The Neps Possee

Mair o' the detached stuff. Life isn't happening. "There's just some things that I see from the side". I could beat you into submission with metaffers that were just dripping in wind and wuthering and I would really like to but I'm trying (relatively speaking) to learn the value of restraint so therefore I'll edit this part down to ...made it onto the train through to Glasgow. Met CH ootside Mono and we went to see Afrirampo. The impact this band had on me when I saw them before was considerable. They played to a meagre crowd in Edinburgh and really fucking rocked the place. I have to say tonight I didn't enjoy them as much but they did have so much to live up to. They seemed to play fewer 'ragers'. There was a bit more messing about. They had acquired some longer pieces some of which contained elements bordering on introspection, not the first thing that normally comes to mind with this band. They had also found some new 'performance' bits which I enjoyed a great deal . Maybe the 'shock value' of being so impressed by an unfamiliar band had just gone. Maybe my mind had gotten attuned to the sight of 2 'eccentric' skinny Japanese girls rocking out and doin' whacky things. This is something that shouldn't be. The intensity and the ROCK level seemed to have gone down and that imo was a shimm. They went down very well tho'...and rightly so. Aye, some wee bastard who called himself 'Germlin' played as well. He was a despicable fake geek. I can't stand this appropriation of despair by the world of virillity. He thought he was funny. So did most folk. He had a lap top. He cue'd up waggish 'gabba' sounds and then 'jamp' aroond in a 'comedy' and dare one say it, 'spaz' style. If you were his best neebor and/or a membor of the arch enemy Bricolage then you maybe found it funny but for the casual observer or ok..me... it was real garbage despite the occasional big bassy bit which revealed hitherto unheard strength in the Mono PA. It got surreal. A plummy Glasgow version of Jay and Silent Bob were digging it big time ie A chunky ponytailed Gimli lookalike and a longhaired 'dude' got very excited, even taking part in the Germ's 'antics'. They were keen keen keen guys. The whole Germlin spectacle sucked ass. There are certain members of (musical) society who because of prevailing winds and culture can get away with anything. The Germ is one of them. ALL you need is shaggy hair and the ability to wear the claes of a 'goofus' and thae black thick glasses and yer sorted. If you happen to come from The West End tae then you're in 7th heaven. You're a 'made' person. This was yet another example thereof. It turned oot that Jay and Silent Bob loved Afrirampo too. Cue more 'awkward yet enthusiastic' dancing. Silent Bob looked as if he had been made by the Weta Workshop complete with warts and facial 'peculiarites'. There is a chance that he genuinely wasn't human. It was hard to tell whether the dancing was totally sardonic or not. They may have been the Tekken 2 worshipping bona fide article. This 'type' is not normally seen in Mono tho' I am aware that metallers tend to like anything with loud guitars and also anything played by pretty girls . It's just that they tend not to be exposed to many of the non generic loud guitars in Kerrang or the pretty girls in any sphere of their lives either so if they stumble onto something by accident they will tend to dig it big time and they did. It was touching in it's way, I think. My mind wasn't right while I was there. I was dazed. I felt an overwhelming urge to drink beer and lots of it. I think I spoke to CH a lot re 'going to the bridge' It was on ma mind all the time. Its been there today. Festering away. "I can't find a lot in ma life I enjoy". I have a number of 'problems' etc etc. That weight has reappeared ... in addition to the 20 stone one round my belly ...overpowering and draining. I'm loath to write it down cause it sounds extremely shit, like the work o' someone trying to curry favour and manipulate you. I know I have done manipulative things in my time. I'm deeply ashamed of them. I got desperate for attention or company or to have the feeling someone was thinking about me and that I 'meant' something to them. In my delusional state I would think I was due 'recognition' for something unclear, just anything. Maybe I like the anonymity of writing this blog and the feeling I'm getting something out into the open. I have to weigh that up against the opportunities it gives me for negative self reflection. I'm far less self conscious than I would be if I was talking to your face. I'm not sure whether that's a negative or a positive. My mood's been so low today. I've lolled around trying to get moving. All the time new negative thoughts come in to replace the ones I've got rid of. New reminders of how 'shit' things seem to be. The TOT has made sporadic reappearances. I've been dwelling on debt and the prospect of having no money. I'll probably be skint for some time from next week. I do force masel to a certain extent to try to think of solutions to 'everything' and it's as if I have no energy left to fight. The negative outlook has taken over and removed any will I had. It's felt that bad today. There really is nothing to report re what I've done cause I haven't done anything. I've thought about doing lots but it's all 'too difficult'. Being tired o' life can be pretty tiring. Fuck...