Captain

Oddly peeved re the spammy 'comment' left on here. Next it'll be 'make your cock break through walls' or 'get your 'meds' online'. It kinda puts into solid form at last a' thae tumbleweeds I expected to blow through here as a matter of course. It's helped to make me feel kinda shite. Not really sure why. Maybe it's all down to an exemplar of some absurd + perverse inclination towards me having 'an artistic temperament'. For fuck's sake man, this week has been a total maelstrom and in the middle of it all I'm thinking how my 'creative integrity' has been impugned. I continue to disappoint masel with monotonous regularity. Feel weary today. Thinking about debt and the prospect of having nae money. NEED to go back to the debt counsellor I saw after xmas but I just can't motivate masel to do it so instead I hang aboot thinking re how deep in the shit I am while it gets worse and worse by the second. Obviously still thinking about DT too. Christ, it's hit me the funeral is on Monday. How heavy is this going to be? Pretty scary I would guess. My mind will be full of him and the tragedies therein. It will also be full of TLK and the shite of the situ therein. Add to this the ongoing work 'struggles' and it can't be anything but a testing day. I will see it through for DT tho'. The guy deserves it. Already agreed to meet up with AM later on on Mon. This will be great from the pov of having good company/distraction (shit that sounds crass when written down) but it also guards against getting embroiled into anything with TLK. Now that KS is back at work (she's been off sick for a while) tho', TLK will probably 'hang out' with and stay close to her which will be good for me. That was very much the way it went when I started there. They were a close unit. KS never excluded anyone tho' while TLK can give off these sorta vibes. I honestly can't predict how relations with her will go at the work. She can be very hard to predict. I would guess that rather than being annoyed at me she probably isn't even thinking about anything slightly related to me so in my eyes she will come across as distant/evasive etc. I need to break down these feelings and the impulse to filter everything through her. I intend not to make any attempt to remain close to her. That sounds a tad absurd but I have to be extremely firm. I have many many flaws but I think I've seen a fair bit of her character that I'm not going to put up with any more. I need to cut her off and she probably isn't bothered so in theory it shouldn't be hard at all. I've started off with odd wee psychological stuff. Doubt if there's any way I can tell this story without sounding like a total psycho but I kept all the txt messages she ever sent me. All of them. Stored away in my crappy wee phone. Not sure why. I think I saw them as the only tangible tokens of 'affection' (FUCKING HELL...I really NEED to use exclamation marks right now...) she had ever given me. They stayed there as an example o' ma desperation rather than anything else. Well, I got rid of them all yesterday. I cried while I did it. I made it worse (or was it better??) by playing Catpower's 'colors and the kids' while I was doing it. The combo made me cry buckets. The song normally does that without any TLK stuff coming to mind anyway and it worked last night. Felt oddly cleansed after it so I put on 'Let There Be Rock' and then went for a lengthy walk ending up round about Saughton prison of all places at midnight. I suppose I was looking for a big melodramatic experience to 'legitimise' the blowing away of cobwebs and the symbolising of a new start etc. The fact that I ended up outside a prison perhaps didn't have the 'meaning' or subtext I was looking for but then I'm a clumsy/ 'incomplete' kinda dude. I can never achieve the perfect moment, it seems. Maybe that's a true reflection of me so in a funny way it was apt that I should get my metaffers jumbled. Anyway, where am I? I just dont know...natch...ha ha but in real terms I'm in the middle of a stupid ass gentrification project prior to the meeting with A-W tonight. Had a hair cut. Going to fire down to the fatties boutique and purchase some designer tents..using credit of course. Then will even have a shower and a shave. Am trying to stay positive re tonight tho' in all honesty I'm not thinking about it that much at the moment. I dare say I shall keep you informed how it went. What else do the next few days hold? Going to see SM's new band on Sun. Will try desprately not to think about DT for most of the next 3 days. Will probably think a lot re TLK tho' I will try my damndest not to. Fuckin' hell man, I feel jaded today. Maybe I've been 'spiked'? Aye I probably have...