....shadows of the afternoon...or..radgie/gadgie...

kedgeree...mother made that for us once, well she called it kedgeree. Don't think it was fishy in the bona fide (and Klepto) sense. She only liked 'that yellow fish' anyway. It was more of a rice and ooze mass like what 'one' might hear discussed in an 'authentic Scots tongue' version o' Abigail's Party, complete wi' the shitest available gimmick ie that o' having Beverly played by a man, and no ordinary man either, probably one from the highly employable stable o' Naked Video extras and acquaintances o' that funny wee gray haired bank manager guy frae the theatre company who make all thae stories 'for the people' complete with SINGING and much obsequious behaviour in the direction of Dorothy Paul. I 'didnae like it'. I told her so. She told me that I 'couldnae pick and choose'. My mother being my mother, this meant that I clearly had displayed ideas and behaviour way above my station. Next I would be saying 'aye' and 'ken' to people from the church or to my brother's wine-obsessed in-laws. We were 'po' Fife folk' and we had to behave like it godamnmit...anyway, that's what appears to be on ma mind RIGHT NOW (???) maybe,maybe. A' the pretension that flows through ma heid. I have to communicate with ye. I have to give ye the essense of ma soul. I have to confess ma innermost to you. I want you to flock to ma side, to ma aid, to turn me around. At the same time, I can hear some of you lying back with your other halfs and yer 'nice bottles of wine' and goin' Aye, it's no quite The Double Leopards or David Foster Wallace or those little bastards The Moggers or The Rebel live at The Scottish Hobo Society or another night at 'Fast' or another night o' fuckin' wi' Alice or a trip to Hanging Rock (THE ACTUAL LOCATION) or even a life in Bearsden...well I'm no claimin' that it ever could be but something inside me feels bereft cause I'm no the equivalent o' a' thae experiences for yous all..look I'll make it more palatable...my name is Hamish...I am 19...I am a glaciology student...I have a big cock...I like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and The Kooks...I read anything that 'Amy' leaves in the bathroom of our lovenest...I'm in the middle of a gapper in Burundi...I'm struggling to make the time to get back for the family Xmas in Cirencester...I am a debenture holder with 'Howies'...I had sex with a girlfriend of one of the Guillemots but I will never tell anyone about it...I intend to live a little but within the bonds of an ethical model..... sorry I feel exasperated. I'm postin' this because I want to go back to tellin ye aboot masel. I've tried 'writing stuff' since the last time I bothered ye but I've struggled to find the correct level of organisation within ma heid to do that. I'm trying to make this a wee preamble to encourage masel to do it again. I think all of ye's ken aboot the old blog. I'll be honest wi ye and say that it died because I decided not to talk about 'her' (no explanation as yet). Man, I have to talk about 'her'. I want to find a way to do it in a meaningful and non crappy way. I'll be lookin to do that if I feel like it wioot being an erse. I got freaked by some praise of ma posts too. Beautiful as it was to hear that, I just could not believe somebody could appreciate stuff I wrote. Not sure I can now...and that's not frae the pov of me being a COMPLEX DIFFICULT WONDERFUL FLAWED HUMAN BEING DRIPPING WI UNDERSTANDING AND INSIGHT..it's just that I cannae balance what I see when I look in the mirror or react to the way I believe I'm perceived and match that wi' a person who is worthy o' summat....I'm afraid that's the truth o' what goes on in ma heid...I struggled to react to criticism of stuff I wrote too..it surprised me that I reacted in that way, it really did. I think folk thought I was mean and anti-social and hated a' people..well part of that might be true...when I write I try to catch what's goin on in ma heid and while I hopefully take responsibility for things I say, primarily I'm turnin the spotlight on masel and trying to catch some o' the inner crap I feel (BOGUS..sorry for pre-emptin'...) as it happens...I don't think I hate people...I know that on a day to day basis I build up a sense that the worlds of youth, fashion,virillity, love and meaning are out to get me and that I will never become a member of their clubs or that those members will never accept me as capable of understanding how they go about their 'thing'...as for couples...well I am intimidated by being around pairs o' folk who appear to have 'arrived' or who can give off the illusion of being content, at one etc...I've never felt that way (mair BOGUS) and I dislike having advancement and 'normal life' staring me in the face. I'm sorry Jim but for the most part I don't feel like I've joined the human race and seeing an integral part of the way 'Modern life' operates is difficult for me (pfffffttt.. 'I was only 22/it was very hard for me....'). Seeing the shack jobs of Gorgie/Dalry in front o' the Riesling at the local Somerfield is an oddly withering experience...a' thae confidences and togetherness and SHARED EXPERIENCE...they sense someone who doesn't share their ways, they fear that they too could be a singleton wi' a permanant pizza box to hand...man, this society values the couple...if yer fanciable, you've arrived...if yer no, then you're most likely a 'beast' or even worse 'a lonely man' or 'a sad man'...I obviously am a 'lonely man' and that's hard, as loneliness is THE WORST (I'm not at all self conscious re saying that) but I wish I didnae have internal insanity goin on which makes me think that sexually active members of the bourgeoisie are 'after me' because I sit in front o' them at the pictures or I just cannae 'understand'...so something makes me feel that I need to 'sing the troubled beast' again...I don't 'understand', I don't know if you do either...I might have a tenuous grip....I might be a 'bammer'...I might " 'pu' ma pud cause it is so good'" just like Doc Cox...I might interrupt yer appreciation o' 'Gorky's' but hey...you know...I'll unload 'it' somewhere into/unto the ether and it'll maybe help for 5 mins...thanks for coming...ha ha... look just had a change o' heart. Was going to make this permission only on a new blog but I cannae be botherered messin aboot wi' email addresses the now so it's going back on the old blog for now!. I'll rectify this soon and edit accordingly..oops...