Take Me Back To The Mumbles Road

...Tue night...Forgot tae mention it but I just minded re summat which happened earlier on, just in case I hadn't rammed hame 'the point' re ma 'madness' enough. We had a team meeting thing at work. I hate them. Probably because I end up being divvied up mair work but mostly cause they remind me how shite the work (and the TLK at work situ) is. TLK will sit across frae me. I 'have to' look at her all the time. Sometimes I can't. The work tensions come in to play at these meeting ie the office politics thing. Fucking nonsense. Today I was sitting across from her again. She was talking away in a clipped manner. I'm going to sound horrid here. I realised how much of a front she puts on. I know because I do exactly the same thing masel. All human beings do. It's how you cover it up that matters. It hit me suddenly. Here we are sittting here both putting on guises. She was battering head long into TLK at work mode by now- uniquely remote, aloof, outwardly composed, civil, professional. All of a suddden I found it awfy funny. The whole scene. I couldn't stop laughing. She asked me what was up. I said I don't know. I kept laughing. She asked me again. She added, '"you're starting to freak me out now" in a mock pally style. This time I said "I'm internalising. If I told you it would be giving too much away". Not sure why that came out. Well it was the truth after all. I kept laughing. She kept up the pally stuff. I thought I'd better stop. I was aboot to greet anyway. This all came back tonight when a dready lass started laughing during 'Anticipation Of The Night'. The Filmhoose pit it on as a double bill with my beloved 'Blue'. 'AOTN' is a 40-odd minute 'avant garde' silent film by the kinda legendary Stan Brakhage featuring endlessly flailing Super 8 images, a guid few of them looped almost ad nauseam , magnetic town lights at night visuals and loads of flamingos, bears and bairns, a' shot in a style which eventually was to be seen in every video they played on that much loved (by me..and a few folk frae Leven) 'Transmission' programme presented by Pat 'The Jazz Butcher' Fish and a proto 'UIG' (Unfeasibly Indie Girl in case you should ask. Just come along to ATP, stand by that dance machine thing for a while and you'll see what I mean) in the late 80's- woozy, blurry, cost 5p ie the 'pop' video equivalent of a 'fleabag apartment, you know the kind'. Of course 'AOTN' was filmed in 1962 and retains 'un certain cache`' in thae avant gardie circles. I would doubt if many things looked like this in 1962. There are times when ma world has looked like this minus the bears, flamingos or bairns tho'. Once you got over the self conscious stuff of sitting in the silent dark and hearing all the sounds therein ie the toffs up the back tutting and talking to each other, the various odd sounds from the cinema next door and the aforementioned giggles you realised how nice it was to be in a space where your mind could run wild. The images fly at you. The fililm is always on the move in one or another. I suppose it's one that is totally up to you to work out and to use in yer ain way and for me that was the fun and the enjoyment of it. A' the wooze made me think o' what happens when I would close my yaks in Kirkcaldy 'in the old days' and the world didn't go away. What I had was a refracted and mair grotesque version thereof. A slightly nicer world was 'represented' here tho' there were still times when it was an empty and lonely one. Some of the stuff near the end which featured an unhappy flamingo flapping around with it's head out of shot was bloodcurdling ditto the bear in darkness bit at the end. I loved how it let you go off on your own thing with the smallest trigger frae the screen. It would be nice if most fillims were like this but that ain't the case. Not sure that the folk there knew what they were getting into. A certain discombobulation was evident. Plenty o' chatter and 'fuck you Jeremy' behaviour. When the boho couple (the lasses' man soon got them too) wi' the giggles next to me sat doon, a horrid stench o' semi digested wine filled the row. Fuck knows what they'd been drinking. Probably the semi-mythical 'gutrot wine' Bukowski talks aboot. Wine breath is a nasty thing. Ain't it funny how such a supposedly 'refined' drink gies off a worse bowf after consumption than simple grog. The lass in the couple opened up a pack o' crisps just after 'Blue' started. I think she had them mic'd up. Major rustling went on all the way through the first half. It was a crackly old print