Aroma Of Gina Arnold
Strange as it might seem...and it appeared quite odd to me...I think I had a 'settled' coupla days on Sun & Mon. Bizarre. Sunday passed so quickly. I woke up. Didn't eat any junk food. None at all. Hardly ate anything all day in fact. I could feel the pounds peeling off. It's a weird weird one. I like it. Spent all day at the work doing the admin task I mentioned the other day. It literally took forever- 15 pages worth. I kept at it. I left the work at 9.15 pm when I was suppposed to finish at 7. My mind felt rested and clear. The weather helped big time. Balmyness has always been ma vibe. I sat in the office all day with the window open and the fan going and kept plugging away wi' the drudge. The feeling when I got it finished was quite something. TLK had phoned earlier. She was on great form. We spoke for a while. I was worried by summat at work/pissed off wi' something the boss had done. TLK is always keen to talk re work probs and so she did..at some length. I enjoy having easy conversation with her. The state of ma heid of late has helped to make things awfy stilted between us. TLK always uses the deadest of dead bats so she would never comment on it but I've been an erse wi' her. She knows it too but she doesn't provide comment on such things (Does that still annoy me?? Aye it does but it's clearly something I just have to put up with. There is nothing more to it than that) Anyway, I felt at ease while talking to her. She's a very good 'conversationalist'. The boss had left a 'see me' note. I panicked for 5 minutes but it didn't really matter. I realised that panic can fade after all! I must remember that. I felt good all day. Monday seemed like more of the same...but with more TLK. There are times when it astounds me how attracted to her I still am. Today was one of those days. She was scuffed looking, tousled. I'd been summoned to see the boss before she arrived. As usual it was a nothing that had been 'formalised' and blown up into an anxiety provoking 'something'. When she got in she was interested in how it went. We went outside and chatted about it. We used to do this all the time 'in the old days'. We sat in the sunshine or more correctly leant against the bannister oot the back, just above her rusty old bike which, I believe, has sat there for 2 years. I noticed the furrows on her brow. They were deep and pronounced. They looked like the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. She was bleary eyed. Hungover. Flushed. Being there with her felt like I was in another cinematic moment. She does that to me. There is 'something' about her, about the way she looks, that I'll never be able to convey correctly to anyone. I would like to keep trying but it probably doesn't do me that much good to do so...perhaps later... I thought about her all day. I know I've described this to you many times but on Mon it didn't seem like a negative thing to be doing at all. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't...hell... Didn't know what to do after work. For all that it mattered it was pay day. Shit man, I know there are folk far worse off than me in terms o' monthly wage but £1032 for what I know to be usually a months hard work in one way or another is not really what I would call a 'rewarding' or 'fair' wage by todays standards. Add to that the totally draconian attitude towards paid overtime or double time on public holidays or anything like that and I want to name and shame, I really do. Also I would be surprised if the many 'suits' employed by the Association were skint after a day or two, and that really hurts. I owed ma mum money so wi' these thoughts on ma mind I dragged masel through tae Fife. It seems an ddd thing to say but for a long time I would never visit mother on a Monday as she tends to have 1 or 2 of her pals visiting. It's a horrid scene. They take over the house completely. A card table gets plonked in the middle of the room. They used to play Yahtzee but now it's some numbers 'only available from Admail 77' gash called Rummikub. They play loudly with constant running commentary. The manner of conversation is not relaxed. It's OTT. Forced. Unreal. Surreal too. The sound and 'the knockon effects' to me of 3 60-something women shouting 'Yahtzee' on a freezing Monday afternoon while I was 'going insane' in my bedroom in a shit town is not something I ever want to relive. Anyway, my folks have never done anything together. My dad sits and sleeps in his chair in the living room when he's in. Mum sits edgily in the kitchen and reads or knits. When somebody wants to watch TV there is always a big hoo-hah about it. For one of the kindest people alive mother has an odd side to her whereby she can get very 'niggly' with certain triggers. One of them is noise. She can't stand having the telly up at audible level. Whenever father turns it up so he can hear it you can see her look across and an air of tension takes hold. The volume eventually goes down after a 'heated exchange'. If it goes up again a little bit because somebody can't hear it mother will normally leave the room saying that she can't sit there with that 'screaming' going on. You'll often see mother put the telly on and sit and stare at it with the sound off. She'll pass comment (negatively) on whats going on and inquire with you what's happening. I'll say to her 'do you want the sound on'? 