Did Darlinda Ken The Reels?

...so Friday then... I would have to describe Friday as a McLuckie 'curate's egg'. The paranoia was raging from early in the day. Things seemed to get less absurd later on. I was glad. One thing re not doing daily blog posts is that you lose track o' certain things you might have done at a particular time on that day. From what I mind re the first part o' Fri this is no bad thing. I think I did ma share o' internal flapping. Another thing I did and that I just shouldn't do at this time is look at my bank account. In yet another act of total folly of course I did. I couldn't get it away from it. It was 4 days after pay day. I was 'almost' skint. I might as well have been. I might as well have not been paid. These were horrid feelings. I'm going to need to borrow some cash from somewhere for the rest o' the month or for the rest o' ma life. Borrowing from individuals is nowhere near as appealing as borrowing from institutions. I do have a conscience you know. How have I got in this shit?... Anyway anyway I think I was in the land o' the interweb for a good while. After that I met KB and went to see SM play heavy metal! Aye, Under Thorns were playing at The Canonsgait in the nether reaches o' The Royal Mile. While I was waiting for KB I was standing in Hunter Square just up the road from one of the main TLK haunts in that part o' town. I looked down the road. It was her! Ma stomach nearly emerged oot ma mooth. She walked closer. It wasn't her. Just a good lookalike, whoever she was. Similar clothes. The same look, tho not quite of course. Jeez. Fuck man. Why am I still caught up in all this??? I'm feared to bump into her on the street. The thought of it causes me a load o' stress. This is like what's supposed to happen to you when yer 15. The difference being of course that that never happened to me. I've never been sufficently attracted to someone or 'in love' with them. Given ma past too there's no way I could possibly bump into an ex either cause I don't have any! It feels rather inhuman and 'unnatural' going through these vibes at 35 but I've began to take them for granted when it comes to 'love' or owt like that. Dwelling on it makes me feel like I have no 'life skills' at all and in this particular sense that's probably a correct assumption. So, the gig was in an odd wee 'cellar bar' downstairs. It was a most poky pliss. To paraphrase ma mother it was 'right Leven'. I thought I was back in The Hunting Lodge circa 1991. Loads of crust and some stripey tights too. It felt like some of these folk had been in hibernation since then. The headliners were full on crust apparently. There were some very smelly guys in the room right enough. I didn't stay to see them. I thought of the infamous CH story re a crusty lass and a drinkng fountain. I thought it best to leave promptly.The first band on were frae Poland. They all looked ascetic and uptight. Andrew Golota appeared to be playing the drums. They were thumpy thumpy in a nice way. UT were great I thought despite the scree and mud that constituted the 'live sound' in the pliss. I reckon they will 'entertain' (in the best possible way) a fair number of you in the forthcoming while. While there I met a few faces frae Kdy I'd not seen in some time. Guid folk all. I keep having this desire to 'immortalise' (ha! That's very arrogant) people I know in some grand form...I can see it now...here are 2 'briefs' to the grand premiere at The Lochgelly Theatre of 'My Year Of Alcohol With TLK' written and directed by Mcluckie and starring 'the people'. Part of me wants to try. Other parts have already told me that it would be 'too difficult'. I'm no Mike Leigh or even Mike Yarwood that's for certain...anyway, enough of this madness...seeing as I'm getting old now ma ears were stinging towards the end of the night. I simpered up the road. CH phoned en route frae Glasgow. I met him off the bus. We talked and went to the legendary Favorit at 12.30 AM or so. In Fife there is no such thing as 'a civilised place' where you can go after midnight. In the big shitty it seems you can sip tea in 'non-threatening' environments at any time of the day. I managed to resist fattening foods (sit- in food at 1 AM in the morning! There are indeed many many things I love re the city. It feels surreal to be party to all this. I dig being able to 'fill the endless night' in this way. It feels like I've 'arrived') and bathed in late night civilisation. It was pretty balmy. A nice fillip tae finish the day, I guess.. Well on Sat I met KB. Mood was up and down at first but talking was good. Perspective was supplied. I went to KB with the 'feelings of doom' I've