Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Who the fuck are they?

...and who are The Oxford Collapse? Are they the Sammy of their day? Do they have shaggy hair? or are they chunky wee guys frae the weedge who like Ride? Are they more than a contrived nimm? Do they all love scuffed girls wi freckles? Do they know the drummer oot of Les Ferdinand? Are they all degreed persons? Have they seen a 3 legged dog? Have they drank Erridge Vale? Have they been penniless in Gorgie? Have they had crushes on girls in silly hats? Are they from Poughkeepsie? Are they important underground figures? Have they ever shat in a urinal? Have they punched face? Have they sat next to neddy wee bastards in Interweb Cafes? Have they been lost in France? Have they been on gap years? Have they failed in Wales? Have they walked down a street free of suggestion? Have they ever said "it's hot in here' on stage"? Have they ever ate nothing but beans and noodles for 6 months? Have they ever opened tins o' Super Lager when they're on their ain? Have they ever been on their ain? Have they ever given up on us baby? Have they ever thought that they might be writing lines that could be misconstrued as outtakes from Space B-sides?

Of Thick Tum/ Spasm Smash Ox Ox Ox and Ass

Thae Tuesday vibes. Had a wee read ower some o' my futterings o' the last few days. Jeez I come across as being 12 years old when I write about TLK and I tend to write aboot her as if she has 'done me wrong'. I'm kinda embarassed aboot it but I'm no the editing kind so I'm going to have to grin and bear it I reckon. I will endeavour to improve in all matters pertaining to her but particularly in the way I write aboot her! One day when I've forgotten everything I'll tell you the full story!..ha ha..anyway...Aye the big work confrontation...my encounter with the hardman of the HR dept went fairly cordially I suppose. I got a few things in the open and maybe had a chunk of welcome perspective given to me on a coupla others but there does appear to be some heaviosity about to break loose. I cannae really go into details but 'official complaints' have reared their head and there is the potential there for it to get messy. Let's hope it doesnae but some shit has been going down that maybe needs to come to a head sooner rather than later. I'll let yous ken when the first axe falls. TLK relations seemed quite good which is a double edged sword...quoth old Hank..."you think you got a good thing? You got a bad thing, man". I THINK we're pals so I tend to display certain friendly instincts towards her and these seem likely to lead us back into pubs and 'booze and madness' before I know it. Fuckin' hell man, I am really still totally besotted with this girl but seeing as I'm aware of her lack o' feelings for me and I like her company a great deal and enjoy 'being around' her I so want to be guid pals with her. I seem equipped with instincts/senses/ whatever that just make me feel like I want to be with her ALL THE TIME (I may have aired that thought before!). In hindsight or in any sight this isn't a goood thing and I might well end up feeling like an erse. Hope this isnae the case but...hell...I really want to make these posts far less 6th Form At Mallory Towers. Unfortunately that seems to be a bit beyond my writing style and general abilities...for now. I shall work and work to effect a solution! Anyway, I've found masel snatching the odd wee thought re JN too. Maybe I'm getting over K!!...ha ha...hope there are a few Clientele fans out there. There should be more of us! Sorry folks. These phrases, these thoughts are a wee bit 2.5 oot o' ten today. Maybe I can find work writing in Bunty and Jackie Annuals. I should not jest man I should not jest.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Elvis- fat, frantic and 40