'Matter of factly she'll reply, 'no its ok'. This irritates me. So why did you put it on? Seemingly just to make comments as to how this or that looks 'weird'. As I've mentioned before mother dislikes most things, normally in a kneejerk fashion. If you think I'm a negative bastard, I'm sorry but there's no doubting where I got the instinct from. Of course it's up to me to change 'my ways'. It seems at times that there are certain things that get so ingrained into you it becomes almost impossible to stop them. Defeatism is in ma 'genes' too...natch...Dad doesn't really have any friends as such so whenever mum's pals visit things get very territorial. They're not used to the 'disturbance' caused by visitors to the living room. Normally mums other pals stay in the kitchen while father crashes out in comfort. In recent years it has been decided that mum's pastime playing pals visit on Mondays so dad normally has to get out of the way. This is a rare concession from him. Again her pals are nice folk but they get a little 'too much' to take on board at one time. One of them comunicates exclusively in cackles. It's very disconcerting. You don't get the feeling she ever listens to you. She affects mother too. Mum starts acting like her. Everythings a massive to-do. Whatever you say gets scrutinised and has negative vibes applied to it. Mother is not a confident person. She gets totally intimidated by other folk. She can genuinely NEVER be 'herself'. Seeing her act differently to how she is when she's on her own with you is an experience I will always find totally deflating. Mainly because I'm like that too. Her other pal is nicer. She's a 'nice wee wife' (a knowledge of the Fife dialect is probably required to fully appreciate the meaning of that) frae Ballingry. Nowhere near as judgemental as the cackler. She does listen to you a wee bit and mum tends to be far more relaxed when the 'wee wife' is there and the cackler ain't. This doesn't happen very often. Anyway...I went headlong into this scene. I gave mother her money and I just wanted to go. The cackler left so I stayed a bit longer. Mother gets older every time I see her. It scares me a little. For the last few years she's had one health problem after another. They don't show much sign of slowing down. She wasn't right on Monday. We talked for a while. Her anxieties get worse when she's physically unwell. She was wound up. I tried to help her by listening. I'm not sure it worked. I left feeling down. I'm worried about her. For the most part she drives me nuts but I still love her. She loves me. That's a nice thing to know.
Tuesday was worthy for two things only. I was on a late shift. I was in the shower at 9.15 when the phone went. I let it ring. I checked it when I got back to the 'living area' in the s-h. It was TLK. She'd left a message. It turned out to be 4 or so minutes of mixed wooshing and distortion. It was the sound of TLK going to work. It was an oddly riveting thing to listen to. It had come from her phone but it could have been anyone at all. A random combination o' buttons being pressed on an unlocked phone. I pondered re why out of a' the folk on her phone it had rang me. What did it 'mean'? My number was saved in her phone. Somehow me being me I was bouyed by this. She hadn't deleted me. I managed to turn it round a tad later and it dawned on me that this was just the latest example of me being unable to 'get over her' and it was not 'wholly positive' after all...mmm...the usual team meeting took place later. I hate these things. I was hating this one too. I got pissed off at something and cracked a sarky joke. She laughed. I turned around. She was beaming straight at me. I've mentioned this before but when she gives you a genuine smile or she laughs then her eyes glisten and her whole face erupts in what looks like the essence of pure happiness. It's an incredible sight. There's something totally 'natural' about it. I don't think it'll be possible for me to ever forget this sight...so there... Wed I woke up wi' a lot of feelings o' paranoia. They were on me right away. I lay there in the 'living area'. I thought about the trust deed thing. I thought about the scrutiny that would come from it. I was sure something would go wrong. The TOT came back. It raced away in front of me. I could work out what was going to happen. I could see the road to ruin. I couldn't face it. It wouldn't go away. I didn't want to go anywhere. I thought if I stayed in bed it would eventually go away. It didn't. I thought it was best to go to the work. It ended up hanging around all day and it's not went away yet. I could see every negative thing that could happen in the future. I piled up all the pieces of circumstance or chance that could affect the way my future turns out. They were all bad. I couldn't shake it off. I've ended up doing what I usually do when I have the TOT. I tough it out. There is no 'coping strategy' that significantly helps. I just have to drown out the thoughts and force masel to ignore them. There's no other option. I can't remember much about Wednesday apart from that. I could give you more TLK but I'll hold that for the moment. I'll give you an update on the diet. It's going very very well so far. It looks like I may have lost something approaching a stone in the last 2 weeks! I feel lighter already. I've been quite full on with it. Not sure where I've found the 'willpower' from but I've not had anything particularly fatty for nigh on a week now. For a few days I lived on nothing more than cup a soups and apples. I've been walking everywhere and getting a good bit of exercise. I feel hungry at times and I've felt a bit tired over the last coupla days. This has made me cut back on the exercise front but I've still managed to get in a good bit more than I used to. I'm really trying. I'm fed up being fat. Most of ma pairs of trousers seem to be falling down. I think I'm doing ok on the diet front. On Wed I stayed behind at the work again, this time to make amendments to the admin thing as requested by our glorious leader. Part of me quite likes all the paper chase stuff. I get into it a fair bit. Not sure I 'enjoy' it as such but I feel oddly compelled to finish it. I lack motivation to finish most other tasks at work or in life- ha. Why 'clerical tasks appeal to me, I'm not sure...make of that what you will. 'Office tasks' and paranoia are not that nice a combo. I had them at large on Wed night. I don't recommend it....on that note...Thur...
