Martin Beavis Worked For The Cooncil

So Friday I wandered aboot for a good while. I was looking for some o' Bert's 'cold- blooded clarity'. I ended up searching in Hollyrood Park. As a wee aside, I discovered that you can't take the Kirkcaldy out of the man. Before I wrote 'Holyrood' just now I had the word 'Ravenscraig' in there almost automatically. That's the name of the less popular but undoubtedly nicer of the 2 public parks in Kirkcaldy. Oops. I thought of climbing up the old Crags but looked at my papery Shoezone shoes and surmised that I would most likely require an airlift sometime later if I went up there today or maybe I was just being a lazy bam. I thought better of it and circled the wee loch for a while. There were millions and millions of swans there. A laddie of 4 or so shouted oot "dinnae go near them. You'll get that bird flu". Aye the Daily Record has done it's work alright. I sat at the waterside. Good vibes came in. The sun started to get warmer. It was nice. Even the presence of a number of couples strolling hand in hand couldn't get me down. I thought of the story AM told me the other night re the time David Quantick got stuck up Arthur's Seat and required an airlift to get him down. I thought of the day I climbed one o' the Lomond Hills wi' the KB family. I even thought of non-negative TLK memories, in particular the day she beamed at me inexplicably in the kitchen at the work. I've never seen anything quite like that- and I probably won't see anything like that again but I didn't dwell on that aspect of it at all. I thought of the day I met Laura Ballance. She beamed at me too. That was also great. I minded the unique feeling I get from sitting and watching a gemme o' cricket. I recalled the time on the only family holiday I had (9 ah wiz) when I couldn't stop giggling as my dad kept referring to there being 'a vile smile' afoot. I thought HAPPY THINGS. Here comes the glibness again but I truly did have a physical sensation of happiness for the first time in so long. I was about to say 'a year' but I thought that would have sounded too keech and too TLK-centric. In this mode I headed up to meet CH and Idles. Idles is a true original. I would love to describe her to you..and let me assure you I have tried. Quite simply I can't do her justice. I'll keep trying because she's worth hearing about. Idles went off to do 'girly' things. Her phrase and not mine of course. I had a guid chat wi' CH. He was doon. I tried to do what I could. He didn't tell me to getafuyabassa which was hopefully a good sign. If CH hadnae been in the city over the last year then I probably would have given up 'totally' instead of 'just a bit'. He's a great man and he deserves some guidness to come his way. I want a great deal of that for him. We visited the Rowley approved Elephant Hoose up on George IV Bridge. This is a fine fine pliss especially now that the non-smokers aren't just squeezed into the 2 or 3 tables at the front. A rosy cheeked Olivia Williams lookalike was working there. My mood lifted further. We then took a gamboll oot intae the sunshine. The weather was magnificent. We headed through The Meadows. I felt like I was living in the city, like I had arrived. If I was in Kinghorn right now I would only be 'stuck to my couch back east depressed'. The contrast today stunned me. I felt thin and fit. Even if I wasn't really that thin it didn't matter. Goodness abounded. A willowy lass sat up in a tree while her 'buff' man huffed and puffed underneath generally struggling to scale it. He eventually had to get somebody to give him a leg up! Once he was up there he tried to go higher and higher to 'redress the balance' wi' his missus. She sat there impassively. Magnificent. Come to The Meadows and watch...The Battle Of The Sexes AS WELL AS The Class Struggle. I loved this. EVEN THE VIRILL FAIL. This was indeed the cold blooded clarity I was looking for. You definately wouldn't see this in Kirkcaldy either. Over there it's only wee bastards who climb trees, not 'comfortable couples' and they don't do it for reasons of athletic endeavour they do it to 'chorr' stuff or as a pliss to throw things from. Yet more big city bona fidery. Fantastic. While we were sitting there I got the courage up to txt TLK. I just kept it to the very very basics. I got CH to vet it for me. She replied a short while later. It was a nice reply. I gave masel an eyeopener afterwards. I felt wholly positive at first then I started in with my usual shit. I thought of her closing line. It said " see you Monday!". Before I knew it I was ranting to CH along the lines of " You see man, there you go. That's another example of how she tries to point out that it's a colleague only thing now. She's pointing out there that under no circumstances will I be up for going for a pint with you...just in case you were testing the waters wi' that txt" or crap to that effect. I soon realised I was spouting insanity. I forced masel to file it away purely as something I can learn from. The realisation that I've been doing this kinda thing for some time hit me. Leaving insanity aside she is very good at effectively setting 'boundaries' on things while not addressing them directly. I know that but it's me that's thinking