Aye...Monday...reasonable day at work. Bit of a calm before the expected storm o' this interview thing the morn. Relations were very cordial a' day wi' the management. I just hae a feeling that they'll pull something out the hat on the day. Been a bit para re some TLK stuff as well. I tend to presume that I'm automatically being seen by folk or folk I fancy in particular(!) as sinister/'freaky' or just dull and boring in a 'I have no reason to want to spend time with you'stylee. That may sound an awfy strange thing to say. Sadly for most of the time it's the truth. That is the way I think. Whether it's a mental illness thing. Whether it's the truth or evidence o' a crippling lack o' any positive self image I just don't know. But now I feel the familiar pattern is starting wi' TLK matters. She's obviously freaked re my feelings about her and just wants to get away from me yada yada yada. A coupla things happened last week which I've interpreted as her trying to distance herself. She probably isn't but I can't pull masel away frae that deadly type of thinking. Trying to find some clarity tho' I don't think she really thinks of us as close friends despite things she's said to the contrary. I just don't know if she thinks of me at all- fuck that's glib, it's the kind of shit I think most days tho'!- or has ever thought anything of me and it bothers me not because I want her to fancy me/love me etc just cause I think there is a way we could be pals and I want that to happen. I want to be able to spend time wi' her and talk to her in an easy stylee. Her mood swings and her character- self sufficient, independent, a wee bit aloof, very reserved tho' she tries to give an impression otherwise- kinda just leave me uncertain where we stand. I'm even para at the moment re what her best friend thinks of me! I think this is my cue to back off big time which is what I've tried to do over the weekend- no contact at all. I do believe now that she is trying to give me the odd signal to stay away which is fine but me being me automatically thinks she's labelled me as some kind o' psychopath and my head can't really handle those labels. I've started looking even closer at what she says and how she comes across. I really am a fucking idiot worrying about this I know that but if her character produces interesting situations for others then mine does quite nicely in that dept for me thanks very much! Anyway...enough TLK...went to see 'Hidden' tonight. Another uber subtle and nuanced psychological warfare piece from Michael Haneke. I won't give the game away but there is a certain sequence that you won't forget in a hurry...believe me. Go see it. In terms of sheer quality of acting, direction and ...goddamnit...originality this just blew the pants of 'Munich' which I saw last night. 'Hidden' has none of those Hollywood movie things going on. Those staples of the movies just grind me down...here's the heart string tugging bit...here's the patriotism...here's the saccharine etc etc...why would you choose to see fillims like Cheaper By The Dozen when you could go to see something else like this?..I don't understand it. When I got back frae the pictures I put a post up on Bowlie. Bowlie is a v.v. vibrant and entertaining music-y forum and COMMUNITY which has close links tae Belle and Sebastian et al. The folk who post on it are mostly serious indie-philes. Sometimes it gets me down a bit. There are only so many testaments to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (that IS the worst band name EVER pure and simple...I think they called themselves that just to annoy fat baldie people called John from Fife) that a man can tolerate. I got a wee bit angry tonight at folk getting excited re the prospect of the bloated misery that is Dungen appearing TWICE at ATP next year. I won't go in to it here but ATP is a festival that I have a love hate relationship with. I've been 3 times now and I'm going twice this year but there are so many ways it could be improved IMO and I get annoyed that it continues in the same stylee year after year. Anyway ATP and Bowlie are indie staples and now and again I have to lash out at such conventions. I feel the indie world exists for the gratification of 20-something nubiles frae Hemel Hempstead who have no trouble 'pulling' but who like to make out that they are in terrible pain most of the time. This is not a world I fit into. Now and again I need to vent. I have to add that I feel real guilty re my post and am currently thinking of the large number of very lovely Bowlies that I know in person...eek...I'm a brute of a man...PS I 'fancy' so few people that when I do like someone it comes as a mammoth surprise and I know I will remember them the person in question pretty clearly! I'll call her JN. Will there be more to report at a later date?!...eh...no...PPS this has been an awfy ragged post tonight mainly because I've started to feel a bit ragged in the last hour or so. It is a seriously cold night up here and I can hardly move my fingers to type...bedsit land eh? ha ha..

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Toby's Fish and Chips

Sunday night. Ate far too much fattening food so I walked roond to the picture hoose and saw 'Munich'. There wasn't much else on besides 'Hidden' which I'm going to see the morn's night. Acht it was kinda ok. I did fall asleep for about 10 minutes fairly near the start so I may well have missed something tasty...mmm...and then again maybe not.... That's something I tend to do in cinemas. I just can't stay awake in that toasty kind of dark. Much to my chagrin I remember falling asleep during Three Colours:Red a million years ago. Not because I was bored...jeez man...far from it simply because I'd been up since 4AM delivering complimentary sanitary towels and arrest warrants to 'depressed' parts of Kirkcaldy. Anyway, 'Munich' goes on for about 10 years, takes almost as long to make it's point and features some crap dialogue and features IMO a really weak...well, dull... performance from Bruce Banner. You see the actual kidnapping in flashbacked instalments periodically through the fillim. The end of it is intercut in a crass fashion wi' the hulk shagging his missus in slo mo complete wi' what appears to be Soul Glow flying off his hair. He just doesn't have the kind of face that is that interesting in close up or at moments which need to be powerful. His accent sounds more William Morris Lawry than Mossad and he didn't hold my attention at all. The first hour and a half is sequence after sequence of explosions and the build ups to them. When the point starts to get made it heats up a tad but not hugely. The main character is just not involving enough. The other members of the gang are far more like it but they are seriously underused. Geordie Peacock is a very solid actor but he has a lavishly underwritten role to work with.The camerawork is lovely at times-very bleached and faded but there is just too much Spielbergery at large. Despite the careworn visuals you feel like you're watching 'an Oscar winner' and that's never good. If you want to see an accessible yet rewarding fillim that will won Oscars go see 'Brokeback Mountain'. That's much more like it. Maybe I'm just in the mood for longing and yearning...sue me...Night time cinema going in the big city is something of a curate's egg. During the day a solitary man feels at home in the vast expanses of empty seats and can enjoy a fillim in peace. At night he has to compete wi' COUPLES. You are supposed to go to the cinema wi' yer other half. That's a given. In Fife they tumble oot their wee speeding cars into McDonalds and then into Cheaper By The Dozen before going back to Halbeath in time for World's Best Police Chases. Here the couples consist of lookalikes of her out of Slowdive sitting wi' budding young 'DP's' who couldn't get into The Ipcress File at the Filmhoose doon the road. I get so intimidated by couples...well mostly middle class ones. They show me a 'way' of life I've never known- the world of confidences/connections/mutual attraction etc (!!!) AND the world of 2 car garages and opportunities . I mean a' that's fine but I just don't like it so close to me. It's wrong. All those wee conversations that you're no supposed to hear...grrr...The loved up ones behind me had an ongoing conversation during the film which involved him having to tell her repeatedly what Mossad was. In front was what looked like a scene from a noughties remake o' The Good Life. Two pairs of nubiles catching up with each other after what sounded like skiing hols and a weekend in Carshalton respectively. I promise that I won't get any more mental about couples at least not here. Christ the damage that a singleton can cause themselves by hanging out wi the two headed beast can be huge. They are oil and water. One AND two does not go together...anyway..perhaps later...aye so I came hame. I thought about TLK. I thought about how stupid I was thinking about her. I'll write this then I'll gan to bed. Now that's the greatest story ever told...wait a minute did I ever tell you the one wi' the punchline that went 'you're talking aboot sookin' bannet?'...now that's entertainment.