o' the fillim, no the best for one wi' nothing but sound and the volume level was low so it proved hard at first to zone into the vibe. The prog had advertised a 10 minute interval between the 2 fillims which didn't materialise. This caught awbody unawares. The stream of plummy bastards going in and out of the cinema detracted frae what you were trying to pay attention to. Let's face it, to get ANYTHING frae 'Blue', you have to concentrate. Ha! A popcorn movie it ain't. I sat there .You say to the boy open your eyes. When he opens his eyes and sees the light. You make him cry out. Saying O Blue come forth O Blue arise O Blue ascend O Blue come in. I was in right away. Never mind the outside world. At times I shut ma yaks. At others I stared into the blueness. My vision was tired frae staring intently at the Brakhage frenzy earlier. It was just right. There was a major 'something' to be had frae sitting in the dark listening to this outpouring of a man's fears, hopes, memories, pain...to hear something of this nature expressed so vividly and so uniqely was a privilege. I was gripped by it. On and on it went. The image is a prison of the soul, your heredity, your education, your vices and aspirations, your qualities, your psychological world. and If the doors of perception were cleansed then everything would be seen as it is. Fucking hell. Loss. Love. Madness. Thought. Fantasy. LIFE LIFE LIFE. JOY. It's all here. It's all as powerful as it was when I saw it in my folk's back room on a Sunday night just after DJ died. The space and the scope supplied by the lack of pictures leave you with room to make your own visuals. If you look at the blue it does quickly make it's way into your head. I have walked behind the sky. For Blue there are no boundaries or solutions. Jeez. There are certain times when I simply wish I had mair words. An intellectual I am clearly not. I'm sure it can be handy to have a bit more at your fingertips from time to time. I didnae feel that guid on Tues. I sat in the cinema getting pissed off before the fillims wi' all the chattering classes, their confidence, their ability to grab life and seemingly to not care when they make arses o' themselves. Two hetero couples up the back (that fucking speeshiss) were talking loudly almost a' the time. I could hear them coming into the cinema. There was an audible sigh frae one o' them when he realised 'AOTN' was a silent. On the way oot I heard him telling one o' the Jemimas he was with that 'Blue' was 'impersonal'. I shouldn't be fixating on folk's 'negative sides' but I 'couldnae' shake it off on Tuesday so that clearly means I have to rake it up over and over again. At times my reactions, for the most internal, to people aren't good. For a long time I could hide it. There are certain,shall we say, affectations that I dislike. I won't outline them here. You've had plenty of chances to work them out already. A further example had been provided by yet another fucking COUPLE who had been sitting in front of me. 'He' reacted with delight on working out that the double bill consisted o' a fillim with no images and a fillim with only images '. He of course sounded like my lifelong enemy Lloyd Cole. I wanted to lean over and say either " Yeeah, are you The Rebel?" or "Yeeaahh, did you write 16 Years Of Alcohol?"..Fucking privilege. It's everywhere, carrying complacency, elitism et al in it's Pimmsy wake as well as me seething mad behind them desperate to 'fuck shit up'. but saying nothing cause I am a nothing...and so forth...well anyway... Wednesday...TLK stuff is currently marring the work experience somewhat. Knew today would be busy. I'm involved in a MAMMOTH admin task. It is taking forever. It's bogging me down further. Had a word wi' the boss yesterday. She'd been off sick for some time. In the interim I had come out wi' that post 'falling out wi' TLK' outburst to the effect I was leaving. In hindsight I'm no that proud of saying that. I'm sure TLK probably knows why I said it...or does she???? FUCK FUCK FUCK I SHALL NEVER TRULY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT...at the time the bastard in me wanted her to know. There is no justification for behaviour o' that kind really. No that it's bothering TLK overly tho', I know that much, a state of affairs which proves I am EVEN more stupid than I thought..but anyway...I apologised to her for coming out with that but I confirmed I am looking for something else. I asked her for a reference wi' this job I'm about to apply for. I assured her that I wasn't leaving because I had 