Patterson Thompson
Not sure I can recall much o' Tue night and Wed. I might move 'off message' (ha) and state that imo they merged into a soggy, saggy mess o' ma ain misery and boredom and loneliness and goddamn laziness...that would probably be a fair thing to say tho' I feel self conscious about saying that AGAIN. It seems that I'm trying to distance masel from ma ain thoughts now. I can guess that I left the house intending to 'wander' in a dramatic blowsy style on a few occasions and I know that I would have just came back to the shithole when I couldn't be bothered going further than the nearest foodie place. One thing I can mind about Tues night was KB phoning. I think he has psychic abilities. I was starting to dwell hard on the A-W rejection!!!!....fucking hell...you HAVE to allow me a few of 'them' there...but KB phoned without having read the blog and I was able to speak about it to the extent that a chunk o' perspective returned. Aye I liked her but I only knew her for a short time. I was daft to feel that she might possibly have 'liked' me. That was way too quick. I had quickly fallen into the old 'I am completely unattractive and I will never 'gan oot wi' a berd' ways. To me this feeling isn't delusional. It has become HARD FACT in ma heid. I've just had too much of a similar vibe when I've entered into these areas wi lasses. I know that I'm going to have to learn to get used to the solitary man thing. There are times when it seems off kilter romantic and appealing but these times are rare....anyway, to be honest with you folks I've felt wrong this week. All over the pliss. Debt's been on ma mind to a nastily intense level but I can't face doing anything about it. Facing up to it would mean cutting back and not being able to waste money. This has become an act that has defined me for some time now. There are very few things that I would readily admit to being 'good' at. Wasting money/time/ma ain resources (that can take many forms...make of that statement what you will) are undoubtedly some of them. In terms of money frittering, well I've found a lot of ways to do that eg gorging on junk food, using the Interweb outside when I pay for access in here, taking taxis to the other side of the town, being unable to resist temptation and generally living 'outside my means'. That's where most of the cash for the 'consolidation' loan went. Basically I pissed it away. Since TLK came on the scene I must have spent a fair whack on grog as well. At least I'm working on that, he says rather desperately. Making a conscious effort to avoid liquor. In a strange detour I had a drink on Tues night tho'. There was a tin o' Stella sitting in the fridge. It had been there since before Xmas. The night time's the right time to 'pull your shoulder out of it's socket and to ride on the rocket' etc. For me it's also the right time to feast on junk food. I'd eaten a large amount of stodge but forgot to buy any liquids. I had a raging thirst. The tap water in the shithole is undrinkable so I was looking at this tin for some time thinking how cold it would be. I thought fuck it and drank it quickly like a tin o' fizzy juice. Weird. It didn't feel at all as if I was drinking grog. I've been in bars a few times since then and stayed on the soft stuff. Internally I know I didn't see it as 'cheating' and I still ken that I do want to gie up the grog. I would like to think I'm going to manage this pretty well. It'll probably be another method for distancing masel frae TLK tae. I'm pretty certain she saw me as nowt mair than a drinking buddy and at times just wanted someone to accompany her into pubs. As much as 99% of me wants to phone her every part of the day and spend time with her (a slightly romanticised notion) but the 1% has to take over and work on methods for distance. These thoughts make ma heart sink but I just have to do them for the sake of ma sanity. I had started to think that just because I had 'fallen out with her' (that indicates a feeling that we were pals at one time. I know that TLK in her composed and contained way will never outwardly refer to us as being pals now) then I would feel differently about her. Last week has shown me that that is utter crap. I'm going to feel like this about her for a considerable period of time and I have to deal with it. It's as easy as that...Aye I'm a wasteful person with money. I like having the power to fritter. It's always appealed to me. I was 'oan the seek' (years of madness in Templehall) for years and had nae cash. Ever since I've been 'Fit And Working Again' (HA HA) I've loved spending freely. I had the feeling that everyone else was doing it so why not me? The shaggy ones never seemed to have money troubles. That was what brought in the credit cards and the loans and shit like that. That's what's brought me to the place I'm in now. Aye...the feeling o' ma heid being askew carried on into Wed. The hazy and detached feelings I had on the days of DT's death and his funeral have continued. It appears to me as if I can't catch up with my life even tho' I'm idling. Events are unfolding away from me and I can't do anything about them. Lasses I like don't want to see me again...hell...I'm over 50 G's in debt...ah well...I weigh over 20 stone...what do you want me to do about it?....I'm doing a lot of things that are very very very bad for me (maybe one day I will explain fully)...but I like doing them...Part of me has recognised I need to break away from these trains of thought but the main part can't kick into action and break though all this learned submission. My befuddlement didn't help with putting in a good honest day's work. I was on ma ain wi' an inexperienced agency worker and a relief member of staff who I don't always get on that great with. I had to take the lead in most matters which I can do because I do believe I know how to do my job but I never feel comfortable in terms of 'delegating' or assigning tasks. The relief person also doesn't like doing certain jobs and will attempt to get out of them as much as possible. The boss thinks she's great and supports her unfailingly, something she just doesn't do for TLK, KS and masel. She has complained to the boss about us on a number of occasions mostly along the lines of 'they keep giving me these jobs' etc etc. The boss takes these gripes on board verbatim and sees them as examples of her 'not being considered as part of the team' but, as ever, does not directly address them with you, preferring to feed them back to 'higher' management as examples of 'poor teamwork' and 'bad practice'. The boss's complaints and issues with you drip down eventually and I've gradually became aware of beefs she's had with me but neither her or the depute have ever raised them directly at supervision or in any other 'official' forum. Going back tae the relief worker there are a number of communication issues with her and she's very impatient when it comes to learning certain tasks, something which