had lately. He managed to snap me out of most of them. How did he manage that? These feelings were well ingrained. Being forthright helped. I must learn from that. We walked around in the brewery smell just like I dreamt about doing most days frae the age o' 16. The weather was great. After a while everyone I saw started to look like TLK. It's true. Ginger hair and frickles had become the norm. I got happier. I thought about her as I walked. Switch off now cause this'll sound bad but I thought of how she smells! Could somebody else call the coppers please? I'm not going to make it worse by describing her smell. I'll let you guess. I'm feeling way sheepish. To recap...Last week after she'd left the office, by mistake I picked up a bottle of water that was hers. It was TLK right there. I found it intoxicating. Her smell was everywhere in the room. She'd been away for some time. I doubted my sanity at the time. I told KB about it. He put on his scientist hat. He said that one of the main factors in attraction is the way we smell, our scent. I felt guilty about it. Seedy. I thought of poor Timothy Treadwell and his bears. I should have listened more to my uncle KB. We are indeed apes after all. I tried to keep these images out of ma mind. We went to 'vegetarian restaurant', aye the one in the song. I'm taking 'it' back from the shaggy ones, you see. I tried not to eat too much and I didn't really. The diet's still going well. I'm under 19 stone now which is a breakthrough or something that feels akin to it. I've managed to get away from scoffing too much at nights. That must have just killed me in the past. I would go and gorge on cheese and onion pasties AND crisps AND anything else I could get ma hands on. I'm managing to hold this at bay so far. Then I started to dread work the morn. It would be miserable, I knew it. Why do I have to go back on a Sunday??! The 'positives' were not there. That was my fault. To get over these lulls I put ma back into it and I 'pulled ma socks up' as it were. Tried to get a smile forced onto my face. I met up with CH, SJ and Idles and others at D's leaving do. Sometimes in a large group I know I'll start to feel the old 'endless night' come in. It didn't. I felt happy. I enjoyed the company. I was positive, in my own fashion. CH seemed down. I tried to keep him up. I was probably just a pain in the neck. I started thinking about going to The Green Man fest in August. I was obsessed. I really want to go. Fucking debt and poverty. That won't stop me. CH wanted to go too. I tried to contrive a way to pay for tickets TODAY. It wasn't happening. I hate being skint with a' ma being. I still try to 'deny any responsibility' for getting into that state tho'. Somehow I didn't dip. I stayed happy! I was sad to see D go tho'. She's one o' thae 'honest ray o' sunshine' folk. Reliably bright and happy. I do like that a great deal you know despite murmerings to the contrary. I walked up the road wi' SJ. I was still happy. We talked about going to the May Day Beltane Fires thing the morns night. It didn't seem like 'my thing'. The idea of me running naked round fires wi' willowy students jumping aboot in the vicinity is not within ma ken. To push me away from the wispy I saw some late night carnage on the way back. I had the night before too now that I think of it. Beatings. Wall to wall pissing. It was Fountainbridge at night in full effect. I hate this area. At the same time I felt like I was missing out on 'something'. Answers on a postcard. As soon as I got 'hame' 'she' was back on ma mind..same old same old...Sunday I was back tae work right enough. I hate going back on a Sunday. It seems to be against the natural 'scheme' of things. I end up thinking re the normal folk of the world with their Sunday shags and expeditions to windswept places while I'm 'here'...etc etc. I lose ma mind so easily it seems. More and more admin stuff was going down at work. It felt like drudge writ large. Ravenous all day. Not that I gave in. I had an extra Cup-A- Soup and got on with it. Work was slower than slow. When I left I was lost. Dip in mood. Uncertain. Nae money. I wanted to go and see Odetta at The Queens Hall. Didn't want to pay the 16 brick therein. Noticed at the last minute that it was sold oot. I was relieved. I counted ma money and fretted. Wondered how I would survive on ma forthcoming holiday week if naebody gies me ticket money when I arrive. I'm going down to 2 ATP festivals this month. When I had a lot of the bank's money I got extravagant and booked chalets for them both. Naebody's going with me to the first one. I'm going to be as 'on ma ain' as can be. I'm selling