all the time re meeting up with her and the mechanics of that simply because I want that. She's not thinking in the same arc at all. I keep making out that she's trying to point things out to me, trying to hint at stuff. I mean maybe she is on occasion but then again I'm sitting there analysing every contact we have and looking out for all this. By nature humans find it difficult to communicate with each other. She can't or doesn't say things directly? Well really in this context it shoudn't matter. I still wish she did because we are very different people and it generally makes getting along wi' folk easier if you know where you stand. Of course this ain't gonna happen with most folk. I have to accept that. I have a lot of improvements of my own to make when it comes to communication too. I'm not always that honest either and it ends up causing me a lot of pain and a' that. The time I've wasted recently in getting wound up and blaming TLK for ma problems could have been spent elsewhere. That's the bottom line. I can't let masel forget that. I hope I've not upset her. I don't think I have. I've been an idiot a few times when in my head I thought she was being 'inconsistent'. I became pretty obsessed really. I've been trying to avoid thinking about that. I must have come across to you as a madman. Fuck man. I think about it all now. I still can't believe what happened. How I finally met somebody I had strong feelings about and then a made an erse o' masel over them and 'associated issues'. I don't yet believe I'm a total idiot. I've not done anything too bad (!). I have to put it behind me and learn. As for my feelings for her? well they're still there. I don't think they're likely to fade for some time. She is the only person I've been 'in love' with and all that entails for me in 35 years. When I met her I realised I had feelings that I thought I was incapable of. That was kinda nice in it's way. I now have to work on rebuilding and reworking masel. I have to do it, that's for sure. I think a change of scenary will help. I keep looking out for jobs. I've got a coupla application forms in the s-h. I have to work hard and 'extend masel'. I almost think I can do it...eek... so after a short interlude the good vibes went on. Went wi' CH to the emerging legend that is The Mosque Kitchen. This is a rough and ready pliss at the back of the big mosque (funnily enough) deep in student land. It does rather nice large portions of basic and tasty curries and daals etc for £3. They don't have forks. YOu take yer spoon and yer paper plate and sit outside the kitchen on plastic seats under a rickety canopy thing. 'The dirty pigeons' come and go all around you. I'm sure it defies certain rules under the jurisdiction of Edinburgh Council etc etc but it is a great pliss. Once again it seems like summat you would do exclusively in the big city. It seems like a pliss 'known only by locals'. I love that feeling. I've always felt like I'm outside of things. I used to get intimidated and kinda jealous seeing folk in the big shitty. They strolled about all day. They weren't thinking re the times of the last bus and where everything was .They knew instinctively. You would hear references to legendary places which seemed inaccessible. Now I know about a few of them. It's a whacky kind of empowerment. Tomorrow ma hair will grow shaggy and I'll start 'popping' Alice, doin' ma PHD and flicking ma fringe back outside Favorit. There are times when I genuinely love the big city. These feelings only come when I am not in Gorgie/Dalry. I must get out of there...wanted to keep up the niceness and remain out of G/D so I resorted to ma usual preference and went to a fillim. The only one to stick out was 'New York Doll' at The Cameo. I decided to go for it. I tried not to think of the fact that 'Sir' Bob (I've disliked him intensely ever since he said that he admired Thatcher. Some things are unforgivable to me, I'm afraid. I saw the old bag on the telly the other day. She was droning on re how much she loved the queen. She seemed to have slowed down considerably. Hopefully she'll be gone soon. As I've said before, the bunting will fly outside the s-h on that day) and the horrid Chrissie Hynde are 'in it'. It might seem odd to say but The NYD's are a band I've never really heard to any great degree. They certainly don't 'mean' a great deal to me. Their music sounds pretty (I can't believe I'm going to say this) 'rocking' whenever I stumble across it. I can see that they massively influenced most bands of the Poison/Cinderella persuasion. I know that the frequently tiresome Morrissey is their number 1 fan. The trailers for this fillim looked ok despite the presence of the aforementioned saviour of the world and other big name consciences. I headed in. The Cameo always seems a nicer pliss when the dark haired lass who sits at the front desk doing her knitting is there. This is another example of boho cosmopolitan life. Folk are minded to do kooky things and they don't get self conscious about doing them. They're in an environment where they know it'll be accepted and won't be referred to in a negative way. This just wouldn't happen in Fife. Shit what a lovely lass she is. Warm. Intelligent. Peircing eyes. Nose ring. Tousled in a fetching and non 'shaggy' way. 