A Middling Affair

On Saturday night after I'd given you yer latest sporadic yet sweaty instalment I left the shithole and ventured into (ah...'one night I left my room in the evening...' you know, one day I will find a bookstore that plays Dinosaur Jr and that would indeed make me happy! Mark Eitzel. Fucking hell. There are no many people re whom I would say that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for their contribution. KB is one. Jeff Martin is another. Mark Eitzel is definately one. He really is one of the greats. A' this dedication to folk I've never met kinda makes me feel like one o' the failed contestants on Pop Idol. Particularly the social misfit ones-natch- oh Celine saved my life... I mean who am I to belittle folk's hopes and dreams...) the land of the rugger bugger. The west end was covered in the bastards. I'd agreed to meet 2 of my oldest neebors (Can I call them Mike and Bernie??! That's a crass in-joke but it would indeed make me happy! They are completely inseperable brothers both hangdog in expression. I just keep thinking o' Mike and Bernie Winters! or are they more Bernie and Schnorbitz?..mmm...old Mike must have been a bit hacked off. He falls oot wi' Bernie, heads off to Aus for a new life and has the indignity of finding that his sibling has replaced him with a St.Bernard! It must have ripped and torn a bit...) after they'd been to the Farquahar fest at Murrayfield. As I've said many times I would love to hijack the Tannoy at these things and empty the place by announcing "Could David Patterson-Barclay come to the front gate please? Thank you." These solicitors wi' their kilts and a' that. They think they're behaving like the common man! At this point I just have to say.."Hello there captain, I've got a few fundamental questions for you. You with me?" Indeed. Anyway, met up after a wee while of being on ma ain in a totally stowed pub surrounded by a' thae 'secrets of the easy yoke'. Ma mind lists badly in these situations. Thoughts of how fat I am, of how 'some cunt's been glessed', of how I don't pass as a rugger bugger, of the way people 'seem to'(maybe that's the key phrase) 'fit in' to social situations etc etc. Anyway M&B arrived and we had a good natter, revelling in normality for a while. M used to play in the band. I think the lack of the band and the talking points/ 'ways in' that he felt it presented to him for a while still rankles with him. He told me that he had played our alboom over the PA at his work (he works in a large 'entertainment complex' down south) the other day. This made me feel a mite bizarre, like one o' thae stuffed imitation dodos in the Chambers Street Museum! I can never quite sum up how I feel re the band and the music we made. I spent most of it's lifespan either worrying over losing my voice or complaining that we weren't recognised! I know we were a far better than average live band but the recordings don't quite match up. The fact that I was fat and bald presented too much weirdness for the average punter to take in too! This was definately a factor in the 'naebody likes us' stakes. If it came doon to a choice between Woomble or McLuckie they wouldn't be taking my 'wordplay' (!!!) into consideration, you know what I'm saying?! Anyway, chatted with the Winters boys for a while, felt old, felt average, felt left behind, felt fat, felt provincial. Ultimately felt tired....round about 11PM it started to hit me big time that I was working the following day- an extra shift and an unpaid one too!!! Put away the mandatory takeaway greedily- when was the last time I cooked a meal in the hovel?! Fuck...and crashed oot. Dragged masel in full of Sunday vibes. Soon found out one o' the clients was hospitalised during the night. Had to juggle things roond and ended up heading to the hospital for what turned oot to be a period of considerable heaviosity. Went back after a while. Met TLK and things got better. She was on great form and I got thae vibes again that we were genuinely supportive of each other in the work place. The day ended up with the inevitable grogs. Jeez, I am still mad about her. However on days like these I feel that we are great pals. I'm feeling rather sheepish re previous posts where I've doubted that. I mean things may change again but they're good at the moment. Long may it last. Another day off on Monday. Felt drained by yeasterday's work events. Couldn't stop thinking about DT (I'll leave you to work out who that is...I'll explain if needs be!!) and the tragedy therein. Thought about how alone I've felt in me life. In moments of perspective I do know tho' that I've probably had folk around me most of that time, even if they never quite seemed or seem close enough. DT has absolutely no one. Nada..or at least nobody meaningful, that is. I recognise a lot of me in his delusions and in his lack of 'connection' wi folk. I notice the way that he seems to make a decision and then is hit by this wave of doubt and 'second thought'. I've had times where I felt as if I was near death because no human being could surely ever function while thinking this way. I had a long time of suffering from a type of delusion and a belief I was hearing voices. This guy has had extremely severe versions of these feelings all his life and continues to have them close to death. I want to repeat earlier comments I made re the flawed make up of the human psyche and body. Surely there should be a cutoff so that a person who has limited time doesn't have to put up with mental turmnoil too. I would suggest that he has already 'suffered enough' by being on the point of death. Anyway, drifted through Monday. Went through to Kdy. Briefly met KB. It was great to see him. He was a little subdued by costly 'car trouble'. No the best. I was a little subdued by the prospect of visiting my parents in Kinghorn! I just couldn't face it and promptly headed back here! I must tell you about my folks at one point..but not just now! Went out to see the almost beyond legendary Sunburned Hand Of The Man later on. Took a 'shortcut' to get there and appeared to end up hiking along the motorway for some time! Is it possible to get lost when you're literally just round the corner from yer abode?! Aye it does seem to be the case. This wasn't a clever detour. Going to see SHOTM wasn't that great a decision either! Lame ass psychedelic wigouts and ramblings alongside Sun City Girls-esque masks and pissing about. I wasn't impressed. Really nice beards tho'. 2 of them played in the support band who had a very wispy hippy name that I can't quite recall. The singer looked and sounded like Cat Stevens and they jangled away nicely at times but got a wee bit lumpy and overly austere at others. A guy called Wounded Knee played too. I saw him once before and he did fairly standard bleepy bloppy fare. Last night he did a set that was part looped harmonica and part looped Ivor Cutler esque phraseology intoned boomily. It was a wee bit wearisome if not altogether unpleasant. The gig was at Henry's Cellar Bar. This is not a venue that has visibility as one of it's selling points. If you stand anywhere to the right of the door you'll see nothing and the best vantage point is to be found by squeezing yersel between the toilets and a pillar! Of course 20 or 30 others have this idea too! Not a great fan of the place. Rather liked The Left Bank where I saw Chris Brokaw the other night. It reminds me of a wee village hall! Seeing more gigs in there would be rather cool methinks. Met AM there last night. He's a nicely arch chap. We've known each other for a good while now. He is possibly the least 'Fife' Fifer I've ever known just in terms of his zest for life and general enthusiasm. Good old AM. Had real trouble in getting out of bed this morning even for an 11.30 start. Felt sure more heaviosity awaited...and it did... DT's health has worsened. It's not good. Yet more 'office politics' are going down. The management are a bunch of bastards. TLK met me today and gave me possibly the nicest smile I've ever seen from a human being. I suddenly felt much better. That moment got me through the rest of the day. So here I am in the land of the Interweb. The fucking Pretenders are playing now. There's a guy next to me playing a game which is making some nippy popping noises. It's freezing cold. I'm thinking of DT. I'm thinking of TLK. There isn't enough space for anything else...