The Blue Dahlia
I know that this is an average kinda vibe for me to gie yous but I genuinely don't know where to start wi' this post. Standard observation time again but I feel that most of the words I might choose to use are simply inadequate here. I got a message on the pager at the work early Sunday morning to say that DT, the client I told you about wi' cancer, was very ill. Contacted the hospice and headed down there. TLK got the message as well and came down a bit later. I got to the hospice and found out DT had passed away at 8 AM. I felt I was ok and I was, at least until I started thinking about all the little things I remembered about him- his mentions of obscure film stars of the 40's/50's etc ie examples of what made him who he was. From that time on I was gone. I went into see him and just broke down right away. I've never seen 'a dead body' before anyway but to see this particular person laid out in front of me was probably the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. It was DT but it wasn't the DT I knew and that simple equation was almost too much to take in. I expected him to sit up and start telling me bad jokes or describing how this or that film 'had a nice cast'. I tried to think of all the things I wanted to say to him. All I did say was "you didn't deserve this, man". I touched his hand and then I had to leave the room. Had a cuppa (I suppose this genuinely was 'tea and sympathy'. Fucking hell..) wi' one of the nurses after that and broke down again. I remember thinking about his perception of himself and how he would downplay the merest suggestion that he had any intelligence or talent or any real 'quality'. The fact that this man of all people would say that was another thing I found too painful to accept. This guy was hounded by delusions and voices and general mental torture pretty much all his adult life. He probably felt that he was 'different' from others- because he was (he was wiser ( I hope that doesn't sound like mythologising. That's not what I'm trying to say, he really did have an uncanny insight into folk. It's hard to describe but it was there) and way more of a true individual than most. Also despite his own problems he CARED about others, often beyond the call of duty) and this brought him a lot of pain along the lines of thoughts re how he didn't fit in etc etc. Speaking wi TLK later she reminded me that what he probably found hardest was the fact that deep down he knew that he was a decent man and that maybe the hard bit was that in his mind nobody recognised that. This set me off again. Christ DT reminded me of myself so much. A lot of his delusions and shit of this nature reminded me of how I've felt in the past and of how I still feel at times. He maybe came across to folk as 'different' (that word again. It''s amazing how prescient that is) or 'unusual'. That's another kinship with me. He had a real geekish thing about films. He knew everything there was to know about films particularly older ones. He had a way about him that was engaging to be with. He was unfailingly polite. Kinda otherworldly yet oddly warm at the same time. A wee bit like a throwback to another time and place. When you knew what he'd went through re his mental health stuff you had to admire the man simply for being able to keep going. I'll remember him for the daft jokes he used to tell, for the day he told me about Wilfred Pickles and when he told me about 'John Payne, not Wayne' and for the fact that he listened, that he felt for other people and he thought about me. I thought about him all the time. He was a good man and I miss him terribly already.
All these conventions re death and how you're supposed to 'deal' with it. Fuckin' hell man. How do you 'deal' with it? Nobody knows. That's because you simply CANNOT guess how you're going to react 'til it happens. The support workers were kinda like family to this guy and I know that particularly masel and TLK were really quite close to him. My head just went after it happened. (I'll warn you that I might use cliches in this section but I don't really apologise for that) The whole day totally felt like a dream. The fact that I got woken up by the msg added to that but the general vibery was incredibly eerie. After I left the hospice and had communicated with officialdom ie the boss (incidentally she lectured me re 'concentrating on the practicalities' and reminded me that I could leave early if I wanted but that I would miss out on the overtime I was supposed to get. This came 15 minutes after I discovered DT was dead so obviously the thought of losing out on a few £ was pretty paramount. There's nothing like sympathetic management. She also declined to come in and take the lead in contacting his friends etc, preferring to 'leave it 'til Monday'. Classic... At that point in time what I really needed was a lesson in 'boundaries'.) I walked back to the work wi' TLK. I suppose we had already noticed our 'different ways of coping'. She tried to take charge of most things. Things which I was supposed to do and also wanted to do so I stood my ground a little on these. From time to time I've noticed her tendency to try to take the lead in things and then get quite frustrated if she can't. I've never been mad keen on getting vibes from people that they