makes helping her with them very frustrating indeed. Spent most of Wed on the phone trying to sort out matters related to a client who had just come out of hospital. Again felt cast adrift 'and left to get on with it' and as if I was on ma ain...and I was...Poor back up procedures...staff shortages.....lack of staff training...the full works...poor vibes...I can sum up the rest of Wed by saying I left work, came to the land of the Interweb for a wee while...and began eating...you don't need to hear anymore...somehow crawled intae work on Thur. Totally knackered. The dislocation continued. It seemed as if the day hadn't started. I was asleep somewhere and dreaming, probably of TLK or a family size bag o' Doritos. The 0870 and 0800 numbers rang all day between 9 AM and 9PM. They're closing in. One day I'll maybe answer them. I don't feel like doing that now. I know that after a while folk will start coming to the door. I can handle the calls . I don't know if I can handle visits. I knew the day at work would be busy and it proved to be the case. Probably the busiest day I've ever had. No exaggeration. Constant ringing phones. Lots of work in the diary. No time to write notes which meant I had to stay behind and do them. Stayed 2 and a half hours over my time, being constantly interrupted by more calls and more things to do. The relief worker disappeared from the project for 5 hours without explanation. This isn't the first time she's done this either. I'm not trying to bad mouth the person but I think she probably knows she can get away with doing anything because of the boss's attitude towards her and she takes advantage of this...human nature and a' that...anyway...The folk I work for quite simply do not 'do' paid overtime so the OT counts as TOIL. This irks me big time. These folk are bastards. I really wish I had the courage to tell you who they are so you can avoid them...because of a' this I was late in meeting AM and CH. Had a wee chat wi' AM first. I'm glad I'm seeing more of him these days. We've always got on well but were maybe on different 'paths' for a while (that's not meant to be as cryptic as it might sound). I really wanted him to join 'my' band back in the day. For one reason or another it didn't happen. This has ayways been a source of huge disappointment for me. It's been great to see mair o' him lately and I hope that carries on. Aye, later on masel and CH went to see Things In Herds. I saw them a few months back with Broadcast in Glasgow. They have a lovely line in delicacy and fragility going down. Homespun introspection is very much 'my bag'. You're on a winner wi' me if you can do it well. On arrival at The Cafe Royal it appeared this was a full blown 'Fence Collective' gig. Never been to a proper bona fide Fence thing before. From what I've seen they set heavy stall on the informality of their bashes. There might or might not be a deliberate attempt to create a feeling of a gig being nowt more than pals coming together to play and meet up. Now this is all well and good but tends to be a bit more satisfying if you're part of the scene. We walked in. The place was quite busy. TIH are not well known but there is a sizeable Fence buzz going about RIGHT NOW. It became apparent that these folk in the crowd were 'in the know' and were probably personally involved with 'the collective'. I had a feeling of 50 or so heads turning round to see who'd walked in. We weren't known to these folk. They seemed to be Fence people...as in they ALL seemed like Fence people or their partners. Every bloke was of chunky build, bearded and scuffed in a cuddly way- warm jerseys and much smoking of 'rollies' . They all looked King Creosote. They were probably all his brothers. Everyone was a member of the bourgeoisie. One of the lasses was even wearing a pashmina. Another one had a Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner haircut much like the lass who's ever present at undergroundy gigs who may or may not be shagging Alex Neilson. She's got a very silly haircut who ever she is...I'm so jealous of people with hair, I really am. It was couple heavy with much canoodling and other -ings that go into the couple bathysphere. Soon I was weighed down by it. Total claustrophobia. THEIR WORLD. THEIR PALS. THEIR EXPERIENCE. We sat for a while. More bearded well upholstered blokes came in. Were they all from Anstruther? Maybe they were from there in name only just like in the response you get when you say to anyone from 'Muchty 'Oh The Proclaimers came from there didn't they?' Seemingly they preferred the big city and didn't show their fizzogs in Shand country too often. Saying you're frae Auchtermuchty rather than the capital probably has more of an appeal to the tourists and Stuart Anderson fans who would be their fanbase. More authentic in a tartan way. Saying yer frae The East Neuk is probably more rootsy and 'escape the rat race' than mentioning you come frae the big city like most of these folk undoubtedly do...could anyone who knows different let me know please? Thank you. So The Pictish Trail played first. This guy is Fence establishment. He is 'Fencier than thou'. He posts on the Fence Beef Board thing as 'Fence HQ'. He might well be their 2nd in command. The way he approached his set made it all seem even more like a big pals's club or like I'd gatecrashed a wedding reception. Everyone seemed to know everyone else and constant references were made to this fact . Is this what all Fence things are like? Mr. Trail made many smug references to 'Kenny' ie King Creosote (Mr. Fence) and pissed around like someone who had plenty of scope to do what he liked. His music is fairly standard winsome songwritery fare. He actually started well. His opener was full of longing and space and he bent his back towards the end. This was a false dawn. He started using crap effects and thought it was funny. Everyone seemed to think it was. He lost the ability to finish a song and came across like a student twat. He even mentioned 'going to Uni'. I began to picture him with fellow toffs during 'raisin Monday'. His voice got plummier and I cottoned on to where he was coming from. This tied in to the inkling re location I mentioned above. He maybe does come frae Anstruther but it's only when he's staying in his 'summer house'. His profile on the Fence site talks of how his folks stay in the States..perfect..the sound of privilege..I really needed to hear more people wi' cash and confidence singing in an 'introspective' manner. Of course the bulk of society or of gig going society or of Fence gig going society (or so it would seem) are confident comfortable virill people and they like to hear their ain speaking to them while being fed the illusion or deluding themselves they are listening to delicate, tickly, cutting edge sounds. The performers (and the audience) also know that there is mileage to be gained from the opposite sex and impressionable record buyers by coming across as