Bear In Mind That I Don't Use Exclamations Anymore/ Bleeker Street

Things have been fairly settled since yesterday I suppose. Met up with CH last night. Had a guid chat. Went to see 'Manderlay' which I liked a great deal. Not quite on a par wi' 'Dogville' but still visceral/fresh/thought provoking in the truest sense etc etc. Also got quite excited re Bryce Dallas Howard. Felt as if I was being hetero scum. Which I was. Prior to leaving for The Filmhoose I got a call from A-W re our 'date' on Thur. Not sure I want to go. I think she's trying to test my resolve somewhat. She left an enigmatic msg which said 'If you're still up for going on Thursday, phone my mobile number to finalise details' OK..so far I haven't done so. I know I should but I don't think I'm up for the additional mental turmoil getting psyched up for this would give me. I know that whatever I wear, KB my image consultant will be apoplectic. I'll look wrong. I'll act wrong. I'll fuck it up basically. She seems a nice lass but I just don't know if I want to meet her. Maybe if I lost a few stone? Good lord. I accept that I'm being extremely negative re all this. There really isn't enough time to hit you with all the negative shit that I could over this subject. To sum up, naebody's ever fancied me and I feel there's nae point in liking somebody as it'll no be reciprocated. I tend to slip into thoughts along the lines of how it's only stereotypical virill stags who can attract members of the opposite sex. I have seen geeks going out wi' folk. But fat geeks? Bald fat geeks? I don't think so. Not sure this is quite the right time for a 'date' somehow. I'm going to have to decide pretty soon. Not really the 'stand her up' type so I'll tell her if I'm coming yea or nay no matter how difficult it might seem to do so. Fuck...Well today I've felt a wee bit brighter, I think. Met up with mother earlier on. Feel I should tell you about her but I just don't have the energy to properly do so as I'll go on for ever. She's an extremely 'nice' person, one of the best. She also has certain peculiarities, shall we say. I do love her a great deal tho' there have been times when we have had some 'difficulties'. She's not been very well lately either. She has angina and periods of ill health have always affected her mood. She can be quite impossible when she's not feeling well and there were moments of that today. She has an off hand way at times, a situ which still rattles me after 35 years. ..shit I have to cut this off at this point or I WILL go on for pages and pages...anyway...Had quite a pleasant day wi' mother all told. Also purchased some new claes from the fat bastard shop for DT's funeral which is now on Monday. Shit that's going to be a heavy day. Trying not to think about it too much 'til much nearer the time. Sat in Interweb land for a while then drifted into the mode of thinking re the TLK situ/trying not to think about her etc. Been turning over the old 'maybe she thinks this.../maybe she thinks I'm being..' in my head. It's fucking bullshit really...I am determined not to give in on this. Spoke for a while wi' KS at the work. Think TLK had spoken to her. It seems she was aware I was 'upset' but of course hadn't contacted me about it and had also bypassed me and talked to KS re the work stuff I'd tried to phone on Monday about. Man, I am not an arsehole. I've not hassled her or 'pursued' her etc etc. I have not given her a reason to avoid me. I haven't and all this shit for a paranoid bastard like me is fucking killing me. However quite hot on the heels of despair came the following...Later met up wi' JP, ma old work colleague. Had a real good chat with her and I think this helped me to start to get TLK into perspective. It might have come across to the BB House as character assassination of TLK but I think it all just helped me to focus on how daft I've been and why she tends to behave as she does and why I get drawn into it. I honestly think that I turned the corner in the coupla hours I spoke wi' JP. I think I've realised that TLK has managed to break my heart on several occasions..without even going out with me. I have almost literally thought about nobody else for the past year. On the whole knowing her has caused me almost nothing but pain. I don't get anything from her in terms of real support or friendship. I really don't and the times when I've thought that have just been delusions or simply when I've wished so badly that that was the case. I have had enough and I am going to change. Godamnit...felt a surge of strength (it's amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own willy...good old pre-overkill Billy Connolly) and phoned A-W (I am absolutely dying to use exclamation marks but I shall not do it). Jeez man, she sounds really lovely. I think I will meet her after all. I may even have a haircut/buy some mair claes etc etc. Crazy...that about sums it all up...