know they can do something better than you and this seemed a wee bit to the fore already. (It's dawning on me as I write this that it seems really crap that on a day like this I was falling into the usual TLK stuff. That's because it was really shit of me and I'm trying to be honest with you. Read on.) We had a good chat about things tho' and we agreed to meet later on. Went into the work and couldn't really handle being there. Did a few DT things but couldn't face doing too much. Was supposed to be on 'til 3.30 but okayed it with the glorious leader that I could head off at 1 instead. Had a good chat with KS, my other colleague, but generally felt totally whacked. It dawned on me I hadn't had any scran all day so went for veggie breakfast (sans eggs of course- fuck's sake. Dietary sanctimony carries on apace) at local greasy spoon, met TLK and started drinking. We went to this place on Leith Walk which I didn't like and that added to the vibes further. We talked a lot of DT and we both felt shit re the management attitude as well. I got very upset, couldn't deal with things, spent most of the afternoon greeting and getting smashed. The aforementioned different ways of coping came to light again. She remained restrained and reserved and defiantly didn't cry. I honestly think she was a bit miffed that I cried and she couldn't. She thought that she needed to go off and be on her own for it to sink in. We spoke on our beliefs re 'the afterlife' and stuff. Another difference of opinion ensued. She got a bit in yer face re how I 'can't know for certain' that 'what we are' ceases to be once thae electrical impulses get switched off. I feel that we only live on through folk's memories of us and things we've left behind, things we did and things we made etc etc. TLK expressed very strongly that in her opinion all that energy a person gives off manifests as something else or at leasts takes on some another form after the present one passes. I just can't believe that. It doesn't make any sense to me and so therefore all I could express was what does make sense to me based on what I've seen ie that when the brain and the heart stop we are officially gone and then we are literally nothing but skin and bone. I just can't imagine anything else and it gives me comfort that I feel so strongly about this. Maybe I felt she was giving me quasi- mystical bullshit. This is something I tend to have a short fuse with. It comes from years of listening to people droning on mid spliff re how they want to visit the Findhorn Foundation or whatever that hippie pliss that the horrid Mike Scott is obsessed with is called. Maybe I got snippy about ma beliefs but after a while and after I kept greeting she said 'No wonder you're so upset, if that's what you believe'. I felt this was a mite off at the time but wasn't really in a state to respond. Anyway, we talked for a good while. I felt a lot of those supportive vibes going down. We held hands for a while. It didn't help. She went off to get a round in and didn't come back for some time. I could hear her talking to someone and started to think she'd got into one of these pub arguments that she tends to get drawn into after a few drinks. After 10 mins she appeared at the side of the stairs leading up to the bar and said 'grab my stuff. I've met somebody I know.' She motioned that I should come up. In just that fraction of a second I felt totally furious. One minute we were sitting there having a highly personal discussion and then the next minute she just fucked off somewhere else. I had been very upset. Surely she'd seen this? I started thinking that because she didn't seem to be outwardly upset maybe she wasn't bothered at all. I couldn't believe that she would just fuck off like that. I went round and said 'I'm going to head off'. She didn't seem overly bothered but said 'no no stay. I've got you a drink'. The fact that it wasn't the drink I'd asked for irked me even more- little things again. I sat down. She kept talking animatedly to this random person for another 5-10 minutes. I sat there pissed, feeling like absolute shit and couldn't take it anymore so I promptly stormed out of the pub. I heard her saying 'Are you ok man?' I snapped yes and kept heading out. Quite frankly I couldn't believe that she could do this ie be so insensitive on this day of all days. I was just wrecked with all these thoughts of DT and of how I'd got there too late and could have done more etc. We had been talking re this 'personal' stuff and then suddenly thatdidn't seem to count for anything and she's off. Complete change of tone of voice. everything. The fact that she introduced me to the guy in the odd depersonalised. 