I Bought This Just For You

This can't go on for ever. Drunken cullinary achievements. Conscious of your skin. You need to get laid. It is an insecurity thing. I might drift off from time to time but I will not forget you. That shouldn't mean anything. 'Save me a Saturday night' was how the song went. I receive a message asking me 'Will You Be My Fuck Buddy?'. I also find out that 'my cock breaks through walls'. This is little consolation. You have never heard of Saxon but you've heard your share of chart toppers. I know little about you. I try to guess. 'where I come from boys don't like girls who look like me'. I had arrived in the city- a cut price immigration. An escape from new year when they all said to me 'oh so you're not working at the moment?'. They weren't surprised. Every year they return triumphant from Basingstoke with Adam and Jocasta. I also heard you say that you loved 'Pink Moon' but preferred 'Bryter Layter'. I prayed that you didn't like buskers who played 'Black Eyed Dog' all the time. You prefer sax players or midfielders. You have never heard Borbetomagus. Neither have I.

Botham Whither Richards

Sunday Sunday...had what almost turned into 'one of my migraines' earlier. When I was a callow youth I used to get these extremely nasty migraines. These days I occasionally get something not quite as bad tho' similar where I have a splitting headache and feel hellish queasy. There is a distinct possibility I'll barf. I didn't on this occasion but it still wasn't too pleasant. Nasal congestion often sets it off as does sleeping too long. Had my first lie in in some time today and paid the price for it. My sinuses appeared to have collapsed as well. It's settled doon a bit now but I still have the dull ache thing going down. Oddly fitting for a Sunday- the nagging pain before the strangulated hernia that is the week. Bit of work heaviosity on Tuesday. We're having a series of 'HR interviews' to 'solve' the supposed issues which are afflicting our workpliss at the moment. I have no confidence that me and my colleagues will be listened to. The dude who's coming to see us strikes me as nowt more than a head office enforcer who's coming to 'sort things out'. I just can't be hacked with this type of bullshit. I seem to have ended up working for an employer with a top heavy management structure. I get the vibes that a management v. staff 'discussion' will never happen on an even playing field. I know as a default I fear the worst anyway but I feel a bit shitty about this week. IMO the only problems at my work come from management trying to gain control of a staff team who have worked naturally in a fairly autonomous and co-operative fashion for some time. The 3 support workers work well together but difficulties arise whenever needless interference or formality is imposed. I'm just no' a person who likes to recognise the idea of 'authority'. If folk are on a 'higher' level than me than I might look to them for guidance, supervision etc. I don't feel as if I have to bow down to 'authority' or not challenge it if I disagree with it tho' and I'm not sure this type of management works that way. I suspect it's all about suits and authority and 'working lunches'...anyway...Off Thur-Sun this coming week which would be ok if I had any money or any imagination(!). This may mean that I have to stay in or wander the streets!! This flat is not a pliss I enjoy being in. It's a tiny squalid hole in a rather dull, tired neighbourhood. Jeez I'm getting Reznor on yo' ass tonight- I'M IN PAIN etc etc etc...I wish folk would accept me giving them tortured chic all all day. It must be a given for the sons and daughters of surgeons/solicitors to have their bleatings instantly accepted and listened to as if they were revealing the mystery of life to you. My bleatings dinnae have quite the cachet or so it seems. Maybe I could get into eyeliner or attempt a doctorate on tubeworms. Aye debt wise I'm going to open up a new a/c the morn and try to juggle certain things around for a while following the advice o' a debt counsellor. I don't intend to end up in the dock but I have got masel in a stupid amount of debt. I'm not a greedy person...he pleads...but I do get a wee bit indignant re working v.v. hard full time and then still being skint. Thanks to the wage structure where I work this is reality so I attempted to compensate and somehow find 'disposable cash' by taking on large amounts of cairds and a loan. I am indeed a stupid man but I still can't face the prospect of having nothing in my pocket to do semi-pleasurable things. Christ I'm going Tamara Beckwith now. I think I should move off debt for a post or 2! Aye I'm going through changes alright...whither a change in my body shape?! ha ha...

Saturday, January 28, 2006

You can hang it from the lowest rung

...so to sum up...the diet isn't happening...I'm still in love with TLK...she isn't in love wi' me...she's been 'distant as fuck' this week (in my head at least)...I live in a shithole...I'm still in debt...I'm quite unfeasibly alone...My mind will not stay still on anything long enough to nail down a change or a solution...I'm still looking for inspiration (!!!)...naebody's reading this...I want to talk to someone right now...Celebrities On Ice is not doing it for me...all I want is some 'love, music, wine and revolution' as long as they all involve a pyramid of champagne flutes...I'd quite like a full head of hair too...I'm thinking of you all wi' yer big nights oot and yer quiet nights in...how did we all get to be where we are now?...for next week I will try to sing a happy song...shit that's blown it...I just quoted REM...oh I can laugh through the tears...