introspective and sensitive. Am I saying that only poor people can be introspective? Of course not and I'm trying not to even think it but that's what my heart feels at times. It's just my need to hear something that speaks to me crying out. Usually music that piles on the internal stuff with a trowel isn't worth anything. When it comes to expressing emotions you either have it or you don't. Not many do. I wish people would stop trying so hard. I've had enough of perfect people supposedly singing their hearts oot to the acclaim of other perfect people. I have this theory that the gig going and to a lesser extent the record buying public will only except songs of seeming 'pain and longing and hurt' from attractive people...who obviously are less hurt and have less that is truly 'real' and therefore awkward and misshapen going on therein. There are some exceptions to the rule but I feel that the current trend for low-key and quiet is evidence of just another hegemony of the beautiful ones , the shaggy ones etc. There aren't that many real introverts and social misfits out there. The bona fide ones will never get heard. It's the nature of the beast. They're not meant to be heard because they are social misfits. Playing with the loner and outsider image has always reaped rewards for upstanding popular people however. They're all expressing their 'individuality' and who they are by dressing up like their pals. They are showing 'sensitivity and uniqueness'. Fucking bullshit. They are walking on a virtual catwalk wishing that all the flashbulbs of the world were taking on board their style and panache. It's fact...folk like to gloat over how unmisfit like they are...by dressing up as a cartoon misfit cf the Yummy Fur and Bricolage phenomena...shit I digress..it hadn't dawned on me how popular the Fence thing is but while King Creosote probably sells a load of records the rest of the artists seem happy to play to their pals...and that' s the way they and the pals like it. I get a sense that folk are buying into the Fence mythos and brand and are playing at the idea of a rural idyll..from their one bedroom lovenests in The Meadows. My mind got caught up on issues of these kind. A general ennui took further hold. After TPT I noticed Jimmy Yorkston coming in. I like the guy's music a great deal. My mind wandered again. He's a 30-something bloke of chunky build and is quite baldy. He seemed to be shagging a lithe lissom 18 year old student. I felt my ire rising. It just got me thinking about 'the rules of attraction'. I have to say that I tend not to see many examples of people going oot wi folk away from their ain body shape and their own 'type'. I also feel that for the most part it's total bollocks when folk say that personality 'is what matters'. Utter crap. I was oddly annoyed at seeing JY and 'berd'. Not 100% sure why. Maybe it normalised him in my eyes. I started thinking along the lines that if I was a successful recording artiste who wrote 'sensitive' material would folk suddenly find me attractive? Obviously not but I got a bit mental and a bit odd internally after seeing that. It's all down to my feelings of how few examples I'm aware of of nubiles going out with non nubiles. It don't happen, that's why. If I was even more insane then I would have asked the lass hersel, so what do you see in the portly songsmith?..and I would ask masel is there a level of portliness or of fame that excludes you from being able to 'pull'? I apologise sincerely to JY and missus if I have imposed on the sanctity of their lurve. My heid flew on to delusions of grandeur re how I've never been recognised for anything. Certainly not by a lass. Nobody's ever seen me as I am. This is maybe true but that's because I obfuscate and try not to show you who I am because I don't think the real stuff is much worth seeing...and of course I've not 'done' much either. I feel unlovable to be frank and that's not anyone else's fault. That's mine. I know the only way to get round this is to work on it in the approved and time honoured manner. I couldn't stop thinking..if only I could write folky tunes , maybe someone would see through the blubber and the lack of confidence and the other 'issues'...fuck...I have doubted my sanity of late. Just thought I would tell you that...I began to feel queasy. Little Pebble came on and my stomach churned even more. This guy had an oddly Ian Hart-esque persona... if he came from Bearsden that is...he didn't came across quite as badly as Pictish but his music was truly appalling. Some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard eg
...'I could buy a chocolate bar and that would be alright but then ma waistband would get too tight'..its a return to the days of 'I used to be so careless. I just couldn't care less' and of rhyming 'glad about' with 'sad about'. It sounded like Justin Currie doing an acoustic set. Straight ahead chunka chunka guitarring. 'Pithyness'. Attempts at 'cleverness'. This is probably the thing I hate the most in music. There's nothing wrong with being bright and writing songs accordingly but it gets a bit rich when you think you're clever and you aren't. This seems to be another Fence staple. The horrid Deaf Mutes and the execrable Down The Tiny Steps have this in spades. You can either write provoking or funny or 'clever' lyrics or you can't. I wish folk who can't would just go back to writing 'songs of joy instead of burn baby burn'. I honestly don't think this quality is as 'subjective' or as 'relative' as you think either. Quality or a quality will always shine through...in the grand scheme o' things. I do realise that in this scheme of things I'm probably more akin to Michael out of Ryan's Daughter than Michael Ignatieff. In a way I'm rather happy with that but not in every sense...The Fence club loved LP. 'A jakie' appeared at the door and started shouting at LP. I was quite pleased at this because I wanted to shout at him too. Sadly the jaked one got a bit too boisterous and was asked to pay his fiver to come in. He didn't like this and got in a bit of handbags at dawn wi' one o' the club and the King himself and wobbled off into the wild wild night shouting '£5? You're a bunch of fucking capitalist bastards'. Priceless really...TIH played at the end and turned it round. You got the feeling the Club weren't quite as keen on them as 'their ain' ie Pictish. TIH are far less linear than what I've heard of the Fence stuff. More subtle. A bit more 'indie'. Far less contrived. More honest. They turned in a lovely set. They spoke to the crowd a fair bit and were friendly but they didn't converse in in-jokes a la the Pictish one. They brought warmth and genuine inclusion into play. Pete the singer has a lovely Drakey voice. It was just right. He maybe was a priviliged student but he doesn't sound like one. They have economy and nuances and elan. They also have a cover of 'The Final Countdown' which almost defies belief. They were great. I wanted to