It was still there. I could feel it. The endless ruminating over shit.I pictured the worst happening. It was horrible. There was a particular reason for it. Maybe one day I'll share it with you. I don't think I can right now. I felt somewhat weighed down by all of these internals. Not unusual for me. Part of me seems able to function through it. That's something, I guess. I sleepwalked through work. I got a bit o' cheer re the absence of freezing cold biting winds. I thought they would never go away but maybe they have. It is indeed a miracle. A nice bit o' warmth is never a bad thing. Thursday night I met CH and D at the Mosque again. I love this place. It's rustic alright. It's frequently overrun by pigeons and whenever a few of them appear a guy comes out the kitchen and bangs a big stick off the walls. This keeps them at bay for all of 5 minutes. Lovely nosh tho'...for £3. Magnificent. D is a pal of CH's who I got to know through music circles. She's a lovely person. Very droll. Bright. Nothing much seems to get to her. She's a positive person. I often forget what that means as well as how nice it is to be around one of them. D's heading down south soon. This is a real shimm. She will be missed. Later on we went to see Silver Jews at the Bongo Club. The SJ's are possibly the most legendary of US undergroundy bands. They are effectively the work of poet/singer/ guru etc etc David Berman. This guy has been adopted as an uber figure by most members of the (Glaswegian) indie fraternity . He hadn't done any live shows til earlier this year despite being 'a legend' since time began. Acht, I didnae enjoy them at all. Probably my fault really...or a misunderstanding at least. I remember hearing 'The Arizona Record' years and years ago. It was the lowest of lo-fi. I liked it a great deal. I wanted a bit of introspection and despair but it turned out that I got showy 'eccentric' wordplay backed by the sound of indie rock instead. I didn't want to hear that. The band as well as being 'indie sounding' just provide 'too much' in the way of noise and interference and clutter complete with 3 guitars. You couldn't really hear what the shaman was saying. He was buried in needless scree. The sound guy appeared to be Steve West who used to be the drummer of Pavement and his approach was to crank 'awhong' up to the max. This may have been fun but it wasn't 'appropriate' imo. Everything they did sounded the same. No really. It was awfy safe too. Catchy enough. Straight enough. Not much in the way of grit and stickyness. Maybe if Berman had played on his own you would have got mair of an idea what he was about but on this showing he came across like a vaguely Catweazley 30/40 something who sounded even more like Lou Reed than Stephen Malkmus does/a wee bit like Neil Diamond on a bad night. Maybe a true understanding of their oeuvre would have helped but I was just lost. They went down a storm but they'll go down far better in Glasgow obviously. Alasdair 'Ali' Roberts was excellent however. I last saw him playing live years ago. Then he seemed hamstrung by a peculiar hangup on Will Oldham. It got into his voice, his songs, it was everywhere. Now he's found his own voice and it shows. He comes across like a bona fide wandering folk minstrel now, all beguiling tales and mysterious turns o' phrase. His voice is way way stronger. It manages to tell his stories with some light and shade. His music is strangely intoxicating. His guitar playing has come on many country miles too. He comes up with spidery, wandering lines to go with his broken melodies. He looks like he's not had a good meal in some years. He seems all the better for it. Later, I couldn't summon up any enthusiasm for the SJ's. I hope I never got anyone down while we were ootside. They'd all had a great time. Shit, I can be an arsehole...sorry...Today's been a bit odd. Feel awfy drained. Just looked at ma bank balance too. I can't stand being skint. I could when I was on the dole but when I'm working I somehow don't expect to be struggling. I resent it. That's where all the credit card shit came into play. I'm hoping to get a few extra shifts wi' the agency I applied to last week. My disclosure came back at the start of the week. There was nowt on it as there wouldn't be of course, but I feel a bit freaked that they haven't contacted me yet. Maybe they've 'discovered' something I don't know about. That's one of the things that's been going through ma mind. Relentless paranoia about 'exaggerated' situations and scenarios. Never let yersels get into this state kids ok. Today I went and arranged to start up ANOTHER bank account prior to the trust deed thing happening. I've got an appt for that next week. I feel really panicky about it...fuck...so I'm in the land of the interweb. the couple who talk to each other like 'domestic tabbys' are back. I'm not a great fan of ridiculous ways of speaking! Maybe they actually talk like that. 'Jack Daw' is belting it out once again next door. He's goin' all Jim Diamond on yo' ass. By the sounds of it all the post-work crowd are going ber-serk. While I listen to it it's dawned on me that I have a feeling like something awful is about to happen. That's the honest truth. I look around me and see folk going aboot their day to day stuff and laughing and joking. I can't relate to that. It confuses me why they would be like that. I'm back into the social pariah mode I've felt masel to be in so many times. It would take me a long time to spell out to you why I feel like this. Maybe I will one day...or then again maybe not...ha...At least I'm thinner...