the 3 tickets to folk I don't know. I'm feared that I might not get the money for them all. The arrangement is that I'm meeting the 3 folk outside the pliss and exchanging wristbands etc there. I have bad vibes re one of the folk. I've got some following up to do with this. I need that money or I'm going to be penniless on the south coast for a week. I feel nervy about it. Yet mair examples of thae chickens coming home to roost for Mcluckie I guess. I'm looking forward to going away but I know I'm going to have at least some feelings of skintness. I don't like that. For a lifelong poor person I have 'spoilt brat' tendencies re cash. I come over all 'England Is Mine, It Owes Me A Living'. To block it oot I did ma usual and went to the Cameo for a fillim. The lovely knitting lass was there. She looked amazing. She was wearing the cuddliest sweater I've ever seen. In another moment from 'normal' adolescence I decided that it even defeated the red one TLK has. (that's very sad isn't it?) The stud thing isn't in her nose after all. Its in her lip instead. I like it. I got quite excited seeing her. I even tried to go all Tracy Cox and make 'eye contact'. Somehow I avoided arrest. There are times in ma life when I wish I had an element of balls but I can't help think that lasses are going to call the police whenever I speak to them. I must get over that...or of course maybe its the truth... The head was full of the knitter. She's great. I am officially 'out of her league'. I mused on areas that I often went to in the early days of TLK ie why does the human body not have a cut off valve for yer feelings when it realises that you're extremely infatuated/ in love with/ enamored of folk who clearly/ most likely don't reciprocate this. The valve in me would be overworked. The fillim was 'Paradise Now'. It was certainly 'gripping' and made its point in economical fashion, something I like. It lead me to 'expect' a bit more at the end but I suppose it all made sense. It got muddled in the middle and a bit of plot 'exposition' was omitted for reasons unclear. This made 'one' expect a 'twist' to come into play. It didn't and I lost the thread somewhere. The normality o' most o' the terrorists was very well portrayed tho' and the 2 lead guys were pretty good, particularly the Kevin Rowland one. It's structured like a thriller which in this case works a great deal as you feel you're being drawn on and on towards the inevitable tragedy. It's well worth seeing. Most of the political argument and debate is a bit above ma heid, I'm afraid. There are corners o' the Interweb which cover the arguments therein awfy well. I liked it as a human story. That's ma kinda level. Aye a very good and a very human story then. I bet Bradshaw's quaking in his boots. Peter not Ian. I walked home in the now pissing rain. Minded the Beltane Fires thing was going on. Thought about them all getting doused up Calton Hill. Thought about posh folk painted green and with horns stuck on their heids. I thought about fun and happy revels. I wanted to be involved in them. I've always want to be involved in that. The other half of ma brain tels me it's all impossible for me to ever take part. It's done this for 35 years. It's still winning. Acht Monday. I'm not going to dwell on this for long. It was somewhat shite at work. The boss was playing silly buggers again. The work itself was tedious and uninvolving. It looks like getting busy busy before the end of the week. I couldn't be bothered with it all. My demeanour in the office probably sucked. I didn't feel massively concerned. When I got hame the hunger pangs were back. I had an extra 'low fat' veggie burger. I had some more fruit. Eventually I got out the hoose to try to quell the cravings. I think it worked. I walked to Saughton Park and back and then ate 2 Weetabix wi' a banana. I was sated and not too bloated. I didn't know what to do last night. I was on call so couldn't do much. Ended up watching snooker and thinking of £ and all the credit cards in the world sitting out there waiting for me. I was a bona fide 'crumpled man' in a bed sit with a' thae broken dreams that I'm 'supposed' to have. I appreciated the melodramatics of the situation. The awareness of them helped me to feel better. Had a chat wi' CT on the MSN. I miss the guy a gret deal. He's a true pragmatist. Like I told you before he's probably the brightest person I've ever met. These factors tend to ensure he gives you good measured advice. Tonight was no exception. Mair 'perspective' re TLK. I need all that I can muster. When I think o' CT I think aboot ma days of 'activism' a lot, of fly posting in Kdy High Street in the