grab the mic at the end and ask folk.."Right how many of you reside all year round in the East Neuk of Fife?" Out of that figure how many of you are involved in the Fence organisation?" I would guess that most hands would have went up on the second count. Strange..very very strange...I felt this way too...went back to the shithole...didn't feel good...I was worried..about my life...about masel...I've always been a self indulgent mofo...maybe me and Pictish would like each other after all...Fri. Fuck today has been rather shit...cheap, glib, repetitive...ha ha... That heady McLuckie combo of despair/lazyness/avoidance. Started the day off with 'an act of total folly' never mind complete madness. I couldn't face seeing the debt counsellor. I didn't want to hear how bad 'it' was. What changes I would have to make. So I cancelled. It was an early AM appt and I couldn't drag masel out of bed. This had something to do with it too. What the fuck am I doing? Of course I spent the morning avoiding the pillars of the finance on the phone and thinking how much shit I was in. Had another aimless day off. Couldn't decide what to do. It was freezing cold. Damp. Grim. Kept thinking that I couldn't face up to life anymore...glibness Timothy...maybe I could go for the Paracetamols..no, I'll go to Asda instead. Mair avoidance came into play. Late on Thur, I got an msg from an agency I'd applied to a while back. Didn't expect to hear from them again after a lengthy delay but they phoned to let me know about work they had coming up. I wanted the money but didn't want to work for it or give up my time off which I use so fruitfully so I ignored the call. My head is fucking gone at the moment. I can reflect on it all I like..and I do..but I can't get over this internal barrier of making the effort to recognise all the changes I have to make...Prior to Asda I went into the land of the Interweb for a while. Got overpowered by wicka wacka guitars from the Jamiroquai LP they played on a loop..Chloe Sevigny was in. She was wearing a big flouncy black dress. It was a thrilling sight. While I was there the inevitable Aussie in the corner piqued my interest by going on about how he had left his surfboard in Argentina. Inevitable. He was a virill stag. He did genuinely mention someone called Lucinda. I wanted to ask him how many Jacinta's he knew. Braved the outside world en route to Asda. Weather wise it was miserable even for Edinburgh- raw and damp. Ate gluttonously again today. I can feel my gut growing. No I can really. Mair procrastination and dissatisfaction ( I would love to find a day to day use for that phrase 'Catisfaction' which appeared on a Whiskas advert a while back. It has such a satisfying ring to it) but got ma act together...relatively speaking... and went oot to see 'TransAmerica' I loved it. When I saw the trailers it seemed like one o' thae 'The Marketability Of Camp presents.. Priscilla/ Muriel' crowd pleasers. It isn't. It's vaguely feel goody but not really. It has characters with grit and faults and it is funny too. Lovely stuff. I ken you're supposed to say this but her frae 'Desperate Housewives' is great. Whenever I see her I'm convinced her and the lass frae 'The Sopranos' (Edie Falco) are one and the same. Has anyone ever seen them together? In a very very odd twist it seemed A-W was there in the cinema. She has a most distinctive laugh. A group o' folk came in behind me close to the time o' the fillim starting. I'm sure she was one o' them. I didn't want to have to say 'eh..hi' so after the fillim I kept my head down and walked straight out without looking anywhere other than straight ahead. It felt like the old days, avoid thae 'adult situations' at all cost..shit. No that guid. I'm no that 'adult' either. On return to the shithole I began to feel that ...the prospect of Mackaye will get me through..Going to see The Evens on Sun and Mon. They are the latest band to feature Ian Mackaye who has been the nearest I've had to a hero. He comes up with all the incomplete male trying his best schtick that I like...acht I'm no going to tell you why I like him. Go dae yer ain research. I get self conscious talking re things I like. The thought of seeing him/them lifted me and no doubt. I needed that.
I shall try to keep this brief from here on in. In real life I feel as if I've been repeating things- situations, types of despair + unhappiness. There isn't any need to foist it all on you OVER and OVER again...or at least any more than I've done it so far. I might feel like doing so cause it would be true ( FOR FUCK'S SAKE) but I don't quite know what continuing to go over it would achieve. Headed through tae Fife today. The 0800 calls appear to continue even at the weekend. At least by going out I was getting away from the home phone ringing ALL THE TIME. The moby still took a good hit. It's ma mothers birthday the morn. Thanks to work and The Evens I can't make it through then so I ended up going during the day today. Met KB before hand. I had the usual feelings of dread prior to visiting the folks so meeting him was welcome. He was on good form. He's still living in a pliss of oddly Dickensian squalor/grandeur. He appears to have a momentum to his life that I've always admired. I stand back feeling as if I'm not invited but he seizes the day. I think I am impressed. We spoke re many things. I had a lot of TLK feelings. Today I was able to rationalise for 5 mins...maybe...I also feel listened to by KB. For all the shite I talk this is a very nice feeling. He cares. I know that. He's a true friend. I basked in that for a while..then I visited the parents. Mother had just got back from somewhere. She was flustered. She can be a total nightmare when she's on edge. She ran about referring to how she 'needed to make you some tea'. This was a veiled ticking off for arriving unnanounced at tea time. (maybe I should introduce her to TLK..see below). I gave her her pressie. She won't like it. I got her some watercolour paints. She's recently taken it up and has been doing a lot of painting but she'll think the present is overkill/ extravagance. She hates that. She is truly impossible at times. Anyone seen 'Interiors'? I think the matriarch in that fillim was based on my mother. Only the class is wrong. Chatted with the folks for a while. They were both on poor form. Dad got annoyed at mother for talking loudly to her sister on the phone. " Shut the door John. They talk a lot of fucking rubbish" Mother came through and started making remarks re me spending money to get here. Mother is obsessed with financial problems. She just nags you to death re spending if she thinks you're short..or even if she doesn't...I couldn't handle it. If only she knew re the potential bankruptcy. That doesn't bear thinking about. I said my goodbyes and left. They were pressurising me to be sensible and careful and normal. It was too much. I left. I went 'hame'. I bought chips and cheese. I was alone. I cried.