'This is a colleague' way that she seems to reserve for these sort of occasions hadn't helped. Despite signals to the contrary she just cannot recognise me as anything more than a vessal who sits at the bar and drinks with her. That hit me right there. I went out the pub. Wandered up Leith Walk. I genuinely felt as if I was at the lowest possible ebb. I felt truly alone. I walked past all these people who looked happy, who looked content. I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way. I thought about heading straight for North Bridge. That would be dramatic. That would be spectacular. It would really be a grand gesture. The only one I've ever made in my life. Somehow I found my way into a Taxi and ended up home amongst all the squalor therein. I can recall that I booted a few inanimate objects around for a while. I sat down in what genuinely was the nearest I have been to total despair. I phoned CH and rambled at him for a while. As ever he was great in these situ's. He txted me later in an act of pure friendship and asked if I was ok. I tried to phone KB. I phoned mum (fucking hell) and broke down again. I just did not know where to turn. Rather stupidly I phoned TLK. She didn't answer. I didn't expect her to. I left a very drunk sounding message. I just didn't know what to say. I wanted her to phone me. I wanted to talk to her. I ended up aplogising and then regretted it immediately. Aye, ok, I shouldn't walk out on anyone but I really felt that she had done a very nasty thing. Of course in hindsight it was probably no more than a drunk insensitive kinda thing flitered through my feelings for her and my own total intoxication. After phoning folk I soon realised how totally smashed I was. I also had a thumping headache which normally means that I barf..and I did. Tried to get some sleep. Woke up every hour on the hour. Had the shivers. Had more of the lowest feelings I've had in all my life. Finally got up early on Monday. Felt physically not as bad as I thought I would. Emotionally I was just shot. I couldn't think of what to do. I decided to just have a shower and head for work even if it was pretty early in the day. Got there in a daze. Found a very business like vibe going on. The boss was stressed and was trying to take care of everything herself. I tried to speak to her and passed on that there were things myself and TLK would like to do, if we could. She gave this suggestion very short shrift. I really didn't know where to put myself. The day went so slowly. I tried to phone TLK and left a message just asking her to phone me re work stuff. She didn't phone back. This hurt me even more tho' I felt as if I was in an impossible position as she was probably upset, hurting and pissed off at me so therefore any call I made to her would seem to be unwanted in some way. I felt at the time that there were work things she needed to know about and that she had asked to be told about before I stormed off. She didn't respond. I was totally unable to take on board any sort of rationale or owt like that. My head had just completely gone off somewhere. I got through Monday thanks to a flurry of work in the afternoon, a wee chat with JP, an old colleague of mine, and through talking to KB at night. I felt things starting to fall into place a wee bit. KB pointed out that he felt I was 'starting to get emotionally dependent on this woman'. I thought about this for some time and he was right. For so long now almost everything I've thought about has contained an element of TLK influence in there eg I can't go there in case I bump into TLK, if I do this at work then maybe TLK will spend an extra 5 mins with me, what will TLK make of this? etc. It sounds ridiculous but this is the way I have been thinking. Recently during DT's illness and work troubles I've looked to her a lot for input and advice and ultimately I get totally consumed by dwelling on what she thinks of me/what she truly sees me as /makes of me etc etc. On reflection I realised a lot of elements of her character that I don't like. I recalled a lot of mixed signals she gave me ie where she can be very friendly one minute and then totally different the next so therefore I just don't know where I stand with her. Quite simply she doesn't give me the emotional support and back up that I want and need from a pal so therefore she probably isn't a real pal. I've tried to give her some support/ back up etc when I thought she looked to me for it and in her mixed kinda way I know now she doesn't really want it from me even tho' she may look for it in a compartmentalised 'pint + chat after work' way. I've let my very strong feelings for her influence my actions generally particularly the stance I've taken at work during these recent 'troubles'. I've been too 'tight' with her on certain issues. Not been honest enough. I feel as if I try to give her a lot of my energy, my thoughts, my feelings and I truly get nothing in return. I suppose I've let my feelings influence the way I am with her. I''ve not done it in a sleazy way because I ain't like that, it just isn't my style, but I think I wanted to get close to her and to get to know her even tho' I knew no 'relationship' would take place. I would settle for second or third best just so I could spend some time with her. Because I'm so lonely and 'sad' I've been clinging on to some bizarre feeling I had that she was a real friend. Aye she can be hard to read. She's a very reserved person. Quite internalised. She is a strong strong character and she tends not to admit this but in hindsight she is pretty good at assuming control of certain situations and imposing her way. Maybe I'm painting a bad picture of her. She's not a bad person by any means. She is a very complicated one tho'. From a pal I need consistency. I need folk who you know where you stand with. It's exhausting for me to be around her. I can't imagine what she