No More Hospitality, No More Hospitals At All

So it's Wed. I'm in a different part of the land of the Interweb from the one I'm normally in. Don't know why I've temporarily abandoned old Maisie Mossco. I like going there. It's a wee rough and ready place with nice coffee and some invasive pot plants. Blokes come in and play online poker for hours and hours. They only have a few records which they play on a loop- they have a Supergrass record which I think is great. Maybe I should keep that to masel. Chloe Sevigny works there too. However it's also way way expensive and their stereo plays way way too much Jamiroquai. Not that any amount of that wee shites music is acceptable but anyway. I've jumped ship to the kingdom of Wunder Stelios. These Easy Everything plisses have relatively cheap access to the Interweb but have nae 'soul' or atmosphere tae them at all. It feels as if you're in a cheap office trying to sell Timeshare appartments to retired folk frae Sleaford. I miss the opperchancity to turn round and see CS looking dreamily out the window or of observing the Simon Whitlock man in full flight shouting at his 'sheila' over the phone. In 'ere you sit in rows like you're about to lay an egg and try not to look at anyone sitting near to you. The ends of the rows are always the most popular..GET AWAY FROM THE HUMAN RACE..I mean I have spent most o' ma life in a solitary funk but these days I don't like being reminded that we live in a world where 'double seat double seat gotta gotta get a double seat' is the name of the game...fucking Ben Elton. Bring him on, I'll tell him a few things he'll never forget...so last year last night...spent a long time after leaving the house of Haji-Ioannoua meandering and being aware that I was truly desperate to speak to someone who knows me, who understands, who wants to listen. I was also intermittently desperate to jump off the Forth Road Bridge but I appear to still be here. Couldn't think of anyone who would be around. Started to get mad at myself for being a total asshole with regards to almost every aspect of ma life. I would like to say that it seemed bizarre to be in this situ but as I've probably said before I knew I would land in the shit some day. I've only been papering over the cracks for 35 years. This certainty does not provide any succour to my situ. I literally could not stop thinking about TLK. Every minute I thought differently about her and I thought of another aspect to her. The grandeur kicked in again. I will write about her and folk will read it. She will read it. She will understand me at last. I will let her see the blog. That'll show her. The time went by slowly. Sat up late and watched the rest of 'Interiors', one o' the few 'serious' Woody Allen films. I can't recommend it enough. Can't understand why he's made hardly any movies like this. It's rather Bergman but it's rather great. As I said yesterday, the matriarch character was surely written with Ma McLuckie in mind. I ken it's about an upper middle class academic family but there's so much more to it than being a stab at 'at home with the Ignatieffs'. I think you should all see it. The Geraldine Page role seemed eerily pertinent to ma ain experience of maternal strife. Earlier in the day I had read a horoscope for Capricorn in a crappy magazine at the work. This was scary too. It went on about 'the need to make a fresh start' and shit like that. Yon air of dislocation piled in again. This wasn't all happening. I was reading about a fat unfortunate. Maybe his torso had been found in a suitcase like the poor bastard who was discovered at The Shore in Leith a few years back. Micky Buerk would intone as to how he was nothing but a 'lone madman' similar to somebody who slashes MP's with swords. Last night wasnae much fun. Look folks, being on yer ain when you don't want to be is shite and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. I was hellish lonely. I also couldn't face the prospect of continuing to see TLK everyday. Her ways and the way I react to them are both bad news for me. I just wish she would tell me to fuck off and not put this half-cheeryness on display. She has massive reserves of strength. She can switch off anything. If she don't want to think about you, she won't. This should not bother me but it still does. ...I made it through the night. Seriously considered pulling a sickie today but got in half an hour late. Was deflated, knackered. Was also unwashed due to havin' nae time for a shower before leaving. This affected ma mood tae. Was grotty and felt accordingly. TLK came in at 12. Mair 'friendlyness'. She'd put blonde bits in her hair. She's done this before. They really don't suit her. Her hair had went stringy at the back and she commented on this. "How does it look?", she asked. I wanted to say how much I love her ginger hair, particularly when it's wild and all over the pliss but of course I would have been arrested if I'd said that. I said that I thought it clearly looked different from her normal colour. She considered this a normal reaction or at least I think she did. I realise now how much she keeps things hidden. She might have been thinking anything or she might have been thinking nothing at all. Who knows? There's a chance that she don't know either. She was pretty chatty at first. The rserve came in later when she returned to the office and I was there past my time. She thought I was hanging around to chat to her like I used to. A good few wee comments were made re 'why are you still here?' She disappeared through to the howf, put the telly on and SHUT THE DOOR. This isn't really a normal thing to do in the office. I went in and said cheerio. I was cheery in a plastic way. So was she. I went home again. Started to feel shit again. Had the phone turned off all day due to the financial services calls. This fact made me sadder. I felt annoyed at TLK. I also missed her right away. I missed what I wanted her to be, not what she really is. I know that now. I'm still so attracted to her. I have never met anyone who I have felt like this about. It''s a very odd situation..ha... It's dawning on me that I cannot handle seeing her every day. It's destroying me. I get caught up on questions of whether I've been honest with her, of whether I've been straight with her. I know that I've been bewildered by my feelings for her for a long time- I've known her a year to the day now- I didn't know what to do with my feelings. I didn't expect to feel like this about anyone in ma life. I still don't know what to do. Can't help but feel she thinks I'm 'heavy', I'm 'a downer'. I don't like folk feeling this about me even if I am these things. That's a character defect in itself. I associated TLK with being the only 'pal' or acquaintance I've made since I moved to the big city. She was, and is good company. I miss that. I miss being with her. She drives me nuts but I miss her. She don't feel that way about me. Even if she ever did she won't let on. I still find masel going over and over thae ideas of what she made of me. Did she really think I was a pal? I hope she did but in reality I wasn't. She's a huge mystery to me. I still want to get to the bottom of how she ticks. I'm going to have to leave this to ma shitty imagination..TLK turned to debt in ma mind. I'd phoned the counsellor on Mon to reschedule. Made a guddle of taking her call. I'll phone again the morn. She's not in on Tue and Wed. I paid a coupla things yesterday. The phone calls continued. I owe a removal firm £500. They have a load of ma stuff. I'm thinking mostly of this, for some reason. I want to see them tea towels again. Godamnit. Fucking hell...Got an interview with an agency for care workers on Mon. Will have to take shifts if they're offered. Also got an application ready for relief work wi another mental health and learning disability service provider. There appears to be no permanent jobs of this kind on the go the now. It ain't good. Maybe I'll end up in Tesco's Skid Row branch. While I've been typing this, I've gotten way way down. 'A couple' are next to me. I'm envious of their intimacy, their liking for each other, their mutual ease of being. These are aspects of living I've never known. I don't think I'll ever ken about them either...