We Write Threnodies, We Write With Explosions.

Saturday. The fucking weekends are always worse. You see people in the process of living life and engaging in all manner of activity which might just be fulfilling and memorable. I've always found this difficult to watch. I mean of course I have times where I have fun and enjoy masel. But when you go through a period of feeling down these times just never seem to happen OFTEN ENOUGH and the amount of times you see other folk seemingly strolling through life becomes more and more frequent. I'm not mad enough to be unable to identify this as delusional shit on my part but I still feel it so strongly. This belief that folk can saunter through their lives without a care while others have to deal with all manner of shit tends to be there with me most of the time. I feel as if I struggle to know how I feel about things, with what I want to do, how I want to be, while these bastards manage pretty well. At the moment I feel as if I'm on the verge of getting ill again. Not had the racing thoughts 24/7 as yet but the mega negative stuff usually ushers it in. All I can say is that I will try to fight it. I never know whether it helps to express it outwardly or not. Sometimes it makes me focus even more acutely on how bad I'm feeling. I'm starting to get aware of the lack of perspective sneaking in again. The paranoia re what folk think of me and how I come across to them. Fucking unbelieveable feelings of loneliness. They all tend to be signs. I know it sounds weird for me to be able to identify these 'symptoms' while they're happening but I've always been able to do that, to think about what's happening. It normally doesn't mean I can stop it going ahead but at least I know what I'm 'fighting' to a certain extent. Sorry for the use of tabloid language. It seems oddly apt....after I posted earlier I went to meet my brother and sister-in law. Can't mind if I've mentioned them before but they're seriously good sorts. Caring, friendly, non-judgemental etc. Most o' the good stuff. Don't feel as if I can talk about much of my shit with them but that's maybe not a bad thing . Went for scran with them and then went to a boozer in Rose St. primarily to watch rugger on telly and of course by extension rugger buggers in action in the bar. I used to like rugby a lot as a bairn before I realised the 'cultural hegemony' which surrounds it. In all honesty this has put me off since then. I suppose I still like watching the gemme but can't handle the sight of all thae Barbours and hip flasks in concert. I know that cricket is a toff's gemme too but cricketing ya's seem more cartoonish and less 'threatening'. It's maybe just cause fewer folk play the gemme up here too and it has always been 'my game' as well therefore I think I'm in control of any blazerati..to a certain extent. That's bullshit ain't it? I'll leave you to guess what I mean by that, I think. ..so while in the pub I missed a call on the moby. I presumed it was another financial services thing but when I noticed a msg was on there I kent it wasn't frae them. It was TLK. She inquired how I was and asked me to phone her if I got the msg. My first instinct was to ignore it and of course I should have done this but of course I didn't. I phoned her back. She asked me what had happened last Sunday. She said she was so gassed she hadn't really noticed. One minute I was in the pub and the next minute I wasn't. I asked if she wanted the honest answer. She did so I mentioned my feelings on the day and how I felt she just fucked off. She initially apologised for being 'insensitive' but tried to stand her ground at the same time. I mentioned that we had different ways of dealing with things. She mentioned that she had been on a bit of a bender all week. This had started on Sun. I told her that I felt very shit on Sunday. I couldn't deal with the DT thing. I felt she was being supportive one minute and then suddenly withdrew that. She told me that 'when I'm sitting listening to someone talking like that (I'm not saying you were doing that John) sometimes I need to just get away from it and go talk to someone else or about something else so I don't get drawn into it myself and so my mood goes down too'. I couldn't really handle her saying this given the context o' the day. I repeated the thing re different ways of 'dealing', mentioned that we were different people and that we would probably disagree at this point. I also pointed out that there were different ways of doing what she wanted rather than suddenly leaving someone, supposedly a pal, who was looking for support and was in the midst of a feeling we were being mutually supportive. She asked 'can you understand why I needed to get away?' I replied ' No, I don't think I can understand'. She didn't like this. I didn't like her saying what she had said. In my fraught head it confirmed that she can only be supportive to a certain amount that suits her. After that it's all about geting blotto and getting away from things. It's almost as if this is what a person is supposed to automatically need to do to get over things...get immersed in madness. It's the way she is, I suppose. I just get immersed in my own personal madness. Maybe I feel this is 'more honourable'. That is of course flawed. Me being 'a sad man' I worry about her too but she won't let me go there and I can't be bothered offering thae concerns anymore. I think she sensed I wanted to keep talking and said 'I don't think this is the time and the place to talk about this'. She annoyed me even more by yawning constantly at this point. We talked a little re work. I went on to describe how I had really needed to talk to her on Mon/Tue but she didn't appear to be returning the couple of calls I made. I said I presumed she was annoyed at me so I wasn't going to keep phoning. I apologised for storming out. She didn't seem to be annoyed at this. She was just 'on this bender'. That phrase seemed to contain more self pity than even I could ever produce. I wanted to tell her to sort hersel out and quit the self absorption but that would have been a bit rich. I said that I'm not sure I want to come back to work. I think things have ran their course. She advised me against packing it in. She said she thought I sounded depressed and should take some time off. I bit the bullet, mentioned the vibes that, imo, go down and said there were times I didn't feel supported at work. She said 'by me?' I said yes. She said 'what do you expect from me?' I said I needed consistency from both friends and colleagues. I said that I tried to give her support. She agreed that I did. I also said that I knew she didn't want this from me. I said there are times when it's as if 'you're no that bothered' about me at work and that you switch off. I mentioned that at times she made a big thing re supporting each other and then tended not to do it. She stayed a wee bit aloof tho' polite and apologised once or twice, for what I can't remember, and I think she just wanted to get off the phone after a while. She said that we could talk 'another time'. I felt like saying 'yeah right' or something silly but thankfully didn't. That's about it really. She immerses hersel in drink to get away frae things. I turn everything inwards and fuck masel up that way. I suppose I also take what folk say to me at face value. That obviously is a fucking daft thing to do, particularly when grog is doing the talking. After talking it dawned on me a bit that maybe my feelings for her are informing all of this after all. Or are they? One minute I know they aren't. Then I can't separate them again. I know I haven't consciously thought re 'pursuing her' or owt like that. I haven't but maybe I've just continued trying to be pally purely as a second best thing. I probably have clung defiantly to this when she clearly isn't up for that. I shouldn't have done that but of course she shouldn't describe us as being friends either and then not following through wi' anything that ties in with friendship. (Shit...reading this back. It doesn't make ANY sense at all. That's probably a realistic depiction o' ma insanity then..fuck...) So..I really wish I hadn't spoken to her. I don't think anything got resolved or changed, far from it. I hope I didn't sound manipulative or come across as an arsehole but I probably did. Incredibly, five minutes after we'd hung up I got a jolly txt from her re a laugh we had a few months ago. She is truly impossible to read. Maybe I am too...So as ever I've came away to the land of the Interweb. I'm not going to censor masel at this point. I've sat and thought of ending it for the last half an hour. I've thought about how I would do it. When I was ill before I got obsessed with the idea of jumping from this block of flats in Kdy. I used to deliver the post there and I rather liked the way they looked. I thought on many occasions re how I would just get the lift up to the top and take it from there. It was oddly comforting to have decided on your method. Man, I can't face things- my life, my willy, my flat, my debts, my 'ways', my hair, my lack of ability, my lack of 'insight or connection'. I know that I have to get over these thoughts and these problems and hopefully I will. I don't know how right now but maybe I will soon...