truly makes of me and maybe over the last few hours it's started to matter less to me. Yesterday just drifted past. I went into work this morning. More practicality. Some pretty glib comments from the boss re the funeral arrangements. Thought to myself that I just can't cope with all of this. Spoke to the boss. She put some of her 'practicalities' into perspective, made me focus re my feelings on death and reminded me of what I needed to do. I decided to go home early prior to my 5 days off so here I am. Since I sat down I feel a bit better. At first all I wanted to do was speak to TLK but I'm not going to phone her. Aye there are things that we said we'd tell each other about but I think Sunday has dramatically changed things. She needs to stay true to her word as well. I'm sure she isn't getting angsty re not keeping me informed about things. I'm not going to damage myself any longer. She can come to me if she wants to know something re DT. I hope that I've never hurt TLK. I genuinely don't think she bothers about me that much. She's a person who tends to keep parts of her feelings hidden so I'll never really know. I would guess she ain't thinking about me right now. She's probably thinking about DT like I am. I hope she's ok. She might be angry at me re Sunday but I remember how I felt on Sunday night after she fucked off and I feel ok about things from my pov. I don't think I caused her any real upset and of course, I hope I didn't. Jeez, I'm starting to feel some perspective coming back into the picture. I'm sorry for myself that I've been sidetracked by my feelings for her for so long. I know I'll miss DT for a long time. He was a special guy. I'm going to think about him and remember all the good stuff. I'm not going to think about anything else.
All these conventions re death and how you're supposed to 'deal' with it. Fuckin' hell man. How do you 'deal' with it? Nobody knows. That's because you simply CANNOT guess how you're going to react 'til it happens. The support workers were kinda like family to this guy and I know that particularly masel and TLK were really quite close to him. My head just went after it happened. (I'll warn you that I might use cliches in this section but I don't really apologise for that) The whole day totally felt like a dream. The fact that I got woken up by the msg added to that but the general vibery was incredibly eerie. After I left the hospice and had communicated with officialdom ie the boss (incidentally she lectured me re 'concentrating on the practicalities' and reminded me that I could leave early if I wanted but that I would miss out on the overtime I was supposed to get. This came 15 minutes after I discovered DT was dead so obviously the thought of losing out on a few £ was pretty paramount. There's nothing like sympathetic management. She also declined to come in and take the lead in contacting his friends etc, preferring to 'leave it 'til Monday'. Classic... At that point in time what I really needed was a lesson in 'boundaries'.) I walked back to the work wi' TLK. I suppose we had already noticed our 'different ways of coping'. She tried to take charge of most things. Things which I was supposed to do and also wanted to do so I stood my ground a little on these. From time to time I've noticed her tendency to try to take the lead in things and then get quite frustrated if she can't. I've never been mad keen on getting vibes from people that they know they can do something better than you and this seemed a wee bit to the fore already. (It's dawning on me as I write this that it seems really crap that on a day like this I was falling into the usual TLK stuff. That's because it was really shit of me and I'm trying to be honest with you. Read on.) We had a good chat about things tho' and we agreed to meet later on. Went into the work and couldn't really handle being there. Did a few DT things but couldn't face doing too much. Was supposed to be on 'til 3.30 but okayed it with the glorious leader that I could head off at 1 instead. Had a good chat with KS, my other colleague, but generally felt totally whacked. It dawned on me I hadn't had any scran all day so went for veggie breakfast (sans eggs of course- fuck's sake. Dietary sanctimony carries on apace) at local greasy spoon, met TLK and started drinking. We went to this place on Leith Walk which I didn't like and that added to the vibes further. We talked a lot of DT and we both felt shit re the management attitude as well. I got very upset, couldn't deal with things, spent most of the afternoon greeting and getting smashed. The aforementioned different ways of coping came to light again. She remained restrained and reserved and defiantly didn't cry. I honestly think she was a bit miffed that I cried and she couldn't. She thought that she needed to go off and be on her own for it to sink in. We spoke on our beliefs re 'the afterlife' and stuff. Another difference of opinion ensued. She got a bit in yer face re how I 'can't know for certain' that 'what we are' ceases to be once thae electrical impulses get switched off. I feel that we only live on through folk's memories of us and things we've left behind, things we did and things we made etc etc. TLK expressed very strongly that in her opinion all that energy a person gives off