A & B

Saturday night. Being a solitary man I never expect any of the weekend frisson which seems to drive so many o' yous. This life where you 'snog boys'/ 'pull berds' etc is no one I'm that common with. The nearest I got was a Saturday night in 1994 when it seems as if I had a 'truly meaningful' conversation with someone. It lasted for 93 minutes then she went off and got married to someone else. This conversation took place next to a cigarette machine (just like the song..'she stands next to the cigarette machine...') in provincial student land. I was reverting to my default 'painfully shy' mode ie awbody else had got bored of me and went to pull berds/snog boys etc so I was standing on my ain in the pose of a tubby Ian Curtis. She came over. We talked. We fancied each other. There was a frisson going down. I wanted to kiss her then remembered my best pal at the time also fancied her. End of story. She was a bright girl who showed an interest in people and in me godamnit. It never happened again. That's all.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hold Me Closer Than That

I've never been held. I've never been aflame. I was born within the smell of Scotblair Pelts. I wore a brown cardigan age 4 and had my 'wee man' operated on. I ran away at the station. I took a tantrum when we stayed at a masonic house. You had no interests and you were suspicious of me having any. No insight and no life on this side of the wee dug. I ended up losing it over a crumpled look and a scuffed complexion. One day you'll say that he went on a voyage of self discovery. He drank himself to death within sight of Central Park. How can I improve in anyone's eyes? I can come oot o' masel. I can wear an apron. I can believe it. I'm sorry hen. When you told me the thing about misfits you didn't realise who you were talking to. I'm away to buy a Pink and put on a Trifecta.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

A Lot

...the person who you try to get off the phone is responsible for your Chenin Blanc going to waste. 'but I think of you all the time' is not enough. Have you heard of Daniel Johnston? Bad moods. Tidying up papers-clearing your desk. You 'blank me'. I storm out. You shout out 'are you away?'.I turn back.You're waving goodbye at me like a Stepford Wife. The no.35 becomes the express to hell via analysis. Moods and tantrums- little battles against conventions that tell you not to show your feelings or say what you mean. I could say all I like to you and it wouldn't make any difference. I don't register. I can never possibly understand. I can only ever guess what anyone else thinks of me. I just don't think that's enough.

Wave

Monday nights with Fred Feast. She never liked these times. The unknown was 'silly and English'. I was 'so talented'. She said it like criticism. Life passed her by while she was waiting for him to come back from the pub. Turn the clock back- a cursed beginning but I care about you. You don't want me to talk to people who aren't right for me. Nights out- if you can 'pull' then you're not a social misfit. You are always invited. I'm sorry. Turbulent loss.You bring me magazine photo spreads. It all brings me back to running into the water at 15. Wearing shorts at beach parties. I was uninvited. It was all impossible- the glances and the inevitables that you all get given. I'm the village idiot. Christopher Jones. Woodland scenes. A car set on fire. You told me once that you didn't fit in. I didn't believe you then and I still don't. I'm always passing on the blame. YOU don't understand. I AM UNWELL. I tell mothers I'm versed in many languages. Where was I at Sunday school and at street parties? Inclusion. I was inside scratching the skirting boards. What is longing? Is it anything at all? I bought a Genoa Cake and ate it to forget. I want a range life. Endless. Hospitalisation. Hopeless night with a car alarm out back. Stilted range. Where have I gone? Where have I been? I was somewhere hiding 'til it got quiet and cold...

Is It?

How would I rate today? Well I don't know. A little better than yesterday perhaps with a few trips to the dark side en route. Coming back 'home' to this horrid flat is never a good thing and my mood tends to dip on first sight of the squalor therein. In terms of cleaning the fucking place well I've just never done it! I kinda feel as if the pliss doesn't deserve to be clean. There's no room to move things around in anyway. At least I can get all Marc Almond on yo ass by saying that I leave in Bedsit Land. Of course it's without any o' the dancing, laughing or loving but with a fair bit o' the drinking. He makes it sound exciting. Of course that's where he falls doon a bit. I shall never again live in a pliss that doesn't have a kitchen but merely a 'food preparation area'. Bedsits are fucking horrid. Period. If yer living in one it means you've nae cash, are 'on your own' (it's such a given somehow that fat bespectacled males will say they're single. I feel a billion 'thought so's' coming my way when I give my 'status' to anyone) and are probably at some kind o' a crossroads. I wonder if anyone called Matt or Will/Emma or Sarah has ever stayed in a bedsit or been single for that matter!!. I would seriously doubt that any ever have. Fuck. The jealous shit of the fat ugly man (in a bedsit natch) comes to the fore again. TLK was off sick today but I spoke to her on the phone a coupla times re work stuff. A' the stuff that goes through my mind when I speak to her. I totally cut masel in two trying to think of what she feels about me. I've known from day one where we stand in terms of 'mutual attractiveness' but I just don't know that she sees me as a proper friend either. We've done a lot of friendy type things but I can never quite establish whether she's totally ok re me phoning her or suggesting we meet up. She's never given me any direct vibes but I've seen a lot of her 'complexities' in action and my thinking dashes off into areas where I startto believe she doesn't want anything to do with me ootside o' work or is (the feeling beyond contemplation) freaked oot by my feelings for her. You see, it's because I'm thinking like this that I know I have to get away from her-move on (AARGH! That fucking phrase), develop, grow, find someone else(HA HA HA HA HA..the glibness of advice that tends to be dished out in these instances sometimes defies belief!!) etc etc. I know what I have to do man. The snag is that I'm still at the stage where I'm thinking about her too much and this thinking tends to fall a bit short on desired standards of clarity/perspective etc etc. Hell hell...sometimes being a lump o' lard is the hardest job in life...cue despair etc etc..I promise that my next post will be shorter on cliche's and longer on euphemisms for the word 'penis'...

