day went on. Maybe she just wanted me to make her a cup of tea! Which I did. I am, still forgive the cliche totally head over heels about her. I can't keep saying that ALL of my thoughts come back to her but of course I do. If I have any ambition in life and if I'm around long enough then I want to immortalise her in some way. The thought of bringing TLK to 'the world'..for fuck's sake...is quite something to me. I suppose at least outwardly I'd be doing it to try and 'vent' my fucked up feelings mostly. She is a unique person too, I think. I've certainly never met anyone like her but maybe I am a limited mofo. Maybe she would be of interest to some folk. I'd like to see how she reacted too. Totally underwhelmingly would be the answer but I want to do it anyway. On Sat I wanted to tell her all the things I was feeling about her, about me, about the crappiness o' ma life- ha. The feeling I get when I'm in the office and she leaves is, in all it's shitty honesty, the most sunken feeling I've experienced. It gets worse and worse every time it happens. On Saturday I kicked a few chairs around for a while. She came back just after I'd finished. She'd left her crossword. I cannae describe what went through ma head when she left again. Folk bandy phrases around like how they're in despair. I know I was in genuine despair of sorts after she left. I sat in the office and cried. I missed her. I hated her. I love her. The knowledge that it's impossible to speak meaningfully to her for whatever reason- a combination of our personalities being the correct answer- was almost too much. I was finished. Needed to get out into the mythical aimless night. I left the office early. I had to get out somewhere. I ended up scaling Arthur's Seat in the gloom. I was looking for clarity...well her...I didn't get it. I had blowsy moments where I wanted to jump off. Maybe I staved off the infarction for an hour or 2 instead. This didn't help. Walked frae there 'home' to the S-h. Just sat down and she phoned. Not sure why. She saw a message I'd got on the works pager. She wanted to know the client in question was ok. He was. I let her know. She was compassionate or at least sounded like she was. No personal stuff of course. She sounded tipsy. In ma head she sounded like the loveliest individual alive. I couldn't take talking to her any longer. Thankfully she hung up. As soon as the phone was down I wanted to call her back. Sun- Don't want to talk about work. No TLK. No interest to me. Met KB for a while. I didn't feel good. Went to see Junebug later. Shit man, the most important things are ayways those that folk leave unsaid. This fillim understands that. I loved it. It doesn't all tie together neatly. It's all about the great meaty stuff within us all. Matters of the heart. Fuckin' great fililm. Go see it. It starts oddly. Weird choice of a horible Syreeta tune as a theme song. The fact it begins with 2 nubiles snogging each other to the sound of what is nowt more than a typical rom com theme tune puts you off tho' it doesn't take long to get you back in ie a frame or 2. Watching nubiles act out animal attraction. I thought, 'this is not my life' or in an odd way maybe it is. In 'spiritual' terms it is a billion miles remove from my life. This cannot happen to me . Does it happen to anyone? FUCK AYE. Somehow the film managed to get ma heid away from certain concerns. On the way out they came back when I recalled the sheer horror of the cinema itself. The Fountainpark 'leisure complex' is a nasty place. It is like being back in Fife. There's a Wild West theme pub up the stairs where the Diet Coke tastes like its from a soda stream and the trivia machine is totally fucked. The whole multiplex thing sucks. It is not like 'going to the cinema'. It's like going to a schemie fest. A normal person's theatre of dreams. Even the 'weirder films' at multiplexes are populated by the bastards. They didn't take to this one. I felt like I was back in Halbeath at the Odeon. Here comes the despair...I am indeed Student Grant...these past few days have blended into one. Nae colour and shade. All the same thoughts. The same shite. I was running oot o' money tae. That doesnae help. I've blown many things in ma time but never 'the old Bajan Sea Shell'...Oh I wish I had...Mon- work was quiet from a client pov and busy from an 'admin' one. I've started an epic project of documentation which is draining any remaining vim and vigour oot o' me. Nae TLK. Not anything really. Met CH later. Our respective pal CJ was through to Edin for the