I'm working but I'm not working for you

So here I am. Thursday-day off. Dare say I should be taking care of 'business' but of course I'm not. I'm doing my own brand of idling in the land of the Interweb. Being a 'typical man' I'm naturally quick to point out that this pliss doesn't have quite the same allure when Chloe Sevigny isn't on shift here. This has been given additional emphasis by the fact that a genuinely smelly crusty is sitting next to me. I'm thinking o' a story I can recall of a crusty who hadn't removed his boots in a number of years. He had literally grown into them. There is a horrid fousty pong goin about. I'm also now thinking of a story I once heard re a similarly crusty lass washing her nether regions in a drinking fountain in full view of a queue of thirsty festival goers who all quickly went on to lose their thirst. Now a Bernard Cribbins lookalike has sat down at the other side and started singing along to Hall & Oates. This truly is life's rich pageant dear readers. Had the 'day off feeling' back today. Spent most of the latter part of last night and all of this morning thinking that I should be doing SOMETHING, that I should be utilising my time off. Got bewildered and confused by this and sat around unmistakeably wasting time- displeasing onanism, dwelling for hours on how cold this fucking place is and how little I can do about it, the all-pervasive loneliness, somewhat restless watching of cricket, wondering whether to have a shower or not- I wasn't sure on a/c of how freezing cold it is in here vis a vis the prospect of disrobing, as if the thought of catching sight of my enormous bulk on a reflective surface wasn't bad enough - and ultimately I spent a fair amount of time ruminating on how self loathing appears to be quite addictive. Had a few options. Planned to phone the debt counsellor. Put it off again. I regretted it later...Had a chat wi' KB in the middle o' this latest collection o' Mcluckie's own defiantly non- funky brand of despair. Think he wanted to see how the 'date' had gone the other night. I told him that it had went well and I think it had. I like A-W. A lot. We get on. We had a nice time. I'm seeing her again etc. The most significant part of the conversation was what wasn't said. I didn't realise until I'd hung up but in all honesty I think this was the first chat I've had with KB in about a year where we didn't talk about TLK and my 'issues' therein. This has to be a noteworthy event. She has dominated my thoughts since I first met her. Particularly recently, this just hasn't been a healthy thing. Even before DT's death and all that happened on that day, negatives (both inside my head and relating to 'actual events') went down which affected me badly. I know that now. It's dawned on me over the last week or so that I pretty much deluded masel over how 'friendly' we were. I wanted to be pals with her just because I knew we would never be anything other than that. I feel at the moment as if I've been fucking daft and not just on a small scale of daftness either...indeed it's been a shamozzle...and no ordinary shamozzle. I know I mentioned last night that I felt I might soon 'fall in love' with A-W. I used that phrase ad nauseam while outlining my feelings re TLK. I might be prone to amend it now to a massive infatuation. I still know that the feelings I have/had (not quite sure where the status is currently. It changes day to day) were unlike anything I've ever had for anyone else. Maybe I was totally bowled over by the fact another human being could invoke feelings of that kind in me. It had never happened to anywhere near that extent in 34 years. I think most of it was probably sheer physical attraction. We never had any sort of connection between us...nothing that was mutual. We could talk at length with each other of course but if I think now there wasn't any real magic to be had for me in spending time with her and I know there wasn't for her in being with me. I'm starting to feel that I'm maybe 'coming round' now. She was fun. She could be oddly exciting to be around. She was nice for most of the time. Distant for the rest. She has a massive level of complexity going on. I got the brunt of some of this on a good few occasions. She probably didn't realise she hurt me. Maybe she did. Maybe I shouldn't have been hurt. Christ man, I still 'fancy' her. I don't think I'll stop doing that in a hurry but maybe something in my head has realigned. I've been able to see more clearly that the type of person she is isn't the type of person who is good for me or, at times, isn't the type of person who I particularly like. I'm not her type either as a pal or anything else. This all sounds ridiculously harsh but it's