'a problem' wi management'. She said " it wouldn't bother me if you did". Good answer. I repeated the 'personal reasons' thing. The true answer is of course 'TLK reasons' but 'one' can't really say that. Aye work was grim. Joyless. No TLK= no spark and no effort. Yes TLK = madness and despair. Great. After work I went to meet AM at the legendary Pivo (nee` St. James' Oyster Bar) near Waverley. I've been there once before. It has TLK memories too, as does every hostelry in this half of the town. One of the first nights we went out for grog she got smashed and somewhere about midnight suggested that we should both 'go to Pivo and pull'. I felt this showed something of a lack of understanding of me and ma raw materials as well as the imbalance in our respective levels of 'attractiveness' so I declined. We were both plenty drunk enough. I was in there over Xmas wi' Mike + Bernie. I told her I'd drank some odd brand of Czech beer that night. That got her maudlin. Her lip quivered. She said that the love of her life used to drink that. She was visibly upset. As I did most of the time I just gazed into her eyes not knowing what to do. She didn't always appreciate me trying to provide too much understanding or empathy. Agan that probably had a lot to do with me and the way things 'really' were between us. I mind I felt awkward at the time but of course we just got blootered and 'forgot' aboot it. Spoke for some time wi' AM. As ever conversation flows easily wi' him. Bands. Fillims. He told me that he'd been reading the blog. I was pleased. We started talking about TLK. He said that he thought I was becoming overwhelmed. This is of course true. He told me to quit the silent treatment with her. He said that's not the way you are. Do you want her to remember you as that? AM has a way of saying things that I tend not to forget. His message was that you've wasted enough time. He accepted that all the yearning and shit like that was definately going down but pointed out why I needed to sort masel out. He meant what he said. He was concerned by my mentions of going to the bridge. He spelt it out bluntly and in an incisive way. I listened. I needed to hear it spelt out like that. He got me to think of how she is probably feeling ie I was a guy who went oot for drinks wi' her. She didn't want any heaviosity coming along wi' that so when she got it she 'withdrew'. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong or hurtful. She's probably spoken to her neebor and had that 'confirmed' too. He's right. I still wish she was 'honest' (my own personal interpretation thereof) but it's no going to happen is it? I need to get on with it. At the time I felt as if something monstrous had been removed frae ma shoulders. I knew the score. Meaningful advice from a genuine pal is quite something, it really is. It was a nice night. Mild. Blowy. I was a shade invigorated.Temporarily high on life. I couldn't get 'Wind Of Change' out my head. Please take me 'too de magick off de moment' etc etc right now. It was almost summer. I wasn't in Fife. Things were guid for a while. It was lovely to have that. In the midst of it I txted CH. I'd just walked past The Usher Hall. He was inside seeing The Flaming Lips. There were a load of bairns milling aboot the pliss. It seemed festive. I wrote 'maybe I've started to get over k'. That won't mean anything to non-Clientele fans but both that song and it's title mean a hell of a lot to me. I got the alboom when we were very pally and I've just wanted to greet ever since. Anyway, go and dae yer research re The Clientele. I wanted to stay out and about in the city night. I amended that to a wish to 'do something'. I went to see 'Pavee Lackeen' at the Filmhoose. It was quite special. In most ways it is as far remove from 'Blue' as I could have gotten. A million country miles. It is the most documentary like drama I've ever seen. It's about a 10 year old girl frae a traveller family in Ireland. Her mother's oan the grog and has 10 bairns. The family in it are a real family and all the travellers are played by non actors. The non travellers are played by actors. The actors aren't that good but of course the travellers are all excellent. There's nae plot and nothing is resolved. Few rules are followed. The dialogue looks mostly improvised. It's 'nowt' but a series of situations and snippets of life. Grim as grim can be. It has to be the closest I could come to watching 'real life ' up on screen. While it doesn't utilise the Stan Brakhage camera technique it still does not have much of the