I've always liked A Lovelorn Balladeer

I feel that at certain times quite a lot of this life's worries can be soothed by Neil Diamond's 12 Songs alboom. Of course I ken I'm 35 and not 65 but this record has a certain something going on which is quite majestic. It is a Neil Diamond record, he's not suddenly discovered a Merzbow element to his oeuvre, but it's all the better for that. Old Rubin manages to de-flab the arrangements and tone down some of the big sequin action he's become well kent for and what's left is a nice voice and plenty of crisp pure instrumentation- a great deal like the job he did wi' Johnny Cash in fact. Seeing as I'm an imbecile who doesn't know how to wire up his decent speakers I'm having to listen to it through crappy PC affairs but it still sounds great. If only a' thae fringey boys frae the west end o' Glasgow could hear me now. "You mean he doesn't listen to Orange Juice?" etc etc..fuckin' Orange Juice, I mean really...

Barry Maranta

Just a quick post before the work vibes take hold. I feel this morning as if I maybe got some stuff out of my system last night- no I didn't barf- and that I've maybe found some o' that most important o' commodities -perspective. Maybe maybe...at least until I see TLK at work!...joke...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

How

Just thought I'd tell you that I've done my first bit of self editing. Wrote a long post after a very shit day which ended in solitary drunkenness and which contained the heaviest TLK pangs I've had to date as well as much dwelling on hopeless debt, my constant feelings o' the mythical 'lack of connection' etc. Decided not to let you in on all my pish and got rid o' it. Maybe I'll post it one day and give us a' a good hoot. I will tell you one thing tho'. I completely blew the diet in the midst of the torrent of self pity by scoffing a whole can of Pringles and a Pizza as well as a number of pints. Today was not a good day. Surely it can't get worse than this. I sincerely hope that proves to be the case. Hopefully 'normal' service will resume the morn...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Top Banana

Up insanely early today. Awake since 5AM thinking about debt and other 'issues'. It never does a person ANY good to muse on how it might have been and how you've ended up and all that...but... I would like to say I thought I would be 'married 2 kids' or a 'success' by now but I never expected that at all. There are times when I feel I've got just what I deserved...I mean I'm sorry Jim...I know this is self loathy bull and so forth but I think I expected this. I never saw myself in a positive light and I always felt powerless against the weight of a' thae hegemonies- the successful career, the degree, the attractiveness, the disposable income, the goddamned confidence- what I could ever offer you, I don't know. I still feel crushed by this and other trappings of middle class oppression(!). I still feel this thing whereby I could work all I wanted, do all manner of laudable things and I would never be 'accepted'. I felt this really badly when I sang in the band. I suppose we were mildly successful in our tiny wee sphere and I felt we put on a better show than most of our peers but somehow I knew that we could never ever cut it with the shaggy haired ones. They were easier on the eye-more pallatable and sellable and that of course is all that counts. I'm not going to kid yous all. I'm sure you're well aware of my limitations by now. I'm a person of average abilities and with no real talent but I've met a lot of folk who were total assholes and had NOTHING AT ALL to say and yet they are awbody's pal and musically they were the best thing ever etc etc. Every day I have this sense of failure, of defeat and as if being some kind of fuck up was what I was destined to be. I can only fight against this for so long. I need to force masel free of this shite and work it out. Can I do it? No sure...I'll have a fucking good bash tho'...

Maggots

Please find enclosed what you dont want. No one is my friend. Not even the lonely goatherd or the Twisting Vocalist. What can I produce? A wheeze, a grunt, a groan, a gesture to feed the 5 thousand with red pudding suppers bought with free coupons. Keep your eyes peeled. A maelstrom is coming which will engulf us all. It'll be lead by the ghosts of Bernie and Schnorbitz. I hold on to your scent. I breathe into a coffee cup-produced by exploited labour. A warning fired across my bows in '89. I'll never be perceived to be on the right side. I don't have it-neither the corduroy nor the confidence. You tie a scarf round a scratching post. It's crumpled boho-cutprice easy. I love you for it. You don't know about any of these things. Untidy, flimsy, imperfect. It's just like what was said-Nothing Can Bring Me Down.