not too far from the truth. I've really lost myself in being unable to deal with my feelings for her. I've wasted so much time therein. There's a lot I've not told you about her. Maybe if I told you it would make me seem less 'she done me wrong' (she hasn't. It's me that's done that) or maybe more so. There's no point in telling you all of it. I'll continue to think about her a lot I'm sure. I still worry about her too. This is probably nothing more than another reason for her to dislike me. Like me, she needs to change some things. I would have to say that I'm probably closer to doing that than she is. I hope she's able to recognise a few things and fix them. There's a damn good person in there, I know that because I've seen some lovely glimpses of it, just not enough..imo. Christ, I've come across as pompous there. There are bits related to TLK that I don't want to divulge.That might make the last bit more understandable or even meaningful. I've made myself sound like Jesus there. Shit man, of course I need to get my shit together too big time...I am the boomy sole judge of character in the universe etc etc. I think I know what I was trying to get at but I lost it somewhere along the line. It's a bit rich of me to state that other folk need to change but I will stick by what I said because I think she does to some degree..so do I. Going back to A-W I can safely say that my feelings for her are far more natural (ambiguous phrase that and another type o' thing which makes me sound like a nutter..hope you know what I mean..I can clarify on request...) and relaxed. Not sure whether she feels the same way or not but however she feels, our friendship or whatever will be a mutual one and that's maybe the main difference. I can't see it causing me distress or pain and that's one of the factors to green light things imo...good old A-W. As an addenda to the above I spoke again wi' KB later. One of the first things he talked about was that it had just dawned on him we hadn't mentioned TLK once during our conversation. I had just written the first part of this an hour or so before. Good lord. Like minds and all that..Whenever we've seen each other in the last year TLK has been the main talking point on almost every occasion. This hasn't been fair on KB and I'm not proud of it but it shows how....eh..messed up I've been..anyway...enough of this...

Got a call from CH later in the afternoon. We met up for chat and sumptious hot chocolates at The Filmhoose..shit, at times I make all this sound like 'Sex And The City' don't I?..couldn't decide what shoes to wear, but somehow made it to Spago's (or wherever..that's an American Psycho/ New York pliss isn't it?) , fucked Mr. Big but got interrupted in a comedy manner yada yada yada for years and years and years...anyway...aye 'one' does feel as if I give you the same old bollocks over and over again. Maybe this is the 'Twelve Gold Bars' of unread blogs? Got fed up, wanted to kill masel, didnae, got excited ower TLK, fell oot wi' her, fell in wi' her..and on and on and on... I shall endeavour to avoid contrivance but I feel I have to work on some 'formatting' issues...maybe I can turn this into a blog on big hair and the relative potential for a lumber therein...wait a minute, I think it's about that already...right I'll allow myself one...!....eek...moving on...the reformatting appears to have been postponed for now...After a good natter wi' CH, wandered about a bit and decided to go and see a fillim. Needed to stay out of the shithole for as long as possible. In the coming months I may have no cash at all. At least at the moment I have the credit card companies and the banks money which I should be paying to them. I feel I need to make the most of this for now. So that was the gist of my excuse to masel for spending more money...feeble...went back to the Filmhoose and saw 'L'Enfant'. Not sure what I made of it. IMO the acting was variable and it wasn't that believable...not a goood start... despite the attempt to give it an uber realistic look. The locations were perfect but that was really the only thing which couldn't be improved. The characters experienced a fair bit of misery but...to be honest...it all seemed to be resolved pretty nicely...the characters weren't particularly real people. The bairn's mother's part was underwrittten and while I know that 'conventional characterisation' etc wasn't really on display here, I ended up feeling as if I was looking at cardboard cutouts. Some moments were oddly gripping like watching a cheapo thriller or perhaps more like infamous Cannon and Ball vehicle 'The Boys In Blue'. As watchable as this might have been I'm not sure it was that welcome and I felt I was dipping into