Sun- Christ I'm trying to keep it as brief as possible . Aye, the general lassitude was present today but maybe a bit less so than of late. No 0870 calls at all. This doesn't mean that they're off the case. It just means that its Sunday and the pinstripe world still sticks to the old school 'weekend off' routines. Work was rather shite to be frank, more in a testingly boring way than in any back to the grind vibe but had a good chat wi' KS who's as solid and as Fife as the Lomond Hills. Phoned mother later on. She didn't even refer to the present. She sounded strained. She had just been out wi' ma brother. She hates going out and going out of her routine. She's had mental health issues very like mine. She is an extremely anxious person. Speaking to her when she's stressed reminds me of how wearing being with me must have been at times over the years. We are too alike. This causes communication issues. I made sure the call was a brief one. Met AM prior to the gig. Had a surreal moment when I noticed the difference in air quality in a smokeless pub. It didn't feel right somehow. You could breathe. Heaven forbid. Well...The Evens were incredible. I shook Mackayes hand. Things suddenly seemed simpler. Walked home in the rain and felt pretty good for the first time in some time. Even forgot about the freak outs I'd had re seeing masel in a mirror in the venue and how fat I looked in the big shirt I had on. Forgot about most things aside from the vaguest whiff o' a sense o' possibility...jesus...maybe someone's hijacked this blog..
So on on on to Monday. It's been an odd day so far. Saw a fair bit of TLK at work. Relations seemed uneasy. Christ, maybe it's me but the more I look for it the more I see how in charge of things she really is. Maybe she doesn't know she's doing it but she takes control of everything- her feelings, the plans of action as far as work goes, the whole shebang. Her attitude towards me has definately changed since we had 'words'. She has tightened her grip of the way things are between us. She has identified that I might cause her 'hassle' or be emotionally difficult for her so she has cut off ANY semblance of personal stuff between us. She has done it without saying anything directly which is obviously the most hurtful way to do it.I NEED PEOPLE TO BE HONEST WITH ME. I put the feelers out a bit today. Every comment I made about ma ain/non work stuff was met with a steely phoned in response. The fact she remains OUTWARDLY friendly just fucked with my head. She continues to talk like we did before to a point particularly when others are there but she only tells you what she wants you to know. I look for it but there is a subtext to most things she says..wee messages re what she really wants to say cloaked in pleasantries. Warnings almost. Keep away. I know she's doing it. I am mental but I know she's doing it. Oddly in the middle of all this she announced that she 'hadn't had any 'action' in some time'. It was kinda in the context of a clients 'genito-urinary health' but still seemed an odd thing to come out with. All day intimate/ personal/ friend-like comments kept coming from her. I would pick up on this and mention something personal. She would reply to this with total detachment and move the subject back to work. She's always done this to a certain extent, she clearly does have control issues, but today it was full on. I mentioned a few times how I was giving up drink. I got the far away response. I think she thought I was saying this for her benefit and trying to make a point re how I wasn't thinking about 'us' and our friendship. Another colleague brought up 'drinking' later. I mentioned again that I had given up. There was an audible sigh from TLK. She did it again the next time I mentioned something personal. I asked if she was ok. She said 'what?' I said 'you sighed' She said 'I didn't realise I did it'. I don't ken whether she works out how she's going to behave wi' folk in advance but it seems like she might. She identifies potential problems and eliminates them not by talking to the person and letting them know but by appearing outwardly friendly and then closing the door after they are drawn in. Because of my messed up feelings about her, I can't handle this right now. Stumbled out o' work. Head was totally elsewhere. Made it through to Glasgow. Saw The Evens again. They genuinely made my life better for an hour. They play music and put on shows like they should be done- all-embracing, an experience, almost a celebration.. of 'punk', of an idea of what 'the underground' is about. I got a wee bit annoyed at a young buck wi' Busted hair and a lumpy bloke in a MADBALL tee standing near by but then remembered the spirit of the gig and things got better. Clearer. They are people. At times I don't feel part of the human race but I am and there are times when I like this fact, when I like people. I think The Evens helped me to understand and appreciate that, even if just for a short time. Lately, ever since I defaulted on a coupla things and the 0800 calls started I've been in a netherworld of avoidance. When I go out and do something I'm ok but as soon as that's out the way I'm fucked and I think of debt mostly. This ain't good (ha). I do feel invaded and as if 'there's a war on' and I'm living in crisis mode..maybe I am...I need to cast this off...ha fucking ha...Finally on to today. Had a heavy one in the morning. More scary post came through the door. In theory I left this behind and went to scatter DT's ashes. More like I carried it with me all day. We found the location D had wanted and TLK, another colleague, masel and his best pal scatted the ashes into the river. It was genuinely moving. I cried again. TLK was professional and reserved. Once again it annoyed me how in control she was. I felt as if I'd had enough o' work and of the situ I'm in. TLK did an oddly nice thing then. Before heading back tae the city the 3 o' them had a fag. TLK saw I was doon and offered me one. I think it was genuine. If it was I was kinda touched, I think. Backhanded maybe but still touching. It seemed crazy to be carrying on as normal after DT had been literally thrown away but dutifully I went back tae work and got on wi' Tuesday. Back in the office affairs carried on as yesterday but somehow a bit worse. She did it all day...friendly/ steely, friendly/ steely..all the time. Depite all this I still wanted to be with her or maybe I just wanted some company from anyone, the debt thing was taking over and I had an image of DT telling me about Wilfred Pickles back in my cranium. I was teary and bereft. Before I left TLK took some of the ashes that were left in the bottom of the urn and said she would put them in a locket she had. Some ashes were left on the desk. I said "don't tidy them up. It'll be nice to have him here. Part of the furniture" Part cliche'. Part sadness. I started greeting again. I'm greeting now when I'm writing this. