The Rest...

.. started to feel a bit weird PM Friday...shit that's a glib beginning. I'm dying to get all silly on yo ass and say ..well a wee bit mair weird than normal..ha ha.. which I suppose I've ended up doing. Kinda inevitable I suppose but still no that welcome. Ditto re my mood 'change'. Have found myself ruminating on my usual stuff (more of which later) but also getting totally fixated on my excessive use of exclamation marks on past posts. These feelings reveal the pretentious arsehole in me but the exclamations reveal the daft wee bairn in me/my inner and covert desire to adopt a cheeky and positive early 90's indie kid persona and I don't really dig it that much. I suppose my excuse for including them is to make the stuff I write more 'conversational' in tone. I still want to do that but these ticks make me sound like some 'thumbs aloft Macca person' and I wish to try to avoid that big time. I'm going to have to improve the way I write to get round accentuating everything with an exclamation as I would do before. Not sure I have that much room for improvement but I will just have to try godamnit. I'm so embarassed at the sheer volume of the fucking things on some of the posts. Jeez..This really bothers me ...Where was I? Aye...I left you on Thur prior to continuing my dressing up vibes for the 'date'. I visited my usual lardy boutique in the West End and purchased a coupla things. It's a deflating shoppe to go into. For a start the prices are quite simply ridiculous but some of their stuff is rather nice. It is one of the few places I can get relatively decent stuff in my size. The staff there can be invasive and very hard selly. (After using that phrase, I can't get Ian Selly out of my mind. I think he was an Arsenal journeyman who signed for Fulham at the start o' the Al Fayed 'revolution' and then got permanantly crocked. Oh the (non) pathos therin. It's a nicely silly name. I really wish Tal Selly would become a household nimm so we could say it more often. Maybe it comes from my days of watching 'Telly Selly Time' on Tiswas. Christ... infantile/male diversion...ahem...) It's like Grace Brothers (complete with measuring tapes nailed roond the neck) if it was staffed by a mix of humanities students and Colin Montgomery lookalikes. One of the hey-students appears to use a voice box transplanted from an old boss I used to have when I worked in Cupar and to also have the same personality. It's quite eerie. I feel like saying to him "Paul, is that you?" He's had the world's first brain transplant, I'm sure of it. Anyway, I can't stand the knowing/gleeful looks you get from them as a fat person when you go in. They look dead chuffed whenever they see me as if they've found the veritable apogee of their target audience. Ah, here's a man with a Crabtree gut. He looks introverted too. He may be trying to buy normality/personality/a normal personality. Now there's someone who will clearly spend loads of £ on 'designer outsize clothing'. The man with the brain of Paul Larg was virtually rubbing his hands together when I came in..some nice commission from this bloater methinks...anyway, scored 2 items at a cost of ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY NINE POUNDS all in. Reeled in shock back to the shithole and tried to dress up a 20-stone turd in Ben Sherman. Had the usual low thoughts and vibes prior to going on the date 'ritual'. But...when I met A-W that all changed (imagine an exclamation right now please). Bloody hell. I think we got on well. I liked her. I'm pretty sure of that. She was bright. Forthright. Very honest. Great company. Great fun...shit...not totally sure what she made of me tho' she did say that she 'felt comfortable' around me. This made me happy. It's probably the least 'date-like' date I've been on and that worked for me as my head tends to get caught up in trying to act in the way that I feel 'a normal person' would act in a certain situ. On reflection I think I mentioned the war a few times and hopefully got away with it. In this case the war took the form of 1) a genuine question re the type of sink in the ladies toilets(explanation available on request) 2) The appearance of a snotter on my upper lip. I took the honesty route and told her that I was aware of it and that the conversation would be suspended til I dealt with the offending blob of mucous (please recall above note re inserting a certain grammatical device at this point) 3) the mention of 'a colleague at work who I had an unrequited thing about' ie TLK. I felt so at ease with her that I mentioned it as it was on my mind and it did kinda come in the context of what we were talking about. I have to say that it probably wasn't ideal to mention this but I just didn't want to hide stuff. I also felt it would help me in the ongoing process of getting rid of TLK thoughts and 4) the mention of this blog. Blogs were one of the first topics that came up. I kinda dove in by saying that I had one of my own. She then expected me to clarify it's topic. I said that it was a 'personal one' and tried to change the subject. Later she came back round to it and I had to elaborate a wee bit more and I mentioned about the type of things I wrote in it. This was where the TLK reference came in. I'm not sure that I'm quite ready to let A-W see this as yet tho' of course she may be reading it right now. I'm feared she'll think I'm a) obsessed with TLK b) insane c) 'a psycho' and d) am the perfect embodiment of 'paranoia man in cheap shit room' (thanks MES), all of which may or may not be true but what I'm most bothered about is that she'll see those exclamations, find out I'm a joke and realise she has 'seen enough'. I don't want that to happen. There were a number of highlights for me on Thur night. One of which was the fact that she had seen 'Dogville' and wanted to see 'Manderlay'. Another was when she said she had written a screenplay. Another was when I noticed she had lovely eyes. There were others but I'll start sounding like Michael Buble if I continue. Much to my delight we are going to be meeting again next week. Of course me being a negative mofo, I'm thinking of one of the last folk I had a date with. The first one went