Not Good Enough

Welcome to the Battle Of Orgreave...or not..more like any random Corporate Interweb Caff in The Weedge. Aye I've ended up here. Through for SVQ course vibes. Fucking hell. I just cannot stay awake at these things. All it takes is a mention of 'core values/rights and responsibilities/protec...' and my head is nodding. 'Officially', I put it down to the early start necessary to make it here for 9-ish but my worn out state is due to nowt much more than total and utter boredom. I just don't want to have to attempt to intellectualise what I do at ma work for the sake o' a piece o' pipper. The fact that I couldn't do the intellectual bit if I tried is a bit of a drawback of course but there's something about having to 'reflect on your practice' and stuff o' this nature that ties me in knots. It seems that I must be quite instinctive on certain things after all. I just do my work and that's it really. Having to think about it, particularly in such a jargonised way is too much quite frankly. I can't be doing with it! Anyway...not a great deal to report. Whenever I'm in the Weedge I get extremely lost. It happens without fail. I genuinely think I have a learning difficulty when it comes to finding my way around here. I've missed last buses and got hopelessly stranded here. This place doesn't make any sense! The map seems so cluttered with wee lanes and turn offs that I can't even follow it either. Somehow I found my way to Mono. I've documented my love for this place elsewhere. Sat and mooned about there for a while. Read The List. Noticed that Vashti Bunyan is playing with the biggest band in the world at the Triptych thing in April. It probably sold out before it was announced...or something..but I would like to go...even for £25. The mighty Battles are playing too but it seems to be at a club night thing with CARL CRAIG!!!!!! I won't be going to that. I just can't handle DJ Culture and the weird mixture of scamming and underwhelming 'fun' that goes with it. Those bastards The Moggers are doing a DJ set ahead of my beloved Alexander Tucker too. Of course these scourges playing records will always be more of a draw than..well..anything really. What's wrong with you people? Hanging about through here to go to see a metal fest wi KB and SM. Am slowly losing enthusiasm for it. Am losing a fair bit of enthusiasm at the moment. Anyway...enough of this pish. Not thought much re TLK today. This is probably not a bad thing. Feel again as if I have nothing to offer folk. They all seem at home in their skins. They all have 'partners' etc etc..eek.. oh aye rather bizarrely I may be going on a date next week!! I would really love to post in a negative fashion about it! but I won't give in to such 'learned behaviour'! She seems nice. Not sure she knows what to expect! She's 34 but looks and sounds like a grown up! I hope she's not too normal! My last date was last year sometime. We got on pretty well 'til we met! I just feel weird having dates at all. It feels as if I'm making silly ass attempts to join the human race. Part of me doesn't want to do that! I'm thinking futility and a' that already! Fuck! Sorry I think without feeling that outwardly grumpy I seem to be on a downer today...some folk would be deemed as wonderfully sensitive just for saying that!..I'm going to go adrift in the city....or at least riff on it for a while and then go to sleep...shit...'will you find, will you find me?'..