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to know 100% where I stood with her too. To test the waters I left work at the same time as her. In the past this always signified going to the pub. Today she took charge. She kept chatting faux warmly and steered us across the road past both the pubs we tended to go to. She also made an early detour away from the direction I would go in to get hame. This is as clear as she will ever make it. Part of her bars the other part from telling me to fuck off or go away. So she does it by implication. This might change if, for some reason, she ever wants to see me again. I felt pleased in a way to have it spelt out but I also realised that this was TLK I was talking about. I sank down. I walked up the road. I went past the place where I stormed out of on the day DT died. I went past places I've gotten very drunk with her. The 0800's rang again. I drifted into feelings of ending it. These got worse. I would literally go to the bridge. I would jump off. I would leave a letter for KB. I don't want any religion at the service. I want to be burned. No shirts and ties are allowed. The family wouldn't understand. I'll send a valediction to TLK. I'll tell her everything. I'll write the letters and I'll do it tonight. I believe that I was in utter despair at that moment. What is there in my life? I'm unfanciable. I'm not a good pal. I've done a catalogue of stupid things. I'm £50,000 in debt and and and...I hope I've come round a bit now. Back to reality or sanity. I know these moments will come again. They won't get any easier to face. I suppose I'll have to face them. There isn't any other option...
...'I could buy a chocolate bar and that would be alright but then ma waistband would get too tight'..its a return to the days of 'I used to be so careless. I just couldn't care less' and of rhyming 'glad about' with 'sad about'. It sounded like Justin Currie doing an acoustic set. Straight ahead chunka chunka guitarring. 'Pithyness'. Attempts at 'cleverness'. This is probably the thing I hate the most in music. There's nothing wrong with being bright and writing songs accordingly but it gets a bit rich when you think you're clever and you aren't. This seems to be another Fence staple. The horrid Deaf Mutes and the execrable Down The Tiny Steps have this in spades. You can either write provoking or funny or 'clever' lyrics or you can't. I wish folk who can't would just go back to writing 'songs of joy instead of burn baby burn'. I honestly don't think this quality is as 'subjective' or as 'relative' as you think either. Quality or a quality will always shine through...in the grand scheme o' things. I do realise that in this scheme of things I'm probably more akin to Michael out of Ryan's Daughter than Michael Ignatieff. In a way I'm rather happy with that but not in every sense...The Fence club loved LP. 'A jakie' appeared at the door and started shouting at LP. I was quite pleased at this because I wanted to shout at him too. Sadly the jaked one got a bit too boisterous and was asked to pay his fiver to come in. He didn't like this and got in a bit of handbags at dawn wi' one o' the club and the King himself and wobbled off into the wild wild night shouting '£5? You're a bunch of fucking capitalist bastards'. Priceless really...TIH played at the end and turned it round. You got the feeling the Club weren't quite as keen on them as 'their ain' ie Pictish. TIH are far less linear than what I've heard of the Fence stuff. More subtle. A bit more 'indie'. Far less contrived. More honest. They turned in a lovely set. They spoke to the crowd a fair bit and were friendly but they didn't converse in in-jokes a la the Pictish one. They brought warmth and genuine inclusion into play. Pete the singer has a lovely Drakey voice. It was just right. He maybe was a priviliged student but he doesn't sound like one. They have economy and nuances and elan. They also have a cover of 'The Final Countdown' which almost defies belief. They were great. I wanted to grab the mic at the end and ask folk.."Right how many of you reside all year round in the East Neuk of Fife?" Out of that figure how many of you are involved in the Fence organisation?" I would guess that most hands would have went up on the second count. Strange..very very strange...I felt this way too...went back to the shithole...didn't feel good...I was worried..about my life...about masel...I've always been a self indulgent mofo...maybe me and Pictish would like each other after all...Fri. Fuck today has been rather shit...cheap, glib, repetitive...ha ha... That heady McLuckie combo of despair/lazyness/avoidance. Started the day off with 'an act of total folly' never mind complete madness. I couldn't face seeing the debt counsellor. I didn't want to hear how bad 'it' was. What changes I would have to make. So I cancelled. It was an early AM appt and I couldn't drag masel out of bed. This had something to do with it too. What the fuck am I doing? Of course I spent the morning avoiding the pillars of the finance on the phone and thinking how much shit I was in. Had another aimless day off. Couldn't decide what to do. It was freezing cold. Damp. Grim. Kept thinking that I couldn't face up to life anymore...glibness Timothy...maybe I could go for the Paracetamols..no, I'll go to Asda instead. Mair avoidance came into play. Late on Thur, I got an msg from an agency I'd applied to a while back. Didn't expect to hear from them again after a lengthy delay but they phoned to let me know about work they had coming up. I wanted the money but didn't want to work for it or give up my time off which I use so fruitfully so I ignored the call. My head is fucking gone at the moment. I can reflect on it all I like..and I do..but I can't get over this internal barrier of making the effort to recognise all the changes I have to make...Prior to Asda I went into the land of the Interweb for a while. Got overpowered by wicka wacka guitars from the Jamiroquai LP they played on a loop..Chloe Sevigny was in. She