middle of the night and of getting busted for said 'fly posting'. We were doing things for 'the cause'. It was kinda exhilarating. One day I'll tell you the true reason why I gave it all up. You'll get a good laugh. So today. The day started with emails re twa comments on here frae one 'Mummy Caesar'. He didn't have a blog so I knew it was either spam or a gripe. It was the latter. He took exception re my go at the horrid 'Germlin'. I found it all rather heady. I thought about ma reply for most of the day. Work was a grind once again. TLK was in today. Fucking hell. She looks nicer every day I see her. I can't stress that enough. When I was talking to her I said "good lord" mid sentence a coupla times because that was all I could say. I have not met anyone like her. The way I feel when I see her is unlike any way I've felt before. I'm still stunned when I'm around her. Shit there's no way that can sound anything other than 'sleazy' coming from me. That's not the intention. She was in an almost eerily good mood. Manic in fact. This made me a mite uneasy. She was so so happy but still did the dead bat thing. We spoke about diets. She said 'the weight's dropping off you'. I do not possess the powers of description to represent how she said it but she took something that would normally be intoned in a light colloquial friendly manner and flatlined it in a monotone with a hint of the sermon. There was nothing of the personal whatsoever in there. I mean I thought she was talking about 'my' weight, maybe she was talking re what happens when folk diet. She never ceases to astound me does TLK. It was almost impossible to 'take' what she said. What did she mean? The 'friend/colleague' filter inside her had ovbviously just been switched on. Any semblence of warmth had been axed for the sake of not 'giving the wrong impression'. I was gone. I found her barrage of sunshine at all other times patronising and glib. I was annoyed at her. DROP THESE FRONTS AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Mcluckie is Big Hypocrite. I went 'intae masel'. I couldn't stand being at work. I needed to get away from her. I sat all the way through another fucking team meeting. The boss was horrid. Being in the same room as TLK was driving me insane. I started the silent thing again. AM, CH, CT and KB all came into ma head. I shouldn't be doing this., They told me that and they are of course so right. I did it for a bit anyway. I felt 'off the boil'. She ploughed on regardless with the floucy positivity. I felt miserable when she spoke re the great time she'd had at the weekend. She'd been to the Beltane thing. I was alternately glad and annoyed I didn't go. I couldn't stand not being with her or being with her . I went into the kitchen away from them all and put ma head on the bunker for a while. It didn't help. I left early on reasons of impending breakdown and lightened the mood not a jot by going to arrange for yet another bank account to be started up. This was the one for the trust deed thing. I was reading about it last night. It seems like I can't fuck around with it. Lots of talk of how I could be 'sequestered' if I step out of line. The bank virtually offered me an overdaft facility straight away. I forced and forced and forced masel to turn it down. I might be breaking the law if I take on any more credit! There are times in life when you feel small. This was one of them. The clerk at the bank was an odd bumbly man who looked like John Prescott. It warmed me a little to feel the welcome absurdity flooding intae ma brain. Before that I couldn't recall anything other than ma ain ruin and TLK. At last thinks to the big shagging Labour grandee a wee light came in. It's went oot and came back on again since then. I've been at the home of Stelios for some time now. It's no a welcoming place. I nearly went to see the metal fillim at The Cameo or more correctly to see if the other 'she' is working there tonight. I couldn't make it. Been amending this post like it's ma life's work. I have a fucked self image. Part of me thinks I'm hot shit. I'm not happy with it. The post or the self image. It's shoddy. I'm hungry. I had a panini thing for ma tea. It was probably a million cals. I'm eating nothing else today. I've had very little all day. That's maybe helped my mood to dip. I feel strange. Caught oot and trapped. Not sure what to do next. At times I have the feeling underneath that it's like it's maybe no quite as bad but then I start to think that maybe it is. I'm as simple as that. My thoughts are conveyor belty. I'm coming oot wi' meaningless metaffers for 'feelin' up and feelin' down' now. It's time to go....