conventional to offer. That might throw some of you but please please stick with it. Without using the modern cinema box of tricks it tugs at you by doing nowt more than presenting a bit of someone's life and really that's enough to make sure you get the message. Another hot McLuckie tip...I'll end up with a status akin to that 'morbidly obese' Interweb movie gossip guy wi' the ginger hair one day. What's he called again?..ha ha..talking of obesity, I've been trying hard wi' the diet for a few days now. Think I've lost a few pounds already. Don't feel anywhere near as bloated. Having mega food cravings but keeping them at bay for the most part. Getting loads o' exercise tae. I dare say It's all good. Have passed on details o' ma financial ruin to the debt counsellor. The procedure of the trust deed thing should start soon. Good lord. Despite moments of neo-bounty I feel worried about ma life. Edgy. I'm no in control. I never have been but I've never gotten used to that either. I've no idea where I'm going. Again I never have but I continue to dislike the vibes therein, Some progress is going down. Me being me tho' I feel for certain as if some crap is roond the corner. What new devilry is this? As well as hoping it isn't waiting for me and 'lying out there like a killer in the sun' (I couldn't resist that) I can keep trying with the blubber and with ma TLK feelings. I want to get there, wherever that is... Just noticed these guys sitting next to me. I've seen them in here before. They're a gay couple who talk to each other like they're trying to imitate pussycats. They do it every time I've sat next to them. It's an odd spectacle that is probably an example of these ones that 'you have to be there' to appreciate. It is of course gubernatorally camp and intimate and nice but it's a bit nippy for spectators to hear sic a contrived sound! I couldn't stop thinkin' o this shite 'ironic' Edinburgh band called Lapsus Lingue who don't talk to the crowd but meow instead. Thats a bit nippy tae. So... Thur. The training course I went to the day was shite.There's nae point in expressing it in fancier terms. Mair SVQ crap. The subject matter was so dry. I couldn't stay awake. I will sound like a complete cunt saying this but 2 of the most genuinely irritating people I have ever met were on the course. One was a pinched flouncy white liberal a' la Miss Jean Brodie. She intoned everything like she was saying La creme de la creme over and over again. Of course she was perfect at 'writing reflective accounts'. Her companion...more of her in a sec...boomed out that Maggie Smith (I'm paraphrasing) here had an arts degree. The tutor mentioned something about having a masters in IT. She said "I've got one of them too". I sank into my seat. She had this prying patronising pseudo-concerned way of phrasing stuff. She spoke in a mewling, nasal voice. She appeared to have done most things and was about to do the things she hadn't done. She made 'her direction in life' very clear. Her pal defied belief. She was equally loud and self obsessed but 'presented' as if she as working class as Hilda's muriel. She knew everything about leggings and 'The Bangkok Ladyboys'. She was a big big lady. Think Mama Cass wi' hair by 'Classic Cuts Of Monifeith'. She had this bogus ripe Dundonian accent. It sounded way exaggerated to me. On reflection it was like hearing one o' Fran + Anna... if they had come frae Dundee. MAH MAN CANNAE LET OAN. MAH MER HAD CANCER FER 6 YEE-ARS. AW THE NURSES IN YON HOASPITAL ARE PIGS. SHE GOAT DROAPPED OAN HER HEID. It was all high drama wi' her. She was desperate to tell you how she had suffered and how she 'goat oan wi' it'. On and on it went. She was unstoppable. The word 'loud' cannot do her 'justice'. "THAAT WOMAAAN HAD AYAAT BAIRANS. HE SHOULD BE REMOAVED LIKES" . I became convinced she was a spoof. Surely she was about to say 'Ocht jings I cannae get ma matches to light'. Maybe Julia Davis was under there. Mama Cass had an odd closeness wi' Dame Maggie. They were a double act. Coming soon to the Bein Inn Glenfarg it's 'The Bona Fide Boastful Class Struggle Medicine Show'..or something. I just hoped that at least a mere fragment would come out of it and that Murray Melvin would come in and call anyone he could a 'silly wee hoor' but of course it didn't happen. I was sitting next to a lovely lass wi' endearing ringletty bits in her hair. It was 'gingery' hair too. I seem to have 'a thing' about that. I tried to think of 'other' topics. I just ended up getting mair and mair negative. These fucking people. I