Flawed

Unaccustomed as one is to feelings of love and longing there are days when I get extremely bewildered as to just how overcome by them I can get. Today was one of those. Hadn't seen TLK in a few days. When I saw her this morning I remembered how in love with her I undoubtedly am. A' that teenage rubbish that I never had when I was a teenager- the sense of Wendy Craig in the stomach, looking out for her (TLK not Ria Parkinson) coming in the door, contriving ways to spend a second or two longer with her, at times (I'm not bullshitting you)literally being unable to speak because I'm looking into her eyes....aye, that kind of thing. At 35 it all seems a bit creepy and a bit wrong!! I'm supposed to say that it is of course nice to feel I'm capable of said feelings tho' as I had previously thought I could never feel this way about anyone. These phrases and these thoughts didn't prove much of a consolation today. Aye I'm daft about her and that does get me down in my own 'typical life of a painful introvert' kinda way but other non-ish TLK shit came into play. From time to time I feel is if I'm not doing my job properly and that the work environment is such a gnarly, awkward place in which it is simply impossible to do it properly. On a personal level I will always think of that office as a pliss where I spent so long with a head full of TLK, so crammed in fact that work became ..well.. a load of pish quite frankly. I like the clients that we work with but there are a number of probs with the 'management' in the place. I'll no go into these the now but their 'issues' are unnecessary and petty and quite draining. I feel as well that after 3 years o' support work I've wiped enough bums, applied enough plasters and washed enough dishes for a lifetime goddamnit. I want to go adrift in the city night, I want to wear silly hats and grow big hair, I want to shout at people who want to swim with the dolphins. I want to let my single follicle down. I know what I'm going to do- I'm going to leave Sunshine Desserts-Portobello Beach here I come. I'll get a job at the nearest pig farm while wearing fake big teeth....anyway, left work with a head full o' crap thinking of the rubbishy tasks I've got down for tomorrow. I feel like I want to leave my job, find something else, change the style, fuck it up, walk down your street naked if I want to...eek...maybe I'll take recourse to Absinthe cocktails or tins of Princes Beef n' Beer...anything that 'numbs the senses', he says in the Cowdengelly style...At this point I have to add this...I don't care if this is uber glib...fuckin hell man I really feel totally alone tonight. A screen (TV or monitor) may have many advantages over some types of company but it doesn't flatter itself with conversation or bon mots. There are only so many times you can scream at it or throw things at it or pu' yer bannet in front of it (is that too much information?!) and it still fucking sits there looking at you. I find masel pondering over my old crucial Countdown conundrum- How is loneliness possible?..there should be a natural cutoff and balance. Your brain should be able to work out how much company and solitude respectively you need and operate you accordingly but alas....most of my life I've wanted to be on my own for one reason or another and when I end up on my own it is invariably unrewarding, disappointing, a mini Play For Today tragedy so bad the BBC kept it in the vaults until the time was right to re-evaluate the career of Ted Moult. Along the same lines I desperately want to be with certain folk at times but then I'm so inept around them and come across so indifferent to their presence that it looks like they can't get away quick enough. I've never felt as if folk are madly excited by being around me. The option of another spunkier person always seems the stronger compared to me and my Kermit's nephew ways. Aye I'm the stereotype of a lonely person-a buyer of ready meals, large on gut and Agnew's bags but short on co-habitation or experience of mutual shopping expeditions to buy 'a nice bottle of wine', short of hair, not too clued up re giving the gift of lingerie and a complete stranger to Expedia.co.uk. Wait a minute man...I've just thought of a phrase that makes me quite proud of what I am. I sound strong and aloof, single-minded and rugged...yes I am a SOCIAL PARIAH...oh glorious consolation...you're so pretty baby where did you go?...

Monday, January 23, 2006

Insomnia Keeps Me Up All Night

Aye, just thinking over my last post. As you can maybe tell I try not to edit too much but I s'pose I'm just hoping that you don't think I've gone all St.Winifred's on you. Nuff said.Anyway, went to see 13 tonight. To say this is a taut and tense thriller would be to undersell it by a few country miles. It has an atmosphere mostly all it's own with a wee bit o' help from Bresson and Truffaut in certain areas. The portrayal of the extent o' the main character's plight has to be seen to be believed and some scenes do simply grab you by the baws. It's really quite something. In the John stylee my mind became a bit too over stimulated by it and for some reason I began to feel a bit weird. I had a heavy indigestion thing going on throughout the fillim and I could also feel the ticker beating swiftly. I must have started to think I was on the stage and a' these bodily functions briefly lead me to believe I was about to have an infarction or it at least crossed my none too complicated mind which is enough! I have one big fear in life. It is a totally irrational one as a human being can do NOTHING to prevent this at the time it happens. I am shit scared of dying in my sleep. There have been many nights when I know that's the reason I can't sleep. I just dinnae ken what's up with that. I know that there's no afterlife or harps or gates etc etc so why a person wi' thae beliefs should have a fear of any means of dying is uncertain. I want to know when it's going to happen tho'. Maybe I want a melodramatic flourish. I just don't want to be found rotting away after a sly coronary with my socks and pants laid oot for the next day and a' thae secrets inadvertently laid oot for you to see too! If I kent it was going to happen then I could self edit or should that be the other way round?...ha ha..

2) Aye look I'm no sure if anyone's reading this but if you are then I would really love some comments. Tell me to fuck off if you like but just to know somebody's reading would be fantastic. Also if you like it or if you think it's so shit that it's funny then tell other folk about it and give them the chance to have a laugh too!Cheers, folks/man/nobody/micro chip/ air etc etc...

Light Brown Hair

Whitesnake gave me a free plinth, Ultra Vivid Scene offered me a free fold out triptych. My favourite line was Hilda saying proudly 'we're a family of cleaners' . At the same time you placed 10p on Rubstic and he won and I sulked cause Rummy wasn't in the race. We played Monster Top Trumps and you crocheted endless cushion covers. You had to ask me what a skinhead was. You paid strange wee men to sharpen knives in the front garden. You gave me lots of marbles and you asked me if I was winchin and if she was a goldigger. I didn't know what you meant. I had a dream once where you fought off aliens who attacked the living room on Old Years's night. You saved pork chops in your bag and shouted at folk who ticked me off. You used to fry peas and clootie dumpling. You knew folk who grew mushrooms underground. You visited places like Methil. You didn't like people very much. You loved me.