'European'. Quirky. Man, I wish I was 5 stone lighter, had hair and was currently studying for a postgrad in glaciology. Then I would...still just sit and dream about her but I might feel a bit more 'legitimate' re doing it...Sigh. The fillim turned oot to be certainly entertaining and almost very guid despite initial uncertainty. It wasn't a great one imo tho'. It had chunks of standard 'rock doc' fare but somehow came through mainly because of Arthur himself. He seemed like a 'real' human being. I would have loved to have seen more of him and learned about his 'lost years'. It didn't go into any great depth at all on these. This lack of depth was a factor in making it like another instalment of 'Classic Albums' or 'Rock Family Trees'. There is way too much reliance on interview footage. These are mostly dull and superfluous. It's not an incisive or probing fillim and it doesn't seem to take any partcular viewpoint or adopt any style. It was probably directed by a robot or a Windows 'Direct A Doc' program. I don't want to put you off totally tho'. I'll repeat that it gets there because of Arthur himself. He had a varied life and you can tell that. He saw many highs and lows. There are a number of telling moments particularly in the scenes re his relationship with the highly grizzled David Johansen. These give you a welcome flavour of his inner workings. Gelders was tolerable and Hynde was quite personable in fact. Morrissey didn't seem like a pompous fool as he usually does in interviews, probably because he wasn't talking about himself. I always enjoy hearing the quote he allegedly made some time ago re Brett Anderson however. He said "I have no desire to meet Brett Anderson. He seems to be a deeply boring young man with Mr. Kipling crumbs in his bed". Word. 'Killer' himself was kinda riveting. I'm sure the fillim could have mined the sadness of his life a lot more. It would have been a better and more rounded one if they'd done so. As it was it comes across as a bit of a 'for fans only' thing. It can't really make up it's mind what it is. There is far too much footage of the Dolls themselves in action and not enough Arthur. Maybe I'm being harsh as the stuff from the Meltdown thing seems solid and they're clearly having a guid time along with awbody else. It took a while to dawn on me that the drummer playing at the gig was in fact him from The Libertines tho'. Crazy shit. There's a great bit towards the end when A'K'K leads the group in prayer before they go on stage. This is sad and touching and seemed to catch a lot of what a gentle guy he really was. Anyway, it's a flawed fillim but definately a fun and at times a nicely bittersweet one. Worth seeing. Felt quite relaxed last night. I'd had a feeling that I would spend Friday in knots over TLK. I had the odd pang but thankfully I survived. I'll just keep having to 'redirect' masel whenever I think about her. Good lord...So Saturday then. Drifted in the morning. I had my usual waves of thoughts about 'her' but managed to deal with them fairly nicely. I got an application form through the post today. It had 'out of my league' written all over it. It looked like a suit and tie job. The money was great. I began to feel the word 'limitation' writ large. I'm good for nothing etc. The instinct when I feel like this is to start eating the junk food and wallow. I didn't do that. I had 2 Weetabix wi' a banana (sans sugar) and then walked down to ma work (2 miles approx). I felt proud o' masel. I walked through TLK country too. I could feel thae memories and associations waiting to pounce but I didn't let them in. I kept on walking. I went down to get money from petty cash that I thought would have been waiting for me. It wasn't. KS was there. She lent me a tenner instead! She's a lovely lovely person. We talked for a while. I told her about the double personality clash at the training course the other day. We had a good laugh about it. I confessed my mental block re SVQ stuff to her. She understood. I felt good. Clear. Bright. I mentioned the efforts to lose weight. I described how I was trying to get ma act together. I said "I'm sorry for being an arsehole to folk lately". I meant it. She said "you've not been an arsehole to me". I said "I think I have been with everyone else". I didn't catch her reply. I think she knows the score with TLK and me. TLK talks to her. I intend to try hard to stop the silences and the atmosphere whenever TLK comes in. I've not been enjoying ma work for a while. I'm sure it's pissed some folk off. I've been 'prone' to negativity...no shit?... Part of me doesn't care but I need to force masel to care. I need to start being consistent both with others and to masel. I don't like this preachy tone. I'm changing the subject. I spent a good while in the land o' the Interweb today. I met CH and had a cuppa at the Museum. They charged me £2.50 for a cup of Earl Gray tea. I queried it. She said something about them being 'special bags'. In ma life I've heard of 'special cheese' (answers on a postcard. I'll answer any queries if you ask me) but never 'special bags'. Odd. That sort o' thing wouldnae happen in Fife either....so it's Sat aft. Some woozy music