was wearing a big flouncy black dress. It was a thrilling sight. While I was there the inevitable Aussie in the corner piqued my interest by going on about how he had left his surfboard in Argentina. Inevitable. He was a virill stag. He did genuinely mention someone called Lucinda. I wanted to ask him how many Jacinta's he knew. Braved the outside world en route to Asda. Weather wise it was miserable even for Edinburgh- raw and damp. Ate gluttonously again today. I can feel my gut growing. No I can really. Mair procrastination and dissatisfaction ( I would love to find a day to day use for that phrase 'Catisfaction' which appeared on a Whiskas advert a while back. It has such a satisfying ring to it) but got ma act together...relatively speaking... and went oot to see 'TransAmerica' I loved it. When I saw the trailers it seemed like one o' thae 'The Marketability Of Camp presents.. Priscilla/ Muriel' crowd pleasers. It isn't. It's vaguely feel goody but not really. It has characters with grit and faults and it is funny too. Lovely stuff. I ken you're supposed to say this but her frae 'Desperate Housewives' is great. Whenever I see her I'm convinced her and the lass frae 'The Sopranos' (Edie Falco) are one and the same. Has anyone ever seen them together? In a very very odd twist it seemed A-W was there in the cinema. She has a most distinctive laugh. A group o' folk came in behind me close to the time o' the fillim starting. I'm sure she was one o' them. I didn't want to have to say 'eh..hi' so after the fillim I kept my head down and walked straight out without looking anywhere other than straight ahead. It felt like the old days, avoid thae 'adult situations' at all cost..shit. No that guid. I'm no that 'adult' either. On return to the shithole I began to feel that ...the prospect of Mackaye will get me through..Going to see The Evens on Sun and Mon. They are the latest band to feature Ian Mackaye who has been the nearest I've had to a hero. He comes up with all the incomplete male trying his best schtick that I like...acht I'm no going to tell you why I like him. Go dae yer ain research. I get self conscious talking re things I like. The thought of seeing him/them lifted me and no doubt. I needed that.
I shall try to keep this brief from here on in. In real life I feel as if I've been repeating things- situations, types of despair + unhappiness. There isn't any need to foist it all on you OVER and OVER again...or at least any more than I've done it so far. I might feel like doing so cause it would be true ( FOR FUCK'S SAKE) but I don't quite know what continuing to go over it would achieve. Headed through tae Fife today. The 0800 calls appear to continue even at the weekend. At least by going out I was getting away from the home phone ringing ALL THE TIME. The moby still took a good hit. It's ma mothers birthday the morn. Thanks to work and The Evens I can't make it through then so I ended up going during the day today. Met KB before hand. I had the usual feelings of dread prior to visiting the folks so meeting him was welcome. He was on good form. He's still living in a pliss of oddly Dickensian squalor/grandeur. He appears to have a momentum to his life that I've always admired. I stand back feeling as if I'm not invited but he seizes the day. I think I am impressed. We spoke re many things. I had a lot of TLK feelings. Today I was able to rationalise for 5 mins...maybe...I also feel listened to by KB. For all the shite I talk this is a very nice feeling. He cares. I know that. He's a true friend. I basked in that for a while..then I visited the parents. Mother had just got back from somewhere. She was flustered. She can be a total nightmare when she's on edge. She ran about referring to how she 'needed to make you some tea'. This was a veiled ticking off for arriving unnanounced at tea time. (maybe I should introduce her to TLK..see below). I gave her her pressie. She won't like it. I got her some watercolour paints. She's recently taken it up and has been doing a lot of painting but she'll think the present is overkill/ extravagance. She hates that. She is truly impossible at times. Anyone seen 'Interiors'? I think the matriarch in that fillim was based on my mother. Only the class is wrong. Chatted with the folks for a while. They were both on poor form. Dad got annoyed at mother for talking loudly to her sister on the phone. " Shut the door John. They talk a lot of fucking rubbish" Mother came through and started making remarks re me spending money to get here. Mother is obsessed with financial problems. She just nags you to death re spending if she thinks you're short..or even if she doesn't...I couldn't handle it. If only she knew re the potential bankruptcy. That doesn't bear thinking about. I said my goodbyes and left. They were pressurising me to be sensible and careful and normal. It was too much. I left. I went 'hame'. I bought chips and cheese. I was alone. I cried.
Sun- Christ I'm trying to keep it as brief as possible . Aye, the general lassitude was present today but maybe a bit less so than of late. No 0870 calls at all. This doesn't mean that they're off the case. It just means that its Sunday and the pinstripe world still sticks to the old school 'weekend off' routines. Work was rather shite to be frank, more in a testingly boring way than in any back to the grind vibe but had a good chat wi' KS who's as solid and as Fife as the Lomond Hills. Phoned mother later on. She didn't even refer to the present. She sounded strained. She had just been out wi' ma brother. She hates going out and going out of her routine. She's had mental health issues very like mine. She is an extremely anxious person. Speaking to her when she's stressed reminds me of how wearing being with me must have been at times over the years. We are too alike. This causes communication issues. I made sure the call was a brief one. Met AM prior to the gig. Had a surreal moment when I noticed the difference in air quality in a smokeless pub. It didn't feel right somehow. You could breathe. Heaven forbid. Well...The Evens were incredible. I shook Mackayes hand. Things suddenly seemed simpler. Walked home in the rain and felt pretty good for the first time in some time. Even forgot about the freak outs I'd had re seeing masel in a mirror in the venue and how fat I looked in the big shirt I had on. Forgot about most things aside from the vaguest whiff o' a sense o' possibility...jesus...maybe someone's hijacked this blog..