Von Bingen

Seeing as I abandoned plans to become a registered 'slimmer' this afternoon, I went to see 'Brokeback Mountain' instead! It did pretty much everything that folk have said about it and it was none the worse for that- a pretty extraordinary performance from old Barry Ledger and plenty of longing and pretty wars with feelings hid. Aye I liked it a great deal. It genuinely was 'elegaic'! Hotly recommended I think. On return frae the cinema I bought a load of veggies and fruit and then promptly scoffed the only fatty thing I had in the house. I was ravenous. Fuckin' hell man, I know now I've got a long way to go with this. I need to plan my shit and make a TOTAL change...eek...Watch this space and don't forgot about those scales!...they're 'lying out there like a killer in the sun'...good lord...the night time may well be the right time to pull all the dimes from your pocket/ climb on the rocket but it is very much the wrong time for me when it comes to appetite. I just crave junk food at this time of the day. It's quite bizarre- about a year ago I was on meds for depression and anxiety and between the 2 of them they caused my weight to totally balloon. My appetite just went through the roof and it's never really came down even tho' I've been off both tabs since Feb/March. I feel it big time at night and it'sno much fun if you know you desperately have to lose many pounds. I was about to say that I think of TLK more at night but that would be a lie- I never really stop thinking about her!- Jeez boom boom boom let me hear you say teen angst...wey o...

Interregnum + Ignatieff

I've just been thinking...aye that isn't traditionally the most fruitful thing for me to be doing but...I don't think I'm going to join a slimming class after all. This is not a cue for me to resume pie consumption tho'. I've had success in the past going it alone. I lost 4 stone a coupla years back simply by willpower and a wee bit mair exercise. I intend to buy a set of scales and carry on from there. I tend to be loath to get weighed as one of my 'human' quirks is a tendency to gorge when I get down about my weight. I feel heavy so pass the Pringles...fuckin' behave yersel man...but I intend to be tested wi' this so I shall purchase said scales and scare masel into action. I shall give you the gen later....PS I got irate a while or so ago when I saw a very smug picture of Michael Ignatieff on the Interweb. He's been a bete noir of mine for a number of years. In fact not just him but academics in general appear to vex me bent. I like the idea of being able to earn a living postulating, pontificating, bellowing and theorising in studentland caffs and bars. However I do not possess the 'nous' to write theses on the importance of The Sultans of Ping FC to Ptolemy XIV. I really wish I did. I also feel that listening to academics postulating etc etc is not a spectator sport and that, really, parts of these caffs should be soundproofed so that Magnus and Gavin can get on with their cutting edge treatise in a place where only people who can fully appreciate it can be party to it. Aye maybe I feel intimidated and jealous but ...hey man..I can grow a beard pretty good and I can buy a tweed jacket and so forth....and as for Ignatieff himself well he's a pompous ass who loves to let forth his glorious opinions, normally on how he supports the Iraq war and in how he 'always wanted to run for public office' as well as many reassessments of Voltaire/'Persuasion' etc. He so does look like the smuggest of a very self contented bunch. Or was that just me 'venting'?...it's so hard being poor...you know something...I've never met a poor professor emeritus in my time...the world is indeed a fucked up pliss...

Where Is My Double Life?

shocked and disgusted, they want to hit rock bottom and protect themselves. Apparently there are 2 sides to every story. They never did anything-I never did anything. Sitting down for days strung out on chips and cheese at 12.50 AM. The longing I feel is submerged by carnuba wax. I do not speak to you face to face. I think of you while dishing out the shop talk. Dark eyes and a crumpled look. I want to write like Peter Cetera so I can express myself. We'll have a look to see where he starts from. Somewhere under a railway bridge in a hopeless town with a David Sands and 1200 buzzer entry systems. Whale fever grips the nation but...'sadly she died'...here comes Nutkins. I wasn't the only one who cried. I've cried about you TLK but I couldn't muster it for a campaigning mammal. I get set off by many things -red jerseys, 'Bryter Layter' is my favourite, 'she's a pretty girl', 'I'm a misfit', 'I write my own stories', 'I can't return that', but none of it matches the whale. The theory is that it was knocked off course by a lonely sound. A left garden and a chaotic lifestyle. I won't be back unless you're near. Getting away. No security. I'll go to the bridge. I feel the pressure of Now 37.