is leaking oot o' a distant pair o' headphones. I like it whatever it is. I'm thinking o' a few things. I'm hacked off at the use of a Vashti Bunyan song in an advert for mobile phones that I've seen at the pictures a few times this week. What do folk think aboot when they give permission for their songs to be used to sell comestibles? That's a rhetorical question. Whenever I like a tune, I'm no that keen on it being 'pinched' for the purpose o' flogging some plastic to schemies. The VB number on the ad sounds surreal in context when you see it. Maybe millions of folk will hear her music. That's a slightly nicer prospect...kinda. I'm peeved at hearing it 'misappropriated'. Maybe she needed a few bob. I'll see her play in a few weeks. I'm still looking forward to it. Can you request that somebody doesn't play a certain song? There's another tune that I've heard at the pictures this week. It's the soundtrack tae an advert for a skateboarding prog on Sky. Young Brad loops the loop to the sound of one finger piano and Newsom-esque side of the mouth swooping. It's a nice wee song that starts wi' a line about how 'they built a city just for us or after us' or something. Anyone got any ideas who it's by? It's from the Cocorosie school but it ain't them. It sounds a bit like what I mind Faun Fables to be like but it's nowhere near obscure enough to be them/her. It might be one o' these generic major label imitators of current artists that pop up now and again. It's maybe Katie Melua. Fuck knows. Anyone ken? I'm thinking o' the guy ootside the pub in Gorgie when I walked past last night. He said loudly "oh aye, well that'll be the same for the fudge won't it?" I'm sure it will. I'm thinking o' the pro lifers who were standing on Princes Street wi' their placards the day. I wasn't sure who they were 'til I noticed a woman with a 'brethren' scarf. That gave the game away somewhat. They needn't have bothered by the looks of it. They got ignored. I feel that's a just response. After the last post I've been thinking o' Thursday mornings. I have a history wi' them. When I was off ma heid in Templehall I used to meet my mother every Thursday in Kirkcaldy when she came in for weekly shopping. I didn't have a washing machine at the time. She was doing it for me. I took doon ma Tesco 'Bag For Life' wi' the Tropical Fruit on it and she gave me the finished articles. I would borrow cash frae her tae. I had to drag masel out o' bed to meet her. More often than not it was raining. Kdy can look hellish grim (at times). We would walk through The Postings Shopping Centre(!). There was always a stink of fish frae Massyoassys' (their actual name is simply unpronouncable and unspellable without days of research) Fish...and Wholefoods emporium. The number of cheap shit shops (shops in Kdy appear to be owned by seedy Eddie Clockerty-esque males, most of them called Josh Canard) grew and grew weekly...an engravers, a hoover repair shop, a 'fat lady's shop' (my mum's phrase), a Vettriano et al print seller and my personal favourite, a knackered second hand book store where my mother would go and exchange her Mills and Boons (she only liked a certain kind. No Betty Neels or 'period romance'. Nothing too flouncy. Her tastes in most things are spartan ie she doesn't like anything. I might explore that with you at one point)ran by a defeated woman frae Templehall. She was, as my mother would say, 'right Kirkcaldy'. This is mum's shorthand for common as muck, brassy,bolshy and/or indiscreet. This person had suffered all the misfortune Kdy had to offer. A string of husbands. Ongoing hospitalisation. A thousand bairns. A billion fags. Whole 'Welcome To Tenerife' tankards of booze and madness. There was plenty to choose what to sink yer heart with when you went in there on those Thursdays. "How are you the day hen?" ..slow speech...measured yet strident voice..."Aye, my sisters' bad wi' the jaundies and I've got a strangulated hernia tae. My laddies up in the coort the morn and I've got to get up tae Lumphinnans the night to see ma mother wi' her bad chist" Relentless misery. "Have you got any o' thae ones?". She never did. I can't understand mother. She likes NOTHING. She only wants to read something 100% like the one she read the other day. It's 'escapism' she would say. She was 'feared' to read the paper or watch the news. She went to great lengths to avoid them. She was bored and restless at times because she had no interests. She likes one genre of fillims only ie US romantic comedies. I've seen them all- 'Pretty Woman', 'Green Card', 'Maid In Manhattan'. The whole shebang. ALl other fillims are 'weird'. We used to fall out regularly when there was a video shop in Kinghorn. I went down to get a fillim. Beforehand she would say "just get anyhting" but if she didn't like the sound of it she wouldn't watch it. Mum, I got you 'Gorillas In The Mist'. "There's nae gorillas in it are there? You ken I dinnae like that shite wi' animals and that'. The examples are endless...I think they're for another day...I'm here. It's the springtime. I think I feel ok tho' I do feel lonely. I'll give you a bit of DT to finish off. I miss him. "How are you the day?" "Ocht. no too bad. Not top of the form but no too bad"...aye...