a grab bag o' cinema conventions and watching a wee bit of an am dram re-enactment o' each o' the standard reels. I remember seeing 'Rosetta' a few years back. That was great. This wasn't. Or maybe it's just me. I'm sure yer Peter Bradshaw's of the world would subject it tae different criteria..under that type o' scrutiny it may well be the best ever. I'm very working class (fucking hell) and very cynical so I tend to feel that any fillim about 'the underclass' and their struggles will always appeal to 'right thinking' middle class intellectuals who will go on to praise their authenticity and so forth..as if they would recognise it when they saw it...or is that just me being a cunt again?...aye it maybe is...btw just read P. Bradshaw's review...I agree with some of what he said, recognised some bits, thought of some of it a wee bit differently after he gave his reasons but certainly cannot agree with his comment re acting and still feel that it ain't a 5 star affair...imo..shit...single male has just dissed a Palm D'Or winner...he obviously is obsessed with 'The Crow' and Tarantino quirky violence features and nowt else and so 'doesn't understand'...aargh...what's that line from 'Blue'? Can't find it away frae ma own PC but it's something about praying to be released from 'image'. If only you could slough off what people thought of you and how you come across to others/ have a fresh start etc etc. That would be something. Now everything for me goes through what I think others make of me. This is invariably negative..brought on by a combo of factors normally caused by myself. When I'm feeling down this can get rather shit to say the least...anyway...I digress...came 'hame'....Started to dwell on the situ re debt...thought of the potential hopelessness of it all...thought of having to change spending habits and of not being able to leave the shithole again (best viewed with the grammatical devices which I've banned, I would suggest) thought a bit of TLK but not much. Still struggling to shake off the feelings of wanting to be with her, to talk to her which I've had for a year. Still can't bring to mind the reality of our 'friendship' whenever I have these strong wishes to see her. I have to work on that...After midnight a lass from the world of dating who I've spoken to a few times...the 'picture' one...messaged me and we spoke on the MSN thing. It was another weird affair. I find our conversations very stilted. She continues to contact me and to be frank I don't know why. Don't think we have anything in common AT ALL. I suppose I've continued to talk out of politeness. Last night I had the strong feeling she was trying to hint that I suggest we meet up. I don't want to do that. This isn't my typical irrational fear thing. I've made an informed choice and I don't want to meet her. It's as simple as that. I thought about it but I know that I'm not interested. This is a mindblowing situ for me to be in. Unattractive males are not supposed to 'turn down' or discourage offers of dates. It isn't the done thing. Us unfortunates are supposed to be incessently doing the asking, getting knocked back but then going back and taking it on the chin like the jolly fat people we are. Normally the culture of dating does not allow a choice for non-nubiles. We ask and get knocked back and that's all. I feel like a total bastard doing it but I don't see a meaningful relationship coming from this. So there. I can't bring myself to ignore her messages either. Shit man, I've (nearly) seen the other side of the coin. Fuck....Up early again..freezing cold..some cricket but mostly procrastination re what to do with free time. Phoned the debt counsellor and arranged an apt for next week. This didn't provide me the cheer I thought it might. It also dawned on me that the lease on the shithole will run out soon. Read over the details. It looks as if it'll be automatically renewed month by month til the landlord wants me out..he might want me out after the next inspection...can't afford to go anywhere else for some time...H.M.P Saughton is just up the road..maybe I could become a petty thief lout and find some board there...and then in later years a middle class intellectual will write a screenplay about my story which will be lauded and applauded..by middle class intellectuals as real, gritty and so forth...perfect...tried not to dwell on this...failed...wandered out into the sunshine...yes it's true...it was still bitterly cold of course....got here to the land of the Interweb..Chloe Sevigny's in again.. Aussies are singing along to the funky music...it's dawning on me that I really quite like Supergrass...I'm 'tired of life and I'm waiting for thae miracles'...nothing much changes...