The Beginning Of The Process

So here I am once more...aye there's always been a big Fish element to my music. Killer segue..I had a dream last night that involved a guy I used to know who was known as Fish...that's all I have to say about that, it just made me think of a way I could get some Marillion into this. Anyway...Don woke up, and looked at the night before. Feeling bewildered this AM. I've come to hate having days off from work as they give me time to dwell on all thae godamn negatives that seem to come so readily to mind. I usually get up fairly early sit in squalor and 'watch' TV, waste time, eat, waste time, get low etc etc. Today I shall endeavour not to do that...well not any more than I have done already. Today is the first day of the diet. I intend to get out and about and get all Keith McTeeth or whatever she's called on yo ass. Of late I probably have been eating myself to death, something which does not have the cachet afforded to grogging yersel into the morgue. As of this time of the day (9.52 AM) I am full of intentions to join a slimming class today. The only one I can find starts at 5.15 but I really think I have to make it. I saw a pic of masel the other day. I can only be described as 'ridiculous'- a bald ninny with a girth that isn't even welcoming and rotund a la Goodman more just plainly 'morbidly obese' There was a friend of my father's who became totally massive in later years and, I kid you not, they had to knock down part of the wall of his flat to get him out after he croaked. A combo of these thoughts have made me a little keener to get started. I also have terrible feelings of loneliness and of being alone for the rest o' me days and even tho' I've never kent anything else (natch) this is not a situ I want to prolong. At this stage of course all the little bastards in my head are telling me that no one will ever like you 'in that way' (the 3 most damning words in the universe) and that you are ugly, fat etc. Positivity is not something that I have great reserves of. In fact I tended to scoff at practitioners of it for some time, usually because I felt they were middle class and therefore had it on a plate anyway. I accept that this is something I need to work on (you reckon?) Anyway, I intend to go and buy some fresh fruit and vege-tables as some would say. Hopefully going to see a fillim wi' CH later. CH is my other closest pal. He's a good sort to be around and I need that kinda vibe. Anyway, back to life, back to reality. Pumping bass for a happy face/race/ace/space whatever it was. PS Is the title of this blog too Desiree for comfort? I welcome input on this and all other aspects, he says pretending that anyone's reading this. I told you I was ill..ha ha..

Sunday, January 22, 2006

An Intro to last year/last night.

Today was a strange day. I'm sure that was how a fire safety public info fillim of the 70's started-old man falls asleep with ciggie in hand while in mid reverie over his day selling livestock at a country fair! Christ that phrase reminds me of being back in Fife- For 10 or so years I was 'stuck to my couch back east..depressed'!!- I had any number of weird days there. Constant feelings of a lack of 'connection' (whatever that may be) with folk and a kind of hellish, clingy torpor which gets it's teeth into me whenever it can to this day still. I went around or more correctly stayed in the house analysing everything I did and every wee gesture or look that came my way. Think the day's nonsense started when TLK told me she didn't want to come out for a drink! She'd said earlier that she might so I was filled with my own brand o' paranoia as to why she'd 'changed her mind'. Of course her answer that she 'felt like shit' wasn't enough. It obviously means that she never wants to see me again-fuckin' hell! Last Sunday I told her I was in love with her!! She took it well and said that we would continue to be pals as well as colleagues so now every time I see her I'm looking for signs that she's freaked out at my confession and wants nowt to do with me. Our 'relationship' doesn't amount to much anyway, I suppose. She's a colleague and drinking buddy as well as my first love (I am only 35!) . We have moments where it seems we're close and I think we do have plenty in common but I also think that I tend to spend most of my time with her simultaneously thinking about how much I feel about her and in getting drunk. I just can't work out what she actually thinks of me and my bullshit causes me to make myself kinda ill ruminating over it. Because of the grog and the self-doubt to-do I'm tending to think I need to cut myself off from her which will be hell as that old 'movement in your brain' just makes me want to be with her ALL THE TIME. I've known her for 9 months and been in love with her for 9 months and I've spent most of that time thinking about her tho' I have always known that she doesn't feel the same about me..yada yada yada...and I'm cool with that but of course I soon discovered that my feelings didn't switch off like a tap. If only I could go the whole hog and drink to forget! Good lord..
Also had a daft argument with KB. KB is my oldest and closest pal. He makes a huge effort to get me motivated and to encourage me to make changes to my shit. Basically, I think he cares about me a hell of a lot and I've never doubted that for a second. KB is vegan and lives and breathes that. I was vegan for 8 years 'til I got frustrated, greedy and lazy and started eating cheese! It took me 4 months to tell him. He was crushed I think and took it as an example of how I might have 'given up' or something to that effect. I nearly snapped when he suggested that I was bound to eat meat soon! In reality I think he was just a bit too correct and a bit too honest for me and I couldn't handle it. He has got me thinking about myself and my current ennui a great deal. I'm living in a studio shithole. I'm over 21 stone. Basically I'm tending not to face up to reality and I need to change that. Facing up to yersel is a bit o' a mofo and no doubt. Have I ever done it? Probably no.

Why Why Why...

I don't know the answer to that. I think I'm starting this to try to break my habit of damaging self reflection and analysis ...by adopting a new form of self reflection and analysis...wish me luck...
I probably should tell you who I am, or at least something about who I am and why I'm here. My name's John. I'm 35, I live in Edinburgh tho' more significantly I grew up in and stayed in Fife til I was 34. I work as a support worker for a mental health charity. I am currently in an unrequited love situation with a colleague. I am grossly overweight, I am bald and I wear glasses. I am also virginal and have never been in a relationship of any kind. I am 95% certain I am hetero scum. I used to sing in a noisy band and I think I miss that. I have always tried to project myself as a 'creative person' and whereas I have written lyrics and bits and pieces and even been an exhibited artist(!!) I have given little evidence of this to myself or others. I was vegan for 8 years and have not eaten meat in 11. There are times when I think this means something to me. I have never been a confident person. I have had major anxiety and depression issues at various times in my life. I have periods where I feel like public enemy number one and also that everyone perceives me as such a thing. When I feel bad I imagine that everything I pick up or drink or eat becomes something potentially damaging to me and to others around me. I am in serious debt. I currently drink too much. I do a number of harmful things to myself on a daily basis. I need to stop doing them. I want or need or would like to use these pages to tell you about how I'm going to improve and how I live my day to day life. You'll either be interested or you won't. I might post every day. I might post now and again. Who knows, man, who knows? Thanks for coming...ha ha...