Tuesday was worthy for two things only. I was on a late shift. I was in the shower at 9.15 when the phone went. I let it ring. I checked it when I got back to the 'living area' in the s-h. It was TLK. She'd left a message. It turned out to be 4 or so minutes of mixed wooshing and distortion. It was the sound of TLK going to work. It was an oddly riveting thing to listen to. It had come from her phone but it could have been anyone at all. A random combination o' buttons being pressed on an unlocked phone. I pondered re why out of a' the folk on her phone it had rang me. What did it 'mean'? My number was saved in her phone. Somehow me being me I was bouyed by this. She hadn't deleted me. I managed to turn it round a tad later and it dawned on me that this was just the latest example of me being unable to 'get over her' and it was not 'wholly positive' after all...mmm...the usual team meeting took place later. I hate these things. I was hating this one too. I got pissed off at something and cracked a sarky joke. She laughed. I turned around. She was beaming straight at me. I've mentioned this before but when she gives you a genuine smile or she laughs then her eyes glisten and her whole face erupts in what looks like the essence of pure happiness. It's an incredible sight. There's something totally 'natural' about it. I don't think it'll be possible for me to ever forget this sight...so there... Wed I woke up wi' a lot of feelings o' paranoia. They were on me right away. I lay there in the 'living area'. I thought about the trust deed thing. I thought about the scrutiny that would come from it. I was sure something would go wrong. The TOT came back. It raced away in front of me. I could work out what was going to happen. I could see the road to ruin. I couldn't face it. It wouldn't go away. I didn't want to go anywhere. I thought if I stayed in bed it would eventually go away. It didn't. I thought it was best to go to the work. It ended up hanging around all day and it's not went away yet. I could see every negative thing that could happen in the future. I piled up all the pieces of circumstance or chance that could affect the way my future turns out. They were all bad. I couldn't shake it off. I've ended up doing what I usually do when I have the TOT. I tough it out. There is no 'coping strategy' that significantly helps. I just have to drown out the thoughts and force masel to ignore them. There's no other option. I can't remember much about Wednesday apart from that. I could give you more TLK but I'll hold that for the moment. I'll give you an update on the diet. It's going very very well so far. It looks like I may have lost something approaching a stone in the last 2 weeks! I feel lighter already. I've been quite full on with it. Not sure where I've found the 'willpower' from but I've not had anything particularly fatty for nigh on a week now. For a few days I lived on nothing more than cup a soups and apples. I've been walking everywhere and getting a good bit of exercise. I feel hungry at times and I've felt a bit tired over the last coupla days. This has made me cut back on the exercise front but I've still managed to get in a good bit more than I used to. I'm really trying. I'm fed up being fat. Most of ma pairs of trousers seem to be falling down. I think I'm doing ok on the diet front. On Wed I stayed behind at the work again, this time to make amendments to the admin thing as requested by our glorious leader. Part of me quite likes all the paper chase stuff. I get into it a fair bit. Not sure I 'enjoy' it as such but I feel oddly compelled to finish it. I lack motivation to finish most other tasks at work or in life- ha. Why 'clerical tasks appeal to me, I'm not sure...make of that what you will. 'Office tasks' and paranoia are not that nice a combo. I had them at large on Wed night. I don't recommend it....on that note...Thur...