manifests as something else or at leasts takes on some another form after the present one passes. I just can't believe that. It doesn't make any sense to me and so therefore all I could express was what does make sense to me based on what I've seen ie that when the brain and the heart stop we are officially gone and then we are literally nothing but skin and bone. I just can't imagine anything else and it gives me comfort that I feel so strongly about this. Maybe I felt she was giving me quasi- mystical bullshit. This is something I tend to have a short fuse with. It comes from years of listening to people droning on mid spliff re how they want to visit the Findhorn Foundation or whatever that hippie pliss that the horrid Mike Scott is obsessed with is called. Maybe I got snippy about ma beliefs but after a while and after I kept greeting she said 'No wonder you're so upset, if that's what you believe'. I felt this was a mite off at the time but wasn't really in a state to respond. Anyway, we talked for a good while. I felt a lot of those supportive vibes going down. We held hands for a while. It didn't help. She went off to get a round in and didn't come back for some time. I could hear her talking to someone and started to think she'd got into one of these pub arguments that she tends to get drawn into after a few drinks. After 10 mins she appeared at the side of the stairs leading up to the bar and said 'grab my stuff. I've met somebody I know.' She motioned that I should come up. In just that fraction of a second I felt totally furious. One minute we were sitting there having a highly personal discussion and then the next minute she just fucked off somewhere else. I had been very upset. Surely she'd seen this? I started thinking that because she didn't seem to be outwardly upset maybe she wasn't bothered at all. I couldn't believe that she would just fuck off like that. I went round and said 'I'm going to head off'. She didn't seem overly bothered but said 'no no stay. I've got you a drink'. The fact that it wasn't the drink I'd asked for irked me even more- little things again. I sat down. She kept talking animatedly to this random person for another 5-10 minutes. I sat there pissed, feeling like absolute shit and couldn't take it anymore so I promptly stormed out of the pub. I heard her saying 'Are you ok man?' I snapped yes and kept heading out. Quite frankly I couldn't believe that she could do this ie be so insensitive on this day of all days. I was just wrecked with all these thoughts of DT and of how I'd got there too late and could have done more etc. We had been talking re this 'personal' stuff and then suddenly thatdidn't seem to count for anything and she's off. Complete change of tone of voice. everything. The fact that she introduced me to the guy in the odd depersonalised. 'This is a colleague' way that she seems to reserve for these sort of occasions hadn't helped. Despite signals to the contrary she just cannot recognise me as anything more than a vessal who sits at the bar and drinks with her. That hit me right there. I went out the pub. Wandered up Leith Walk. I genuinely felt as if I was at the lowest possible ebb. I felt truly alone. I walked past all these people who looked happy, who looked content. I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way. I thought about heading straight for North Bridge. That would be dramatic. That would be spectacular. It would really be a grand gesture. The only one I've ever made in my life. Somehow I found my way into a Taxi and ended up home amongst all the squalor therein. I can recall that I booted a few inanimate objects around for a while. I sat down in what genuinely was the nearest I have been to total despair. I phoned CH and rambled at him for a while. As ever he was great in these situ's. He txted me later in an act of pure friendship and asked if I was ok. I tried to phone KB. I phoned mum (fucking hell) and broke down again. I just did not know where to turn. Rather stupidly I phoned TLK. She didn't answer. I didn't expect her to. I left a very drunk sounding message. I just didn't know what to say. I wanted her to phone me. I wanted to talk to her. I ended up aplogising and then regretted it immediately. Aye, ok, I shouldn't walk out on anyone but I really felt that she had done a very nasty thing. Of course in hindsight it was probably no more than a drunk insensitive kinda thing flitered through my feelings for her and my own total intoxication. After phoning folk I soon realised how totally smashed I was. I also had a thumping headache which normally means that I barf..and I did. Tried to get some sleep. Woke up every hour on the hour. Had the shivers. Had more of the lowest feelings I've had in all my life. Finally got up early on Monday. Felt physically not as bad as I thought I would. Emotionally I was just shot. I couldn't think of what to do. I decided to just have a shower and head for work even if it was pretty early in the day. Got there in a daze. Found a very business like vibe going on. The boss was stressed and was trying to take care of everything herself. I tried to speak to her and passed on that there were things myself and TLK would like to do, if we could. She gave this suggestion very short shrift. I really didn't know