well. She seemed very different on the second one and then sent me a txt which said that 'we weren't compatible'. Look, all I'm saying is that I hope that doesn't happen here. I probably need to add at this point that the 'different on a 2nd date' person had said on a number of occasions that she really liked Joss Stone. I just couldn't get this out of my head. I kinda knew we were 'incompatible' because of that but also because of 'other factors' too. Anyway...walked home on Thur night feeling ok about things. Looking forward to seeing A-W again already..jeez...so therefore why I woke up feeling very poor on Friday was something of a mystery as well as a blow. I felt directionless as I often do on days off and didn't know what to do. Got down re debt but didn't call the counsellor. Felt a fair degree of despair...I always feel so self conscious writing things like that. I can't get over thinking that it's the sort of thing a 15 year old middle class nu metaller does in an attempt to facilitate his first fumble. Shit man I just don't know how else to explain what/how I'm feeling. Well, the old movement in my brain sent me out into the rain and I wandered along in the vague direction o' Prionces Street via the moby repair shop where I paid £15 to rectify a 'charging issue' (the inclusion of that line just makes me feel like Terry Medford), I then got copiously shat on by a bird, probably a blood red one to boot. This was not the most pleasant of experiences. My mind went straight back to the pigeon which masel and KB saw eating vomit a coupla weeks back. Fuck. Anyway, sacrificed 2 hankies in an attempt to clean the schecht. Immediately after this I continued on ma route and bumped into TLK's best pal. Quite frankly,I didn't know how to react. She asked if I'd seen TLK. I felt a huge weight crashing down. All I said was 'no' but I think I said it in a way that invited no debate. I could see her looking and her mood changing, sensing something was going down. She mentioned that TLK had told her I 'had left the pub' on Sunday. I think I just grimaced. She started to ask if we'd had an argument but then before I could answer said ' don't worry about it, It's TLK' (obviously I'm paraphrasing). This made me rather angry. Shit, I'm almost greeting in the Interweb caff as I write this. She then remembered TLK's occasional tendency to say crappy things while drunk and asked with a knowing look 'What did she do? What did she say?'. I couldn't answer her and I hoo-hah'd for a bit, wanting to tell her but realising I couldn't. She then made to go and said 'I'm sure I'll see you soon with TLK' I just mumbled 'maybe' at her. I had lost it. I realised that I didn't have anwhere to go in particular so I turned roond and made for the interweb caff which was in the direction she was going. I said 'I'll get you along'. Don't know if this freaked her out a bit but she suddenly seemed uncomfortable. Maybe she thought my mood was 'intense' or something, which it probably was but only internally. She appeared to make for the first shop she came to and said 'I'm going in here' . We then had another wee chat where she stated again that she wanted to know what was 'up'. I couldn't tell her but daftly said 'look, do you want to know?'. She decided that she didn't and then we went our respective ways. It was a very odd meeting. Strained/ fraught. A big contrast to how it usually is with her. I wandered about again. Back to the land o' the Interweb. Was too muddled to write about it. Ended up in the shithole....where it normally does. Couldn't handle being alone. Got a txt from CH so we met up for a while and had some scran and chat. I think we were both a bit down and it felt good to be around a kindred spirit. We thought re going to see some indie rock at the backpacker's place in the west end. Hope I didn't put him off but I'd heard a track by the band in question, Econoline, earlier on in the day and I couldn't get the singer's mumbly indie vocals out my mind. I didn't really want to go. I remember one spectacularly drunken night in Swampy's Bar where I started shouting at some rubbish band with a guy who sounded like Andrew Eldritch on vocals. I couldn't handle it. It's made me sheepish 'bout going to Swampy's ever since. Came back once again to the shithole. Loneliness. This is a thing I feel so self conscious writing about, I suppose because it's such a well documented phenom. I just feel edgy and dull (ha) writing about my own as if there's no way I could ever add anything. Last night I felt loneliness akin to the post DT/TLK feeling on Sun. It was truly horrid. So here I am once more (I can't resist getting thae geek culture refs in) in the depths- skint, living in self imposed squalor, alone, alone, alone. My mind rambled over TLK. I'm clearly nowhere near 'getting over her'. I still want to see her. I also never want to talk to her again. Should I be angry with her? Am I angry with her? Am I just angry with me? How am I going to react when I see her? I moved onto thoughts o' work and had these feelings of never wanting to go back. I associated work so strongly with a chance to be with her and to see her that it just didn't hold ANY attraction at all now. Even tho' there were days when she almost ignored me anyway I can't stand the prospect of going in to work and not having that illusion of being close to her. I just didn't know where to turn last night. I think I physically tired myself out with all of it and thankfully I crashed out . Of course I dreamt about her but I didn't expect anything different. So this morning. The weekend. The children of the solicitors of the world scuttle about enjoying 'leisure time'. I abhor the certainty and the completeness these bastards present. Oh we're going to the Meadows. We're going to meet Roy. We're going to Grand Cru. Fuck you and yer world you wee shites....powerful stuff eh?...Debt's been the thing this mornin'. My credit card seems to be maxed. Limited budget til pay day. I probably owe £50, 000 or somnething like that. A financial institution of some kind has been trying to contact me ALL week. 2 0r 3 times a day plus txts. I'm trying to put it off, to avoid it. It's a recurring theme...