envy their motiviation. Their keeness. How can they be bothered with this crap? I was stunned. On Wed night I had felt positive re my thoughts on TLK. I got a coupla tests today. Her best pal was on the bus I got doon to Leith. I didn't see her when I got on. She walked past later and didn't acknowledge me. There maybe is a chance she didn't see me. I got para. I'd nearly got on her bus the day before but 'checked' masel when I saw she was on it. That an't cool. On Tuesday I mentioned to TLK the thing I told you about the other week re bumping into someone who was obviously her pal's twin sister. From what I described she confirmed that it was the twin rather than the pal. Things had been pally for a while that mornin. She had referred to walking out on her neebor when she got annoyed at her last week. My mind went into overdrive. We were on a wavelength. Maybe she 'understands' why I walked out on her after all. THIS WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO. I piled in. I said "Or maybe 'yer pals' ( I can't think of a good 'name' for her) not talking to me. I think I freaked her out a bit the last time I saw her". This was my most blatant reference yet to the 'falling out'. It was a clumsy thing to say. It seemed like I was 'looking for a reaction' which I was. She took it perfectly calmly and said ' no no of course not'. She was in a good mood at the time but funnily enough she wasn't later on ie after I'd said this. At the beginning of Thur I thought I had started to get my shit the gither. On reflection, I've not really got off the starting line. I'm trying hard, I really am. The pliss where the course was held was deep in TLK country. On the way hame I walked past the top of her street. I'd stumbled down that road with her on many occasions. I should have went a different way. All the old thoughts came back. The waves of despair that hit me when I think of where she might be and what she's doing and the fact I'm not there. There is no basis for internal negotiation here. I just have to stop thinking this way. Wandered aboot for some time. Bought some 'healthy' shopping. When I got back to the s-h I saw a pic o' that wee shite Chris Evans and the rather lovely tho' persistently disappointing Jo Whiley meeting the queen. They seemed ecstatic and fawning. I couldn't understand this. Why would anyone see it as a privilege to meet her and why would you treat her wi' any heirs and graces? Haein cash clearly does mess you up. Fucking bullshit artists. Surely naebody under 70 respects the royal bastards do they? After I while I thought of my 'tendency to get angry'. I have to work on this. I promise you I'm not as much of an arsehole in real life. My kneejerk thing seems to be that I have intense feelings of exclusion and dislocation a' that. If I get para I feel like I'm being 'kept out' of stuff, as if I'm not invited. I know that my manner invites a form of the cold shoulder. I'm rarely outwardly grumpy unless I lose it and I force masel to be ie mostly with TLK but I usually sit back and keep oot the road. I don't involve masel. I prefer to stay out of things but then I sit on the fringes and wish I was in the midst of it, waiting all the time for someone to talk to me and 'take an interest'. When nobody does I dwell on it and start getting aw these crazy feelings which I've outlined to you non stop for the last 4 months. I want to have someone ask me " What's It Like Being You?". That would make me the centre of attention. I would feel Iike I was being thought of. That seems to mean a lot. Of course I then get paranoid re the normal aspects of interaction. I'm just not an 'extrovert' I guess. I still have bad times when I feel that it's other folk's 'fault' that I'm alone and unhappy. I turn it round. The anger thing diverts attention away from scrutiny of me. Cue any character from Eastenders...I just want to be loved and accepted...Shit...moving on... so noo it's Friday. Have had the 'day off drifty' thing but not too bad as yet. Spent the mornin typing this in Stelios country. I miss being able to turn round and look at Chloe Sevigny. I must go back to Maisie's at one point. I intend to gan on a long wander later. Not sure where. It is TLK's birthday. I rambled on to AM re how I wasn't going to recognise it as we're no pals..sob etc...I've thought about her a great deal but I'm trying so much not to do so. I'll probably txt later and wish her happy birthday and all that and then I'll switch off ma TV set and go and do something less boring instead..that sounds like a good idea...