Cling Film Over The Porcelain

So it's Sunday. Last night wasn't too clever. Felt very bad. Think I'd started to realise that it's DT's funeral on Mon. There are times when I really can't stand being alone. They seem to be becoming more frequent. That's all I need to complete the set. I'm a sad man. I'm a lonely man. I maybe come across as an angry man. The more I mention it I become a needy man too. Ultimately the way the world works is that you have to remain silent about yer feelings. Obviously there is a kinda reason for this. ie it genuinely would be pretty shite if everyone you met fired into the exact detailed description of the whys and wherefores re their mood/problems etc but I still feel that 'we' (ie the human race. Fucking hell. maybe it's me who's been to the Findhorn Foundation after all. I too have went on the insistent obsessive search for 'meaning') can work on the way we interact wi' each other. I'm not saying take on everyone's baggage of course but maybe I think we could listen to each other a bit mair. I particularly dislike the way that folk ask if you're ok and then get pissed off when you say 'well, no'. I realise I risk coming across as a psycho but godamnit I want honesty from folk. I want to be able to take them at face value. My thought processes today seem to demand this. I want to know how you feel about me. I will try to tell you how I feel about you. I'm going to try to do that from now. The other way seems to fuck me up. BTW no I have not been 'at the waccy baccy'. Anyway, swiftly moving on...Had a restless night. Thought I was going to fall into a nadir but strangely didn't. Felt ok when I woke up. Still disliked who I am and where i stay etc but then I expect that now. These thoughts appeared dulled. Maybe because it was so cold I was totally unable to 'feel' anything. The shithole was quite unfeasibly frosty. I sat for a wee while and then felt I had to get moving somewhere. Spoke for a while with CT. Don't know if I've mentioned him beforehand but we knew each other frae days of 'activism' (one day I'll tell you mair) and mutual residence in T-Hall, a dingy part of Kirkcaldy. He is probably the brightest person I've met, certainly the one most able to think things through and work out solutions etc. He moved down south a while ago, probably not long after I moved here. I miss seeing him. He has a superbly unruffled air going down. He told me that he was intrigued what 'a shaggy one' was. I feel that I shall have to try to define it further. Right here goes... the shaggy ones are young student age upper middle class males. They will have plummy accents of one kind or another. This might be refined Runcorn or simply educated Andy Irvine Morningside. They will be of the indie or at least studenty persuasion. They will be well educated or in the process of 'educating' themselves, exclusively using their 'parental contribution'. They will have tously/big/shaggy hair, either in actual fact or figuratively. They will have something 'fun and wacky' about them. They will give the impression that they find interaction with 'girls' easy and will often boast to their mates, in a Tim Nice But Dim manner of how they scored with Laura/ Hannah etc. They will adopt an air of total bemusement when non shaggy ones approach them. This is 100% calculated and is designed to show their distance from the non nubile world and their contempt for folk who cannot possibly move in their circles. They realise that if they ever 'get serious' in their conversation and thoughts then their attractiveness to wispy girls will fade and die. They dress in a self consciously scuffed manner. This is entirely contrived and is intended to show ease/self confidence/freedom ie the basic tenets of shagginess which is ultimately a device or style put in place to achieve the easy life/sex/confirmation of 'privilege' granted by upbringing/looks/ finances etc . They will never outwardly express any self doubt or inner turmoil. This again does not get them laid so therefore it is superfluous to requirements. They will never listen to 'challenging music'. This again is anti-social and 'not fun'. If they are of the indie persuasion they will know everyone in the band and they will probably DJ at a shaggy club night. They will be 'Belle and Sebastian' people and not 'Merzbow' people. They may adopt ninny-ish dancing styles. This is particularly prevalent in shaggy ones from the weege. They may occasionally get away from the urban sprawl and betray their roots in affluent villages by getting involved in 'outdoor activity'. This will provide more scope for 'clowning around' in a gormless manner which their intendeds will always love. All a Jeremy/ Matt/ Ben/ Sam needs to do to 'pull' is pretend to fall off his snowboard. This will provide a whole term's worth of flirty chat. They will be morbidly obsessed with style but will never admit it. The best way to spot one is to listen for exaggerated laughter, look for frottage on the dancefloor and to look out for me crying into my beer while I look at them from the side. In fact, no, the best way to find one is to think of Simon Amstell and then go figure...I hope that clears it up... CT indicated that he intended to become 'a shaggy one' and train me in the ways. I blackly welcomed the prospect of that. Now where was I?...my mood remained fairly high after speaking to CT. After that spoke briefly with JP. Again she helped to get my TLK feelings into perspective. Felt a bit like Gareth Cheeseman but somehow this was ok for a lifelong Boo Radley..the Robert Duvall one not the Sice one of course..anyway as ever, I've ended up in the land of the Interweb. They played the Les Ferdinand LP again. Whenever the lovely Chloe Sevigny French lass (to give her full emancipated hetero scum name) is on shift, this album plays on a loop tho' she seems to have added a Gypsy Kings record to her selection. Maybe I should ask her if she's 'a Merzbow person'? Maybe not. Trying not to think of work and DT's funeral tomorrow. Trying not to think of seeing TLK again. It seems to be working at the moment. Would like to speak to A-W again. She told me on Thur that it was her birthday yesterday so I sent her a wee txt last night. I'm desperately trying to break the damaging over analysis thing I have going on as a matter of course. It's formed from 35 years of habit. It's a bastard to shake off but of course I have to keep trying. I'm determined that I shall give you none of the usual bullshit when it comes to A-W as I will not be thinking it at all. Shit man. It has to be new start time. I want to write off the last year, I really do. It's been a total mess in so many ways. TLK. overspending. weight gain. grog. general stupidity. 'death games'. 'learned behaviour. Utter crap all of it. I've been dying to use this phrase since I first thought of borrowing it... 'Mockingbird Wish Me Luck'...ha ha..