last time before he leaves for the States and a new life and a' that. It was touching. CJ's a guy I like a great deal. His enthusiasm for music reminds me of something I had for 5 minutes in the early 90's. It is infectious and meeting him makes me feel dewy eyed as if I've lost something along the way. He's one of the good ones is CJ. I will indeed miss him. I wish I'd seen more of him when I had the chance. I'll mind him ploughing through the vinyl in this truly insane record shop somewhere up the bridges. It was a sight to behold. Later, I ended up goin through to Fife to borrow £ from mother. I got to Kinghorn but wasn't sure I would go to see her. I walked round the Village Of the Damned. It was all closed. I thought re the insane number of pubs and 'facilities' that have closed doon since ma youth. What do folk do here? Watch TV is of course the answer. Some might fuck each other a lot to pass the tme but then in some kind o' benign act o' balance this ain't an area for nubiles. It's more like the land of Nod. It was blowy and cool, just like I remember it. I walked past places where I'd cried, places where I fell off ma bike, places where I got drunk but mostly places I'd went mad in. I didn't want to be there. I dwelt on how the family cause me 'difficulties'. I still borrow their money of course. The fucking hypocrisy of it all. Moan about folk and then borrow cash..class class stuff. I've been thinking re the blog a lot lately and what I want to do is get more honest. It bothers me that I'm only being honest re TLK cause I ken she's unlikely ever to read this. That's bullshit. It's false and it's 'cheating'. Of course I'm not saying that I'm going to start slagging ma neebors off (!!), I might just get a bit more 'obfuscatory' ( oh beloved irony) in the attempt to facillitate honesty and because I want it to ring true. Right now I feel like I want to savage masel...cue Werner..."I VANT A FUCKING MOUNT EVEREST". I want to cast off the shackles of mediocrity !!!!!!!! and make an erse o' masel...what am I talking aboot?...answers on a postcard...Well today's been fuckin' hellish. It started off ok. She was there. She looked incredible. The hair has reached new realms of shagginess. I loved it. She was very chatty. There was the odd reference to 'personal stuff', well quite a few in fact. It didn't seem as difficult as before. I must have got ahead of myself somewhere because her tone changed before long. She'd probably had time to re-evaluate and close a few doors she'd left ajar. I've lost the specifics in amongst a' ma crap but she was 'too' friendly. She kept saying 'loaded' things. I know she does this. For some reason she won't say them straight. Never. I find this the hardest possible thing to deal with ie when a person just isn't goddamned honest with you. Of course I know that I'm not always direct either. Hopefully I tend to eventually tell you when I'm not being 100% bona fide. It's harder with her. I don't know what to do. That's all I can say. My feelings for her keep me coming back to this. They make sure it continues to matter. By the end of the shift, I couldn't speak to her. I was just realising that she'd be leaving soon, I think. I ignored a few smily attempts to talk to me. I think she got annoyed at a mention I made of stuff re the new client. She knows she can do a better job than me and so she has taken over slightly...in a TLK style. She's made showy 'comments' like "Oh, I hope I'm not stepping on your toes". The golden rule in dealing with TLK is that she is ALWAYS IN CHARGE. There are no exceptions. She WILL have the upper hand. In my POV you either take her on...you will fail...or you get away from her. That's the way it feels at the moment. What do you do when someone 'implies' everything and doesn't give you any honesty? The answer is nothing. There is nothing you can do except lie down and let them get on with it. As soon as she left, 'it' ie the sense of a lost TLK, started again. This feeling is truly evil. It's a sense that nothing can ever be funny or happy or 'light' again and that you are worth nothing and that you are nothing..add that to the burst of TOT I got as an accompaniment and right now I believe it. Can I be a glib bastard again? This is a serious question. How long can a person live in a kind of misery and wretchedness and just put up with it? I hope that it's not too long. 'Soon it will be over. I laughed under my breath over your shoulder"...aye...
posted by Jock Gumps at 8:30 AM
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