where to put myself. The day went so slowly. I tried to phone TLK and left a message just asking her to phone me re work stuff. She didn't phone back. This hurt me even more tho' I felt as if I was in an impossible position as she was probably upset, hurting and pissed off at me so therefore any call I made to her would seem to be unwanted in some way. I felt at the time that there were work things she needed to know about and that she had asked to be told about before I stormed off. She didn't respond. I was totally unable to take on board any sort of rationale or owt like that. My head had just completely gone off somewhere. I got through Monday thanks to a flurry of work in the afternoon, a wee chat with JP, an old colleague of mine, and through talking to KB at night. I felt things starting to fall into place a wee bit. KB pointed out that he felt I was 'starting to get emotionally dependent on this woman'. I thought about this for some time and he was right. For so long now almost everything I've thought about has contained an element of TLK influence in there eg I can't go there in case I bump into TLK, if I do this at work then maybe TLK will spend an extra 5 mins with me, what will TLK make of this? etc. It sounds ridiculous but this is the way I have been thinking. Recently during DT's illness and work troubles I've looked to her a lot for input and advice and ultimately I get totally consumed by dwelling on what she thinks of me/what she truly sees me as /makes of me etc etc. On reflection I realised a lot of elements of her character that I don't like. I recalled a lot of mixed signals she gave me ie where she can be very friendly one minute and then totally different the next so therefore I just don't know where I stand with her. Quite simply she doesn't give me the emotional support and back up that I want and need from a pal so therefore she probably isn't a real pal. I've tried to give her some support/ back up etc when I thought she looked to me for it and in her mixed kinda way I know now she doesn't really want it from me even tho' she may look for it in a compartmentalised 'pint + chat after work' way. I've let my very strong feelings for her influence my actions generally particularly the stance I've taken at work during these recent 'troubles'. I've been too 'tight' with her on certain issues. Not been honest enough. I feel as if I try to give her a lot of my energy, my thoughts, my feelings and I truly get nothing in return. I suppose I've let my feelings influence the way I am with her. I''ve not done it in a sleazy way because I ain't like that, it just isn't my style, but I think I wanted to get close to her and to get to know her even tho' I knew no 'relationship' would take place. I would settle for second or third best just so I could spend some time with her. Because I'm so lonely and 'sad' I've been clinging on to some bizarre feeling I had that she was a real friend. Aye she can be hard to read. She's a very reserved person. Quite internalised. She is a strong strong character and she tends not to admit this but in hindsight she is pretty good at assuming control of certain situations and imposing her way. Maybe I'm painting a bad picture of her. She's not a bad person by any means. She is a very complicated one tho'. From a pal I need consistency. I need folk who you know where you stand with. It's exhausting for me to be around her. I can't imagine what she truly makes of me and maybe over the last few hours it's started to matter less to me. Yesterday just drifted past. I went into work this morning. More practicality. Some pretty glib comments from the boss re the funeral arrangements. Thought to myself that I just can't cope with all of this. Spoke to the boss. She put some of her 'practicalities' into perspective, made me focus re my feelings on death and reminded me of what I needed to do. I decided to go home early prior to my 5 days off so here I am. Since I sat down I feel a bit better. At first all I wanted to do was speak to TLK but I'm not going to phone her. Aye there are things that we said we'd tell each other about but I think Sunday has dramatically changed things. She needs to stay true to her word as well. I'm sure she isn't getting angsty re not keeping me informed about things. I'm not going to damage myself any longer. She can come to me if she wants to know something re DT. I hope that I've never hurt TLK. I genuinely don't think she bothers about me that much. She's a person who tends to keep parts of her feelings hidden so I'll never really know. I would guess she ain't thinking about me right now. She's probably thinking about DT like I am. I hope she's ok. She might be angry at me re Sunday but I remember how I felt on Sunday night after she fucked off and I feel ok about things from my pov. I don't think I caused her any real upset and of course, I hope I didn't. Jeez, I'm starting to feel some perspective coming back into the picture. I'm sorry for myself that I've been sidetracked by my feelings for her for so long. I know I'll miss DT for a long time. He was a special guy. I'm going to think about him and remember all the good stuff. I'm not going to think about anything else.
posted by Jock Gumps at 12:37 PM
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