It was still there. I could feel it. The endless ruminating over shit.I pictured the worst happening. It was horrible. There was a particular reason for it. Maybe one day I'll share it with you. I don't think I can right now. I felt somewhat weighed down by all of these internals. Not unusual for me. Part of me seems able to function through it. That's something, I guess. I sleepwalked through work. I got a bit o' cheer re the absence of freezing cold biting winds. I thought they would never go away but maybe they have. It is indeed a miracle. A nice bit o' warmth is never a bad thing. Thursday night I met CH and D at the Mosque again. I love this place. It's rustic alright. It's frequently overrun by pigeons and whenever a few of them appear a guy comes out the kitchen and bangs a big stick off the walls. This keeps them at bay for all of 5 minutes. Lovely nosh tho'...for £3. Magnificent. D is a pal of CH's who I got to know through music circles. She's a lovely person. Very droll. Bright. Nothing much seems to get to her. She's a positive person. I often forget what that means as well as how nice it is to be around one of them. D's heading down south soon. This is a real shimm. She will be missed. Later on we went to see Silver Jews at the Bongo Club. The SJ's are possibly the most legendary of US undergroundy bands. They are effectively the work of poet/singer/ guru etc etc David Berman. This guy has been adopted as an uber figure by most members of the (Glaswegian) indie fraternity . He hadn't done any live shows til earlier this year despite being 'a legend' since time began. Acht, I didnae enjoy them at all. Probably my fault really...or a misunderstanding at least. I remember hearing 'The Arizona Record' years and years ago. It was the lowest of lo-fi. I liked it a great deal. I wanted a bit of introspection and despair but it turned out that I got showy 'eccentric' wordplay backed by the sound of indie rock instead. I didn't want to hear that. The band as well as being 'indie sounding' just provide 'too much' in the way of noise and interference and clutter complete with 3 guitars. You couldn't really hear what the shaman was saying. He was buried in needless scree. The sound guy appeared to be Steve West who used to be the drummer of Pavement and his approach was to crank 'awhong' up to the max. This may have been fun but it wasn't 'appropriate' imo. Everything they did sounded the same. No really. It was awfy safe too. Catchy enough. Straight enough. Not much in the way of grit and stickyness. Maybe if Berman had played on his own you would have got mair of an idea what he was about but on this showing he came across like a vaguely Catweazley 30/40 something who sounded even more like Lou Reed than Stephen Malkmus does/a wee bit like Neil Diamond on a bad night. Maybe a true understanding of their oeuvre would have helped but I was just lost. They went down a storm but they'll go down far better in Glasgow obviously. Alasdair 'Ali' Roberts was excellent however. I last saw him playing live years ago. Then he seemed hamstrung by a peculiar hangup on Will Oldham. It got into his voice, his songs, it was everywhere. Now he's found his own voice and it shows. He comes across like a bona fide wandering folk minstrel now, all beguiling tales and mysterious turns o' phrase. His voice is way way stronger. It manages to tell his stories with some light and shade. His music is strangely intoxicating. His guitar playing has come on many country miles too. He comes up with spidery, wandering lines to go with his broken melodies. He looks like he's not had a good meal in some years. He seems all the better for it. Later, I couldn't summon up any enthusiasm for the SJ's. I hope I never got anyone down while we were ootside. They'd all had a great time. Shit, I can be an arsehole...sorry...Today's been a bit odd. Feel awfy drained. Just looked at ma bank balance too. I can't stand being skint. I could when I was on the dole but when I'm working I somehow don't expect to be struggling. I resent it. That's where all the credit card shit came into play. I'm hoping to get a few extra shifts wi' the agency I applied to last week. My disclosure came back at the start of the week. There was nowt on it as there wouldn't be of course, but I feel a bit freaked that they haven't contacted me yet. Maybe they've 'discovered' something I don't know about. That's one of the things that's been going through ma mind. Relentless paranoia about 'exaggerated' situations and scenarios. Never let yersels get into this state kids ok. Today I went and arranged to start up ANOTHER bank account prior to the trust deed thing happening. I've got an appt for that next week. I feel really panicky about it...fuck...so I'm in the land of the interweb. the couple who talk to each other like 'domestic tabbys' are back. I'm not a great fan of ridiculous ways of speaking! Maybe they actually talk like that. 'Jack Daw' is belting it out once again next door. He's goin' all Jim Diamond on yo' ass. By the sounds of it all the post-work crowd are going ber-serk. While I listen to it it's dawned on me that I have a feeling like something awful is about to happen. That's the honest truth. I look around me and see folk going aboot their day to day stuff and laughing and joking. I can't relate to that. It confuses me why they would be like that. I'm back into the social pariah mode I've felt masel to be in so many times. It would take me a long time to spell out to you why I feel like this. Maybe I will one day...or then again maybe not...ha...At least I'm thinner...
posted by Jock Gumps at 10:15 AM
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