These Nights In The Kiwi/ Don't you Go Drinking None O' That Buggy Water

All the things that go through yer mind. Weekend. Little happening. I find masel mired in patterns. Ways of being. These may not do me any good but I defend them anyway. On my days off without fail I sit around for most of the day gorging on junk food, getting fed up, 'browsing' nefarious parts of the interweb, feeling hopeless, incapable. Lately I've wanted to get my act together sufficiently to write something other than the blog. I've started a coupla bits and pieces but part of my head always finds excuses which defeat me. All the time I was ill I tried to 'defend my right' to waste time. I used to get quite indignant with folk who tried to get me to do anything, to stratch masel. That's when the avoidance would start, when I cut folk off. How dare they try to get me moving. I'm going to stay here and cultivate my own special brand of misery. I felt like this for some time. I just wanted to be on my own. I hated the thought of seeing people. The paranoia always started when I met folk. After a while of not seeing people I would get paranoid that they weren't talking to me and 'had given up on me' etc etc. In addition to this I was so lonely but I couldn't bring myself to make the effort to break through the shit and spend time wi' my pals etc. I've felt a lot of these feelings coming back lately, usually whenever I have a day off. I lose masel when I have 'spare' time stretching oot in front o'me. I didn't work for nigh on 8 years. I've had a lot of spare time in ma life which I've pissed away. I spent it playin' wi masel (in every single sense o' the phrase), worrying about everything and anything, observing 'the world', sometimes from the sidelines but normally in ma heid and developing warped and skewed interpretations thereof and in generally feeling overwhelmed, lost, empty, disconnected. Literally 'out of step with the world'. I could have used this time to have made masel into a different person. I coulda been somebody. I could been a contenda etc etc. Well, I probably couldn't have been but I could have been thinner or better or...Now I'm left with this constant feeling of unease, of dissatisfaction, of disquiet. I spent so long on my own and in reverse gear that I don't seem to be able to change these instincts. This feeling of a dull ache dug in for most of the first part of the day. Did a bit of cricket watching but it was mostly furtive stuff with part of me telling the other to move and to get out probably so I could eat food and spend money. At 4 or so I finally got oot. I went down to the work and returned a set of keys which I'd went home with the other day. Was going to walk (2-3 miles) and was full of brave plans to this effect but completely unsurprisingly decided to bus it. Realised this would take me through TLK country. Maybe that's why I bused it, so I could fixate on the faint chance o' catching a sly glimpse oot the windae rather than possibly bump into her on the street if I walked. My head was not in the right place. The route down to the work is full of haunts where I used to drink with her or that I associate with her. Shit man, we never even 'went out'. On the way down everywhere I looked I saw her. Many many 'possible' sightings. Whenever I came across one of these I tried not to look but ended up looking and making it very obvious. This must have seemed outwardly dodgy if anyone was watching me or was being watched by me. It felt wrong to me but I kept doing it. I've thought about her all day today. This isn't unusual but I thought it would have eased off by now. It hasn't. The sane part of me wants it to change. The mad part doesn't. It wants to keep me tormented and away from anything constructive, ruminating on her and dreading/waiting for a chance to see her. How long can this go on man? I think I need to get totally away from work and from here. In the early stages of knowing her, when I realised how I felt, I started having these instinctive feelings to 'escape' and I started hankering after a move to Glasgow. I like certain aspects of the place eg Mono (!) but I find it kinda 'too big'. I get lost without fail through there. I also wouldn't really know a good area to stay from a bad area. At the moment any financial stuff is way 'out of my budget'. No idea how I would get round that. If I have to leave the shithole I might in all honesty be facing a temporary move back to the parents as I'm not sure how I would raise a deposit and a' that. I am trying not to think about that as ...be warned for forthcoming high melodrama quotient...thoughts of 'the bridge' move in whenever I do. Look man, I'm not Brian Molko or Trent Reznor. Melodrama and romanticising 'a beautiful death' are no my style. Death at times seems welcoming and strangely neat and tidy to me. Of course it isn't any of these. I find it hard to rationalise my thoughts. Recently I've started to feel a sense of 'having no way out'. That's what's brought on all this bullshit. I have been thinking in practical terms re how I would do it. I want something oddly showy. I've been anti-showy a' my time but on occasion I've done needy things to try and attract attention or company or compliments. I know I've done these. They ain't cool. I keep doing them tho'. It would be rather apt if I jumped off somewhere and it turned into a teacup size media circus ie 'sad man jumps off the gasworks roof and kills poodle' etc. There is bound to be an element of farce to it somehow. My whole life has felt like a farce but without any of the bed hopping of course. More like a working class Childrens Film Foundation version. I was clearly ill equipped to 'get on in life'. Every time I try I feel truly ridiculous. Not sure where these thoughts take me or where they leave me. I feel as if I need to express how I've felt lately but dwelling on certain vibes is pretty useless I suppose. There's not much more to report today. I've totally wasted it. I'm writing this and I'm trying to find some positives on the day. There aren't any. I suppose I'm still here tho' that's not much consolation right now...shit...