So on on on to Monday. It's been an odd day so far. Saw a fair bit of TLK at work. Relations seemed uneasy. Christ, maybe it's me but the more I look for it the more I see how in charge of things she really is. Maybe she doesn't know she's doing it but she takes control of everything- her feelings, the plans of action as far as work goes, the whole shebang. Her attitude towards me has definately changed since we had 'words'. She has tightened her grip of the way things are between us. She has identified that I might cause her 'hassle' or be emotionally difficult for her so she has cut off ANY semblance of personal stuff between us. She has done it without saying anything directly which is obviously the most hurtful way to do it.I NEED PEOPLE TO BE HONEST WITH ME. I put the feelers out a bit today. Every comment I made about ma ain/non work stuff was met with a steely phoned in response. The fact she remains OUTWARDLY friendly just fucked with my head. She continues to talk like we did before to a point particularly when others are there but she only tells you what she wants you to know. I look for it but there is a subtext to most things she says..wee messages re what she really wants to say cloaked in pleasantries. Warnings almost. Keep away. I know she's doing it. I am mental but I know she's doing it. Oddly in the middle of all this she announced that she 'hadn't had any 'action' in some time'. It was kinda in the context of a clients 'genito-urinary health' but still seemed an odd thing to come out with. All day intimate/ personal/ friend-like comments kept coming from her. I would pick up on this and mention something personal. She would reply to this with total detachment and move the subject back to work. She's always done this to a certain extent, she clearly does have control issues, but today it was full on. I mentioned a few times how I was giving up drink. I got the far away response. I think she thought I was saying this for her benefit and trying to make a point re how I wasn't thinking about 'us' and our friendship. Another colleague brought up 'drinking' later. I mentioned again that I had given up. There was an audible sigh from TLK. She did it again the next time I mentioned something personal. I asked if she was ok. She said 'what?' I said 'you sighed' She said 'I didn't realise I did it'. I don't ken whether she works out how she's going to behave wi' folk in advance but it seems like she might. She identifies potential problems and eliminates them not by talking to the person and letting them know but by appearing outwardly friendly and then closing the door after they are drawn in. Because of my messed up feelings about her, I can't handle this right now. Stumbled out o' work. Head was totally elsewhere. Made it through to Glasgow. Saw The Evens again. They genuinely made my life better for an hour. They play music and put on shows like they should be done- all-embracing, an experience, almost a celebration.. of 'punk', of an idea of what 'the underground' is about. I got a wee bit annoyed at a young buck wi' Busted hair and a lumpy bloke in a MADBALL tee standing near by but then remembered the spirit of the gig and things got better. Clearer. They are people. At times I don't feel part of the human race but I am and there are times when I like this fact, when I like people. I think The Evens helped me to understand and appreciate that, even if just for a short time. Lately, ever since I defaulted on a coupla things and the 0800 calls started I've been in a netherworld of avoidance. When I go out and do something I'm ok but as soon as that's out the way I'm fucked and I think of debt mostly. This ain't good (ha). I do feel invaded and as if 'there's a war on' and I'm living in crisis mode..maybe I am...I need to cast this off...ha fucking ha...Finally on to today. Had a heavy one in the morning. More scary post came through the door. In theory I left this behind and went to scatter DT's ashes. More like I carried it with me all day. We found the location D had wanted and TLK, another colleague, masel and his best pal scatted the ashes into the river. It was genuinely moving. I cried again. TLK was professional and reserved. Once again it annoyed me how in control she was. I felt as if I'd had enough o' work and of the situ I'm in. TLK did an oddly nice thing then. Before heading back tae the city the 3 o' them had a fag. TLK saw I was doon and offered me one. I think it was genuine. If it was I was kinda touched, I think. Backhanded maybe but still touching. It seemed crazy to be carrying on as normal after DT had been literally thrown away but dutifully I went back tae work and got on wi' Tuesday. Back in the office affairs carried on as yesterday but somehow a bit worse. She did it all day...friendly/ steely, friendly/ steely..all the time. Depite all this I still wanted to be with her or maybe I just wanted some company from anyone, the debt thing was taking over and I had an image of DT telling me about Wilfred Pickles back in my cranium. I was teary and bereft. Before I left TLK took some of the ashes that were left in the bottom of the urn and said she would put them in a locket she had. Some ashes were left on the desk. I said "don't tidy them up. It'll be nice to have him here. Part of the furniture" Part cliche'. Part sadness. I started greeting again. I'm greeting now when I'm writing this. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to know 100% where I stood with her too. To test the waters I left work at the same time as her. In the past this always signified going to the pub. Today she took charge. She kept chatting faux warmly and steered us across the road past both the pubs we tended to go to. She also made an early detour away from the direction I would go in to get hame. This is as clear as she will ever make it. Part of her bars the other part from telling me to fuck off or go away. So she does it by implication. This might change if, for some reason, she ever wants to see me again. I felt pleased in a way to have it spelt out but I also realised that this was TLK I was talking about. I sank down. I walked up the road. I went past the place where I stormed out of on the day DT died. I went past places I've gotten very drunk with her. The 0800's rang again. I drifted into feelings of ending it. These got worse. I would literally go to the bridge. I would jump off. I would leave a letter for KB. I don't want any religion at the service. I want to be burned. No shirts and ties are allowed. The family wouldn't understand. I'll send a valediction to TLK. I'll tell her everything. I'll write the letters and I'll do it tonight. I believe that I was in utter despair at that moment. What is there in my life? I'm unfanciable. I'm not a good pal. I've done a catalogue of stupid things. I'm £50,000 in debt and and and...I hope I've come round a bit now. Back to reality or sanity. I know these moments will come again. They won't get any easier to face. I suppose I'll have to face them. There isn't any other option...
posted by Jock Gumps at 4:06 PM
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